Trying to Conceive after Stillbirth/Recurrent Miscarriage/Late Loss

Rozzie27

I went to have a routine Sizing scan on Tuesday 22 July. Everything seemed to be going fine when all of a sudden the sonographer just stood up and said "I can't find a heartbeat, I am going to get a doctor" and just left the room. I was stunned. I wasn't sure I heard her correctly or what that meant - I was hoping it wasn't bad.

Anyway, the doctor came in and they had another look and he said to the sonographer "Yep that's confirmed - no heartbeat" Then he just left the room.

The sonographer then tuirned to me and said "your baby is dead. Can we call someone for you."

I was in such shock I just started crying and couldn't talk so she left the room and left me alone for 10 minutes!!!! When she came back in I gave her my mom's number as she lives close to the hospital I was at. My mom arrived soon after where she found me alone just sobbing!

She then told us that we could drive to the Gold Coast hospital (they don't have a maternity section at the Robina one) as the ambulance would take 2 or 3 hours as it was not an emergency. By this stage I was ready to kill her and her lack of sensitivity!!!!

My stepdad drove us to the GC Hospital where my DF met us as he had been at woprk nearby. We were then taken to the Labour ward and made to wait in a room for 4 hours before we even saw anyone! We saw the Social Worker who started talking about funerals and stuff and I told her to get out! The OB came in after waiting for 6 hours!!! She then said it was too late to start anything and that she recommends we go home and come back in on Wed morning at 7am.

To be continued - have to finalise some work stuff :D

Oh my god Theresa! That sonographer!! I would have punched her out.. that is absolutely unreal.

We found out about Jayvan at one of my monthly routine check ups. I went to my normal Dr who just really took my blood pressure, weighed me, felt around in my stomach and then got out the dopler machine to listen to the heart beat. I remember the morning of the appointment I was laying in bed and thought I'd ask mum to come "just in case" I was in for bad news.

I went to my appointment and he couldn't find a heart beat, he assured me that everything would be fine but organised for an urgent ultrasound for me as "reassurance".
I went straight in to book my ultrasound, for 5 hours later, at 4 on Wednesday afternoon.

When I got there the tech asked me if I "still felt pregnant" which I thought was bizaar and then proceeded with the ultrasound. She didn't tell me if his heart was beating or not until I asked her, and all she said was no, and then got up to get the Dr. Thank goodness this Dr was lovely, he was very apologetic even though what had happened wasn't his fault, he explained everything he could see from the ultrasound and kept assuring me I hadn't done anything wrong to cause this. The ultrasound showed that he had died 2-3 weeks prior but somehow my body had kept him in and he continued to grow.

I was then sent to ED to meet with an OB who took about 2 hours to come in, they originally thought I'd be able to have a D&C but he told me that I would need to be put into labour as Jayvans body has become quite swallen and a D&C would be to dangerous. He gave both DF and I a sleeping tablet each and sent us home with orders to come straight back in Thursday morning at 7.30-8.00 and head straight up to maternity.

Thursday morning we got there at about 7.45, went straight to maternity and got locked in a little storage room sort of thing for about 1.5 hours while we waited for a room and for the OB to come in and explain what would take place. When we finally got a room I didn't get induced until about 11am, after that I was pretty much left to my own devices, other than the meals lady coming around and the nurses coming in to administer more pills into my cervix!

I was lucky though as I had the most gorgeous nightshift nurse who helped to deliver Jayvan. She had been through the same thing herself and I felt that she didn't try to be reassuring, she aknowledge that I felt like my world was ending and didn't pretend what was happening wasn't happening!! When Jayvan was delivered she wrapped him up in a little blanket and let us both see him, which I'm glad I did, as I orginally wanted to keep the image I had in my mind of the beautifully fully grown baby I had intended to have! I truely regret not holding him though, but at the time I just didn't feel right about touching him, I don't know why.
She gave us photos of him and everything as well, and then after I had had a shower and cleaned myself up they let me go home, that was it.

