Cass I just want to say what a big heart you have for choosing to help your family in this way...
It's not easy parenting a 14yo. I have a 13yo daughter - & it's a challenge! She receives a $30 phone card a month and $20 spending money/month. In order to receive it she has to finish her alloted chores without needing to be reminded. She only failed to do that once!
What I have learned is that you need to remain calm and act with love and dignity at all times. Always speak more quietly than is needed - it somehow deflates a situation - the listener has to listen more to hear iykwim.
I don't use punishment - it's my opinion that consequences work better. Having a family meeting and asking the children or child to decide an appropriate consequence to an action has more effect.
For example my daughter decided that an appropriate consequence to not unpacking the dishwasher would be for me to not do one of my jobs - she decided the job would be that I would not drive her to swimming.... Mmmm that was interesting but I thought it was similar in that both were acts of service to the family. As I said she only did it once.
Also one of the rules is that her mobile phone is kept on top of the piano from 7pm - so there is no late night texting and phone calls. She decided an appropriate action for this would be that she woud not have access to her phone for 48 hours.
So maybe this would help with your brother. Firm boundaries that he has set. I have learnt that it is of little benefit and becomes arbitary and reactionary if we dole out punishment. But if an action has an agreed consequence it takes the "punishment" feel out of it. It also helps set him up for life. In life if you steal money - nobody trusts you so put to him "what would be an appropriate reaction". "Would it be fair to withhold allowance money"? "Would it be fair for you to need to do more jobs in order to "work it off"?????. At first he will need help with coming to appropriate consequences but with your help he will get it.
Big to you. Joshua came back to live with us after he and his dad had yet another HUGE fight and Joshua called his dad's bluff to send him here. He was continuously arguing at home and was having issues with everything.
So, first step for us was to sit down and go through what both parties wanted to get from the other... so what we wanted from him and what he wanted from us. He's been fairly good for the mostpart, however still having some lying issues at times, but overall pretty good. He was old enough to get a p/t job so we told him he had to do that and he doesn't get pocket money. We did this so that the consequences of not working would be from someone else... big work world type of thing. He's doing pretty well I think. The only jobs he is asked to do are "family" jobs, so those that are part of being a family and even then we haven't asked much. The reason being is we didn't want to be pushy and re-ignite any problems that he was bringing with him from his dad's if that makes sense ... in saying that he's not expected to do nothing. He does help with Oskar a little too like if I want a shower or something.
So, overall our list of what we expect from him is honesty, show us we can trust him and respect.... which he will get in return. He still lies sometimes but I've told him he'll get in more trouble lying then being honest. I did catch him smoking, didn't yell or anything because that to me wasn't going to help. He knows the good, bad and ugly about it and really bottom line, it's his decision, no matter if I rant and rave he'll do it if he wants to IYKWIM. He knows we don't condone it and it's not to be done in our house. He's opened up a lot more and does come and tell me things from time to time.
Deb, I really love your ideas and am actually going to take on board the "punishment" one.
Anyway, don't know if any of that will help you or if I've kinda just raved on a bit. Good luck and good on you for helping your brother. Oh and if he's 14 yrs 9 months he can get a p/t job too On the bus thing, if it's near your house I'd let him go from day one. I drove Joshua the way the bus would take him and showed him where it stops to pick him up and drop him off and he's been fine, I was a little nervous to start with but all is good. Apparently they can cop a bit being the new kid with "mummy" dropping them off...lol. Up to you though, maybe talk to him and see how he feels?
Hey thanks all
Got him last night and we had a big chat in the car. Just to reassure him hes not down here because hes in trouble we're just trying to do right by him and help him get away from his group of friends...
he's made a promise hes not going to lye, steal, wag... sofingers crossed we have a good bro
Hope all goes well for you Cass. Just still keep an eye on the lying etc though, they can be hard habits to break and I do pull Joshua up on them and remind him that we had an agreement no lying and to have open communication. Also, temptation out of the way.... remove wallets etc to places he can't/won't get them - I still do this cos Joshua used to take money from his dad and step mum too. Other than that all I can say is that not riding them all the time seems to go a long way
He's my brother... Not my nephew! Don't have any of them yet... hehe! Thank you!
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On the bus thing, if it's near your house I'd let him go from day one. I drove Joshua the way the bus would take him and showed him where it stops to pick him up and drop him off and he's been fine, I was a little nervous to start with but all is good. Apparently they can cop a bit being the new kid with "mummy" dropping them off...lol. Up to you though, maybe talk to him and see how he feels?
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