TTC after Late Loss/ Recurrent Miscarriage/ Stillbirth after 1st trimester ~ Dec 2006

Thanks Trish for spending some of your time to talk to me last year after I lost Cooper. I just didn't know what to do or who to talk to. Thank you for your compassion and understanding of what I was going through. I never ever knew these websites existed let alone knew how many people visit it each day.

Christmas and New Year were very hard. I just kept imaging what I should be doing - wrapping Cooper's presents, dressing him up for his first christmas......... It just wasn't how it was meant to be. My DH went back to work yesterday so that was another hurdle to get over. My mum came and spent the day with me as I didn't want to be alone.

Welcome Lynne,
Big Hugs hun, it is so hard at anytime of the year especially christmas. I lost my girls before I fell pregnant with my living angel so going thru a pregnancy fearing everything and having to do IVF was really hard to get my head around. The only way I could put it to people is that we have started a massive novel if I put it down I was frightened that I would never pick it up. So I lost Audrey in Jan and was pregnant again in July and lost Charlotte in the December of the same year and then was pregnant with Eliza in June. So there wasnt alot of time between the 3 but looking back they all were special but I did often feel that I should be doing more grieving iykwim.
Hope tomorrow is ok for you it so hard to be in a quiet house all alone.
Hi Trish those boys get more and more gorgeous each time I see them
Bec

Hi all,

Oh Lyn, Im so sorry that your angel went to heaven. Its so sad to have to say welcome in such circumstances, but we can all make your journey down this path a little easier. I know how much better and stronger all the wonderful women have made me feel, I hope you find this to.

I dont think anyone knows when the right time is to start trying again, my god after my 13m/c you think I would be an expert but every time is differant and no one else can make that decision for us either, so just follow your heart.....it always knows. And feeling guilty, thats just the world of motherhood I think, its starts the mintue we find out we are pregnant and never ends!

I hope today is a little better then yesterday and tomorrow a little more and that like for all of us here 2007 is a very special year.

Lots of hugs :hugs: xxxx

Hey everyone,

Lynn - Welcome to BB :hugs: I remember reading your thread about Cooper and posted to say how sorry I am and that I hope you can find support here. I am so glad you have found your way to this thread, the ladies here have been unbelievably supportive and caring and really have helped me get through. If you read back over the threads you will see that what you are feeling is completely normal, guilt is a natural feeling and I know I struggled with that early on but as time has gone by I realise that Nicholas knows he can never be replaced and he will always be my special boy. Cooper knows he will always be your special boy and I believe that all he wants for you and his daddy is that you are happy because he loves you and is watching over you. I personally have decided (probably just to make myself feel better, lol) that it shows a strong person to go through something like we have and pick ourselves up and go down that TTC road because it is absolutely terrifying. I wish you all the best in this journey and if you have any concerns, no matter how silly you think they are (I know I have often thought mine are silly) just let it out here cause everyone will understand you. I wish you all the best for 2007 and send lots of :stickyvibesboy: you way.

Kirsty - How did you go at your appointment yesterday? Thinking of you.

Bec - Knowing Mark has helped bring Eliza into your world safely gives me so much hope that I am on the right track now. For the last couple of days I have just felt overwhelmed with what-ifs, what if I hadn't changed obs? what if I had another baby without knowing the problem? would the baby have died like Nicholas? It is driving me nuts, but I am really trying to put the what-ifs out of my head, all I am trying to think is thank-god! And about your photos, you don't have to feel bad about not showing photos to MIL, she may well be disappointed but I am sure she understands, she knows its something deep and personal. You may feel like showing them one day, but also if you don't ever sobeit.

Nat - From what my mum tells me I think your right about that whole guilt thing from the day you conceive. After telling my mum the other day they found that blood disorder, first of all she was happy that I had some answers, but then she started worrying thinking the disorder was something that she had done wrong while she was pregnant with me. Personally, I have been wondering if its something I have done... maybe I shouldn't have smoked that pot back in high school, lol. And, don't feel sensitive about your neighbour I think anyone would have felt the way you did, but all the same don't let it bother you it's an ignorant comment that doesn't deserve you time and thoughts.

Tish - I hadn't had a recommendation to not conceive linking a birth with Nicholas birthday, but I have to admit I did decide on my own to avoid that. While I think I would still be happy and if it happened to work out that way it would be ok, I would probably not plan it that way because I keep thinking that first birthday is going to be really tough and I guess its gonna mess up your mind trying to be sad and happy all in one.

Clare - Still thinking of you and wondering how your going.

Anyway, as for me I did a test this morning and it was negative :crying: AF is due on Monday so I am pretty sure I would get a positive by now. I guess its not a bad thing cause of finding out I need to be vaccinated against chicken pox (anyone would think I was 2, lol), cause if I am not pregnant I can go get that sorted out. But I am kind of thinking I don't really want to wait the 6-8 week I would have to after the vaccination. Today is Nicholas 4 month anniversary/birthday and I was sort of hoping to get a :bfp: cause it's a sad day and it would give me something to be happy about. It seems to be taking forever and I don't know why I am not falling pregnant, it happened so easily (so easy I didn't try) with Nicholas. I dunno, maybe I have to go an do some good deeds so that my luck comes around.

Hope you are well and enjoying this stinking hot weather (well it is in Melbourne anyway). Going to Eastern Beach for a walk (and ice-cream, lol) tonight after we have dinner at in-laws, so that will be nice. Well if I don't hear from anyone I hope you all have a great weekend.

Love Mel

P.S. I think I should be crowned Queen Of Long Posts, lol

Hi Girls
Sorry I haven't been in to visit, but I have my mother staying with me and she is taking up most of my time, she also doesn't know I am prgnant so I have to be very deceitful. I have just spent the last half hour catching up on all the posts, geez you girls can write some long ones :lol:

Firstly Mel, your new Ob sounds wonderful, I am sure you must have some comfort knowing you have such a positive ob looking after you. I know what you mean about the guilt, I truely thought I had caused Max's death by DTD the day before I started bleeding, I also remember telling Craig after all the problems we had that I didn't want the baby anymore, I wished I could take that back instantly but I know now it had nothing to do with it. I have my fingers crossed for a :bfp: real soon.


Deb I hope you are enjoying your holidays, sounds absolutely wonderful.

Lynn, I am so sorry to hear about your darling Cooper, I am sure he would want you to try for another baby as soon as you are ready. I felt funny trying again straight away too, and we were advised to wait a couple of cycles but I believed it wouldn't happen until it was supposed too anyway. Welcome is not really the right word, but you will find some tremendous support in here, and just telling your story will help others too. Big hugs to you.