Over the week at home my bleeding had gotten worse and more painful so I went back in to have a D&C as some of the placenta hadn't come away (2cm of it... who would have thought that small amount would have caused so much trouble!) and had myself a 2 night hospital stay as I needed to be pumped up with antiobiotics through drip. Yucky.
Before my D&C I was packing myself though, after they tell you all the horror stories, some of which can end up leaving you to needing a Hysterectomy, I was convinced that's what I was in for! When I woke up I remember feeling around my stomach for stitches :redface: Thankfully there was none!

hey Paula, thanks hun for the pear juice advice. They gave me a laxative on sunday night so I eventually went to the toilet on monday, but the poo was still very hard and it hurt a bit. After that, they were softer, but now I'm back to hard ones so I'll go and get some pear juice. Good luck for saturday hun, I so hope you get a BFP with your friend !!
AF stay away, we don't want you to come for 9 months !!!!

Theresa and Teagz, reading your stories just brings tears to my eyes, as all the sad memories just flood in for me. Huge hugs to you both :hug:

Will go for a lie down for a while, tummy getting sore from all the walking today - I think I over did it today. I also forgot to take the pain killers, oops.

xx

Beata -- holy cow, 1 kg! That was no tiny thing, that! Take extra good care of yourself as you're healing. I'm your typical, cynical skeptic that doesn't believe in much of anything, but I *do* believe that meditating on your healing process, picturing your white cells going to work and building you up again, picturing the eggs that are on their way soon and the little baby that will soon take place in your uterus instead of that fibroid... that's something I definitely believe in.

Paula -- glad to see your temp went back up! I saw that post from you last night before I went to bed, because of the time difference. When I got up this morning I checked your chart again, and was all "WTH! Why is there no new temp today!" A little bit of a brain fart on my part, but just so you know, I'm watching you closely! :)

Helen -- I can't imagine how much DTD there was during a 60-day cycle of concentrated TTC and not knowing when O was coming. Your determination paid off! How's it going with your cervix? (Not a question I ask my friends that often, hehe!)

Jo -- let us know what your psychic has to say, if you're comfortable sharing. As for getting up at 3am to watch Obama get sworn in -- yay! :) This political geek was plastered to the Swedish news channels yesterday watching the speech and everything. Since we were over at a friend's for dinner at the time, they were VERY patient with me, heh...

Teagz -- I' glad to here the good news about yours acquaintences and their pregnancies! It's always uplifting to hear about all the successes that happen for other members of the "post loss" community, even if we don't know them. In the meantime, I hope you don't have to wait too much longer for Jayvan's results, though I know from Lan's case that it can take a really long, frustrating time to get those kinds of answers. It sounds like you had both the good and the bad with your experience in giving birth to and losing Jayvan. It can't be easy to decide in a moment like that if you want to and would be helped by holding him or not. I was not able to get that kind of closure with Beiron, but shortly after my loss I bought this charm bracelet. Two big heart charms -- a blue one for me, "the teacher," and a yellow one for DH, "the scholar" -- and a little green one for Beiron. I wear it every day and can find myself subconsciously rolling that little green heart around in my fingers. It's not quite the same as having seen and held my baby, but it gives me something to put my fingers on, focus on, sometimes actively and sometimes subconsciously, and sometimes I just "pet" it and say how much I wish I could have known you, my first little baby. The bracelet also has a new little silver heart for Kebab, right next to the little green one.

