I feel the Grief will never end

[Mel1977]

Aunty M - I am so sorry to read about your precious son Yeti, what a special name you gave him As the other girls have said what you are feeling is 100% normal, everytime I read of another Mummys pain from losing their child it echoes my own thoughts and feeings. Although in saying that we do all experience these emotions at a different rate and in a different way (if that makes sense).

I also lost my son, at 36w1d in September last year. I have grieved a little differently to what I have heard from most. After the loss of my son, while I didnt ignore his death and I cried every day, I through myself back into life, before his funeral I went on a shopping mission to buy him a little outfit and teddy bear to go in his coffin with him. My DH and I went to dinner and the movies alot. I went back to work after 4 weeks and I was coping fine, still crying but other than that appeared to be coping well. Everyone commented on how well I was doing. I kept my grief hidden by my determination to TTC and worried about everyone around me and what they were going through. After a while I started to get very angry at the people who felt I should be "better" now, and in alot of ways I still carry that anger around now but I am trying to let it go. As the months continued to go by I deteriorated greatly, I could barely get through a day at work without crying. That was when I could get myself out of bed. I started taking my emotions out on everyone around me, my DH, my mum. I do believe what has contributed to this is our inability to conceive. Eventually with the help of my sister I realised something was not right. I went to the dr and was told I had PND and put on anti-depressants. I felt like such a failure! But after I started these I was a new person. Although I will never be the Mel I once was, I at least started to resemble that person. I still felt the pain of losing Nicholas but I was able to cope with the pain. I have just weaned myself off the anti-depressants but I realise it is only a trial, but I am willing to give it a go because I do not want to be dependant on them long term. I was told by my dr that when I said I didnt want to be on them that PND is an imbalance of hormones and coupled with the grief it is so much more than my head can cope with. He said they will balance out the hormones allowing me to see more clearly and more logically and I have to say that they did. As I said I still have my days of depression - yesterday being one of them. But the depression is more sadness rather than "bad" thoughts if you know what I mean. I think the reason I was able to cope in those early months is because I was, as you said, numb. I felt so many things that it all just mixed together and I ended up not knowing what I felt - which is numbing.

Please dont think that I am in any way trying to tell you to go out and get some meds, I am not saying that at all. But just dont feel you are a failure or anything of the sort if it comes to this. I would not necessarily be a long term thing. I felt so ashamed of the fact I was on meds that I didnt even mention is in the TTC thread for a couple of months because I thought I would have been judged. Stupid thought though, they are the most supportive women I have known. I agree that numbness feels better than the alternative, but the problem with always feeling numb means that you are just not feeling. And if you are not feeling you cannot work through your grief, it is a long road. I am still trying to figure out how to do it 9 months later, now I just try to take each day as it comes and hope for the best.

If you feel comfortable come and join us in the TTC thread. Not everyone was TTC when they joined, in fact most werent. But you will gain so much support from us all. As Spring said, without BB I would have lost my mind. I do have a supportive family who still feel the pain of Nicholas' death but it is just somehow different to communicate with women who understand you and what you feel. If you want to post or even just lurk for a while, this is the link: TTC after Stillbirth/ Recurrent Miscarriage or Loss after 1st Trimester June 07 #2

I am sorry this has ended up being really long and it wasnt my intention, I just wanted to put another spin on the grieving pattern. And can I say once more I am not in any way trying to encourage anti-depressants.

Huge :hugs: for you and I hope you can find the support here that I have over all of these months.

Love Mel