Just a quick update on me, I keep waking up with feelings of dread. I can't shift this thought that something is wrong and then last night I had a dream that I started bleeding so that didn't help. But today I have woken with the worst case of all day sickness, and believe me I am ecstatic! The GP asked if I wanted something for it, NO THANKYOU, I will grin (from ear to ear) and bear it. First dating scan being done in a fortnight so fingers crossed for a heartbeat.

Love to you all, smoochy kisses *MWAH*
Clare x

p.s Oh I finally told Craig. It was the middle of the night and I thought I really should tell him. lol I was trying to hold off as long as possible but only lasted 3 days.

Just a quickie from me atm the OB thinks she may have found something that could have caused the loss of my precious boys, but she is going to double check with the specialist at the RWH in Melbourne to see what he thinks as well. Plus on the 22nd of this month I am going in to have my hsyteroscopy to see if that shows anything. So really we still aren't that much closer to knowing anything for sure just yet.

I'll be back soon I promise, just need a few days to myself to sort through everything that the appt has raised for us issues wise (not all of it good either unfortunately)

Kirsty i am so sorry you didn't get all good news. I wish there was something i could do to help you. Thinking of you always.

:hug:

Sorry to hear it wasn't as good as you had hoped. You are entitled to as much time to yourself as you need. Thinking of you :hugs:

Oh and Clare, glad to hear everything is going well, hopefully the sickness continues iykwim ;)

Kirsty,
I'm sorry your appointment was not the greatest:hugs:
Think you have the right idea Mel if I wasnt in my pjs I'd seriously consider going to the beach:lol:
Claire: Well done coming out atleast now all your fears can be shared it is alot to try and overcome.
I decided today that I need to lose weight to give me the best chance of carrying another baby..last preg was alot of bedrest so I'm doing Cohens..I hear it is tough and no drinkys so craming in as much as I can before my appointment next week
Hope everyone else is doing ok
Bec

Well I'm back and totally exhausted. This week has been full on but I managed to get back into the swing of things which I was really nervous about. I only fell to pieces twice (she says with proudly) and the ladies at work were wonderful, I am lucky to have such supportive workmates. There are some new people at work since I left and they don't know what has happend so I am sure the rumour mills working overtime but I really don't care.

Lynn - Hey hon, I remember you and your little boy Cooper and have been thinking of you. Just know that I care about you and we will help eachother through this.

Mel - After chatting during the week I just want to say again that you have done the right thing following your instincts. I know everything will be ok.

Clare - lol about wanting m/s. I have never wanted to be nauseas more in my life.

Kirsty- As Mel said, take all the time you need. Please just know that we are here for you when you are ready.

Sorry that the personals are so short tonight. I have just spent ages reading everything that happened while I was away so I will get on tomorrow and reply to each and every one of you amazing women.

Tomorrow is Harrisons 3 month birthday, I was thinking of you and Nicholas today Mel. Something really strange happened yesterday. Matt got a text from me saying "can't wait to move to Sydney. January is perfect because we will have our darling little baby by then". The only problem is that I sent it about 4 months ago. I delete all messages from my phone once I send them so I couldn't accidently have resent it. Go figure.... I believe in my heart that it is Harry letting me know that he is ok. Matt thinks it is some coincidence but I know it is my boy.

Happy 3 month birthday honey, Love Mummy and Daddy :heartbeat:

Sweet dreams
Spring Angel

Evening girls,

Spring Im glad your home and all went well as it could I think you did great.Wow that text message, Harrison is really looking down on you actual more right there with you, it must be a nice feeling.

Kristy Thinking of you tonight, I hope that you can find some positive in your results. Hear from you soon.

Clair glad to hear all is going well and craig is in the know, bet his happy, try and be positive all those bad dreams are hard to sometimes forget but they don't always mean bad things, I think us girls tend to fear the worse like a type of wall to protect us if something bad happens if only we could be so positive always!I know what you mean re morning sickness I always want the works, sore boobs, sick 24/7, tiredness etc etc....we wouldn't trade this for anything.

Mel thinking of you also with Nicholas "birthday" keep your chin up that ice cream sounds wonderful not sure on the walk! Thanks for back up support im not going to let people like that get to me ...... well till next time but by then Ill be stronger again. And that pot at school well thank god we did it then cause were all like angels now, no drinking (exceptions) smoking, eating well, taking multis, no sex oh no LOTS OF SEX! I still have my fingers crossed for a + Monday is still 3 days away if not maybe there is a reason to get that injection.....who knows.

Bec what is Cohens? And weight ha I thought about losing some but since taking Pred I put on 8kilos so since trying again and back on them im hopeing for no more gain or im in big trouble!

Lynn I hope you feeling a little better.

To every other wonderful women out there if Ive missed, hope you are well. Schools holidays are great but many late nights so since im CD13 im heading off to bed and hope DH will be home soon I told him his on a promise so im sure he be driving in any time soon. If i don't get back before the weekend (were having a bbq tomorrow) hope its a good one and you spend it with those you love and who love you!:grouphug: Goodnight and sweet dreamsxxx

Hi everyone

Dream: Hope you had a great BBQ.. I noticed in your last post that you are CD 13 so hopefully there will be news of a BFP before long.

Mel: Hey hun, I hope the Witch AF hasn't arrived and that your next post will be full of :bfp: news. If the witch does arrive, I hope your Chicken Pox injection is ok... As you know I am such a sook around needles so I'll send you my brave vibes.

Kirsty: I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you hun. Hang in there.

Flowerchild: I'm not sure if you have access to a computer on hols, but I am sure you are having a ball with those gorgeous kids of yours.

Lynn: How are you going sweety, when you are ready I'd love for you to pop in and let me know how you are. Those early days are so tough, but just remember you are not alone. :hug:

Clare: Hope that morning sickness is continuing IYKWIM. I hope that little bean of yours is going great guns in there. Are you a little tiny little bit excited or still worried sick? Eitherway, sending you :stickyvibesboy:

Bec: How is the diet going? I have some serious baby weight to shift (about 10kgs) so DH has said that when we move to Sydney we can budget in Lite and Easy. I am really excited about it. I know it is a bit of a cheats way to diet but because DH will be in Canberra mon - frid it saves me cooking for one each night.

Baby amore: how are you going sweety, I agree with you, the choice of how soon to conceive after loss is such a private decision. It isn't disloyal to your angel if you TTC. They will always be your angel.