Theresa -- my experience with losing Beiron also includes a series of "this is exactly how a caregiver should NOT act" experiences, so my heart genuinely breaks for you. The insensitivity, cruelty, mistakes of people who are trained to have our lives in their hands -- they can live on much longer and more vividly than nature's neutral cruelty in taking our babies away. But I definitely hope one thing -- that you won't ever let them treat you like that again! I'm a short, quiet, seemingly unassuming woman (and foreign to boot) so I don't know if that's what leads to be getting kicked around more than others, but believe me, after the letters I wrote and the fuss I made after our miscarriage experience, I believe the entireity of ?sterg?tlands county and Link?ping's university hospital tremble at the thought of me! Rawr! :hide:

So I continue to get super excellent treatment this time around -- we had our second appointment with the high risk OB today. I turned out to be a different one than I expected -- I must have met at least 12 of Link?ping's gynecologists by this point -- but she was awesome as well. I got a short scan, not incredibly detailed, but satisfying enough for me. I have, like, a BIG BABY in my belly! :D Head way down there, butt way up here! And everything looks good. It's a good day. :)

Teagz - I am so sorry. I do understand as it took me a few hours before I held Zachary. It was not something I could do immediately either. You poor thing having to go back to hospital again. My heart breaks for you. Sending you big hugs :hug:

Beata - So glad you are feeling better. It is great to hear you sound more up beat :hug:

Back to my story.

We were sent home and told to get a good nights sleep! How the heck do you do that knowing your baby is going to be born and you won't get to take him home!!!!! Anyway - we came home, packed a few things and went and stayed at my mom's. We got to the hospital at 7.10am. We were admitted to a room in the labour ward and we waited for the OB. She eventually came to see me at 10am!!! I was induced at 10.15am. I went through 17 hours of labour and then they realised that Zachary was stuck and I was fully dilated and I could not give birth naturally.

They told me I would have to have a c-section. I was about to be taken down when they had an emergency ceasarean so I had to wait another hour. By this time the epidural had worn off as they had cut it down so I could feel the contractions. I was in agony. I was taken down to theatre and they had to inject me with pain killers as I could not keep still from the pain. Anyway, they got me stabilised and we got into theatre. Then the assisting surgeon took ill and we had to wait another 45 mins for a replacement surgeon to arrive. I was so cold in there that I was convulsing and they had to put hot blankets on me (although this did no good as they only covered my top half and left my bottom half exposed!

After all this Zachary was born on the Thursday morning at 6.34am. it took from Tuesday to Thursday to have him. I couldn't hold him as I was so tired and I was so afraid I was going to drop him. I only held him after we had gotten back to the room.

The midwife who was on duty was wonderful and took photos for us and dressed him in the outfit we had taken. We also had a very kind lady make a hand and footprint cast for us.

All in all it has been the best and worst experience of my life. The best part was getting to see our beautiful son and seeing him looking so peaceful. And you all know why it was the worst.

I hope my story has helped everyone to know they are not alone and I feel for each and every one of you. xxxxx

AFM Had my first OB appointment today. I have to have a bunch of blood tests and I am having to monitor my blood sugars 7 times a day. My fingers feel like pin cushions :D I have also been put onto 100mg of Aspirin a day.

He tried to do an ultrasound but we just saw a small spot (I am only 6 weeks tomorrow so he said we might not see much). I have an ultrasound booked for the 9th Feb and another appointment on the 18th Feb with both OB and Diabetic specilaist (now referred to as DiabSpec) Hahaha

Hope you are all keeping well and I look forward to your BFP's!!!!

