Congratulations on the birth of your precious sweet Arla
I'm so sorry she was too precious to stay and I hope you find comfort and support to help you through this tragic time. I can only imagine how empty your arms must feel right now after dreaming of your daughter and carrying her for so long. Many hugs and thoughts coming your way xx
My heart is heavy with the sadness that your precious Arla couldn't stay. IYou will always be her mother. And she your daughter. I will write more later, but I hope you are doing as good as you can. Much love and strength.
Congratulations on the birth of Arla, and I am so very sorry she couldn't stay with you. I can tell what a brilliant mummy you are to bring her earthside in such a beautiful way. I am so sad that she is not in your arms.
Thank you so much for all your kind words and thoughts, it's so nice to receive and I thought it would be fitting to reply today, being one week since Arla's birthday.
This week has been the longest week of my life. Such a surprising array of emotions and highs and lows that come and go so quickly, and triggers of sadness and happiness that surprise even myself.
We have spent the week with family, and I honestly can't tell you how I have eaten a meal, slept, functioned as it's all been automatic and a meal gets put in front of me, and I eat it. It's surreal and bizarre.
My beautiful sisters have been taking extra special care of me, packing up Arla's room (which DH and I promptly unpacked as the room felt bare and impersonal, and we are getting so much comfort from sitting in there with her things and keeping the light on in there at night and just walking past it makes me smile )
I have found a strength I never knew existed. Much like on this day one week ago, when I performed something I never thought I would have strength or courage to do, it's a shame that you have to be pushed to the depths of your capacity to realise how much you can endure. DH and I have been talking alot, every day, checking in with each other, and both agree that we feel we have experienced everything life can offer in terms of highs and lows - the utter joy and immense love of birth, and the harrowing depths of devastation that losing your child brings. I feel more confident in my ability as a person, as a mother, as a human being from this experience. I feel I can face anything now, and I will survive any pain life has to throw at me. It's like a mysteriously comforting 'I know the meaning of life' feeling. We also started counselling on Friday which was helpful but exhausting!
It's interesting to observe our own experience of grief, and those around us. Yes we could get angry, and hate the world, and feel like we don't deserve this awful thing happening to us. But that is also all it is: a thing that has happened to us. Rather than allowing it to become our identity and 'who we are' we are trying to make a conscious choice (and during those bad hours and bad days, this is a really hard struggle) to not let it define us. We are also trying to embrace whatever grief throws at us - sometimes utter despair, sadness, loss, gut wrenching pain, and sometimes joy, gratitude, reflection and excitement for the next chapter.
Take it all in and let it happen however it may happen. Which seems to change every few hours
Yesterday was a tough day. It started out being beautiful, a lovely breakfast in bed feeling positive and laughing with my best friend and sister, and joking around. Which turned to tears as soon as they left our house, and I was unable to get out of bed and sobbed until I couldn't sob any longer. DH and I talked about Arla and how excited we had been etc. we sat in her room for abit and cuddled on the chair that we were going to be feeding her on, and talked about how proud we were of one another. We cried over her little shoes. And generally allowed ourselves to be very sad. We then decided to go into town to regain some normalcy and even though I was still in my pajamas and was planning on staying in the car, I was ready to hit the big wide world out there.
We live in a rural area, and we got in the car and began to drive down our dirt road. Coming around a corner, still with tears in our eyes, we came to a screeching halt. Standing in the middle of the road, staring at us, was an eagle. 4 feet tall, the majestic amazing bird stood there and stared back at us. It then took off, the sound and sight of its amazingly huge wings taking our breath away. It then flew above our car, very low, only five metres in the air for some time.
Arla's name means Eagle. It's times like those that make you smile and wonder and give you a glimmer of hope for the future.
That's how early grief is my dear..... all consuming, a blur, trying to find your way forward in your new reality. You are a mumma, but not everyone can see or feel your beautiful Arla. I remember those days.... and in some ways I am glad they are behind me, and in others not. I agree, I found an enormous sense of strength after my babies died.... and I know I am a better person for having birthed them, held them and sadly watched them die, bury them and mourn them.. I want to write more, but can't. Know you are not alone. Your strength and courage shine through..... I have a very deep sense that you will be ok. xxxooo
Your experience with the eagle made me tingle. I remember another woman here on bb having a similar experience with a butterfly. Look out because I think you will see more of that eagle.