Well it has been quiet in here. Hope it is because everyone are having fun filled weekends. DH and I went to the movies today and saw Night at the Museum. We went to the local Movie theatre and the seats are so uncomfy. I am still not up to going to the big cinemas at the shopping centre in case I run into someone. Silly I know but I am still not ready to be out and see people so DH and I have sore butts. I ate too many Peanut M&Ms so I have a upset tummy but apart from a sore butt and upset tummy, we had a good time (lol)

Anyway lovely ladies, I hope I haven't missed anyone and if I have then I am sending love your way.

I did an OPK yesterday and got a almost +ive. I read in another thread that it in some circumstances means you are UTD. Grasping at straws I know, but only another 6 sleeps until I should know for certain. Not getting my hopes up for a BFP but it doesn't hurt to dream.

luv
Spring Angel

Oh Spring, I so hope you get a BFP this month. Having an almost +ve OPK at this stage is a great sign. How many DPO are you? I am assuming around 8? Are you a good girl and waiting until AF is due to test or can I twist your arm into testing a wee bit early? :lol:
MS was bad yesterday but doesn't seem to be much today, but then I have been busy at work. Still very guarded, definately not feeling positive about it but trying really hard.

Fingers crossed for a couple of days time :pray: for your :bfp:

A big hello to all,

Spring Thats great news of opk sounds like things are on the right track :crossfingers:for a big fat BFP this month. How was the movie? DS wants to see it. Is your butt any better and im sorry Lite & easy is no cheats way out, DH and I love doing it and you do loss weight, im just such a pain in the ... when ttc I only try to eat organic poor DH just has to put up with his weight till im done!When do you move to Sydney? BBQ was good but another late night.

Clair sending you positive vibes to help you along. Im glad your feeling sick, in a good way of course. take care

Well it is very quiet in here so I hope you are all well and had a great weekend.Ive had a + opk yesterday but I forgot to test on sat so just lucky we have been bd enough to cover. Im now starting on clexane inj today and prog. wish me luck injections everyday again...I just hope we get something at the end of it this time. Anyway talk later

Hi Y'all

Well Clare because I am a HPT and OPK addict I have been doing both each morning (lol) luckily I get them for a deal online otherwise we would need to get a second mortgage (lol) Yesterday was an almost positive OPK and then today nothing really. I did use FMU so I am going to try again this arvo. My HPT is a :BFN: I am due for AF on Sunday (ignore my ticker, I really have to update it) so I think I am about 7PO because I have a 12 day Luteal Phase (or that is what the OPKs say). Make sense though because I didn't get a BFP with Harrison and his twin until 5 weeks. So not expecting a BFP anytime soon. I have given up trusting my phantom symptoms. I think I have sore bbs this month but I have been wrong before. Busy organising the move so like you it is nice to be distracted. I hope you are ok today and that those symptoms are hanging around.

Dream: I didn't realise you were on Lite n Easy. What are your favourite meals, do you do the 5 or 7 day plan? I only eat chicken and fish but I had a look on the web and there seems to be heaps of options. I'd love to hear your favs. Looks like we will be in Sydney a week today. The house is being packed up on Thursday and our stuff should arrive Monday. I am really starting to get excited now. Mum and Dad got us tickets to Tooronga Zoo (I am a huge animal fan) so once the house is unpacked we are going to spend a day there. I am due back at work on 22 Jan. We are living in Blacktown, which side of Sydney do you live? Also, great news about your +OPK, get your grove on girl ;)


Oh by the way the movie was good, don't expect a great plot but good for a laugh and the special effects were cool. I am going to see Marie Antoinette (sp?) with my big sis tomorrow so I'll let you know how that is.

Any way you sweet thangs, have a great day.

Luv Spring Angel

PS... I have finally updated my ticker to show 29 days. It will be my luck that this cycle will be 28 and I'll have to change it all over again.... (lol)

Dear Spring,

We eat just about everything in house expt NUTS both DH & DS are highly allergic to so its a nut free household with the exception of there mother/wife! Last time we did L&E was before last pergnancy so not sure if the menu has changed but I loved the Hokkien Noddles with a terriarki sauce I think, most the asian ones were good and a florenteen(spelling????) We normally do 5 days we like to eat out on the weekend! hence my weight!!! The zoo is great day out you will have a good time, the new elephant enclosure is great a bit like melbs. we were there at the end of last year and had a good time. We live south of the city near Cronulla yes where all the riots were but is a great part of the world....we think so anyway! Let me know if you want any Drs names. Are you working in the city? Im glad you liked the movie we might go tomorrow as the weather had cooled down (thank god) DS needs a day out of the pool can you believe he's still alseep I went and and checked just to make sure all is well!!I think he's waterloged.

Good luck with the big move, will you still be on line or do you have to wait?

Hi everyone,

Spring - Welcome Back!!!! Oh, so hoping for :bfp: for you. What was Night at the Museum like? I love Ben Stiller, we were gonna go see that the other day but chose the other one instead.

Clare - Good to see your still sick, lol... keep up the good work :thumbsup:

Deb - Hope your holiday is going well.

Nat - Hope your BBQ was good, definitely had the weather for it.

To everyone else, hope your all good.

As for me, the Witch has arrived :crying: Why does my body have to be so much like clockwork - for the past 3 months I have waited and hoped that it wouldn't come and every month spot on the day it is due I get a nasty little surprise (or not usually a surprise I guess) and I just wish that it would give me one more day of hope. I said in an earlier post that I didn't mind this month cause of the whole chicken pox vaccination and hysterogram, but I have changed my mind... I do mind - ALOT - its been 4 bloody months and I don't know what we are doing wrong but it just won't work. Now I have to go and have this stupid vaccination which means I have to wait for 2 more cycles before we can start TTC again and it seems to long away. I did think it would be ok because I knew there was a "reason" why we couldn't try and I thought it would take the pressure off a little. Well I have decided I like having that pressure, it gives me something to hope for and plan for and basically keeps me going through life. Now that I have no hope or planning for the next couple of months how am I going to keep myself distracted? Why am I being put through all this s***, surely I am not that bad a person that I don't deserve a second chance? I am so tempted to just bugger the hysterogram and the chicken pox vax! They have already found the blood disorder which they say is the cause of Nicholas dying, and I didn't know I wasn't immune to chicken pox previously and I got through without any related problems. DH says no we have to do everything right, but I did EVERYTHING right last time and he still died so maybe I should try a different angle and do the opposite. I know it is probably PMS talking but I feel really ripped off and hurt and sad and angry today.

And to make matters worse, I wear a necklace with a pendant that has photo-engraving with Nicholas' face which I have worn religiously (except for sleeping cause it strangles me) since I got it and I went off to work this morning and forgot to put it on :frown: I was so upset, I felt like I had left the house and forgotten my baby. What kind of mother does that!!! How could I forget about him? He should be in thoughts every second of the day but yet I just got in the car and drove off without even a thought. The necklace is what makes me feel he is with me, now I am sitting here at work feeling alone and upset so I thought I would hop on here and vent my frustrations.

