My eldest DD has left home, not enough freedom she says... I really want her to come home and wonder if she is right that maybe I have'nt allowed her enough freedomd, then again on the other hand I think we have been pretty fair. Just second guessing everything I guess.
I am looking for ideas on what you are prepared to let your DD's do?
Opinions on..
Out with older people (boys+ girls, mainly boys though) in cars
Would you let them go away for a weekend with friends?
Just hanging out at shopping centres on a regular basis?
Drinking?
The people who she has moved in with seem to be prepared to let her do anything she wants, including all of the above. If I want her home do I have to allow this to happen or do I just bite the bullet (not let her go overboard)and run the risk of her staying out/leaving home?
Oh I hear you on this one!!!
DD has just turned 17 and IMO has got more sensible thank goodness but this is what she is allowed. Hanging out at the shops- yes but not at night except on late night shopping night. Out with older people in cars a tricky one, yes if I know them and they have a decent car (i need to know who they are and what car they drive LOL) I have found that teenagers are much more responsible about drink driving than we were! Also on red Ps they can only have one passenger after 11pm which means they often come home earlier. Away for weekend with friends Only if there were adults/parents there and I had spoken to them first, otherwise a mob of kids- NO WAY. Drinking ah the big question! We have just started to let DD drink if she is at home, not out. She had a NYE party here and we let her drink cause we were home and it was a safe environment. She has accepted this and agrees its fair. last night she went to a party- didn't drink, then came home with 2 of her grilfriends and had a UDL.
We have decided that giving some freedoms means she accepts the restrictions better, also if we give reasons for saying no rather than just saying no cause we can.
DD lived with my dad for 7 months last year, he didn't seem to notice or care what she did and she actually got sick of there being no rules/boundaries. Since she has come home she is much happier cause she knows we make these rules to protect her ot ruin her lfe LOL
I don't let my DD do any of the above! Its got a little to do with her behaviour though, she hasn't shown enough responsibility to.
I can't stand 'hanging out' at the shopping centre, she goes there to shop and meet friends and work.
No riding in cars with boys! Well haven't crossed that bridge yet, but I'll probably take Mrsmacs attitude to that one, it will depend on the person that has the car.
What is it with going away for the weekend ALONE? My DD wants that too but I just laughed and said she could wait till she had a licence. We did briefly talk about it, but only so I could point out how no one would want a bunch of 16yos yahooing around their establishment, and the fact that most of her friends are pretty hopeless with responsibility and that she would get lumped with it. That worked.
Drinking - no. I'm sure she has had one or two when she has been at a party (that she gets picked up from etc), but I'm standing fast. Its been good because she has repeatedly seen how silly it is to spew in front of people. When she hits 17 I will review the rules.
Its all so individual, and it would be harder for you if DD is hanging out with older people. I'm not sure how I would handle it. I suppose I would hope that the people have some sort of maturity....
My DD is a 'young' 16 and not stupidly boy crazy thank heavens. She wants to achieve at school (after she threatened to leave home too for the same reasons), but I'd say that is through seeing her friends move out and have nothing, no boundaries and not much future. I've been sort of lucky that she hasn't pushed any harder.
I wasn't allowed to drink but was allowed to do the other stuff, of course I would drink then My parents gave me a lot of freedom and luckily enough for me I had the smarts to deal with some of the situations I found myself in. Some of my friends were not so lucky.
Out with older people (boys+ girls, mainly boys though) in cars?
No Would you let them go away for a weekend with friends?
As long as I had spoken to the parents. Just hanging out at shopping centres on a regular basis?
Yes Drinking?
No
With my DD#1 I just gradually increase her privliages, even she wouldn't notice. She is going on a plane to see her aunty tomorrow by herself
If my dd came home after all that stuff I would still not allow it! I see it as rewarding bad behaviour.
My DD always tells me she wants to move out, but I have mentioned to her that moving out to go and live with someone elses parents is not really moving out, it's being a burden on someone else! It's not growing up and becoming independant, it's mooching! I tell her if she wants more priviages becasue she is getting older she needs to take on more responsability around the house to earn it.
Do you have any way of contacting the ppl she is with? I would ask them why they find it so easy to take your DD from a loving home? Why they didn't ask you if there was trouble at home before taking her in... they probably think they are wonderful taking in a troubled teen. Have you called the police?
I have a 16yo DS.
I have to say that I would not allow him to do most on your list. Although we are really lucky and he doesn't ask, he's just not that type of kid. He doesn't "hang out" with mates, when he goes camping with his father, he will have one or two drinks, or after a long day at work, his dad will give him a drink - it's always supervised and it's only one or two and they are far and few apart.
Out with older people in cars no, I have reservations about my kids going with their cousins - although I do allow this because I know them and how they drive
Weekend away with friends I would be speaking to the friends parents first and making sure adults would be present
Hanging out at a shopping centre no - I can't stand seeing groups of kids hanging out doing nothing. Would rather they be at one of their houses
Drinking plenty of time for that later. I tell my 16yo, the laws will change just before he turns 18, they'll change it to 21, then 25.
My 16yo is quite responsible, he babysits for us with DS2, he mows our yard and his grandparents yard, irons, cleans, cooks, only talks back occasionally. Yes he does have attitude sometimes but all kids do. He doesn't hang around shopping centres or anywhere else, never asks to go out of a night time with his mates. He has been invited to the beach tomorrow for one of his mates birthdays. I've said yes, although it does worry me, because he isn't a strong swimmer, has never swam at the beach (that I can remember), burns really easily - even with sunscreen. They are going by train and I just have to trust that he will behave properly. I put my faith in the way that we have brought him up.
Is it possible for you to sit with your daughter and set down some ground rules. Things that you will be firm about and not change your rulings, some that may be changed and add her opinion too. Explain to her the reasoning why you expect certain types of behaviours and why you don't want her to do other things. Maybe you can come to some agreement. Hope that it works out for both of you.
oh hun, hugs! but having left home, at the same age, for similar reasons, hers my little bit -
having to ask my mum for permission to do absolutely everything really, really sucked at that age. i couldnt even make a phone call without her consent, she even pin locked the phone. i wanted to pay to have my own phone line installed but that was out of the question (i worked part time and was still one of the higest ramking students) so much for being a "mature, reliable, independant student" as all my teachers said.
so, at 15 i started my planning to leave home. i had everything - lounge, fridge, cutlery, soaps, even tea towels! at 16 i was ready to go, and never came home until i left my ex (dont think "oh but i dont want her to end up getting knocked up like that girl" - i fell pregnant with dd after my ex and i had already bought a house - yes, i bought a house at 18)
anyway, to answer your q's -
out with older people - well, do you know them? or are they relative strangers? if you know them, yes, if they are strangers - chances are she wants to get to know them herself before she introduces them iykwim... thats a very tricky one!
hanging at the shops - sure
away for weekend - sure, if she pays for it and other parents are around (even if they are staying in the next house or something, but still around)
drinking - if she is that age and she wants to drink, she is going to do it if you like it or not, she might even want to do it more because you don't let her. so, a few drinks at home, where she can learn her own limits and not make bad choices because the wrong people are around could end up teaching her a thing or two about how to handle alcohol?
How much freedom for a 16.5 year old DD?
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My parents gave me a lot of freedom and luckily enough for me I had the smarts to deal with some of the situations I found myself in. Some of my friends were not so lucky.
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