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In that case show her where the washing machine is and how it works
IF i were you as long as her washing is NOT in washing baskets i'd leave it, let it pile up til she has no clothes and tell her if it's not in the basket it's not getting washed, then say you don't care if she has to wear PJ'to school.
Good idea on getting DH in on it too, your not laying down RULES your discussing as a family how the house should run, keep it simple and just discuss what you expect from her
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This is way harder than I thought, Mum gives me no money for her yet still claims the FTB, she eats me out of house and home, yeah DH makes good money but we cant afford her! Mum put $100 in her account 2 weeks ago and said it was all for my sister, she ended up giving me $50 and mum went off, our shopping bill is now $250 a week, this is insane!
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Well thats not on.
I would tell your Mum that either she contributes to her upkeep or you will be ringing centrelink to let them know the circumstances have changed. Also when they changed so your Mum would possible get into strife for being overpaid.
It does cost alot to try and feed let alone clothe and entertain a teenager and if your Mum is getting paid for the job but not the responsibility then I would be kicking up a stink.
Yes it may cause some grief but you cant feed her on just love!
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Im actually worried about mum dragging B back just for the money, shes doing so well at the new school but you have no idea what our mum is like, i suggested to DH we need to send her home and he doesnt want too coz she will fall back into that trap, but today is the day before grocery day and our cupboards are literally bare, im shopping every 5-6 days
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hmmmm its certainly a hard one isnt it?
When does she turn 16? Dont they get their own benefit then instead of the parents getting FTB?
Can you ring centrelink annomously (sp) and ask for some advice and see what they suggest. Saying that your are concerned that your Mum wont let her stay if there is a chance she will lose her FTB for her, maybe they have a solution for situations like this.
Best of luck and well done on being such a fantastic caring older sister. She may not know it now but she really will appreciate you in a few years
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Having a teen is not cheap. Any chance she can get a part time job to help contribute, it would be good for her to learn the cost of things and also help you. Your mum should also be giving you some child support and directly to you.
BellyBelly Life Subscriber
I agree with Madham. I was working casually at 15. It will give her a sense of responsibility to contribute to the household, rather than just bludging.
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I don't understand... your mum was unhappy that your sister gave you money to contribute? seems a bit poor form to me... I think Feijoa Mum's idea is a good one, contact Centrelink & see what suggestions they have. It is really hard, teenagers aren't cheap & very unfair of your mother to expect that she can still claim FTB for her.
My teenage DD got her first job at 15, it was the best thing ever.. it gave her a bit of her own money, it gave her a sense of responsibility, it helped her understand the difference between spending our money and her own.
In your sister's case if it's a job close to you it might also help give her solid feet nearer to you, and another reason not to go back to her old neighbourhood & crowd.
Even if she does get a job & is able to help out a bit Iwould still be trying to look for some financial asistance elsewhere.
Good luck
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Because our mum is self centred & everythings about her, she cries poor but her designer shoes & Jewllery box will tell you otherwise!
Mahdam i could do with some advice on handling the lazyness & what punsihments, chores etc are suitable for a 15yr old id love it if you can PM me!
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Peanutters list of ideas is awesome!! Some really good stuff on there.
A job for her is a great idea! I loved working when I was 15, I felt way more grown up and responsible.
good luck!
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RD i have done the whole confiscated everything and it got to the point all she had in her room was her bed and clothes, no phone, no ipod, laptop etc but it doesnt work with her. I think it was the well i haven't got anything else to lose so who cares attitude.
I once asked LuLu advice last year as i had been reading through her post about her daughter, she had some great advice and helped me ever so much. Do your self a favour and have a look through and read her blog about Belle. I changed my entire outlook on dealing with DD, and to be honest you need to look at this whole situation through her eyes, its a tough time for her and its hard enough being a teen with all the emotions and body changes but then to be moved to a new town where you dont know anyone, it would be a huge change for her. I think maybe if you try treating her in some ways like and adult, even to the extent of having a girls day with her, this was a suggestion form Lulu that really helped my relationship with DD, we have a night once every few weeks where we either go to the movies or dinner, next week i am taking her to get her nails done. Its difficult to find that connection if you are always at each others throats, i now say to DD if she hasnt done what it expected of her " you know that's not really fair that you havent eg hung the washing out as we agreed this is one of your chores" and you know what 9/10 she goes and does it. DD is no angel we have setbacks and usually they around AF time but i cut her some slack as most of the time she is ok.