Sorry to let it all out of you poor gals but I really needed to let it out.

Mel

Hey Mel

You know what, sometimes life sucks and don't feel that you have to pretend that it doesn't :hug: I am so sorry to hear that the witch showed up.... It is a cruel twist of fate that your body is like clockwork except when you are trying for that BFP. I am not going to tell you what you should do about the Chickenpox injection or hysterogram but I am worried that if you don't do the tests then you are going to be even more nervous when you do fall pregnant. I know that DH and I are facing 6 months of not TTC and the thought of it drives me insane, but I am trying to remember that not everything in my life is in my control and I am going to have to let what will be happen. Doesn't change the fact that I cry myself to sleep over it but I have to believe that It will happen babe, I just wish it had happened for you guys already and patience is a BIACH!!! Hey, maybe we should plan a girls weekend while we are both on a break from TTC and party our worries away :)

About your necklace babe, I am really sentimental and superstitious about those sort of things also, but you know that it doesn't make you a bad mummy because you forgot to wear it. You know what, Nicholas is deep inside your heart and you will never be without him. It probably is the PMS making you feel worse but you are entitled to be precious today. Just know that you are a wonderful mummy to Nicholas and that the necklace is just ONE of the ways you show him how much you love him, just having the courage and strenght to get through the tough days like today, and not giving up is the way you show him how much you love him.


Anyway hun, if it is too tough at work today just go home and turn on your favorite songs and have a good old cry. I'm thinking of you babe, hang in there, I am here for you always.

Luv
Spring Angel

Well, during my epic post you guys posted a couple more which I obvioulsy didn't see 'til afterwards. Just wanted to let you know that so you wouldn't think I am a psycho cause I asked about the movie (Spring) and the BBQ (Nat).

Although, speaking of psychos - I just read my last post, WOW sorry bout that :rolleyes:

P.S. Spring - I did Lite n' Easy a few years ago and I didn't mind it, and I am so fussy it's unbelievable. I only ever had their fish and vegetarian meals but they were really nice and the amount of food they give you (if it's the same now) is a reasonable amount so you won't be hungry... and seeing as you will be on your own during the week it's definitely the easier option in terms of cooking. But don't think for one second that its cheating, you still need to use your willpower and determination cause there are lots of temptations. Any way you find to lose weight is hard, cause no matter what the circumstances you still have to go without the "good" stuff and keep your mental point of view on track. Good luck :)

Thanks Spring :)

God, don't tempt me with a girls weekend - it's too inviting, lol!!! I know you and DH are coming up to a tough time, and it does suck yeah? I try not to but I do find myself sitting here today thinking why me. And I know we have all said before why anyone so I try really hard not to think that cause it's true why anyone. But I feel like I deserve a second chance to make it right, as we all do, and it just won't happen - what more do we have to do. I know you are right about the vax and tests and stuff and I know I have to do it, but another couple of months seems like a lifetime away. DH says but it's ok cause we can try again after those couple of months but with every day that goes by I feel like "childless mother", I know that sounds pathetic but I know you know that feeling.

Well, I just now focus on you hopefully getting a :bfp: this month and then I can live vicariously through you, lol ;)

I think we should get a 'why me' tatoo on our foreheads because that is how I feel too (lol) We'd be stunners don't you reckon. I was serious about that girls weekend. Wait and see how the next week or so goes and we may have to make some serious plans. Not that I fit any of my dressy clothes, but hey, you don't have to convince me to indulge in a bit of retail therapy. Perhaps we could time it to conicide with someones B'day ;) not naming names :)

You know what, I know exactly how you feel about being a childless mother and it is not pathetic to feel that way, it is totally natural. You know that even though Nicholas isn't here in a physical sense, you have your own special guardian angel with you every moment of every day. Being mummy to an angel baby is such a tough job.

Hope AF is kind to you, if not let me know and I'll kick her arse(lol)

Take care
Spring

LOL, ahh what the hell kick her arse anyway ;)

Gee, who's birthday would that be :dunno: lol! Don't feel bad, my big butt doesn't fit any of my clothes either so I would have to shop too. If your up for it, I certainly am - ****tails, yum (she says drooling like Homer). We will get those tats beforehand and everyone will be so jealous, they will laugh at us but we will know the truth - its just cause they want one, lol :cool:

Your right, it is a tough job, one that I wish I could resign from - but I guess I still wouldn't give him back for anything in the world :)

Hi Everyone,

My weekend was not good - I just kept thinking about what Cooper and I should be doing.It is just so hard not having him around. To make things worse, my friend who lives up the road had a baby and I found out yesterday. I am not angry at her, actually I am so happy that she was able to have a healthy, crying, pooing baby because this is what I want. I am just angry that Cooper was taken from me when there was nothing wrong with him...........he was perfect. My sister also said some insensitive things to me and I am just not sure how to handle it. Can I be selfish and not worry about it? I mean, it is not as if I don't have enough on my mind at the moment.

Spring Angel - I know what you mean about going out. I find it so hard to see other pregnant women and babies. I have only been out a few times, once to the supermarket and newsagent and once to the movies. I went with DH and the in-laws to the movies to see Night at the Museum (very funny, I like Ben Stiller) but we went at 9am so it wouldn't be busy and we went to a different cinema, one further away from our house so I didn't bump into anyone I know. It is just so hard. I liked the movie - did you? Hope your butt and tummy are ok now :) I hope you get your :bfp: - thinking of you.

Mel - I am so sorry the witch has arrived. You do deserve a second chance, we all do and your chance will come. You have done nothing to deserve this and as I write this to you, I think it is helping me too as I keep blaming myself and keep thinking what did I do. I can't tell you to have the chicken pox injection but it would be one less thing to worry and stress about when you are pregnant. When I was pregnant with Cooper a blood test revealed that my rubella was quite low. I was still immunised but I needed a booster - I had this after I gave birth to Cooper. My ob told me to stay away from sick kids and it was always in the back of my mind. My best friends kids had the chicken pox and I couldn't see her or the kids for weeks. I'm sure you did do everything right with Nicholas, just like I did with Cooper. I ate the right things, didn't drink, exercised and it still didn't turn out right. I keep thinking what could I have done differently but as my sister says I wrapped myself in cotton wool. I wanted to make sure that I did everything right and protected my baby because he took so long to be made.................unfortunately they outcome wasn't what I had expected or hoped for. You could never leave or forget Nicholas as you always have him in your heart. I too feel like a childless mother. It is hard because we know that we gave birth, we just don't have our babies with us. Spring Angel is right, being a mummy to an angel baby is the hardest job. I received this quote from someone on BB (sorry I can't remember who) which I wanted to share with you.

