RD - you're a fabulous sister ... not everyone would let her come live with you, considering you have your own kids to take care of!!!
DH and I used to be foster carers for teenagers, and each kid required different boundaries and obligations ... but some things were non negotiable, including:-
1. there was a chores roster. every kid *and* DH and I all had one chore, every day. when we had two kids, there were 4 chores, when there were 3, there were 5, etc, so that the chart made it obvious that things were shared equally. And then we each had a "big" chore to do over the weekend.
So the daily chores would be feeding the pets, doing the dishes, cooking the dinner (and either DH or I would help out, if they were not used to cooking), and walking the dogs. And when we needed fifth and sixth chores, they would be things like brushing the dogs and cat, or picking up around the TV area, etc.
The "big" weekend chores would be things like vacuuming the house, mopping the floors, doing the bathroom and toilet, etc.
2. We did a lot of things as positive reinforcement. Like, if you come shopping with us and help, then you can pick one non-essential item for up to $5. Or, if you help me sit down and write the shopping list (included going around the house, seeing what we're low on, cleaning out the kitchen and pantry, etc) then you get to help pick what we'll be having for dinners (because the ingredients would go on the list). So by doing that, it effectively taught them how to put together a shopping list, and we could discuss nutrition, budgeting, etc as we did it - without it having to be a "let's sit down and discuss how to budget our grocery shopping ... yay!"
3. Several things were simply expected of them from day one. Eg: you do your own laundry, and your own sheets, end of discussion. I don't clean your knickers, and you don't have to clean mine. Naturally, if they didn't know how to use the washing machine we'd teach them (we actually had little laminated cards by the washing machine and dryer with instructions, which we put up if it became obvious that one of our kids wasn't sure what to do!!). And if they ran out of clothes, then that's just too bad ... occasionally, we'd have kids with really poor hygeine who we had to encourage a bit more, but most kids got with the program pretty quick smart. It was also expected that they keep their room tidy, and that they abided by house rules (very basic - no strangers in the house without permission, curfew, no phones etc at the dinner table, etc ... not many rules though, to keep boundaries clear and strict but simple).
4. We were happy to help, but made sure we weren't doormats. Eg: if someone was at a party which was going awry, or their ride had been drinking, of course we'd go pick them up ... but we weren't a taxi service. Similarly, naturally we'd give them a hand with their homework, or putting together their resume and a cover letter, but absolutely was up to them to do it. We might suggest things to encourage or initiate, but it was completely on them to achieve things.
5. Sounds ridiculous, but with a couple of kids, we actually did a star chart. Yes, they were teenagers, but one had a social dysfunction, and the other was very "young" in a lot of ways. But we found the start chart really worked. It was divided into two parts: responsibilities, and behaviour. Responsibilities was their chores, being home on time, and going to school, and they got a star each day they did these things. Behaviour was basically attitude - were they helpful, polite, nice to the other people at home, kept their temper (ie: if something went wrong or they got angry, did they raise the problem without shouting or name calling - obvioulsy there's nothing bad about getting angry, but throwing things and screaming and punching is not the way we deal!) etc. And it was a merit system - there would be consequences when responsibilities weren't fulfilled, and positive reinforcement when behaviour was good. We don't like the idea of "bribing" for good behaviour, but we found that clear boundaries, examples of what was expected, and consistent messages and reinforcement really helped. But there's no way we would have gone down that path with most of our kids!
6. we also did a "house night" once a week, where there would be a time anyone could raise issues they wanted to discuss as a "family" and we'd plan any outings which were coming up, and then play a boardgame or watch a movie together, etc. Again, I found that they were really great for the kids.
7. with one kid who used to leave his crap all over the house, it got to the point where we said that if it didn't stop, we'd be going through the house once a day at 10pm, and any of his crap that was laying about would be confiscated indefinately. So his cans of lynx on the bathroom sink leaving rusty rings, his comb on the coffee table (yuck!) his belt and t-shirt on the back of the couch, his magazine in the toilet, his huge quantities of STIFF everywheter - they would be gone. An overnight mirrace occured, and we never had to follow through on the threat!!
This is my stepdaughter's job list for this year - she is 15 1/2 and has moved back to live with us after being with her mum for 2 years.
GEORGIA’S JOB LIST
DO HOMEWORK AND STUDY
Pack schoolbag
Make bed and clean bedroom
Do the dishes (dry or put away)
Help put dirty clothes in basket
Put lunchbox in sink and schoolbag in room
Make lunches and pack lunchboxes for everyone
Help take clothes off the line
Help sort washing
Put own washing away
Make dinner 1 night a week
Have a shower, brush hair & teeth every day
Baby sit as asked (extra $$$)
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