This weekend she has a birthday party she is invited to and i have said i wanted all her jobs done by friday (tomorrow) or she wont be attending, last night she did the majority and only has a general tidy up to do.
I also think the way you approach the subject with a teen has alot to do with there actions. DH goes at it like a bull at a gate and it doesnt work, i find if i sit and talk about it with her no raised voices etc we can come to an agreement. Sorry if i waffled on a bit.
Good luck having a teen is not easy.
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Call centerlink.
If for no other reason than saving your mum the debt she is incurring.
What about austudy does she qualify for that? There might be payments etc that you don't know about that she could be entitled to
Eta: I can't help with the rest. We didn't have chores growing up other than cleaning our bedrooms which was a constant fail for me. I didn't see the point packing things away just to get them all back out again.
We also weren't allowed to get part time jobs.
Can you see im dreading the boys getting older, I have no idea.
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Really good post from Madham, I agree that how you approach things has a lot to do with how it goes. Panda isn't a lot of fun near AF time either but hey, neither am I ... I have found that trying her perspective on is a huge help
From the POV of what is expected of her....not so much these days, she is working, plus doing year 11 at High School and a course at Tafe as well, so she is pretty busy. But if she has time and it's been a while I will ask for her help.
It was her birthday last week & she had friends over Friday night, so she tidied upstairs & cleaned the bathroom.
And, as with a lot of things, it's best to pick your battles. She despises doing dishes so when we can we compromise - she hangs out washing or sweeps & mops or whatever.
If she wants me to take her somewhere I might ask her to help me get X,Y & Z done before we go.
There isn't really anything she [i][can't] do... she can clean bathrooms, sweep, mop, load / hang / sort washing... it's just down to what we need. Once when I was pushed for time, I dropped her at the supermarket & she started the groceries for me.
Before she was working we had a list of jobs we agreed that she would do each week, I actually find it easier to just ask when I need her help, because I was constantly nagging - when I just say 'would you mind...' it works better - but you need to find the approach that works for you guys.
Punishments - we don't need so much these days. There are things that she would get a straightout grounding for, but she doesn't do them (now) For not helping out, it's a case of you get what you give. If you help me, I'll help you / drive you / give you $5 for lunch etc. If you aren't contributing, then you can't expect any benefits.
HTH
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I would be calling CL
My SIL did the same kind of thing to her sister, sent the kid packing but still claimed any money.
If your mum did try to drag her back surely your sister can say no at her age?
I agree that if she wants her clothes done a certain way or by a certain time that she can wash them herself.
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one of our cherubs didn't respond in the slightest to consequences like removal of privelleges or grounding etc, so we used essays.
Not anything too arduous - but we'd give her a topic and she had to write 200 words on it.
Sometimes it would be something like "eating healthy" or "alchohol" and other times it was random things like "umbrellas" or "clothes tags".
She could hand write them or type it on the dinosaur (a PC so old it *couldn't* be connected to the internet!) and she could do it as quickly or slowly as she liked, but she was to sit and not move until it was done.
Occasionally I'd print her out a little material to help (eg: if it was about Martin Luther King etc) but normally, she had to do it all by herself.
And it worked wonders.
When she'd matured and calmed down a tad, she occasionally would ask me to set her a topic without being naughty ...