"No matter what anyone tells you about being a new mum, the tiredness, the dirty nappies, the crying - being a mummy to an angel baby is the toughest job in the world and we would never sleep another moment in our lifetime, to have our babies with us"

I keep wanting to do things to remember Cooper. I am getting a ring made with diamonds and yellow topaz (Cooper's birthstone). It will be my eternity ring, eternity with DH and eternity with Cooper. I also make jewellery and I made me, DH and Cooper a bracelet. They are all the same, blue and clear crystal beads. Our families wrote letters to Cooper and gave him toys and these were placed in his coffin. His bracelet was put on his wrist. I wear my bracelet every day and know that Cooper is wearing his always and forever. I am also planning a garden for our backyard where I can go and write my journal.

My dad bought a star in the Southern Cross constellation and registered it Cooper Nathan. Every time we look at the stars, we know that Cooper is watching over us and is shining brightly. My DH got a tattoo on his heart with Cooper Nathan 28.11.06 and the southern cross.

DH and I have started our bumpy road to fall pregnant. I am hoping for a smooth ride and am trying to stay positive but it is so hard. I have started Clomid and did my first OPK today - negative. I know that I said that I feel guilty for trying so soon but on another thread someone said to me that I am not replacing Cooper, just the whole in my heart. I say this to myself everytime I am feeling down. Because it took 2 years (6 months on Clomid) to fall pg with Cooper, we want to try as soon as possible. I just don't know if I can wait another 2 years again!!!

Mel - I noticed that you have gone back to work. When did you go back? How difficult was it? My work doesn't go back until 15 January but DH and I have spoken and we don't think that I will go back. We just want to concentrate on falling pg and then when I am pg just resting and looking after myself. I know that it will be a long 9 months by not working but hey it is going to be a long 9 months anyway. I just need to keep myself busy which I can do by getting back into making jewellery.

Sending my love and thoughts to everyone.

Oh girls

Im sitting reading and tears are running down my face. I know that there are no words to make anyone feel better but a special friend told me something once,
"God only send special angel gifts to those of us who are able to grow from it and strong enough to know what to do from then on in, the rest are just not as lucky or special like us" It sort of makes sence and I always try to remember this.

Lynn Thats a grt idea with all the lovley things you have done for cooper, he would be so proud of his mummy and daddy. And lynn why not indulge yourself if making jewellery helps then you go girl. work will always be there this time is so precious.

Mel I hope you are feeling a little better this afternoon, sorry about the witch! yes I think kicking ass is a good way of feeling better. Goodluck with the decision making.... I have to agree it would be one less thing to worry about next time, we try to blame ourselves so often if its out of the way maybe......?sorry I no im no help. By the way you could never be a bad mum...just a very special one.

I hope so very very much that you girls all get that special baby this year.....its my special pray for you all every night. Thinking of you all tonight:grouphug: to everyone.xxx

Hey, it's me - the psycho - back again, and feeling a little better tonight.

Left work around 2pm cause I just couldn't take it, so came home and DH (who is still on holidays, lucky duck) greeted me at the front door with my necklace - he is such a sweetie sometimes :heartbeat: Then I had a 2hr nap on the couch, so I woke up feeling alot better.

Bailey99 - You are more than welcome to join in. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your little girl :hugs: What is her name? I would like to call her by name if that is ok with you. If you need support you have certainly come to the right thread, these ladies are amazing and I hope you find as much solice here as I have. It is such a difficult journey to go through, and we have only just begun. I lost my son Nicholas in September and have been on that journey pretty much since the beginning (well as soon as I physically could anyway) but have been told we now have to wait about 6-8 weeks for a couple of reasons so that kind of sucks. I wish you all the best with your appointment, be sure to pop in and let us know how you get on.

Spring - Thanks for everything today, you know you are a legend :hug:

Nat - I know everyone is right, I do need to have the vax and the hysterogram because I just can't give myself any reason to blame myself if this happened to my next baby, as everyone has said we blame ourselves anyway so lets not give us reasons to huh. The quote from your friend is nice, I have to admit I know Nicholas has already made me a stronger person (not that it seems that way today but honestly he has) and also made me a kinder, more caring person. I don't think I was awful beforehand or anything but I definitely think I am a much more compassionate person, and on top of that my whole idea of what is important in life has completely changed. I have a greater love and respect for my family, my husband (we only got married on 25/11 because Nicholas showed us just how much we love each other and that it is what we want) but also I think for any children that I should be lucky enough to have in the future, if that makes sense. And I am with you, I hope every single woman in here gets their hearts desire (:bfp:'s all round) in 2007.

Lynn - I am so sorry you had an awful weekend. About your sister, I am not sure what she said or how close you are, but she is your sister and I am sure she didn't mean to hurt you. If you find in a couple of days it still bothers you maybe you can calmly discuss it with her and let her know you were hurt, I am sure she probably doesn't realise and would soon make it right. Also, about your friend who had the baby, it is a really hard thing to handle. While you want to be happy for your friend and would never wish your situation on them, it is impossible not to sit there and think why me and not them, or why Cooper and not their baby. This is so natural, it doesn't make you a bad person or anything, just a woman who has had a huge injustice done to her by nature and is struggling to not only get through daily life but to understand why.

In terms of me going back to work, I went back only about 4-5 weeks after Nicholas died. The only reason I went back is because DH had to go back to his work and I was scared to stay home on my own, I am very much a people person and I thought going back would give me something to keep my mind occupied. Another reason I guess I went back is because I had Nicholas at the hospital where I work and I was starting to feel anxiety about what it would be like to go back, wondering if I would have flashbacks and all, so I decided I had to face my demons and it didn't end up being as hard as I thought it would be to go through the door that first day. I have to admit that my boss is really good and he put me back to work doing whatever I felt comfortable doing. I found it difficult at first, most days I would walk in the door sad and by mid morning have had a tear or two. My co-workers are for the most part quite supportive, most of them went to Nicholas' funeral. For a while there were days when I would just wake up in the morning and decide I couldn't go in and allowed myself to do that. It did start to get easier, but then a month or so afterwards I started to feel like everybody expected me to be the same old Mel again and that started to mess with my head, to the point where I got so upset I posted asking for advice because I felt like everyone had forgotten what had happened and expected me to be the happy-go-lucky person I used to be. That was a while ago now, I think I still have my days where it is easy, then others where it is hard (obviously today was one of those) and I think it will stay that way for a very long time. The one thing I need to learn is to allow myself to have those bad days and not put so much pressure on myself to be ok all the time. I have dropped down to working 4 days a week so that I can have a mental down day per week and it was meant to be temporary but in all honesty I think I will stay that way. Since going to 4 days I am much better at work (today was an exception) and can generally get through ok.