I think your ability to let yourself feel and be with this experience but not be defined by it is truly insightful. It shows a unique insight into the processes of identity creation while also allowing yourself space to grieve and to feel the way you need to.
Your sisters sound like a real touchstone for you and I am so glad you have them close to you.
Well we've finally gotten through all the 'events' surrounding Arla's passing. I know this must sound strange but we had a diary full of things we 'had' to do, despite how we were feeling on the day emotionally or physically. We had the funeral, which was just my husband and I dressing up to be with our daughter in a room alone for a few hours, and then more doctors appointments and test results (all which have so far shown a perfect bill of health for myself and Arla, a confusing, relieving and anger inducing experience all in one!) and her memorial service and cremation yesterday.
Today I feel somewhat numb, but lightened by the fact that I can grieve without public display now, without consultation and expectation. We built a beautiful garden for Arla yesterday at our property with family, where everyone contributed a plant or a sculpture etc and we made something amazing, comforting, emotionally soothing and a special place for us to go and sit and be with her memory.
Grief is still showing us twists and turns, but the desperation seems to be subsiding for now. I am actually able to think towards the future a little more, which is a big deal when you are used to the despair of mourning and wonder whether you will ever look towards tomorrow! I am feeling reflective, almost grateful for her short life and passing, and the lessons it has taught us. She is leaving a legacy in ourselves, our relationship and our family of gratitude, appreciation, love, and a better future. We are already better people, better parents from Arla's influence, my baby girl has made a lasting impression on all of those who loved her in so many different ways. She's healing rifts within both of our families that have been there for 30+ years! We knew she was special, and it's nice to see that she is special to others too.
We have been talking alot about fear and sweating the small things in life - did anyone else experience a sudden 'invincibility' and feeling like nothing in life could beat them after such a devastating event? It's quite an amazing feeling. It puts every worry, every past fear, every anxiety provoking thought you've ever had into perspective. If someone had said to be four weeks ago 'your baby is going to die. Do you think you can handle this?' I would have said 'no, I will die myself, I will never be able to get through that'...but today, three weeks on, I'm functioning, I'm processing, I'm dealing with it. And I'm amazed.
Summery, so good to hear from you. It's so true, and the part about leaving a legacy- well as humans we can only hope to live a life long enough and good enough to eventually leave a legacy so what a precious and amazing little life was Arla's to be able to leave such a beautiful and important legacy in such a brief space of time. Take care. X
Summery, I have no words of advice as I've never had to walk in your shoes. But I just wanted to send a hug and say I'm so very, very sorry that you don't have your baby girl with you today. BB is a wonderful community, and you'll meet some very special women on here who have walked in your shoes. It's not often I read something that touches me deeply, but your posts certainly have. You sound like a special lady, and an incredibly strong mumma. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, but I wish you and your DH comfort, peace and healing in the days ahead as you hold Arla close to your hearts.
Wow summery, such an amazing post. You are inspiring. I am so sorry Aria left you, and that you don't have any answers for that loss, but I am glad you are feeling a little more positive for now. I am sure there will be ups and downs, but it seems like Aria has left you with the strength to get through it.
My friend lost her daughter at 36 weeks
She almost died herself with preeclampsia on te delivery table.
11 years later she honours her daughter by buying a gift from the Kmart wishing tree for a child the age her daughter would have been.
Her baby's photo is on the table with photos of her living children.
It was hard and you never forget and you will get angry when you see people who "don't deserve kids" have babies for a long long time.
Allow yourself all the emotions.
I'm so so sorry for your loss
Summery I am amazed at your strength. To see positives that Arla has passed on is a beautiful thing and a blessing. I love that you are being kind to yourself and acknowledging that this journey is not one anyone could imagine taking and you are taking it and I want to hug you x
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