TTC after Late Loss/Recurrent Miscarriage/Stillbirth after the 1st trimester ~Jan #2

Hey Girls, I hope you are all well.
Dream - Thanks for those OB recomendations. I am a little early as I haven't even started TTC but I just want to be prepared I guess. I have a couple of people recomend Jan Dudley, so I might look into her.

Spring - Oh I am so sorry to hear about you recieving your certificate for little Harrison. I didn't know that they sent out such things. The reason I didn't order Asha's birth certificate was because I didn't want to see that horrible word stillborn on it as Lynn and Mel said, though I have since realised that with any subsequent children I may have their birth certificates will have it on there anyway under the siblings section. I know what you mean about lightening hitting twice. It doesn't matter what numbers they give you anymore does it. I mean, it does help to know that the chances of it happening again are so low, but who would think it would happen in the first place?? I hope you're coping ok with hubby being gone again and I will be thinking of you on tuesday. Asha would have been 3 months tomorrow so I know how those monthly milestones feel.

Mel - Fingers crossed for you tomorrow and I hope you didn't embarrass your nephew too much!! My almost three year old never lets me dance either, he says my singing and dancing is "esgusting" which is how he says disgusting, cheeky bugger:D

Lynn - I am sorry to hear about AF. I hope you're feeling a little better.

Bailey - thinking of you and your precious angel Asha today. Big hugs to you :hug:

Mel - also thinking of you today and your sweet angel Nicholas. Big :hugs:

Spring - I was also told that lightning doesn't strike twice with cord accidents. But I still find it very hard to believe. Like what Bailey said, it is good to know the chances are low. Until these things happen to us you don't even realise that it happens at all. And babe, you will never ever have to receive a death certificate again...........none of us will. 2007 is the year for all of us to bring our babies home :grouphug:

I had the worst week last week so I am starting a new week with a fresh start and hopefully I feel better this week (I need to get those 10 steps back that I lost last week lol). On top of AF arriving last week, someone had been writing some insensitive things to me which really freaked me out and hurt me. I am trying to forget about it and I just wanted to thank some of you girls for your support.

Nat - I know you have been busy, hope you are well. Talk to you soon.

Clare - Will be thinking of you on Thursday. Make sure you let us know how you go with the scan.

Jo - hope you are well.

Hey everyone -

Sorry but I have come on to whinge:

Obviously we had Wil's birthday party but I did a HPT in the morning and it was negative and I just balled my eyes out because I knew that meant I wasn't pregnant, then about an hour or so after that I started to get severe PM symptoms and I was so upset. I composed myself by the time we got to the party, but my sister was stressed and in a bad mood so she had a go at me for no reason and I just got so upset again. I sat in my mums ensuite crying and then everyone started arriving and I felt like such an idiot. She came in and apologised and said she was stressed and shouldn't have taken it out of me, so I tried to compose myself and go say hi but just hung around inside for a little while cause everytime I tried to speak I started getting teary. Then one of my sisters friends arrived and this girl lost a baby at almost 20 weeks a few years ago, she came up and asked how I was (the only person to do so other than DH) and I just started getting upset again. So I spent a little time talking to her and then managed to pull myself together and go outside to say hi to everyone. Most of the people there haven't seen me since before I had Nichoals but obviously they all know, and I felt like everyone was looking at me. The thing that made it especially hard was that there was a 2 month old boy and a 3 month old boy there, as well as my BIL's SIL who is due to have a baby this Wednesday. I felt so jealous of everyone there watching all their little kids running around (including my step-children, I feel like the evil stepmum), and watching these women cuddling their babies and everyone making a fuss of them, knowing that Nicholas would have been here getting all that attention. And everyone was asking the pg girl about whether she was excited and everything else and I found it so hard to keep myself together - I couldn't even bring myself to day good luck to her. So, I spent most of the afternoon looking after my baby niece (the only baby who makes me happy) and then I felt like everyone, especially my BIL's family, kept looking at me holding her, and I wasn't the only person who noticed it. One person made the stupid mistake of telling me "you are a natural" because I got her to sleep (mind you I must bore her cause I can always get her to sleep) which I got really upset about on the inside cause I thought well of course I am a bloody natural, I do have my own baby you know. My mum says people don't mean to stare but it's hard for them to not think about what happened when they look at me. Well I think it's hard for me when I have been holding back my tears all day to know that everyone is staring at me and watching what I do. What made it worse was this stupid woman, who isn't a very nice person to begin with, has a 3 year little girl and the 3 month old boy is hers. Her little girl went up to her and asked her to do something for her and she snapped at her and said "It's my turn with Sam now, you will have to go and bother your father"! I felt like saying to her that she was a nasty b**** and she doesn't deserve her children. She is such an awful mother, I remember I went to her little girls 2nd birthday last year with my sister (cause she doesn't like her much either so didn't want to go alone) and she had this plain sponge cake with no icing or cream or anything on it, none of the kids ate it and she said the reason she made it plain was because otherwise it is too messy. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I got through the day and was exhausted last night. Woke up this morning and surprise, surprise AF arrived. Today, I am not as upset. Actually I feel a little numb, I don't really know what to feel. I am sad, I am in a little discomfort because AF is being an absolute b**** and I have pretty bad tummy cramps.