I really think going back to work is an individual thing, if you don't think it is the best thing to do then definitely listen to your heart. I do agree that keeping yourself busy is important, if jewellery making is something that can keep you busy while you also enjoy it then definitely stick to that. What you need to worry about is your emotional and physical well being. Don't worry about money (easy to say I know) or letting people down or anything like that, you worry about you. You are still in the early days, Cooper has only been gone a very short while and then you have had Christmas to deal with on top of that so it's such a hard time, you are doing well just to get out of bed each morning and give life a go. Give yourself all the time you need, you may never be ready to go back to work and if that is the case don't.

Well there you go, you can tell I am feeling a little better - babbling again! I am sure you didn't need me to say all of that but I have typed it now so I am gonna send it, lol.

Take care everyone and sweet dreams,

Love Mel

P.S. Oh and Lynn, I remember reading that comment in your thread as well (also unsure who said it though) and I remember at the time thinking how true it was, you would trade absolutely everything in life to have those sleepless nights, dirty nappies and be covered in baby vomit - it's so spot on!

Hey guys

Well I am going to have to take credit for that quote Lynn and Mel mentioned. Well I can't take all the credit, it was told to me by a woman who lost her son at full term. It is so true though, I hope sharing it had bought some comfort.

Balily 99: Hey hun, I want to apologise to you, I read your thread last night but I just didn't have the strenght to respond. I had a really bad night because we are moving and I spent the day packing up Harrisons belonings so when I read about your darling little daughter the tears just woundn't stop. I am so sorry that you have had to join us, but rest assured, you will get support from us that doesn't have an expiry date, when it seems like everyone else is getting on with life, we will be here to support you, listen to you and lift you up. Like Mel said, if you are happy to share I would like to know your daughters name so I can call her by it. :hug: to you babe.

Lynn: Hey babe, I'm sorry that you have had a bad few days, are you feeling a little better now? I hope so. The things that you have done to remember Cooper warm my heart. When I read about his star I got goosebumps all over. That is such a wonderful gift from you Dad. About going back to work, I am with Mel (boy she gives some great advice) I went back last week which was 12 weeks after having Harrison and it still felt too early. I have a few weeks off while we get settled in Sydney and then go back in late Jan. I am lucky to have a really supportive workplace and they have said that if there are days were I just can't face work, just to call. I think going back to work raises so many other emotions, I had planned to spend at least the first year off with Harrison and then go back part-time. I had to buy stockings the other day for work and it made me cry. I remember thinking that I wouldn't have to wear stockings for ages and it was just something that symbolised losing Harrison. It may sound silly but these days it doesn't take much to set me off. Just take your time babe, if you can stay home then go for it. The jewellery making sounds like a great idea to use up some creative energy. Perhaps if you do stay home from work you could make gifts for other mothers who have lost babies at your local hospital as a gift from one childless mother to another. My Mum has started knitting gowns for Stillborn babies at her local hospital. A group of women do it so that the babies can be dressed in beautiful gowns. I think helping other women is helping my Mum mourn Harrison.

Dream: how are you going babe? Hope that you are having a nice day.

Mel: Good decision babe about the test, you know it is the right decision and I am glad you made up your own mind. I'm glad that you left work early yesterday and I hope you are feeling better today. By the way, I have sent out a hit squad for AF so she should be getting an arse whopping as we speak (lol)

Anyway, I am going to the movies to see Marie Antoinette (sp?) with my big sis. I'll drop in later to say hi.

Luv Spring Angel

PS Mel, you are now officially Mrs. Longest Thread (lol)

Thanks guys for your messages. I am feeling better today. I have been out on a big walk this morning with my mum and my beautiful 2 dogs - Jazz and Phoenix. They are amazing, they listen to me blab all day long when I need someone to talk to - and they don't talk back!! Which is good in a way but sometimes I would like some advice from them. You are probably thinking who is this weirdo talking to dogs??????

Sorry Spring for not remembering the quote was from you. It brought me so much comfort - so thank you. :hugs: I forgot to mention in my last message - you are going to be living not far from me when you move to Sydney, about 10 minutes away.

I guess that is one of the reasons I don't want to go back to work - I had planned to take 12 months off. For me, going back to work before 12 months is another reminder that I have lost Cooper.

The bracelet that I made for me and Cooper brings so much comfort to me so I thought I would make them and donate them to the hospital where I had Cooper. It brings comfort to me so I am hoping that it brings comfort to other women.

Mel I'm glad that you are feeling better. I hope AF is treating you ok today.

Hey there,

Thanks Spring - glad to hear I finally got the title. My little fingers have been working hard to earn it ;) I'm sorry you had such an awful night, I can imagine how hard it must have been packing up Harrison's things. Just remember though, he will still be with you when you move, in your heart but also in your home guiding you through life. He will still be watching over you, in fact I bet he was watching over you last night saying "hey mum, why are you crying? I am here helping you", you just couldn't hear him. I hope you are feeling a little better today and that you enjoy the movie with your sister, I know you don't eat popcorn so enjoy the choc tops :hug: Oh and credit given for the quote too, now that I think about it I think you may have said that to me in an email as well. You are so clever!

Lynn - After reading what you guys have said I have realised that maybe it was easier for me to go back to work cause I was only planning to take 6 weeks off work and then go back part time because we were worried about money and also I didn't want to let my boss down (boy has that attitude changed now, next time I will be taking a while off and who cares about my boss). I think it is a beautiful idea to make jewellery for other mums who lose their babies, I am sure those mums would be touched by the gesture and although you may never hear of it I am certain you could make a difference to their lives. And don't feel weird about talking to your dogs, I talk to Nicholas' photo sometimes and some would say that's weird but I figure whatever makes you feel good... although I would start worrying if they talk back though, lol.

