My Teen Daughter Is In Boarding School And It's Great... (I'm almost ashamed to say).

[willow5]

LOL funny how sure we are of what kind of parent we think we're going to be...until we are one
I had an uncle who went to boarding school and loved it! So much that his 13yr old son has started at the same school this year and was very excited to do so.
You've done what you feel is best for your DD and it seems to have worked, Well done I would think it was a very hard decision to make, but it's proved to be the right one

My 13yr old brother has been refusing to go to school on and off for the past 12months and my dad's now looking into boarding school, although my brother is dead against it and they don't know how they'll get him there if he refuses to go

[Toomanytoomany]

Bathsheba we had similar issues with dd#2 and if I could have afforded to send her off to boarding school, I would have, in a heart beat. As it was, we had to just tough it out at home.

I'm glad your dd is settling in well. Do you worry about her escaping on little night adventures where she is?

[Bathsheba]

Escaping? LOL no chance! The school rang us last Friday to get verbal permission to let DD stay the night with my sister and her family... even though the staff have met her (sis)! Every time a student leaves the grounds it's a sign-in sign-out affair. There are at least 2 dormitory staff on duty at all times and even if she did escape the locals have been known to ring the school and ask why a student is doing this or that and does it have the schools' endorsement. My cousin who went through this school went with 3 other year 11 girls in a taxi to the boys school one night... the driver thought it was a bit odd so rang the school to check if that was ok... it wasn't and the girls were suspended for a week (sent home). They didn't do that again. My cousin loved going to the school and the last thing she wanted, at the end of the day, was to be expelled.

Update: Things have been going well. DD went through a phase of being friends with some year 9 girls (the year below her) who were known to push boundaries but it seems as if she has grown tired of them. The year 10 co-ordinator rang us and reported back to us that DD is doing very well in class. Unlike at her old school where DD had totally disengaged from actual learning she seems to have had a change of heart at her new school. It seems that down here in Vic the curriculum was ahead of the NSW one where is she... and for once in her life has found herself at the top of the class! She seems to be capitalising on this thankfully.

Next month we are going to fly her home for the school holidays... how time has flown!!!

Toomany: Hope your DD#2 has settled down now... everyone says years 9 - 10 at school are the rough ones for girls...

[fionas]

I tell ya what Bath, after the weekend we've had with DSD, I started looking into boarding schools myself last night too! Seriously. Not sure I will be able to cope with more DSD dramas on top of health problems, newborn and toddler.

It's great to hear that it's working out so well for DD and the rest of the family too.

[Toomanytoomany]

It sounds like a fantastic school, Bath. And yes, year nine is the PITS. I hate it. I am so not looking forward to it with #3. I can't quite figure out why that year is just so bad. I suppose the hormones and competing interests (boys/parents/school/puberty) are at their height there, they are experiencing such adult emotions and yet completely lack the maturity to deal with them.

My dd2 is getting there. She dropped out of school for a while but has gone back and is completing year 12 this year. She still has a few issues but is doing well mostly, and I really enjoy her company. In fact, she's one of my favourite people to hang out with, and if someone had told me three years ago I'd be saying that, I'd have laughed in their face!

[Toomanytoomany]

I tell ya what Bath, after the weekend we've had with DSD, I started looking into boarding schools myself last night too! Seriously. Not sure I will be able to cope with more DSD dramas on top of health problems, newborn and toddler.

It's great to hear that it's working out so well for DD and the rest of the family too.

What's she been up to, Fiona?

[mrsmac]

I think we make so many parenting decisions in our minds in advance then have to change once it becomes a reality! I know I have.
You have made the best decision possible and based it on love for your DD and the desire for her to have the best possible life which is unselfish and sadly obviously being made difficult by family.
I applaud your honesty in this thread as its very easy for people to judge when they haven't had teenagers!!
Its nice to have other people admit how dam hard it is sometimes cause its often a lonely road.

[Persephone1]

Bath,

I went to Uni in Armidale, NSW, which is known for it's quality boarding schools. In my experience, the schools are very much part of the community and the kids are given a varied, and supported education. A lot of the kids were country kids, but there were heaps of kids from the city whose parents knew that city schools weren't able to provide the education they wanted. I think your daughter will grow into a wonderful, strong, well-adjusted young woman, and some of that will come from her experiences at boarding school.

I hope things continue to be positive! GL!

[Bathsheba]

Thanks so much girls Just a brief update... have to go out soon... but we spoke to her last night and she sounded great. She already sounds a bit different... is speaking in longer sentences, offering more insight, more positive outlook... speaking more slowly and clearly.

Fiona: yes it was a tricky combination sometimes: having a volatile teen in the house with my much younger boys. When DH and DD clashed it got quite heated sometimes and this really upset my sensitive 6yo especially. If anything this little break has helped to calm everything down so that DH and I have a bit of clarity to think about the future. During this time DH has made some amazing decisions (which i had already decided on) which i never thought he would come to, mainly that simplifying our lives a bit more by moving back to my rural hometown is actually in the best interests of everyone, himself included. Previous to this he was hell bent on staying in the city and isolated. I really hope your tree change has a similar calming effect!

Toomany: well so far so good regarding this school... put it this way; she hasn't asked to leave! It must have something going for it. Like I said, my cousin played up a bit but at the end of the day she certainly didn't want to leave or be expelled... probably a bit like Harry Potter and Hogwarts! I guess kids are designed to push boundaries... DH and I were at the end of our capacity to deal with it and it's humbling to admit that someone else has to take over! There I was thinking i had child psychology sorted LOL the saying "pride cometh before the fall" is so true! I know though that DD is a great person underneath her angst... and I too am confident that one day I too am just going to be so proud of her and really start to enjoy her company again... and just as importantly maybe she will enjoy mine!!!

