People really do not understand until they go through it themselves. It doesnt read as though it was malicious but I understand how hard it is to deal with. Of course you never move on. You can move forward though. Grief will always be there and some days will be harder than others. Just as you'd like people to accept your new normal, that you will never be the same, unfortunately we have to accept that others just do not, cannot understand. Let it go, if you can. You know you will love and honour your beautiful son until the day you die.
Im so sorry for the loss of your son. I can see why you'd be upset and very, very hurt by what was written, but I dont think your Aunty had that intention by writing it. I think she was just trying to help. Personally I hate it when people say 'its time to move on' and 'things happen for a reason'. There is NO reason for it to happen nor is there time we should have moved on by, loss changes us in a way that cannot be understood by anyone who hasnt been there.
Btw, I think matters like these should not be expressed on facebook for all to see and you have a right to be angry and upset.
I totally understand the anger. I wrote heaps of crap on facebook that i am sure people were worried about but my thought is better to put it out there then bottle it all up and then end up a basketcase. She probably thought she was just worried but surely she could have just come to you and talked to you herself?
When you lose a child it makes other people uncomfortable and they say stupid crap instead of just letting you rant when you are angry with the world!
I had my dad tell me after i lost my son and was pregnant with my daughter that he had read an article about how fatter people are more likely to have stillborn children! From his point of view he was just trying to encourage me to lose weight and from my point of view he was a total ass hole that just made me feel responsible for killing my child....
Maybe reading that message has brought back all the anger that you had back then as well?
Thanks all for the comments, my aunty never messaged me or even spoke to me about this. My mum never replied either, yes I know she may have been concerned but the way she made her message look was basically telling me I should get over it that whats done is done and to stop talking about it IYKWIM. But for someone who I barely talk to and have not seen in 7 years to say this makes me very angry. I have blocked her husband from posting as it caused a big argument between the family and of course everyone took my uncles side.. I wont message her I will let this go because I know in my heart that Tyler was born and lived even for jsut a short time and he will always be apart of me till I die.
Thank you all once again, some people just do not understand what us mums go through.
Tylers Mummy - you never "move on". You conceived Tyler, you carried him, you birthed him and you held him in your arms as he died, and you hold him in your heart now and forever.
Only someone who is "old school" about grief or who has never had their baby die would think that. I think I used to think that about a work colleague of mine.. wondering why she still acted and behaved certain ways. It's just naiviety on their part, and in a way, half their luck for not knowing. But it hurts those of us who do know what it's like to have your children die in your arms and then carry that grief and people's insensitivity.
I never understand why people think that babies can be replaced. They don't think that about other people in their lives, or their pets, I presume. Every baby is loved and nutured and unique. But for some reason people, again, niaive ones, think they can be replaced. As if.
I am sorry that you got to see something that upset you. Sadly that's also a part of our life as bereaved mums too. I am always being confronted by insensitive relatives... hmm, what is it about relatives that they think they have more of a right to say what they feel, irrespective of how insensitive it might be. I am just sorry that on top of the hurt we already carry, that there in additional hurt.
I agree with someone else, it seems she was worried about you, but just not so good at communicating that. The funny thing is, she was saying that facebook wasn't the best place for some things, and she uses it inappropriately herself. LOL. Do as I say not as I do.
There are better ways she could have approached it - call your Mum and ask her, or call you and check on you. But remember for some reason people are scared to actually make contact with bereaved, especially mummas to angel babies.
Hope you're travelling ok now. Hugs to both your babies.
I know this is an old post but I think you have every right to be upset by this. I really don't like it when people think they know what is best for us when they have not been through it themselves! Sure I would love to 'move on' too and in some ways I have but my baby's life and death is with me every second of the day. Its not something you can switch off and from what I have heard from women having rainbow babies after a loss, a baby does not replace the first baby nor does it make one get over it. I too had a family friend say I should just go and have another (umm not that simple and it completely de-valued the life of my baby who was here and was real!). Perhaps your aunt was concerned but I think in situations like this family shouldnt be allowed to see what we post on FB! I don't think messages are appropriate in this context - it would have been better face to face or to talk to you to see how you were feeling rathr than judging what she sees on FB. I hope you are feeling better xx
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