I did feel better yesterday, but today is another crappy day. I have been upset most of the morning but trying to hide it, obviously I am not doing well cause I had one of the girls come up before and ask me if I am ok and I just burst into tears so she gave me a hug which made me feel better for a little while. The problem today is that I feel like the whole world is against me, I start to get my head around things and then something else comes up. I have been looking into having this stupid vaccine this morning and have found out that I cannot be around anyone susceptible to chicken pox for 6 weeks afterwards, which would include my 2 month old niece and that is impossible because my mothers birthday is on 22 Jan, my 30th is on 31 Jan and my nephew (niece's brother) is 3 on 4 Feb which means I can't have vaccine until after that time, and then I am not allowed to TTC for 3 MONTHS, which means that we are looking at about 5 months before we can start TTC, and that's to START. We all know you don't necessarily fall pregnant first try. I just really wish I didn't know about this chicken pox thing, you know that expression "ignorance is bliss" well it is so true. If I didn't know it wouldn't be bothering me and there is nothing I could do about it, but now that I know I can't risk not having a vaccine because just my luck I will get chicken pox and my baby will be harmed and I will never forgive myself. I feel like it just keeps getting further and further away and the only thing I live for at the moment is to get pregnant again. Then I called the psychologist that Mark referred me to and she can't see me until 25 Jan and to be completely honest I don't know if I will be ok until then :crying:

I am so sorry, you guys are probably getting sick of my whinging, but I know you all know why I am stressing so much. DH and my mum and everyone just keep saying it will happen just give it time and be patient. PATIENT - they should try being patient, it's not easy when there is no feeling inside but that of desperation to hold a baby in my arms. They don't understand how hard it is mentally, while time flies by it also goes by so slowly iykwim and I feel like I am losing my mind, each day gets harder lately. I started having more good days than bad, but I have to admit the bad days are slowly starting to outweigh the good again.

Anyway, I will quite my whinging now. Sorry again.

Mel

Hi girls

Just popped in, going to see night at the museum with DS and all his friends!

Im glad to hear that some of us here are feeling a little better but Mel darling don't be so hard on yourself. Im sure when you do see the psychologist she will tell you that what you are going through is totally normal and good for you to do this, we must grieve but I know how you just need to talk to someone NOW. can he recommend anyone else that you can get into sooner? And know that I never think of you as "whinging" my god if only we did maybe we would feel a whole lot better. Hon Im thinking of you and hope things pick up for you today.:hug:

I'll drop back latter and have a chat. Till then keep your chin up girls our angel babies would want nothing more from there special mummies. xxxx

Hi Girls,
Not much happening here just scoffing all the wonderous foods down which I have probably put more weight on ;) D day is Thursday god I hate diets but to get a healthy bub I will do it.
Nat: Cohens is a "lifestyle" lol diet..it is blood tests and all that with no carbs no alcohol no sugar really not much but has quick results obviously not a great way to loose weight but similarily baby fat from 3 pregnancys and years of IVF have stacked on and before I ttc again I need to be in good shape. I'm sure you will have fun with a crowd of younger boys.
Mel: Hmm vaccinate or not, it is your choice and who said you cant try why you are waiting for birthdays to come and go.mine is in that group too ;)
I tried to reply to your last post but work got in the way..how rude. I had a locket that I wore every day after losing Audrey it was the only thing that kept me safe knowing I had it on. I had a IVF transfer and a job interview on the same day came home from Melb 1hr and abit had a shower took it off and forgot to put it back on so driving another hr back to Melb I realised..I never got the job but I got another baby, I never felt the need to put it back on so it is in a special box for Eliza and I will give it to her when she gets married hopefully and is thinking about having a family.Also ring the phycoligist and tell her you are struggling..I'm sure she can move some appointments.
Spring: Hugs darl...your little Harrison is so proud of his mum. Hope the witch stays away.
Lynne: Its nice to talk to our fury kids, they have an uncanny way of being better listeners than many.
Better go ...just been told the shower screen man is coming to fix our new shower I HATE CLEANING MY BATHROOM!!
Bec

Oh Mel it brought tears to my eyes reading your message. I am thinking of you now and wish that I could give you a big hug. The thought of waiting 5 months to start - I just can't imagine how you are feeling but I know that you will have the strength to get through it.

You are one of the strongest people I have met and have made such a different to my life. I read your messages that you write to other women on BB and wonder where you get the strength from and just hope that one day I will have just as much strength you have. :hugs:

Just remember you are doing this because you have your next bubba's best wishes at heart and during that pregnancy you will know that you have done everything you can to protect them.

Can you get a referral to another psychologist so you can talk to someone sooner? I know that talking to my psychologist helps.

Please don't ever think that you are whinging..................you are just letting it all out and that is ok and a normal thing to do.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Mel sweets you are never whinging, we all have things we need to get out & need to get them out sooner rather than later. Is there any chance you could maybe talk to a counsellor while you wait to see the pyschologist? I know talking to someone who won't judge you for what you say or how you feel makes a huge difference.

I have been seeing a counsellor (luckily for us provided free of charge through DH's work) since about 2weeks after we lost Thomas last year & it has probably been the best thing we have ever done (DH sees him as well). In fact we are still seeing him to this day & probably will for quite some time yet, especially when we are pregnant (if that ever happens!). In the meantime until you can see someone we are always here for you to get it all off your chest. Never feel sorry for the fact that you need to let it all out.

Big hugs to you all & I hope to be back chatting regularly soon but in the meantime please know I am always here if you need me & always keeping an eye on you wonderful women.

Boy oh Boy I think I am keeping kleenex in business reading these posts, I didn't think I had any tears left but they just keep coming.

Mel hun, it is like our lives are on a common path, as you know DH and I are facing the same TTC delay so I know how insane it makes you feel. I really think that you should call the psychologist back, surely if they can't see you they can reccomend someone who can, also SANDS has a 24/7 grief counselling line. I am going to call you tonight to chat :hug: Just ignore my call if you don't feel like talking, I understand if you need some space. I always feel better after talking with you so hopefully I can provide that comfort to you. I don't want to put ideas in your head, but from what you have said about your big sis, she would totally understand if you had to stay away from Maya for a few months. Especially because TTC means so much to you. Perhaps give her a call, I think you will be surprised with how understanding she will be. It is worth a try babe. Imagine if you were in her shoes, I am sure she will do anything to try and help you through this. If not then lets not just make it a girls weekend, lets make it a girls festival!!!!

Lynn: I am so with you on the furry people thing. I have two dogs Frank and Vinnie and I love them like they are my children. Frank is a border collie x and Vinnie is a Staffy x, Frank was abandoned as a little puppy and Vinnie was given to the RSPCA by his owners a 9 months. To be honest, my boys have provided me such comfort since losing Harrison. One sloppy kiss from them and a goofy look on their faces makes me feel better. Also that is awesome that we are living so close. I am going to get involved in the local members meet up at Blacktown, I think the first one is in February. Perhaps we can chat about it closer to the time and see how we are both feeling about going. The more support the better.

Dream: Hope you enjoyed Night at the Museum. My sis and I just went to see Marie Antoinette. TISSUE ALERT, she loses a baby, you don't see anything, just the tiny coffin which is still too raw for me at the moment. It was a visually spectacular movie though, I wouldn't force DH to see it but it was a good chick flick, just take some tissues.