Most of all, I am bloody p***ed off at my body for not doing it's job :crying: It has been 5 months today since I lost Nicholas and we have been trying everything we can to get pregnant and it is just not working. Everyone say relax and it will happen, well you know what this month I did relax, I didn't stress about it and figured what will be will be and it still didn't happen. What is wrong with me? I told everyone this month, including you girls on BB, that I didn't think I was pregnant. But to be completely honest, that was a lie and I just didn't want to jinx myself because I really did think I was. I had been having nausea here and there, the early cramping, my boobs have gotten a bit bigger (even DH has noticed that) and I have been really emotional which I thought may have had something to do with the pregnancy hormones. I had convinced myself I was and I just don't think I can handle this disappointment anymore. Yesterday I got to the point where I don't want to be here anymore, I can't handle anymore pain and I can't handle the stress of life. Like I said I am better today, but actually writing all this down is bringing back everything from yesterday and I am getting teary again.

I want to go and find out why I am not getting pregnant, why won't my body do what it is supposed to. 5 months is a pretty long time! And, what makes me more upset is that I was told by my OB just after I had Nicholas that if we didn't want to get pregnant straight away we had to use protection of some sort because just after having a baby is your most fertile time... well if that is my MOST fertile time and I can't get pregnant, now that I am not so fertile what if I can't. And then I think back to that nasty woman who wrote in my post about Nicholas basically telling me that I should think myself lucky I can get pregnant (easy for her to say when she was 17 weeks pg at the time huh!) :angry:. I wish that woman could read this now cause I would love to have a few words to her, I would love her to tell me what makes her think I can get pregnant because lets face it each month that goes by I am losing more and more confidence in that theory, and I really am starting to wonder if something is wrong.

On top of all that, I didn't go to work today because of the tough time I am having so Michael rang in and said that it was Nicholas' 5 month anniversary and all my boss said was "ok well we will see how we go" - WTF does that mean??????? As far as I am concerned he can shove his job, if he says anything to me tomorrow I am going to resign and go get temp work. Temp work would suit me perfectly, as they say all care and no responsibility!

Anyway, I am sorry to have said all that but I think I really needed to get it all out. I spend so much time trying to pretend I am ok and even try to convince myself, but weekend like this make me realise I am anything but ok and in fact I am a mess :frown:

I will go and compose myself now and come back later to catch up on other posts.

I am really sorry about the long post - I just kept typing and didn't realise it was so long

Mel, I am so sorry. I really dont know what to say to make it better. I know there isn't anything I can say that will make your pain go away, I dearly wish I could do something to help you, but please know that we are all here for you. I had tears in my eyes reading your post, please don't apologise for having a vent or that your post was so long you obviously needed to tell somebody and get it all off your chest.

