Sigh, some days it just feels like it never gets any easier. Sometimes I wish that my family would cry, and would acknowledge my angels. So what happened today?

I was visiting a relative who's been very cruel in the past (I'll recap on that little episode below) and she brightly mentions to me today about the little baby born 16 weeks premature, who was only 270grams who survived. Who mentions that? Am I supposed to be grateful that other people get to have their baby survive whilst my 3 died? And more, how am I supposed to process that statement, which seems to acknowledge that that baby is real and worth mentioning when mine are not, when 2 of mine were that weight at least, even if not quite that gestation. So does a baby count more when the hospital will offer life saving treatment as opposed to when it doesn't? i am so hurt an so angry, and yet I didn't say a thing at the time. All I saw were my angels in my arms, so small and so precious, and I had no idea of what to say. I guess I do now, but the moment has passed. I still don't get it, how can someone be so cruel?

So the other cruelty? Just after the time of Sophie's anniversary at the end of August last year, in 2011, I sent out invitations for HB's first birthday party. I know I should have thought about that timing a bit more........I had an invitation but separate to that I sent either an email or a letter, requesting that donations be made to a charity of my choice in memory of Amelia, Nicholas and Sophie. My MIL, bless her, just said, "I know it's important to you and so it's important to us". But my Mother called and told me what she thought, although for her she was trying to be tactful and even though it was upsetting, after a while it did help open some line of communication about how she feels about my angels. But this other relative? it's hard to know exactly what she was thinking or some of the context of what she meant as she said what she did in an email, and she has never spoke to me. But the gist of what she wrote was " HB deserves to be showered with presents, and not some beings that don't matter, and why now anyway, after 2 1/2 years, and that I was ruining HB's birthday making it some sort of macabre memorial". Seriously, that email, nearly sent me over the edge. For the first time ever I was completely hysterical. The only good thing about it is it made my Mum's efforts seem kind and my mum was very supportive of me ( over the other relative) which really surprised me actually.

I just wish that it was easier sometimes. It's in fact easier to deal with strangers and their inept comments. But how do you deal with someone who came to Amelia's funeral, who cried with me many times after Amelia died (but not so much with Nicholas or Sophie thinking about it now, oh well I suppose from a person who thinks like that if I've already experienced the death of my baby once, it must be easier the second and third times...) I just wish they would try to be more considerate and I wish I just had a protective bubble around me.

I am not prepared to cut this person out of my life, but it's very tempting at times, so I suppose I just have to learn to deal with it. I just wish I was quicker off the mark with saying something, rather than being like a stunned mullet. I suppose how can she know how I feel if I never let on the sorts of things I have typed here? I guess I'd just hope that she had some sensitivity, but it's a vain hope, except right at the beginning, she's not shown any towards me, DH or our angels.

It's good to I suppose, that I am so angry and hurt right now. Reminds me of how much I love my angels. How much they have shaped who I am now.

Thankgod for BB, I have no one to talk to at this hour.