I'm sick & tired of having a battle getting the kids to do anything around here. Especially DD1. I feel like I am forever making excuses for her, to DH & to her brothers (and to myself!) - she works, she studies, she's busy yadda yadda.
But the truth is she does very little to help out around here.
So yesterday I had a full 8.5 hour day at work in front of me, I wasn't going to be home until 6ish. I spoke to the three older kids before I went to work and gave them specific instructions for when they got home of things I wanted done (nothing huge, one or two jobs each).
I got home and yep you guessed it. Nothing had been done, not a thing, zip zilch nada. DS1 was on the couch reading a book & DD1 was upstairs asleep. So I wigged out a bit.
DS1 got up & helped out, not quite what I had asked him to do but he made an attempt. DD1 got all huffy, sulked upstairs for a bit & then went to a friends house to study.
She got home and I tried talking to her and got nowhere. So I said fine - if she can't help out around here, she can't expect anything in return. I won't be doing anything for her - including driving her around. And that includes TAFE today. (She is in year11 but does one day a week at TAFE doing an arts course, I drive her to & from the train each day).
She got up this morning & woke me up, asking when could we leave... I said I was serious. If she wants to treat the house like a hotel she will be treated like a hotel guest. I'm not taking her. She can get a bus to the station.
Now I'm feeling bad... I don't think missing one day of TAFE is going to ruin anything but she really should go. I just don't know how else to get through to her that I have had enough and am serious.
Keep your word and include folding clothes, lunches, etc. We also have this problem and if clothes are left in the bathroon I just pick them up and throw them in her room. I will sometimes wash her clothes if they are in the laundry otherwise she has to do her own.
I agree with not taking them anywhere unless they have done as requested.
Get a whiteboard, maybe on the fridge and write their jobs on there so there is no excuses. With the holidays coming no helping around the house during the day unless they are working then no meal cooked for them.
It is hard but it is a lesson I learnt a bit late. Yes, we are not a hotel but a working household. This also includes parents who are at home full time and working to keep the house clean.
I think it's a great approach - work together to keep the house running, or look after to yourself. Rivlas point about extending it to washing, food etc is also good.
FWIW I dread the day that I have to parent teenagers!
Fleur, I don't have teenagers yet, but I just wanted to reassure you that you don't sound like you're being unreasonable.
Even my DD, who is 5, is expected to put all of her dirty clothes in the wash basket before they get washed, and in the mornings, make her bed, tidy her room and do her reader before I will do her hair and take her to school. If she's late, it's because she hasn't finished what I expect to have the house in order for the day. I refuse to leave until she is done. Now I probably sound nasty!
i don't have a teenager but i think you've handled it really well - you stuck to your guns & put the responsibility back onto her. how did she take it when you said you weren't driving her to the station?
i don't think you're asking too much of the 3 older kids - you have work as well as home life to keep organised & you should be able to expect some help. you're also demonstrating that there are consequences for not helping & that's the really good thing - it shows that you mean it & it's not just words. did your DD1 have a reason why she hadn't done her part?
anyways, wishing you lots of luck & you're definitely not being nasty!
Good on you stick with it. I think you are doing a great thing sometimes they need that reality check to wake up to themselves. They don't see all that is done for them, so taking it away is a good way for them to realise.
Well, she's gone to school. But she's not speaking to me. So now it's going to be a case of, who can stay mad the longest...and I usually lose these things because I'm not very good at staying angry, lol.
Not that I'm raging angry anymore, but I find it so much easier to stick to my guns when I'm angry.
Sloane, her excuse was that she was asleep and "I can't just get up and do jobs while I'm sleepwalking, can I?" and also that she forgot what I had asked her to do.
So she's angry because I got angry when she had just woken up. I guess I was supposed to wait until she had been up for a while.
Jennifer you don't sound nasty, you sound smart! I am thinking I should have put my (both) feet down a long time ago.
Heh, let her be mad - just go about your general business as though nothing out of the ordinary has happened. She'll get over it sooner or later, especially if you keep on with setting each member of the family certain tasks and make them take responsibility for whether they're done or not. The whiteboard idea is a very good one, or even just a list on the fridge or something - my aunt had the list on the kitchen bench for myself and my cousins (3 teenage girls in the house all with a horrendous amount of activities to keep track of - calendars are a godsend) and barring extenuating circumstances like illness or injury it was up to us to sort ourselves out.
Fluer they are all excuses I personally remember making to mother, and dished up with attitude as well. You don't need to stay angry, just stand by what you've said, it's not unreasonable at all to expect give and take. It's our job to give them tools to help them in the real world. She's not going to get far in the real world if she behaves that way is she, and you deserve more respect than that! I still do this sometimes with my 17yr old and it works, for a while anyway Some of that teenage attitude and selfishness just needs to be grown out of. You're doing great!
I obviously don't have teenagers but I think the action-consequence lesson is one they have to relearn. You don't have to stay angry to stick to your guns. Just have the rules stated clearly so there's no misunderstanding and stick to them. If she wanted to have a sleep, she should have done her chores before she had a nap.
The whiteboard is a great idea. Include the chore and when it needs to be done by. Ie, potatoes peeled by 6pm. It doesn't really matter if they get their chores done hours early or just before you get home, so long as they're done. I also think they need to be taught a minimum standard. Ie, tidy your room does not mean chuck your clothes in the wardrobe. It's not ok to throw a load of washing on then leave in the washing machine so long they start to smell.
None of this needs to be done in anger. Strong boundaries are good for kids, especially when they act up. If you're calm and collected about it even when enforcing the rules, then not only are you modeling good emotional management, you remove the "personal" from things. It's not you being a meany (even if you feel that way inside), it's them copping the consequences of their actions. If your DD wants to sulk about it, that's her choice but she can sulk on her own time and in her own room. Meanwhile, here's a list of things to get done to support this household and a time to have them done by.
Remember, the teenage brain is going through another development stage, like toddlers. They actually lose capacity for empathy and compassion. They really do only see themselves at times. I know I used to be the centre of the universe and felt hard done by
Fleur, the fact that you do get some help from your other kids makes me think you should just stick to your guns, or maybe negotiate with her as to what she thinks is reasonable and whether this would satisfy you. So no need for either of you to stay angry, but instead reach an agreement.
Please stick to your guns! My sister SCREAMS at my mum to get her clothes and towel when she goes for a shower .... She's 23!! A similar episode happened when she was going to TAFE so my sister called 000 and told the lady she needed to go home. The operator told my sister that it's is not an emergency and she needed to find another way home. My sister yelled at her IT IS AN EMERGENCY I have to be home to watch Buffy (or whatever was on tv) ... Yeah stupid b**** ...
But yes, please stick to your guns or she might end up expecting you to wipe her bum!
Teenager vent (and advice welcome too)
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I think it's a great approach - work together to keep the house running, or look after to yourself. Rivlas point about extending it to washing, food etc is also good.
Some of that teenage attitude and selfishness just needs to be grown out of. You're doing great!
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