I'm fairly new here and am still yet to put my story of loss up here. I am trying to find the right words I guess. The account of my baby's birth, life and death that I've tried to write is so long and I cant seem to shorten it.
It has been 9 weeks since my 5 week old girl passed away from a rare genetic condition. We didnt know about it before, during or after pregnancy. It just manifested itself at 3 weeks of age while she was in hospital. And days later they told us she wouldn't live very long and if she did it would only be a few weeks/months and it would not be easy. So the following 2 weeks when she was on life support were the most stressful in my whole life.
8 weeks ago it was a lot worse and I was in so much shock, pain and anxiety. I feel like I have come a fair way with the grieving, and am "dealing with it" better than before. Each week I get just a tiny bit stronger. So I am doing some things that I couldnt do early on. But life still isnt the same, I guess there is a "new normal" now.
I am doing a lot of different therapeutic things to deal with it, all of which I think are helping in combination and I have a lot of support around. But no matter how strong I feel, or how distracted I may be somedays, there is always some point where the reality keeps coming back to me that THIS IS NOT GOING TO GO AWAY. EVER. It happened. I had a baby and now I dont. My arms ache to hold her again. I will never know who she would have become. There is a big part of me and my life that is missing. She is not coming back. Why did this happen, why did she suffer. Why did she have to die???
I do feel warm when I get reminders about her. I am glad I got to spend 3 good weeks with her before she became ill. So I have some beautiful memories. But then it was cruelly taken away. I do believe she is an angel to watch over us, for whatever reason that may become clear someday but not in this lifetime, and I will see her again one day and that warms my heart. But still, in the cold reality of day, I miss her so so so much. I feel angry that I was deprived of keeping her, of being able to share my life with her. I temporarily put my focus on other things but at the end of the day, I miss her so much and I think of her every minute of the day. It just doesnt go away. All I want to do is think of her, talk about her and live in my mind back in June/July when she was alive.
I read a lot about grief and have read every book in the library about maternal grief that I could find. I have read so many accounts of other women who have lost babies and it makes me so sad and angry that we have to live our lives without them and cant see them. And the sad thing is it is not just me but there are so many women out there going through exactly the same thing and never got to see their baby again (which is the reality when they die) but reading it confirms it in a way, that so many people are living their lives like me, missing their babies. It just hits home, makes it real to me that it happened and she wont be coming back.
OH MY GOSH!!! u poor woman!! if u were next to me id scoop u up and give u the biggest hug and cuddles!!
i am literally wiping tears away right now (p.s very rare for me).. i cant begin to explain how sorry i am but how grateful u got to have that 3 week time frame with ur lil baby...
i am so so so so sorry that u have gone through this and hope u have alot of support.. although through here u will be made to feel like ur everyones sister and friend...
the pain goes slowly but will take a while as u heal the pain will subside but it always hangs in there for those moments that count.. U have lost something so precious and so important to u and thats something that takes time... but if u ever ever need any shoulder to cry on or just too pour out too PM me ill always have u in my thoughts hun
Last edited by Rouge; September 20th, 2010 at 12:12 AM.
Sweetie, my heart goes out to you, I wish that I could take away your pain. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl. I pray that the memories you have will stay warm in your heart forever.
Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping @24wks
Trisomy 13
Maisy, my heart absolutely goes out to you. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter.
Although our stories are so different, I, like you am grateful that I got to spend time with my babies alive, when many others don't get that chance.. I am however still bitter and feel immensely ripped off that I had to say goodbye at all..
9weeks after the death of your little one is such a short amount of time.. In the early days of grief, for me each day I managed to function was a blessing (still is sometimes) but I can honestly say I was in shock for at least 4 months.. The pain of grief, well yes in my experience it does get easier.. It's different. I do not believe I will ever get over the death of Taite and Seth, but I have learnt to live with it.. I will admit though that sometimes I still have those days where the grief is too hard to bear and the reality of what has happened cripples me, but those days are few and far between.. It is a hard, horrible journey and it is painful that you can't do anything about it.. I will always have babies that died and sometimes that reality is hard to get your head around.. I have no idea if I have helped you at all or answered your question as I am only giving my experience.. Once again I am sorry you lost your precious baby xx
I'm so sorry to hear that you have had to experience such devastating heartbreak I don't know what it is like to walk the path you are walking now, but I hope that it does get easier for you to do it I would feel very honoured to be able to read about your DD when you are ready to share it.
Maisy - we're in a similar boat as you know, so I can't tell you if it gets easier. I do know a woman whose son was stillborn 40 years and she still aches for him. Unfortunately, as you say, this is the new normal.
It's been 8 weeks since my son Leo was born and died and it is all so raw. I feel robbed too. It isn't supposed to be like this. There are women here who can relate and I hope that helps you.
Do you mind me asking, what is your DD's name? I look forward to reading her story when you have the energy to post.
I am so sorry your arms are empty. I suppose life doesnt go back to normal. You your DH and DD need to find a new normal that included all your memories of your beautiful DD2!
Just rambling about grief and loss
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