I followed your satanist thread too & I have to admit i had a few little giggles here and there, I remeber being just like your daugther *sigh* I can understand your concern & I think inviting him over for dinner is a great idea but better yet why not invite his parents too? (You could even bring up his poor dead cousin) how much more embarrassing could it get?
You are so amazing! Love your ability to take it in your stride!
I can give you both sides here... i brought home dropkicks (much to my parents horror and brother's amusement!). My parents did the exact oppsite of what you are doing. My father was in the Army so I got the "My way or the high way - I say Jump, you say how high" speech. And a fat lot of good that did! I just found ways around it... would say I was going to one place, and head for another. When they cottoned on to that, my friends would invite BF to their place and that's where I would tell parents I was heading. They'd drop me off, see me go inside, wait up the street for 15 minutes to make sure I didn't sneak off (DUH! As if I didn't know! LOL). Then they cottoned on to that, I'd get grounded. My parents tried yelling at me in public over it (but I was so used to them behaving like that in general it didn't phase me). Everything they tried failed. Well, except in one case when I brought home a guy I reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllly liked and Dad and a good family friend (also in the Army) sat their cleaning their rifles (they both were part of a firearms club)... scared the dude so much so he walked straight out and never spoke to me again! I can laugh at that now... but back then... way uncool! From my parents perspective - very effective! Other than the fact he was the only NICE boy I brought home before the BF I had before DH (and of course DH himself!). But bottom line... my parents laid down one ule after another with no leeway and made no effort to get to know my BF's. So I found ways to "rebell". I always saw their flaws in the end and would move on... It took a couple of BF's before I saw the overall mistake I was making but I got their in the end. And it was only my peers who made me see those mistakes BTW.
Other side of the coin. My little sister moved in with DHand I (long story) and we bacme her guardians for a period of time. She brought home some MEGA drop kicks. She was aready a bit of a wild child so I simply put boundaries in place. I told her the house rules; we always know where you are and when you'll be back. If you're running late - call regardless of the time; under no circumstances, no drugs and if BF takes them - not in our house; no unsafe sex. We invited the BF around for dinner so we could meet them. On one occassion, my sister broke a rule and instead of going off the deep end at her, I sat her down and told her I was disappointed she didn't respect us enough to obey the rules and asked what she thought the consequence of her actions should be. She was so shocked (after having experienced our parents) and gave herself a much harsher consequence than I was going to! I only had to play the heavy once when she got involved in something dangerous. The BF presented at our house and I refused to let him in (this wasn't pretty). I stopped my sister from leaving. The next day I introduced her to someone from work who had BTDT and who scared the crap out of her. Although the message got through (but she wouldn't admit it for some time), it did cause tension between us for a while (a couple of months). But, in that situation, I chose to sacrifice my relationship with my sister for her safety. She now understands that.
So (geez this is long!) I think what you're doing is PERFECT. Playing the heavy hand usually just sends them "underground" and is the beginning of deceit, lies, and a lack of trust. Your DD already has the foundation blocks of being a wonderful person and I don't doubt she will draw on that to make her decisions. Be honest with her at all times, stick to the facts when talking to her about her BF (so he can't manipulate anything you say), and be there for her when she wants to talk.
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