Trying to Conceive after Late Loss, Still Birth or Recurrent Miscarriage April '08

[Katiegirl]

Hammi - I just wanted to send you a hig as reading your post rung so true for me. I have felt exactly the same as you. I was so desperate to fall pregnant again after Nathaniel, but when it happened I suddenly realised how terrifying it was. I worry constantly, and it feels like I have been pregnant forever. I understand how you want to still have Hamish with you, and to feel him growing and to hold him again. It is so hard to let go of someone that we loved, nurtured and protected. I never for a moment believed I would lose my first child, and that pain still cuts me like a knife. I would love more than anything to have Nathaniel with me still, but at the same time I know that would mean that this little baby growing in me would not exist, and that is a hard reality.

Hamish knew you loved him, and he knows you will always love him. During your child's life, no matter how short, he only knew love and happiness. I am sure that once you decide to TTC you will know that it is the right thing for you. Take care.

[jo76]

hi everyone,
well i had my OB appointment today and don't know if i feel relieved or more anxious for this pregnancy to be ok.
We had a chat re: Jack and the fact they never found a cause and i asked how this meant he would treat me in this pregnancy. He said we will do another ultrasound after the 12 week one, around 17 weeks for peace of mind and i was so happy as i did'nt have to beg for it! i said i'll need it as i feel a bit stressed and nervous about this pregnancy and he said that all was looking good so far in terms of the size of my uterus growing and he could hear movement but not a heartbeat which he was'nt concerned about at this early stage due to the size etc. (with jack i did'nt hear his heartbeat until 14 weeks)He asked if i was ok as i was looking a bit pale (argh! since i have changed my make-up to a darker shade!) and i said i did'nt sleep well last night and had nervous diahorea (sp?) this morning. He gave me my referral for the ultrasound that i have had booked for 6 weeks and sadi get it done thurs or fri so i did'nt have to wait until next week. Unfortuneately i have to wait till next week as i have mondays off at the moment so the choice is made!
as for you guys...
jen -thanks for thinking of me! We are all here for you too, can't wait till you join us!
katie - i have decided to go back to the Angliss (outer east, so a bit of a travel) where i had Jack as they were so amazing and i wanted to have the support of Amanda who was the head of the loss nurses, as she was so patient and gentle with all of us last time and i need to be with people we trust and feel safe around. I know this birth () will be a VERY emotional one for us so the feeling safe part and already knowing the midwives is a huge deal. Where are you going?
hammi - you bought tears to my eyes. Your story and feelings are so similar to my own. We have been through the most disgustingly cruel thing with all our babies, and in some circumstances i agree, have had to be the strength for others at the same time our world has crumbled! As time passed from Jack, i became the same , very calm doing my day to day things and then it would hit me like a ton of bricks what had happened and the enormity of it. I will never get over losing jack or the circumstances that it happened but time does make it a tiny bit easier. Being pregnant again does stir up feelings and what ifs but i am just going day by day. My son (5 yrs) saw my wee sample in its jar in the bathroom and asked what it was for and i said i had to see my doctor to make sure i was ok and he said so you can make another baby?. We have'nt told the kids yet as we want to be a bit further along before we even allow them to have hope that there will be another baby. it affects us all, your feelings are normal and you will know when you are ready. take care and sending you loads of hugs.
barbara - hope you are going ok!
x jo

[jen805]

Hi jo! So glad to hear your appointment went well! It's great that your dr. offered the extra u/s at 17 wks. for your peace of mind. You would think that all dr's would be willing after what we've been through, unfortunately they're not all that supportive. I think women make much better doctors, they're so much more empathetic--how can a man possibly understand what it is that we go through? I'm excited to hear about your u/s next week--can't wait until you get to see your sticky bub! I can't wait to join you ladies, as well, I'm working on it!

[Anthonysmom]

Hi ladies - just dopping in since I have the day off.

Hammi - my heart breaks for you. I remember being at that stage. It has only been 7 weeks. some days will feel okay and some not so much. its okay. it is a mystery to me why babies die. especially those that are so wanted and loved. as far as a new baby. the first few months of TTC were unsuccessful for me. i was trying to get ANthony back. Once I realized he wasn't coming back and came to grips with it, I got pregnant that first month. I love my son and always will, but I am pregnant with a new baby now. it is terrifying but I love her as well as my son.

Jo - glad you dr appt went well. i hope you get to hear and see the beautiful heartbeat soon.

my scan went great on thursday. Evie grew so much and now has a heartbeat of 171. of course last night i spotted again a little bit. i have to call dr tomorrow anyway for bolld results so I will tell him. the good news is spotting is gone this morning.

Barbara

[jen805]

Anthonysmom-- :woot: for Memorial Day--so nice to have a Monday off, it sure helps the week go by faster! So happy for you that your scan went well, and you got to see your sweet Evie! Hope things continue to progress smoothly--and no more spotting! Take care!

[Katiegirl]

Hi all.

Barbara - glad to hear things are going well for you. I hope the spotting stays away for good now. When I had spotting at 6 weeks, I honestly thought I would not be able to handle anything more - it just feels that after all we have gone through we should all have smooth and easy pregnancies - but that is unfortunately not how it works. I always thought that this little bub was like a present to you from Anthony, as it was conceived right after his EDD.

Jo - I am giving birth at Frances Perry. As the whole Royal Women's (and Frances Perry) is moving to their new building in June, it means I will be in a brand spanking new hospital. Though I would be prepared to wherever my Ob sent me, if it meant bringing this baby home! I understand what you mean about how emotional this birth will be. Glad to hear your ob has suggested another ultrasound at 17 weeks. You are doing better than me, seeing as I am having to go weekly to keep the crazies at bay! Like you, my ob is also supportive (as you all know I love him!), and due to him believing I won't feel proper movement until after 20 weeks he thinks it will bring peace of mind to come in weekly. The best part is we don't get charged for these weekly visits or scans, as it is covered by the 20 week management fee. Do you think you will be able to add a ticker soon? I waited until after the 12 or 13 week scan.

Jen - I certainly hope you will be joining us soon. We need the company....especially because we all keep hanging out here instead of moving permanently to the preg thread! I just find it so comforting to come back and see our small group and know how everyone is doing.

Hammi - I hope you are doing ok. As Jen said, your loss is still so recent so please be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel bad if you need to, to cry when you want, and also to know that you will find happiness again. Hamish is looking after you.

TM - I hope you are ok? I haven't seen you in here for a long time.

Off for another scan today at 11:40am - so hoping for good news once again so I can rest assured for a few more days. I have always been a worrier, so it is no surprise that this is a very trying and exhausting time for me. I can't wait to get past 20 weeks and feel like we are over half way.

[Katiegirl]

Hi all - quick update. All went well at the scan - we saw the heart beating and the baby moved his/her arms and legs a bit. The baby was completely upside down - perfect position for childbirth but not so great for getting a measurement. After a few minutes we had to give up trying to get a good measurement. I am happy though as my ob said all is progressing well and the baby has moved up a bit more out of my pelvis which is great. So I can rest easy until my next scan