Bec: We are trying to get a renter into our house at the moment and we have a few people coming through this arvo. I got up at 5.00am to clean the house, including the bathroom so I totally agree that is the worst job (cleaning the oven would be up there though) I wanted to get it all done before the movie but I am sooooo tired now.

Me well, another amazing thing happened today. My big sis has a picture of her and Harrison on her bedside table. When she first got it developed just after he was born she put it on the inside cover of a book she had bought to read because it was too hard to see. The book (sorry can't rememeber the name) is about a young half Brittish, half African girl who goes back to Africa to find her family. Anyway, my Sister is a school teacher and is on holidays at the moment. It was a rainy day the other day so she decided to open the book finally and read it. As she opened it she saw the picture of my baby boy and began reading. The whole first few pages is introducing the girl's family, guess what their last name is.... it is Harrison. OMG, things just keep happening. Brooke said that she felt that that book had been sitting on her bedside table since his birth and Harrison was just waiting until the right time to say hello. When she told me I felt such a warmth deep inside, no longer do I wonder if he is with me... now I know.

Anway, better go and do a last minute clean before the open house.

Cuddles to each one of you.
Love Spring Angel

Mel-:hug: I wish we could al give you a big hug.It is a tough decision but did the DR tell you about the no contact - I didn't realise it was so long.

Also, have you tried ringing SANDS OR SIDS in the meantime.The have very experieced counsellors and people who have walked a mile in same situation as we have.

:

---

SIDS and Kids Victoria 03 9822 9611 or Free Call 1 800 240 400

Still Birth, Miscarriage & New Born Death Support (SANDS), Tel. (03) 9899 0218

Bonnie Babes Foundation, for grief counselling Tel. (03) 9792 2344

---

Ladies all these contacts and ones for your state can be found in the miscarriage and loss sticky - useful contacts.

I don't know if many of you know about Teddylove club but that teddy to me was a very precious gift. Others I know get quilts or other keepsakes too but anything that brings a comfort to another mother is priceless.

I think the jewelry is a beautiful idea - some other mums have made it a home business and charge a 'minimum' to make angel jewelry for mums.

I had a ID bracelet I got engraved for Charlotte and wore it veryday till the clasp broke.I haven't been able to get it fixed yet.I thought I had lost it one day and I was very upset. I rang everywhere I had been (service station/coles/post office) and the police to report it lost and my husband in case it was in the car ... I was so distraught ... then I found it in the money tin at work ...I was so forgetful in early days , I forgot I put it there :confused: .I couldn't put it on by myself so I had it in my pocket first and then slipped it in there when I got to work (own business)because Dh wasn't there to put it on my wrist.I still don't know how I did that.

I also found the support group Buds & Blooms I attend monthly to be the best thing ...I have made some very special friends IRL from this group.It is held at Nepean Hosp but not affliated with them except they provide a social worker facilitator and the room/tea & coffee. We have people come from other areas too.It isn't SIds & Kids one because one of the mums has yet to finish the counselling course so we can't call it .They have none in our area mostly innercity. I am planning on doing the course next year (2008).

Take care
Trish
"~♥~ DD Charlotte Rose 1/9/04 26wks born still ~♥~"
Sam & Joel - God's blessings

Thank you so much to everyone for your support :grouphug: Believe it or not it helped me let it out a little just writing what I did earlier and knowing you girls all know what it is like (and don't think I need a straight jacket like I am sure everyone else does). I wrote that while I was at work because I felt like my head was going to explode I was getting so stressed and worked up. Afterwards I felt a little lighter, I just want everything to go away - life would be so much easier. I knew I could count on you all, you have never let me down :)

Spring, you know I would never not take your call :)

Thanks again everyone,

Mel

P.S. Trish, thanks heaps for the phone numbers. I will see if I feel any better tomorrow and if not I might give someone a call, I keep wondering if they will be able to help me. The girl at the psychologist said she would let me know if any cancellations popped up but I don't know if I should cling to that hope.

P.P.S. Bec, when in Jan is your bday? My younger sis is also on 31 Jan (forgot her before, pretty poor considering its same day as mine :eek:)

Thanks everyone for your warm welcome and kind words, it's just what i needed right now. I am so sorry to read about all of your babies. It's just all so awful. I've been reading (and bawling) through some of your stories in the old posts and sometimes I read something and it feels just like I wrote it. It's so relieving to talk to others who really understand what you are going through. My family and friends have all been fantastic, but they don't really understand, and how could they? It is so hard to explain to those who haven't lost a baby that you are not only suffering the loss of your child but you are also grieving the loss of a whole future you had spent months planning and imagining. This is one of the things I am finding is hard.
Well, as I said in my first post, I will be getting my results on thursday and that will determine if I am able to join you all in TTC....fingers crossed. I am so scared that the doctor is going to tell me to wait longer as I had a cesarean. Did any of you guys have a c-section? And if so, what amount of time did your doc recommend you wait till TTC? Everything that I read online differs so much, from 6 weeks to 2 years!
Another question, I know everyone's situations are different, but how are you all coping with your decision to TTC again and how different your future pregnancy will be now you don't have that blissfull innocence anymore. I am so keen to be pregnant, but at the same time, I am petrified that I will have a streessful 9 months and not even enjoy it.
Sorry, so many questions, but I don't talk about this stuff to anyone else, so it's pretty much just spilling out of me now:lol: Just babbling!!
Well, thanks again guys. I can say that I already feel so much better after posting here and reading all your warm responses. You're all awesome.
Bailey

Mel mine is the 21st..but not sure whether another year older is good when you hit the thirtys :) also I found it really hard in Vic to get support when I lost the girls...to be honest I found myself in a situation where I thought I too would be better off joining them (no one knows this) thankfully I didnt but please find someone to help please.
Bailey: I suppose I am a little different to many of you where I lost my girls between 17 and 20 weeks. Too small to save not big enough to live, especially my second girl Charlotte she was born breathing but due to her size no help could be given to her. Also all my pregnancys were IVF so when as soon as I made the decision I was thrusted back on the TTC bandwagon straight away, my first two were natural delieveries and I was back ttc with in a few months..emotionally really tough tho DH was my strength. But after delievering Eliza I had a c-sect the Obst advised no preg for 12 months, just to allow the scar tissue to heal well enough.
Spring: How beautiful Harrison being in your sis book, I'm sure little signs happen every day and it makes life alittle more bearable. Hope the opening went well and the tradey turned up as I was up to my elbows in the loo..lol lucky that was the good one we never use ;)
Ahhh yuck another work day tomorrow it is just another day closer to my gyn coming back from holidays :)
Bec