hey girls!
firstly -
theresa - thanks-you for sharing your story but i am sorry you had to go through all that in the first place. It still astounds me to hear of the way we are treated, if people cannot be sensitive in that area of medicine what they hell are they doing there in the first place. I have the footprints and handprints but really wish i could have got a cast of their hands and feet . A very special memento to honour a special baby! And a small spot is just the start of something so wonderful, so there is great news in your post...
beata -i am with Tildy -1kg! i imagined one of those sugar packets and they are huge and heavy! Glad all did go well and that the doc was happy. please rest up tho - your poor body!!! You def deserve to put those feet up!~
teagz -i can't imagine the frustration of waiting for prolonged periods for results. i was one of the "lucky" ones - jacks were back in about a week and Madisons, i had intial ones within 2 weeks and the main involved autopsy ones in 7 weeks. The pain of waiting is horrendous so i hope they come sooner rather than later. i found in my experience they did'nt help at all as mine had no answers but there is one hurdle over when you recieve them.
tildy - your story is one i will never forget! But great news for you! and when did YOUR ticker get so far ahead! I can't believe how close you are to having a bubs in your arms!!!!!:dance::dance::dance: And i too not even realising it sometimes play with my necklace that has jack and madisons other half of their hearts on it. its a comfort thing for me and sounds quite the same for you.
paula -i will officially start stalking saturday. Except it'll start sat night as i have to work! grrr!!! so i'll be thinking of you and your girlfriend all day and going slowly mad!

As for the psychic - for the first time i came out with mixed feelings.
I gave her a photo of madison to read and she coudl come up with nothing for why she passed and was getting really frustrated. With jack she had something come very quickly but she sat with her photo for ages and could not get a thing. Which is in line with the results from the autopsy anyway!She said she was a fairy child and could dancing fairies around her and said she would have ben the sweetest little girl. So sounds like my other dd would have had an equally girly sister to play with which she would have LOVED!
She said if i decided to go through with another pregnancy i would have to take a small white pill which is right as my disprin tablets are small white pills that i have to take while ttcing.
She said she was getting strong flashes of pink so most likely a girl but then got a random flash of blue and asked if we have twins in my family and i said on my husbands side. the flash came while she was doing tarot cards and the death card (she said she is going to rip it up before i come next time as it showed about 4 times and was the first card to show 2 days before found out madison had passed) came after the preg card so she was wondering if i would start of preg with twins and then the boy dies and we go onto have the girl as the pink was much stronger. She asked if i had any other kids than what i had told her as she was def seeing another baby. And she could see me holding a baby in my arms with tears down my face but that they were tears of relief not sadness.
She said if we made the decision to go for it (my other tarot cards showed, mourning, insecurity, fear and decision that had to be made) that we would be preg by aug if i was'nt already. I told her not to give me a heartattack as last time she said that i went home and tested and i was. (don't get excited as we have'nt tried and i am 110% certain i am not!) The fools card up next to the preg one and she said it meant that i would be trickingmyself into not thinking the worst and saying to myself i would be ok. (i would love to see myself not stress!) she said i would wake up one morning and go this is it, i am going to think this way and this way only. it would be a definete step forward for me.
She said i would do a course for emotional fulfillment not finanacial.
That we would go on a tripto queensland around august/sept. (we have for the last 2 months been talking with mum and dad about fiji or QLD for sept school hols.)
So there it is. Not sure how i feel about it and i have always been very comforted by her. I think only because that blody death card came up that i kinda went -her we go again but she said it came up after the preg card and this other one which she said was a better sign.
better go, have left my poor son stuck in front of a movie for awhile now!
xxjo

p.s just wanted to say that i have heard from Lan and she is ok - just to put any worries at ease!

Well I just called the Gyno agian this morning, as she didn't return my call yesterday, and the PostMortem results for Jayvan are still "roughly" 2 weeks away. :wall:

Tildy, My mum bought me a mother child locket in honour of Jayvan for me, which I never take off! And I had always said when I had children I wanted their names as tattoos (Hi, my name is Teagan and I'm a tattooholic...) so DF sent me off to the Tattoo Palour as a christmas present. The day I got His name tattooed I felt much calmer knowing that Jayvan and my whole experience is forever imbedded into my skin and will always be a physical part of me as well.

Jo, What a gorgeous thing to hear about Madison dancing away with the fairies :) I don't think I could ever see a psychic, I'd be petrafied of the horrible things they could uncover and sometimes ignorance is bliss! But you're very brave for going in my books!

