It's hard when it seems like there is one thing after the other. Is during the week a bit quieter? Would you be able to take her out for a coffee and a chat. Maybe even bring up that you thought about turning the power off the other night when they were doing ...., you don't want to cos you want them to be comfortable too. But at the moment, you are finding it hard to be comfortable in your own house, and so if things don't calm down you might have to take some of the actions.
This way you might be able to come to some solutions that work for both of you, and if you don't they have been pre-warned that you might turn the power off or do x, y or z and when it happens (hopefully) they might think for a little and realise that it is their actions that have caused the thing to happen. Might reduce the tantrum, or delay it a little bit.
May i ask, how old is she now? If she is younger than 18 and you kick her out this could have nasty ramifications for you - cops visiting etc.
But its certainly what i would do!
Lock the house - her house is the granny flat - your house is the house. She shouldnt have access to this and vice versa you then wont have access to her granny flat. Did you guys put her on the lease or is it just in your names? I'd be adding her to the lease as a sub let of the granny flat asap, and ensuring her electricity is a seperate supply if you can.
If she is a big enough girl to "move out" and live with her BF then she is a big enough girl to take care of the simple issues that come along with moving out..... including getting her own washing machine (and doing the washing!!), dryer and internet!!!
I know you love your daughter but you are not doing you or her any favours by allowing them to sponge off you and your DH. Different story if she respected you, but obvioulsy she doesnt hun.
Stop lending her money, stop doing her washing and if she comes home with a bunch of friends and alcohol ask them all to leave.
Its your house, she is still a child under your roof (I dont care if she pays bills or not). Either she lives by your rules or she leaves. Its because you are trying to avoid her tanties that she behaves this way - because she can.
She is acting like a 10year old with too much pocket money, you have to pull her into line. Yes it's tiring but the consequences of NOT doing this will be far worse. She still needs to be mothered and shown the right way to get on in life, she needs you to show her how to do it herself, not you do it for her. Thank goodness your lease is up soon....
I totally agree with LUlu, you need to put your foot down, it is the best thing for both of you.
I have found out the hard way that you need to be tough with disrespectful teenagers.
My DD15 was caught sneaking out from a friends house (where there was a slumber party) and was picked up from a local park in the middle of the night by her friends mother drunk with a whole bunch of teenagers. When they brought her home I'm sure she was still half drunk and we got into a huge fight, she was adamant she had done nothing wrong as all her friends were doing it
Anyway, to cut to the chase, she ended up running away to another friends house. She ended up texting me at the end of the day and telling me that she was coming home, and I told her she will only be welcome back if she is prepared to live by MY rules while living im MY house! When she turned up home that afternoon I had packed every item of her clothing and all her personal items from her room and had them stacked at the front door. The look on her face was PRICELESS!! I told her unless she was willing to live by the rules of the house and show respect to myself and my husband she could take her stuff and find somewhere else to live. She decided to stay, and spent hours unpacking her stuff (whiuch gave her time to think about what she had done) and I'm sure she must have had to deal with a hangover aswell, although she would never admit it, LOL.
Of course she still had tantrums, especially as she was banned from staying overnight anywhere for months! But, her tantrums were nowhere near as bad as they used to be, as she knew she would not get her own way just because I found it easier to give in than deal with her fits!!
Sorry to make this a "me" post but I just want people to realise (as I have) that sometimes it is a LOT harder to deal with the tantrums than let your child have their own way, but it is worth it in the end as they realise where the boundaries are. Miss15 knows that if she ever displays the abusive behviour that she used to towards me, she will have to find somewhere else to live!
I hope things work out for your family, be firm and stick to your guns.
Hard but fair is my motto.
By the way, miss 13 was raised in the same house, by the same people, in the exact same way, with the same rules and she is a wonderful person that woul dnever act like miss 15 does. So, don't blame yourself for her behaviour. Be firm!!
Last edited by Marlene; July 9th, 2008 at 11:27 AM.
heres my advice ,
Ive been there done that been that kid seen that kid, altho i was not working. Had no money to blow but i had the party's and mom couldnt stop me. But at a much younger age. Poor home life i had and no role models, was on streets at age of 13 and grew up real fast i am married with 3 kids and another on way we live a humble life now and are very happy. Im sorry to say it "tough love" is the answer Unfortunatly, if they get into drugs it can just continue. All i had to do was look at my two eldest siblings and see what drugs did to them and i shaped up real quick, that was not the life i wanted.
My eldest sister even now has not changed her ways at age 32. We didnt have tough love at home nor a mother whom was capable like you. You sound like a VERY caring loving devoted mother WELL DONE!
You need to put your foot down NO FOOD if they dont pay rent. Take the fuzes out of there granny flat till they pay rent. Put a lock on the laundry door as well! Why should they be getting everything and not contributing. Heres the thing they got it tooo good. Why pay and clean when they can have it all and keep there cash and not lift a finger. If granny flat has its own meter box disconnect it they can pay the reconnection fee. Un fair. They need to learn to live in the real world. In the real world dont pay, you dont get utilities. At the age of 16 i was renting my own apartment and putting myself back through school. Its possible for them to change but they need a reality grip.
Your doing a great job! This in no way shape or form reflects on you we all have choices and those two are making theirs. Im proud of you for asking for advice and being bold enough to do so WELL DONE!
I was once a rebel child and ran away heaps when my mum was in hospital! my parent's ended up giving me tough love and i settled down! when i was 18 i moved out with my now fiance and we have been together 6yrs!
hows ur dd behaving now?? im 20 now moved out of home at 15 lived part of the time with my aunty and my then bf...mum tried to stop me btw...5 years later i now live my dp,pay my own bills and realised how how much of b!tch i was...me and mum now have a brilliant relationship (im the one she turns to not my older sis) xxx
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