I am also so sorry that AF arrived, I can't give you any help or words of wisdom with why it hasn't happened yet, but saying that I dont believe in the "relax" theory either.

I know I haven't been any help Mel, but I really hope you can talk to someone that can give you some support during this difficult time. Please know you are in my thoughts Mel, and I pray with all my heart that one day it will get a little more bearable for you.

Oh Mel sweetie, my heart is just breaking for you. I don't know what to say to make it better. You deserve so much more than this. I can imagine how frustrated and upset you are and how you feel like your body has failed you. I am so sorry that Wil's birthday was such an aweful experience for you. You know your Big Sister loves you and I know in my heart that she wouldn't have meant to upset you. It must be incredibly hard to be in that situation with all those people making a fuss about the babies. I went to a wedding in December and everyone was making a fuss, right in front of me, over a friends baby. I felt like screaming, would everyone just forget the bloody baby and ask me how I am rather than pretend nothing has ever happened!!!!! I felt like a big meanie too but it is a totally natural reaction. I am glad you took the day off today, stuff your boss if he gives you any problems just walk away take some time out and then deal with it. I know you might want to feel like just quitting but just give yourself some time. I am sure everything will be ok when you go back tomorrow. Just hang in there, that is all I can say. Can you go and see your ob and see if there are some tests they can run. I suspect he might say try for at least 12 months (that is what most obs say) but there is no harm in asking. I hope so bad that you are feeling better this arvo. Pop in later and let me know how you are going.

Bailey hun, how are you today? I hope you are ok, I will keep Asha in my heart and my thoughts tonight. Just know I am thinking of you and your special little angel.

Lynn: I am so glad that you are back to BB hun, I really did miss you but I understand that you needed some time out. I know it must be so tough getting AF but just know that I am thinking of you and I hope this cycle brings you that magical BFP. Thanks for the offer to catch up. I think I might take you up on that offer soon. I am going through a tough time at the moment so perhaps the company of a true friend who understands me would be nice.

Clare: How are you babe? Is that morning sickness easing? I hope you have a great scan on Thursday.

Well me, I hate to be a downer but today has been aweful. I went to the bathroom at work this morning and there was a little bit of pink CM. I went to the toilet basically every half hour for the rest of the day and there was a little bit more. When I say a little bit, I am talking almost microscopic but I could tell that the CM was a little streaky. I am feeling so down. I am trying to be positive but there is only so much that I can bear. I called the OB but no one is at his office on Mondays so I am going to call back first thing tomorrow and try to get an earlier appointment. DH and DTD on Sunday (sorry if TMI) so perhaps that has something to do with it. The strange thing is that I am still feeling really sick and vomitted again this morning. I have been tired also but it could all be in my mind. Anyway, I am trying to keep positive. I'll let you know how I go.

Spring.

Spring, it probably is from DTD, your cervix would be quite sensative at the moment, I hope you can get an earlier appointment to put your mind at ease.

I am in the same boat at the moment. I had a pap today and of course I knew I would bleed, its just started, nothing serious, just pinky CM. I have the scan on Thursday so not feeling to worried. I am more worried about the results of the pap for some reason, I have convinced myself they will come back bad, I mean with my luck lately why would it come back ok; Morning sickness is still awful, Maxolon is taking the edge off it but still feeling very blah! And I may be imagining it but I am already having butterfly type tickles low in my tummy, the same as I got with Max (at 12w) and Shelby (at 15w) So I suppose it is possible.

My mum is taking me out tomorrow for bday lunch so hopefully it will take my mind off everything. She is finally moving out tomorrow so after 11 months it will finally be just me, DP and Shelby again. Woohoo.

Lynn - I did get your email, thanks very much for doing the bracelets for me, I accidently deleted your message so couldn't return your email.

Mel - how are you doing sweetie?