ETA: Ugh, I just went to visit my Naturopath. Who, in short has told me not to TTC again for another 2 cycles. She gave me some Multivitamins & fishoil which is meant to be excellent for baby development (I have heard that before, just didn't really how "excellent" til today!) and yeah. She also said ideally you should wait 6 months to get both your body & my partners body up to scratch and ready to "handle" a bubby. So, I'm so confused. I have a Dr who's telling me one thing and her who is telling me something else, and in the past she has given me more positive results and feedback with problems that I have gone to her with, but then my Dr's plan of attack see's me pregnant sooner...
Then I have family & friends telling me to stay calm and that it will happen eventually and not to panic and be greatful that I'm healthy and that I'll have a baby one day.
I need one of those magic eight balls right now!
Sorry for keep having my little selfish rants :redface:

Theresa, your story made me cry. How awful to be treated like that in such a fragile state. I too have met many "clinical" people in this field and I truly believe they should not be allowed to practice in this area. My old OB has his own midwife and when my membranes ruptured, she came up to the ward to see me and tried to convince me to induce labour right away as without fluid Sebastian would be born with deformed limbs, dead and dark in colour - basically described him to look like a little monster.

I chose not to induce labour and let nature take its course as there was a little chance the fluid would replenish - which you all know didn't happen, however she scared me so much that DH and I decided we didn't want that to be the last image of our son so we decided we would not see him. We just wanted to imagine how beautiful he was and not let that be the last image in our minds forever. So I basically refused to see or hold him after delivery as much as the nurse tried to give him to me. She was such a lovely nurse and kept trying to convince me to see him otherwise I might regret it etc... and after some time when I calmed down a little, I asked her how bad he looked so I could prepare myself and she said "why do you ask that, he is perfect". Well I was absolutely inconsolable after that and asked her to bring him to me immediately. And girls, he was perfect... not deformed, nor black, nor dead. He lived for 25 minutes and I didn't get the chance to see him alive. My MIL was with us during the birth and when I refused to take him she took him and held him and showed him so much love. Although I am very appreciative that she was there and was holding Sebastian when he passed, I am also VERY upset that she didn't tell me he was alive. As for me, I will never EVER forgive myself for not holding my son while he was still breathing and needed a kiss and hug from his mum. I am a terrible mother and to be honest, this is the first time I have shared this story with anyone. The guilt and sorrow is so deep and so embedded in my heart that I am haunted by what I did (or didn't do actually) every day.

On a more positive note, Theresa a small dot is wonderful and the start of a beautiful baby growing inside of you.

Teagz, thanks for sharing your story too and I am sorry they are taking so long to get Jayvan's results back but it seems these things do take some time. I hope you get the answers you seek soon. Tough decision on when to start TTC. Maybe double check with your OB and do what you feel is right for you.

Tildy, YAY on the big baby! You are getting so close to meeting little kebab.
It is such a shame that we only get special treatment once they hear about our tragic losses. My old OB, not that I EVER EVER want to see him again, said "I promise to take good care of you next time" So you are admitting you didn't take good care of me this time? I just gave him one of my excellent death stares and not another word was spoken.

Jo, the physic reading was interesting and it must be a nice thought that Madison is dancing around in fairy land. Now don't obsess with the death card, there were quite a few positives that came out of that reading and that's what we will focus on! I have heard that the death card is actually a good thing. It means a door is closing on a past experience/situation and a new beginning is approaching - in a good sense. Don't quote me though, that is what a few have said to me in the past when I got this card in a reading.

I am going away on Sunday, so Paula and Megan I need to hear your results before I fly out, otherwise I won't be able to check up on you until Thursday.

Paula, I hope you spend the whole weekend celebrating with your friend over a nice cold glass of milk!

Megan, BFP vibes!

Laney, I hope you are still smiling !

