Bearmum - thanks for your lovely comments. I agrees, birth rocks! I found it hard to get around to writing Leo's birth story, as the end was never going to change. There's still bits I want to add at some stage. It is therapeutic if you can do it.
I hope you're managing OK. Just when you think things get easier, it hits you again. But it does, very slowly, get easier to manage.
Bearmun, I'm sorry you have had to join the club no one ever should have to join, and I am saddened to hear there is another mother this had to happen to :-(
I lost my baby Sophie in July this year, she was 5 weeks old and never left hospital. We thought everything was okay in the first few weeks as she seemed so healthy, just very sleepy and didnt feed well. We found out at 3 weeks when she kept stopping breathing, that she had a problem in every one of her body cells and could not sustain her own life. It was a massive shock, a really horror really to hear she was only going to live a few weeks, months maybe as she could not breathe on her own (amongst other things). It was hard to comprehend because she looked so normal. It happened a lot quicker than we expected. I too have found that creating memories has been very therapeutic. I was lucky that I got to do things with her in that short time and these are the memories I cherish. It is good to know you had all that time to hold him and bath him, as I really believe it helps with the healing. I had read of stories from past generations where this was not the case with stillborn babies, and it breaks my heart how women must have dealt with it in the past if they did not get a chance to hold their babies like that. As painful as it is to have these memories and it is sad to think of them, it can also be comforting. There were days where I was just exhausted or anxious or couldnt focus on anything, and I would go to bed and just go over my memories of her and sort of re-live it, but it was calming, if that makes sense. Same as when I am stressed over something, I try and take time out and just think about her. I spent a lot of time in the months after her death in writing about her, creating a photo recod book, just creating memories really. It has really helped and even though it is painful to re-live memories, I think it is important in healing and it made things a bit clearer in my mind as it was all such a whilrlwind at the time. Its not until we catch our breath and enter an empty silence that it really hits us.
Planning a funeral is something no parent should ever have to do. I didnt think too much about it, we just organised it as we didnt know what else to do once she passed, there was a bit gaping hole and I felt so lost, it just seemed like the next step. The day she died was 7am, we went home several hours later and didnt know what to do with ourselves (as we had been at the hospital for 5 weeks) so we went to see the funeral director. I guess going over the details, even though it was farewell, gave me some control back as I got to choose all the details and it was comforting to me to treat her with all the respect she deserved. Everything was done so beautifully for her. Take your time with it. It was our chance to say goodbye again, cry and grieve over what had just happened, for what we lost, the child we will never know. I think it really helped us seeing her again as it was a few days after she died, and seeing her in her coffin the next day at the church wasnt such a shock to us as it was for everyone else. I knew she was dressed and wrapped the way I wanted, with her little teddy bears etc, everything was perfect inside. (I'm sorry to go on about the funeral, its just not the sort of thing I discuss with people IRL! I just think its not something people want to think about). Though looking at the date of the post, you might have already had the funeral, so I'm sorry if what I said is not relevant anymore.
There are a lot of ups and downs afterwards. We went away the weekend after her funeral - it was meant to give us a break and get away but it had the opposite effect for me and thats when I really broke down. It is hard at first but as each week went by, each one was different to the one before and slowly, slowly I would find I was just a bit stronger than the week before. It takes time. Have you accessed any support networks or services? I had online support and saw a grief counseller which really helped. Then I spent months creating memories of her, which has been helpful. One thing I would suggest is take each day as it comes, be kind to yourself and know that it is okay to have up's and downs, good days and bad days and dont put too much pressure on yourself. It used to take me all day to do something that I used to do in half an hour. A week to clean the house which I could do in 3 hours before - everything changed. At first "good" days are non-existent, its more like "okay" minutes or hours, but the pain is always there. Slowly and gradually I have found I would get back into things. It is only 4 months for me now, but I have put my energies into something else that is keeping me busy, and it is still to do with Sophie, but she has given me a new purpose in life, and I feel like she is inspiring me in some ways.
Also I am glad you got the chance to birth Jackson the way you wanted and that you found it empowering. It is beautiful to know you went through the pain without drugs so you could experience it all with a clear head. It is very clear how much you loved him and wanted the best for him, and I dont know you but i can tell you were a very good mummy to him.
I hope you have started to recover from the psychical pain - it is a cruel reminder that's for sure.
I agree with you that found some religious words not the most comforting. I believe in god and I am a christian but I do not like all the rituals associated with churches etc. I have my own version I think, though I do believe in a bigger plan, that things happen for a reason and I do believe my little girl is an angel, an angel baby forever. I did not though get much comfort out of reading things that are very scripture based - I came across that in certain books, that talked of miracles too (I could NOT relate to that at all!) and when someone went on too much about religion, it did not help me at all and I would switch off. Though I do appreciate that some people do derive a lot of benefit from that - I know one person who is very religious and she has given me a lot of inspiration and strength, but the difference is she doesnt preach or anything. So I can see your side of it there and I'm sorry you had to hear that from the other forum you were on - it is not something you need right now.
sorry for rambling on - if you ever want to talk feel free to PM me. I hope there are fleeting moments of sunshine in your life during this difficult time.
Bearmum - Thankyou for sharing a part of your journey in being Jackson Bear's mum - the love you have for your son is palpable.
I am always honoured, and oh so saddened to read stories of babies gone to soon from their parents arms. Nothing can prepare you for birth, except birth, and to be honest, nothing can prepare you for grief except grief itself. You did your son a great honour in birthing him, and it is one that can not be taken away.
I hope his funeral was manageable for you.... they are so hard.
I used to have so much to write to recently bereaved, but now, my heart is just heavy, that others are burdened with the loss of their precious baby and the very hard road that grief is. You will find your own way through and I hope that you will find the courage and abiding love to live your life in honour of your son, and in celebration of the exquisite love you have for him.
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