Hey guys,

Sorry about my freak out before. I just started off writing my post and the further I got into it the more upset I got and then I started getting angry at life - you know how it is. Thank you Clare and Spring for your messages, it does help to know you guys are there and that's pretty much why I vent in here cause I know you understand. I still feel a big peeved at all this s*** and just want to stop thinking about it, even if just for a minute. But Lynn, you made me feel a lot better so thank you :) I really don't know what I would do without you all :hug:

Spring - I am so sorry you have had such a crap day. I agree with Clare that it may be from DTD, it happened to me with Nicholas a couple of times throughout the pregnancy but I didn't stress too much at that time because I was naive back then. I wonder if it is making you a little more stressed because it was around this time you lost Pumpkin? I really do believe everything will be ok, but I agree that you should definitely try to get an earlier appointment. Simply to put your mind at ease. I really hope you do ok over the next couple of weeks with DH away, you that if you need someone to talk to or a shoulder (or telephone) to cry on I am there for you :hug:

Clare - I am sure everything will be fine on Thursday, but I will be thinking of you all the same and you will definitely have to pop in and let us know how you get on. Same goes for your pap results. Happy birthday for tomorrow, I hope you have a lovely day and get really spoilt. How nice to be just the family again - we all love our parents but lets face it, we moved out of home for a reason, lol. Does your mum know about you being pregnant as yet?

Bailey - Thinking of you and Asha today. Hope you are well :hugs:

Thanks again,

Mel

Hi girls,

Mel - I am so sorry you're having such a crappy time at the moment, but please don't feel bad about posting it. We are the ones that can listen and understand when it feels like no one else does, that is why we are all here. I was thinking of you too today, I think you and I are always going to have a bad day on the 5th huh?

Lynn - I am so glad to hear that your feeling better, and try not to let that person upset you. You don't need that! And I think you are right, 2007 has to better for us all, and hopefully by this time next year our little group will be a mothers group instead ;)

Clare - I am sure that you will have lots of good news to report after your scan on thursday, with a strong healthy bub in there tickling you! Happy birthday for tommorrow, I hope you have a great day.

Spring - I am sure like the girl said it is just down to DTD. I had the same in both my pg's. So try to relax...though easier said than done I know. I am glad you are going to your OB to get some reassurance tomorrow. Make sure you let us all know how you go.

Thanks to you all for your hugs and words. Managed to get through today pretty ok. Though about half an hour ago, I found a little blanket that my son had picked out for his "bubby" when my mum took him shopping one day many months ago. He had only just started to grasp the idea of us having a baby and wanted to buy a present. Anyway, I found it and wrapped it around her little urn, and then it kind of hit me all over again. I realised that he has also lost his litle sister, even though he doesn't really understand.

Well :hug: to you all and thanks again.

Hi girls

Clare - :happybirthday: Hope you have a wonderful day and a nice lunch with your mum. I posted your bracelets on Friday so you might get them today if you didn't get them yesterday. I hope they don't upset you on your birthday and that they bring you comfort. How did you go with your pap - have you got the results?

Mel - hope you are feeling a little bit better today and that your boss hasn't upset you again. Men!!!!! I'm glad that our talk made you feel a lot better. Thank you - you helped me too :hug:

Spring - I hope you got an appointment to see your dr. Let us know how you got on. I never had this with Cooper but like the other girls said, it is probably just from DTD. Thinking of you and Harrison today - big :hugs:

Bailey - love the mothers group idea :D That would be awesome for all of us.

Jo - haven't heard from you in a while. I hope you are ok - thinking of you. If you are having some time out, I totally understand.

Nat - sorry I missed your call last night. I will buzz you today. Glad you liked the bracelet.

Me, I'm ok. It's Tuesday so they are always hard. Cooper is 10 weeks old today.

Afternoon Girls,

Well its just taken me 1/2hr to read through all the posts and yes Mel I think you get the longest post award!

Clare :happybirthday: I hope you have a wonderful birthday and get spoiled, Im thinking of you for Thurs scan I dont think I need to say good luck, its all good. I was also glad to hear the fires didnt affect you. Hows the m/s going?