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Love it.RD - I moved in with my two older sisters at age 15, and while the situation was a bit different - they were 19 and 23 at the time with no children- there was some similar situations to what you are going through. I found things got really tense really quickly because I *was* 15 and did nothing around the house at all. I had no concept of what it was like to work all day (or look after kids etc) and then come home to a teenager who'd gotten home from school and spent the last 3 hours laying on the couch (or in this day and age, on the internet, FB etc). We quickly had to sit down and sort out a system which worked for us all. They were the same as you, they understood that I was only a teenager and needed to be afforded some leeway, but I also needed to learn to help. The best system that worked for us was particular jobs were written on the whiteboard for me to do that week - such as take out the bins, vacuum, bring in any dry washing - and I had to do those jobs during the week. They would also occasionally ask me to peel vegies for tea etc. It was nothing massive, so I couldn't even use the 'I've got homework' excuse and it was never more than friends who still lived at home did.
I was hopeless at leaving clothes all over the place and was told repeatedly to pick them
up - which I didn't. Then it got to the point where I was told I was responsible for my own washing - cue drama when I ran out of clean clothes. I also remember an eposide where I didn't hang out my wet washing after being told, so my sisters left it in the washing basket.. Wet jeans in a hot laundry for a week = mould. Yes , I learnt my lesson there!
Looking back I felt that I really did need some form of routine and guidance and felt so much more stable when we had it. And yes, there was times when it was World War 3 - we were sisters after all, but other times it was great. They also found that being a teenager, I would bottle things up so they needed to make themselves really accessible to talk too, and look out for signs when I was going to have a typical teenage meltdown.
And now years later, we are best friends and super,super close. And they always laugh their heads off over how obsessive I am with keeping my house clean, and how I love to cook etc. Good luck!
Our house is the same poor boy has no clean undies and I haven't seen any dirty clothes in weeks, he washes them himself now.
We have set very firm boundaries and yes there are consequences.
No internet or conversations on phone while out and at the kitchen table unless he's dying or someone at the table is dying or he's lost. The phone stays at on the bench at all times unless it's an emergancy. And no phone after 8pm or else. I havn't thought of the or else as yet but he dosn't know that.
He has to help around the house. No helping no pocket money or no helping no sport this week, he gets to decide this. I should say he is very attatched to both.
I couldn't stand my sister living with me but have had an ex younger brother live with us and that was hard. But again boundaries and consequence.
As for FTB hm........ I think I might ring and have a chat to them. Inform them your sister is now living with you and see if she/you are entitled to anything else.
Good luck. Teenagers are not easy and I only have a 13 year old not a 15 year old. I'm just trying to survive his puberty.
Last edited by fromscratch; May 15th, 2011 at 12:05 AM.
BellyBelly Life Member - Love all your MCN friends
exactly, you are NOT the big bad wolf, you're just the one saying what needs to be said.
i actually think if a person is clever enough to operate all these other electrical gadgets in current life (that teens tend to), they must be clever enough to manage to work a washing machine. It's an important life skill, if no-one teaches you how to do laundry, when it IS your responsibility solely, you ruin clothes and have hassles.
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My sister moved in with us when she was 12, and not because she was having a hard time (my mum was a single parent and died) so it was a little easier for us. But I still struggled. It's hard raising a teen that hasn't been moulded into your family habits from birth. And it's hard putting the mum hat on when dealing with your sister.
As for a chore chart I sat us all down and said "I'm not coping. I feel like we're not all working together and the house is becoming a mess". We made a 4 week chore roster that rotated some jobs and it was for ALL of us. We were all equally involved in discussing who did what jobs, what amount of work was fair etc. I was mindful to make her busy teenage life sound like hard work and say "do you think you could fit in xyz on the weekend?"and things like that. I empathised that she still needed homework and leisure time.
As for family time, my sister and I started walking the dog together when I got home from work. We both really enjoyed and benefited from the time together. I also made Friday take-away night and we would sit at the table, chat and play the "week" game. Warning, I made it up and it's uber daggy LOL we would say "Saturday" and go around the table with each person having to say one thing they did on that day. As we worked through the days of the week it helped us talk and reflect on what had happened and touch base on things we might have beentoo busy to do at the time.
Goodluck. You're doing an amazing job
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