I obviously don't have teenagers but I think the action-consequence lesson is one they have to relearn. You don't have to stay angry to stick to your guns. Just have the rules stated clearly so there's no misunderstanding and stick to them. If she wanted to have a sleep, she should have done her chores before she had a nap.
The whiteboard is a great idea. Include the chore and when it needs to be done by. Ie, potatoes peeled by 6pm. It doesn't really matter if they get their chores done hours early or just before you get home, so long as they're done. I also think they need to be taught a minimum standard. Ie, tidy your room does not mean chuck your clothes in the wardrobe. It's not ok to throw a load of washing on then leave in the washing machine so long they start to smell.
None of this needs to be done in anger. Strong boundaries are good for kids, especially when they act up. If you're calm and collected about it even when enforcing the rules, then not only are you modeling good emotional management, you remove the "personal" from things. It's not you being a meany (even if you feel that way inside), it's them copping the consequences of their actions. If your DD wants to sulk about it, that's her choice but she can sulk on her own time and in her own room. Meanwhile, here's a list of things to get done to support this household and a time to have them done by.
Remember, the teenage brain is going through another development stage, like toddlers. They actually lose capacity for empathy and compassion. They really do only see themselves at times. I know I used to be the centre of the universe and felt hard done by
She can be as angry as she likes, it doesn't change the fact that there are things she needs to do, and you don't do her any favors when you give in. My DD is 13 so we haven't hit the hard core moody judy's yet, but I like to use language that turns it back on being something that she needs to do. Like, "This is a valuable life skill" and "This is a part of basic self-maintenance that every person has to do". I also don't buy the "I forgot" excuse either. Thinking and planning around basic self-maintenance tasks (and yes that includes making sure your home and clothes are clean and your library books are returned) is something that every successful person does without making a fuss about it.
I don't think that it sounds unreasonable at all, good on you for sticking to your guns.
Your DD sounds very much like my DS (15) who will quite happily take advantage of my soft disposition. I have had to crack down and get a lot harder on him.
I don't think it is unfair to ask them to help around the house in fact I think as parent we do them an injustice if we don't...they need to learn that not everything is automatically done for them.
I used to hear the same excuse from my DSD's... 'oh sorry, I forgot'... oh how I have learnt to detest that empty apology!!
So now, if they are at home while I'm at work and I need things done, I write a list.
S - today you need to do at least 2 x loads of washing, hang out all washing, take off when dry. Fold all clothes.
T - today you need to fold the towels, empty the recycle bin, take out the rubbish.
When I get home, I'll go through the list with them. If it's not done, they do it then and there and let me know when it's done. In the mean time, there is no phone / internet / tv.
I completely agree with what you've done. It can't be one-sided. It's not fair. It is hard to stick to your guns, but it will definitely be a great lesson for her to learn. And it doesn't have to be done in anger, just keep calm and carry on about your day.
I like what Marydean has said too - these are basic life lessons you are teaching her. It's not a punishment, it's basic self-maintenance.
Thank you, thank you everyone. Some awesome advice there that I will be taking on board.
She came home & went straight upstairs to sleep. I let her go, and we will talk when things have cooled off a bit (it will take her a while to settle, and it will give me a chance to think about what we can do).
I think we as a family need a bit more routine. I have been feeling a need for routine (almost ritual in some instances) myself. So we might all benefit from that.
I don't work Tuesdays & Thursdays. I would be happy if she agreed to one specific chore on the days I am at work (provided she's not at work of course), it doesn't take much to make a big difference when I walk in the door. And the boys can do the same.
I am a big softie, and I know it doesn't do them any favours. Time to toughen up a bit
We had a talk and I told all three of the older kids, the days when I work is when I need the most from them. And I don't need much just a bit.
So on the afternoons I am working, DD1 & DS2 will tidy up downstairs & pick up anything lying around. DD1 will sweep, DS2 will take out the rubbish & bring down the washing. DS1 will tidy the kitchen, do any dishes. On Wednesdays DD1 will also mop.
It's all stuff they've done a thousand times, not hard & won't take forever but will make a huge difference to me when I walk in the door at 6pm. The hardest part will be, they really need to also just pick up after themelves & not leave crap lying around.
Oh and DD1 has to at least tidy the bathroom on weekends. It's pretty feral.
I do have a whiteboard that I used to write shopping lists. So yesterday morning before I left for work I wrote their jobs up there. No excuses for forgetting
If it doesn't get done, the two boys will have to catch it up on teh afternoons that I am home. DD1 will be left to her own washing, cooking etc.
We'll see how it goes.
Thanks for all the advice and for letting me vent
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