Isabel and her twin's Due Date

[KAM]

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.


I wasn't sure where to put this, but I woke up feeling like crap and needed to get it out of my head.

Sometimes I think that it would have been better if we never wanted kids, if we never tried, if we never conceived the twins then we wouldn't have been left broken hearted when they had to go. I wouldn't have seen the light and excitment in my husbands face everytime Isabel kicked him and I wouldn't have seen that light leave. I wouldn't feel like a failure for not being able to give him a family, for not being able to give our parents there first grandchild. I would have watch my dreams die, my life die.

I know they tell me that its not my fault but they don't know what happened so how do they know it wasn't my fault. And even if it wasn't a mum should be able to protect her babies and keep them safe, but I couldn't.

I hate myself I've lost muscle tone, I have spider veins, stretch marks, labour, post partum bleeding. The mental and physical preperations, we had started organising her nursery and so many plans (classes, etc) and for what to have the one thing that matter most to us in the world taken from us and to left with a house full, a life full of gut wrenching memories.

Why did I bother? Why do I bother? When all thats left is an empty shell a dead soul. Nothings the same I have no friends i keep my family at a distance and my marriage is under almost unbearable stress. Why do I bother if this is all I deserve from life?

It hurts so bad that I don't think I would even feel it if I was stabbed because even that would be nothing compare to the pain I'm constantly in.

I just want to know why, I just want it all to be a horrible dream. I'm tired and I'm hurt and I just want to stop feeling, to give up.