Beata, hope you are doing better today and you are pooing well - only in here can we talk about these things :lol:

Went for my first acupuncture treatment last night. It's not too bad at all, hardly felt the needles going in and it was quite relaxing. She said that she has also treated quite a few women with a weak cervix with acupuncture and a herbal pill that helps lift the sac away from the cervical opening. Sounds a bit strange but she said it has worked and doctors have actually commented on the difference in some of her patients. Hmmm interesting...

HI to all and big big hugs.

Dd, yep some MW are horrible. I cannot believe that she told you that, though.
Jayvan had been dead inside me for 2-3 weeks and although he was dark and a little swollen he was perfect still. I was completely fascinated at his nose, he had the most perfect little button nose, to me he looked exactly like a baby should look he, just needed to grow a little more. I'm so sorry that you have to carry that regret, and I don't know what to tell you that can ease it. Although you are far from a terrible mother, it's obvious that you loved your little boy to the moon and back!

Oh Diana, I just wanted to send you a BIG, no make that a MASSIVE, :hug:

That goes out to all you ladies x

OH Diana you are a wonderful mother! Don't ever doubt that, you tried everything you could to give Sebastian any hope of surviving. It is that dreadful, dreadful MW that is a terrible professional, it is so hard to know what to do, I did hold Cooper after he was born and after surgery ( I had retained placenta) he lived for about 15min. After that we refused to see him again when the MW's asked and I regret that. You don't have a parallel world to step into for a moment and think it through, it is just all raw emotion at the time. Please try not to be too hard on your self, you ARE Sebastian's very much loved mum, and he knows that wherever he is.
Theresa and Teagz thank you for sharing your stories, I almost feel like 'I can't imagine what youv'e been through', but sadly at the same time I do remember my pain, I have to try and stop crying now, you are all very brave for sharing your journeys to motherhood. I think we all need a :grouphug:.
We are going away for the weekend and I am slightly terrified as I will be about 4 hours away from the hospital, and it really does freak me out. I am not sure how I let DH talk me into it, but I am trying my hardest to be positive!
You ladies are all WONDERFUL mothers, I just hope to God that none of you suffer anymore heartache.

Hi girls,

Sorry I have been posting infrequently lately, but it actually hurts to sit down for long periods of time now that I'm off the super strong meds.

Tildy, yes, can you believe 1 kg ? When I was weighing myself lately, I didn't take off that much ! I do believe in creating positive images in my head too, I often thought of the fibroid being dead and shrinking and that's exactly what happened. When I go for my transfer hopefully in May/June, I will imagine the little embie sticking, and that I'm actually pregnant so hopefully I will be ! Woo hoo to a big baby ! Sounds like he's loving it in there. I think it's a boy.

Theresa, it's so sad you've had all these terrible delays and stuff ups when your heart was breaking about not being able to take home your little boy. Fortunately, the people at my hospital were lovely, and the midwife was excellent and everything went as smoothly as possible on the day. Mind you, I can't recall the whole day now as I was just in shock.
On the positive side, I hope all goes well with you next scan :-)

Jo76, I think that was a lovely reading. She can see you with a baby in your arms and that's the best gift she could have given you. I think the death card can also translate to a new begining or a birth to something new, so I'd say it's a positive card.

Teagz, just go with your gut feeling, that always works for me. I'd do what the naturopath says ( at least you dont have a loud clock ticking away at you ! )so don't try too hard on TTC for the next couple of cycles and see what happens. Just follow the rule of doing the deed on regular basis, more so from day 10 to day 16 days of your cycle and you will have a good chance to conceive again.

