First of all, thank you everyone for your kind words - I'm not strong, I'm just adamant I don't forget one detail of Ianto's life (I know it seems silly, and I know I'm wrong, but I'm kinda counting the time in the hospital as part of his "life") so I needed to write it as soon as possible. I'm glad I've been able to inject a little humour in there as well - despite everything that happened, I have been able to laugh about little things. I think it may be part of how my family and I greive, because the same thing happened when my nan died last year. We'd go from crying one second to laughing about how she used to walk the next. With Ianto, I'm going from sobbing about how alone he must be to laughing about how I almost hit the midwife with my waters (for example)...

I'll most likely edit this a thousand times, for myself really, and I'll include things that are yet to come like his funeral this Saturday. This morning we met with the celebrant, and I got a little angry that she didn't ask about his "life" after he was born - I'm going to email her soon about that and tell her I need her to say something about how soft his skin was...

ausgirl - No reason was found on the ultrasound, but they checked him externally after we left the hospital (one thing that's really been upsetting me - I just keep seeing him in my mind's eye, so alone...) and we'll get the results of that when I have to go back to the hospital for my follow-up in a few weeks. They also checked the placenta, his cord, and a lot of blood from me - I was even joking with the woman who took my blood that I hoped she left me some to keep for myself We declined an autopsy for the simple reason that I don't want anyone hurting my sweet boy - he's been through enough, and I know I couldn't handle thinking about it. I've also been saying, even if someone could tell me 100% what caused it, I'm not sure I'd want to know - what if it was my fault? If it's something that could affect future pregnancies, of course I want to know, but they said usually with something like that they'd pick it up by the tests they're doing anyway.