Mrsmac: thanks for your understanding and vote of confidence! So true! Everything you think you know about parenting is always challenged isn't it!? The hard part is finding the right support to back up your family values when they stop listening to you! I'm so grateful to the family in my hometown for stepping forward and offereing to help... DH's family down here in Vic are a bit surprised that it has worked out so smoothly... I think they are almost eating their words... not that that's my aim.


Persephone: yes! The schools at Armidale were our backup plan! It's so good to hear that you had a positive impression of those schools... yes, country boarding schools do really seem to have great integration into the community. I really do think that a country lifestyle will balance my children's education for the better Thanks again

[fionas]

What's she been up to, Fiona?

Ahhhh TM, TM - how long have you got? Sorry to crash your thread Bath but it seems appropriate to put it here anyway so that people understand how teenagers behave sometimes and why a boarding school can be a blessing.

I don't know how to make this short.

We need a bigger house. Last year I spent the best part of six months looking at all our options so that DSD could continue going to the same school (or within a short commute). This would have financially been a stupid decision. Either I would have had to have gone back to work full-time soon after this baby is born OR we would have had to have paid approx $20K more in rent between what we could rent this house out for and what we'd need to pay in extra rent. Now, the idiot that I am, I was seriously considering doing this because I think DSD has had enough change in her life. DSD was fully aware throughout this time that I was tearing my hair trying to find somewhere suitable that would allow her to continue at the same school. She then came home with a report with all Fs, barely any homework been finished in months. At that point, DP and I decided to move somewhere that would suit us better and stop revolving the decision around DSD who clearly wasn't taking her schooling seriously. So we chose Woodend. It means we will be mortgage-free so I can return to work when I choose and potentially spend a few years home with my little ones, I can learn to drive (which I'm not prepared to do in the city) and we will have a BIG backyard for DD1 who needs space to run around. Much better lifestyle except for DSD who will be moving from the city to the country and away from her friends.

Now of course I understand that she is not going to be happy about this. But I think she seriously thinks she's really hard done by and we should have stayed in Melbourne just for her sake. There's one thing being unhappy about a decision and quite another making out we are awful, selfish parents who should be putting her needs first. Reality check needed. If she'd only put in a little effort we would have bent over BACKWARDS to stay in Melbourne and we've told her this.

Anyhow, after getting mostly Fs last year, she now starts VCE. Resolves to pull up her socks. Tells anyone and everyone about how she is really motivated, knows it's really important, knows she can't afford to stuff up.

We found out last week that since February she's had 39 absences from class. Mostly getting out of class to go and see Student Wellbeing who apparently are a bit sick of her because they think she's a drama queen and is using them as an excuse to get out of class. I should say at this point that knowing that we would be facing a difficult period ahead, we saw a family counsellor earlier this year but DSD has said she doesn't want to continue. Basically, she would rather see Student Wellbeing because it gets her out of class than go and see a family counsellor after school in her own time.

Anyway, after we found out about the absences, there were more promises about trying harder, yes she knows how important it is. Things will be different now because she's really determined to study chinese medicine and she knows she will have to finish VCE for that. The very next day she took the entire day off school.

DP found out, called her and told her not to hurry home. He had planned to take her out for dinner.

She has used the 'not hurry home' line as an excuse to tell all her friends that she's been kicked out of home and stay out the entire weekend partying. Didn't answer her phone when DP tried to call. Because it suited her down to the ground to manipulate his words and pretend she was scared to come home.

Then when she'd tired of staying with friends and with school the next day, she rang her mum in the states, telling a sob story about how she'd been kicked out - basically so her mum could then soften us up to allow her back with no consequences. DP and DSD were texting on Sunday during which time he told her no more getting out of class to go to Student Wellbeing (welcome to do it in lunchtime, just not in class time) and offering to pick her up. Text back "not interested, I'll c u when I c u". Then abusive texts about how I should get a nose job and orthodontics now that I'm a wealthy woman (we'd sold the house that weekend).

Monday - took the whole day off school again.

Monday night - we confronted her. More crap about how she'd "made a pact with herself that Friday would be her last day off". Erm ... so why then take Monday off too? Admitted she’d been lying for weeks about having free periods first thing (so she could lie in). No remorse, just said, “yep, I lied,” with a smug look (it’s the smugness that kills me). So then we explained why were confiscating her phone. All hell broke loose. Again looked me in the eye when I asked her where it was and said, “it’s not here” even though she’d called us on it five minutes previously. We found it and it’s been taken off her. It’s the only thing that provoked any reaction from her because it’s the only thing she cares about.

I should also say at this point, that DP and I have told her many times that some kids just don’t like/excel at school and that there ARE other options. We are not pressuring her to finish VCE or to get good grades. The only thing we pressure her to do is to actually GO to class. She keeps telling us that she wants to finish VCE but her actions don’t. Then she manipulates what we’ve said about other options and tells people that we don’t think she’s smart enough to go to college and we’re not very supportive!!!!

And that novel is actually the short version of how she’s been behaving the last few months. Basically her way of operating is to lie and then manipulate.

DP and I have basically spent the last four days talking about where to go from here and I haven’t even had chance to bloody celebrate selling the house!!!

Not to worry, we have a plan.

[Pandora]

Fionas: Where will she go to school (assuming shes going to try to do VCE, which she might have to start over with that many absences cos theres an attendance requirement), Braemar? Or will you send her to school further out? Victoria is seriously lacking in boarding schools compared with other states.

Bath: It sounds like the decions you made while hard is really turning out have provide the best possible outcome you could have hoped for. I truly hope that it does