Oh Diana, I would have killed that stupid midwife !! She shouldn't have given you such negative images of your baby. And after all that, he was born so perfect ! I wish so much that Joshua lived even for a few minutes, the journey for him down the birth canal was just too much. He was born an angel, but oh boy, he was so beautiful and perfect. He had the cutest button nose and little cupid lips and his fingers and toes were so tiny and so so perfect. I couldn't stop looking at him. When the midwife initially asked us if we wanted to hold him straight away, or to wait until she dressed him, my DF was so worried that he would come out deformed or something, so I asked her to bring him to me after he was dressed. Well, after he came out, I had this overwhelming need to hold him, that I asked her to put him on my belly, and I was so happy to be holding him. I was wishing for him to take even a single breath so I could tell him how much I loved him, but he never did. I cuddled him for a few minutes, but I was too scared to touch him too much as he was so tiny, as if I would break him. He weighed only 350 grams.
Please don't beat yourself up about not wanting to see Sebastian straight away. You have cuddled him, and loved him and he would have felt that. He will always feel your love, always. In his heart, your're his beautiful mummy and he will always love you and be with you forever. Big hugs hunni xxx

Big hello to the other lovelies, I will post some more personals tomorrow.

Not looking forward to the staples coming out tomorrow, my OB said it won't hurt, but I've heard this before so I don't trust him ! LOL

Lots of love
Beata xxx


.

Diana, you are absolutely NOT a bad mother. You just went through one of the most traumatic things any women could go through and were distressed about seeing your baby in a way that you didn't want to hold a memory of. I can relate to that. While Jasmine was 19-weeks, she was 1.5 - 2 wks underdeveloped so I was really concerned about what she would look like and didn't want that memory either. I was very lucky to have a mother that could give me good advise to see her regardless as she had lost 2 babies, one at 38 wks and one at about 22 wks and in those days that weren't allowed to see the baby at all, which is something that really effected her. Jass was very small and very red, she didn't really look like a 'normal baby' as she was so underdeveloped and not growing correctly, but she was my precious one. I didn't hold her for very long though and that is something that I do regret. I think when you go through something like that your in a completely different emotional realm and really can't think properly, that's where you expect good advise from medical staff like midwifes and you were let down badly, and I am so sorry for that hun, :hug: but please forgive yourself your a very special lady!

Theresa & Teagz, thank you for sharing your stories, they made my heartbreak. I just can't understand how things like that happen in this day and age.


Jo, I'm not really into psychics myself, but that 'twin' thing, about the boy not making it really disturbed me, maybe I read it wrong, but I didn't like that at all. Nice about your beautiful fairy girl though.

Paula, in case I don't get to post before you test, BEST of LUCK hun I am so hoping for a BFP for you and if I get one as well our little chicks will almost have the same EDD I'm guessing :D

Hi to everyone else.

Oh bugger I have just realised I won't be near a computer on the weekend to hear about the BFP's! My God how am I going to wait until Monday night???

hey girls!

i am having another feel sorry for myself day today. But have just told DS that we will go to the park and have fish and chips for lunch. Then we may have a cold rock ice cream - yum!!!
Laney - i'm gonna send you an email...
diana - Please listen to us all -YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER!!! When Jack and Madison were born i was so caught up in the emotions of having given birth to them and knowing they could'nt come home with me that i could'nt see them until the next morning. I have felt guilt at waiting that long but i still held them and had that time with them regardless and i cherish that time i had. Our emotions are so raw that i am surprised that any of us can make a decision at that time about anything after experiencing what we do. Sending you hugs! I really don't want you to feel that way...all our angels would know how much they were and still are loved!
berry - i understand your feelings, and i think it may have been a reason why i felt a little deflated, but she only said that it may be a possibility going by her "flash"and as
beata and DD' said it can mean other things depending on what cards surround it and that was what she was saying to me in the reading. it is her policy not to say anything bad like that but i have seen her 2x a year now for 2 years so i'm not sure if that is why she did.
DD' - i love reading about acupuncture and was glad to read it does'nt hurt. Since losing madison i have wanted to do it so much as i have heard so much about the benefits but have been too nervous. And i'm not even afraid of needles...go figure!!
Paula -my fingers and toes are crossed for you tomorrow! Hope you have a great time with your friend also!!!
teagz - i hope your results come in sooner than 2 weeks!!! x

hope the rest of you are ok!
take care girls!!! xx

Hey Girls, its pre POAS day for me today and look how well behaved my temp is being :)

My BB's exploded today as well and the nausea has been getting a bit stronger. I hope I do get a BFP otherwise there is something seriously wrong with me this month!

