I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter, Phoebe. I read your post and have sat here crying with pain and anger as I know the pain you are going through and I am angry that another family must now travel this painful path that I too am on. Your pain feels so close to my heart, as I lost my first baby, my precious, perfect Cooper at 37 weeks to a cord accident last November. The pain is still so raw for me and it just broke my heart to hear that someone else is going through the same pain. A cord accident, they say is rare but numbers and statistics mean nothing to us now. The cord that is supposed to give our babies life, took it. Why me? Why you? Why anyone? I am still trying to find the answers.
I just want to hug you and tell you that you are not alone. Feel whatever you are feeling, cry whenever you want to cry and scream whenever you want to scream, be angry at the world - this is all 'normal'. I just remember what I was like 4 weeks after I lost Cooper. I was in a huge black hole and didn't know how to get out. You hate the world for taking your precious and perfect baby. You are angry that you did everything right to protect your child but you just couldn't save them. You blame yourself because you think, how did this happen. Deep down I know that there is nothing that I could have done, and there is nothing that you could have done to save Phoebe, but I still blame myself every single day. I guess that is part of being a mother, a childless mother.
I won't lie, the pain hurts like nothing else you have felt before, and nothing can fix the pain. I still cry every single day for Cooper and wonder what would he look like, what would we be doing today, does he know how much I love him and miss him. I know that he does, because I know that he is still with me.......in my heart and dreams. Phoebe will continue to be with you forever in your heart and your dreams and she knows how special she is to have a beautiful mother who loves her so much.
The thing that hurts the most is that all those hopes and dreams that we have for our babies is gone. We will miss all of the 'firsts'. First step, first word, first birthday, first day of school, first boyfriend/girlfriend, first broken heart. The grief for our babies is something that will stay with us for the rest of our lives, it is not something that you 'will get over', you will not 'get better'. These are all the things that you will hear from people that unfortunately don't understand or can imagine (how could they) what we are going through. They say that the first year is the hardest, but there is no expiry date on the pain of losing a child and we will have this pain for a lifetime. People will move on in their life and you will be stuck in the deep hole that you think you can never get out. You will move on in life, but it is now a different life. The life of a grieving mother.
I am just so sorry for the loss of Phoebe but you have come to the perfect place. I know that I would not be where I am today without the beautiful and wonderful women in this thread. If you want to talk to me at any time, please feel free to email me - lynnsydney@hotmail.com
I am thinking of you, and sending you the biggest hug and I hope that you have lots of support around you to help you through this painful and heartbreaking path. Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve in your own time.
We are all here for you, so please lean on us and we will help you through. Please take care
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