If i was having trouble with DD and XP's new partner wrote me a bunch of suggestions and she only had a little kid i would be blind with fury. Not a rational reaction but probably the one you'll get.
If she's not willing to see the role she has in how her DD is then nothing you say is going to make much difference, kwim? And if she was the sort to wonder if it COULD be her behaviour that's making it worse, she'd have begun to sort it out already.
All of the DSD's behaviours smack to me of low self esteem and being desperate to be loved and fit in. If she got those traits from her upbringing and from her mum, there's going to be a very difficult gulf to breach - DSD NEEDS to spend more time with her mum and feel more loved and wanted there, but when mum has tried to get that to happen in any small way then through anger at how unloved she's been feeling DSD lashes out at her mum and refuses to spend time with her. Mum then feels unloved and unwanted and hopeless and stops trying, daughter gets MORE unloved-feeling. And so on.
Doubtless the situation as it has come to be is a product of the mum's parenting and personality, but DSD is 15 now, and can't be forced to do anything. It's hard to tell anyone who feels burnt by lack of love to be more loving and they'll reap rewards - unless DSD and her mother BOTH decide simultaneously that they need to take more interest in, spend more time with and show more love to one another, it's not going to happen - just one of them doing it would probably result in the other telling them to shove it and the first being horribly hurt and rejected.
I do think at 15 it's time for DSD to take some responsibility for the situation too - the dynamic between her and her mum is her responsibility too. They need to cut one another some slack, and be more open, but you don't know how much pain there is already stopping that happen. I know a few families where with even with quite young teenagers, there is so much pain there already the parents have pretty much given up.
Maybe DD's mum feels like no matter what she does she won't be good enough for DD, who is so desperate to come back to you and your DH. I would be in AGONY if DD felt that way about me, whatever had happened between us. And i can imagine that it would only take a little bravado and a lot of pain on both sides before the situation was (as it sounds like it is for your DSD) spiralling down. Being open about our feelings can be such a risk.
Perhaps you could suggest to both of them family therapy, to try to sort out the dynamics between them, but beyond that i'd just stay in touch and keep talking to them both as much as you do, and see how it goes. You don't want to further alienate EITHER of them.
Hey Fiona I didn't see this thread earlier but I just wanted to post to say that's fantastic news for your DSD because you and your DH sound like great influences for her!
Are you still moving house to accommodate everyone?
Kaz - after much umming and ahhhing, I decided that we should stay here for the time being and do some renovations, some of which will need doing anyway if we do decide to move at a later stage because I wouldn't feel comfortable selling the house in its current state. So the To Do list (before end Jan eeek) is to:
1. FIx second bedroom so that we actually have a 3bedroom house again. Paint bedroom.
2. Move the kitchen ie. install a new kitchen in a different spot to current kitchen.
3. Carpet and paint the hallway.
4. Put storage (shelving, cupboards, drawers) into living area.
5. Have desk built into living area.
6. Put door between hallway and living area (no ordinary door mind you, I have set my heart on getting one that is upholstered and pin-tucked like in a recording studio and godammit I'm going to get it).
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