Its interesting to hear everyone's stories about holding their bubs after birth etc. I was so terrified to see Charlie. When they bought her in I didn't know what to do, I held her and looked at her for a few moments and then went to give her back to the midwife as I wasn't sure how long I was supposed to have her and I was, at that point, completely freaked out by the entire experience and of course in massive shock.

It was actually DH who looked at me like I was on drugs (which I think I was at the time) and said what are you doing, lets keep her here with us for awhile. The the Dr and midwife left and we stayed with her for awhile, to be honest I can't remember how long it was. Maybe an hour or perhaps a little less.

Over the next few days we went from not wanting a service or anything to planning something quite special. I remember being upset with the Dr for not giving me all the SANDS info etc before we went into the hospital because I could have read it and had time to plan more. In hindsight though I think they give it to you after the birth because you have other stuff to deal with between finding out and the actual birth. In the end I was really comfortable with what we did although you always think of things that you would have like to have done. No different to any other event that you plan I guess.

I'm sure most of you have seen this poem, but for those who haven't I just love it and thought it would be nice to share. We had it read at Charlie's funeral...

These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints,
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints,
were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angels tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you give me just a chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the winds,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found in Mummy's heart,
Cause even though I'm gone now,
we'll never be truly apart.

I had a shocking night's sleep last night. I nearly came down to the computer to post at 3am. I was thinking how much I miss Lan around. Getting a BFP won't be the same without her here. I remember I was so jealous of Lan and Jo76 who were due to start ttc at the same time as me, when all my thyroid/progesterone troubles started and I knew we were going to have to wait. I'm glad Megan you are POAS same day, have you had any symptoms or anything, have you got a vibe. Are you POAS tomorrow morning or on Sunday. I don't think I can wait till Sunday.

Plus, I have decided that if I get a BFP tomorrow I am going to the shops with my GF and buying a baby outfit. This baby is coming home with me and thats that!

Sorry for no real personals but I have been reading here and there at work to keep up to date. Will have more time next week.

See you all in the morning with my news, you'll be the third to know after DH, GF!!

Oh thank you girls. Thank you for sharing your own experiences with me and I am so sorry for all you have had to go through. It seems that most of us have suffered the same feelings of apprehension and fear about seeing and holding our angels straight after birth. You are all so right, we are in such a raw, emotional state that we cannot possibly make proper decisions at that time, and now it seems quite a few of us have some regrets. A big thank you for helping me see that it was not just me, even though it is so sad and unfortunate you have had to use your own personal experiences to do so. I wish no-one had to go through this, and I pray we never have to again. A really big, tight group hug is in order :grouphug:

Megan, how very sad your mum lost 2 babies. I wonder why they wouldn't let you see them back in those days. Must have been very difficult for her not being able to say goodbye. Testing day for you too tomorrow? :pray:

Jo, enjoy your day at the park eating yummy food. Do acupuncture! You have nothing to be nervous about, it seriously does not hurt and it sounds like there are many benefits from it. Make an appointment today!

Helen, enjoy your weekend away and cervix, behave! Not sure if you are interested and not that I think you need it, but did you read my post on acupuncture for IC?

Beata, good luck with the staple removing tomorrow. Hope you won't be in too much pain and recovery goes quick and smooth when they are out. :hug:

Paula, congratulations on your well behaved temps! Oh I am feeling so positive but you must let us know tomorrow or Helen and I will miss out on the news. Thanks for the beautiful poem. I can't stop crying now but everyone at work already knows I'm mental so no problem there.

Thanks again girls, I have said it before and will say it again, don't know where I'd be without you all.

Hi and hugs to all x