Mel Im so sorry that witch turned up, it is so.....well just p%#% you off, I think what spring said about talking to your OB but I would tell him that you want to get it checked out, after us try so long and being told to wait and give it time this is not something I recommend. Go in ther and take the bull by the horns as they say. I do have to say I did smile at the end of your post, "what the" with the boss! I was thinking of you yesterday with Nicholas anniversary, my prays are with you. keep your chin up and I hope today is better.:hug:

Spring How are you feeling today? A medical reason for light blood and dtd.....When you become pregnant the blood flow to the pelvic area increase ten fold, all the cells lining the cervix are enlarged and many things including DTD can cause them to burst hence the small amount of blood. But to put your mind at easy get in sooner to see the OB.Sorry DH has gone again hopefully two weeks will fly by. Oh and if you are eating hot chips can you have some for me please.......Im trying so hard to be good! A little pray to you for Harrison.....Im thinging about you love and big hugsxxx

Bailey Im know as the good mum you are that your DS will always know his sister, I hope today is a little better for you. Jan Dudley is wonderful but I would make an appointment pre conception as I know she is hard to get into if you havnt seen her before, she will see you before and go through everything, she is great. And she at randwick near the hospital.

Lynn Glad to see you back here! I will talk to you later this afternoon Im goin to get DS from school after typing this so Talk soon, and the bracelet is beautiful I cant thank you enough. Thinking about you and hope today is going ok.

Jo Hows it all going? hope you well


Im good just been flat out not sure what doing but keeping very busy anyway, Im sure ive O so now we just have to wait and see, saw my nurse today and we are going to do blood test Thursday week.....I will know soon enough i guess. I will pop back later tonight and catch up a little more.

Hope you all have had a good day if not I will send you some +++vibes I hope this helps.xxx

YAY YAY YAY!!!!! There's a HEARTBEAT!!!!!!!

By the time I got to the obs I was a complete mess but after the scan I feel better. The little rascal measures 7 weeks which is spot on. I don't have to have any blood tests, just booked in next Tuesday for another scan, more for my peace of mind. This is going to be such a long 9 months. He gave me a referral to a psychiatrist, I think he thought I was losing my mind which I basically was. I still feel really worried but I am so glad to see that little flutter on the screen. I think everything was ten million times worse because it is Harry's 4th month Birthday today and with DH away I think I am entitled to be a little crazy. The ob, midwife and receptionist were all amazing. The ob gave me his personal mobile number and said I could call any time of the day or night. I think he might come to regret that offer.

Clare: :happybirthday: did you have a nice lunch with your Mumma? I hope you got spoilt rotten and that the m/s gave you a bit of a break so that you could eat some yummy cake. I hope you have an awesome scan on Thursday. I know how you must feel worried about your pap smear, it sort of gets to the stage that you feel the whole world is against you. Fingers crossed for the all clear. Did they tell you how long the results would take?

Mel: Thanks for all the texts of encouragement and reassurance. You deserve a medal for all the wonderful support you have been. How are you today? How did everything go when you went back to work? I hope they were easy on you.

Dream: Good to hear from you hun. Great news that you more than likely O'd! I hope the blood tests next week give you the results that you want. Thanks also for the info about DTD. I tell you what DH is not going to be allowed with 10ft of me if it is going to happen every time (lol) To be honest, I think he will be to frightened to touch me (LOL). You were right about the hot chips. Because I had been worried sick all day I hadn't eaten and on the way home from the Ob got a hot chips and Sprite from Red Rooster. Oh well, I have earned it today. Back to healthy Spring tomorrow.


Lynn: Thanks for your kind words babe. I hope you are ok today. Friday is when Harrison was born and even though four months has passed, every Thursday night I think about being induced and the first thing on my mind when I wake on Friday morning is Harrison. Well he is on my mind every other day but on Fridays it is almost like I have disturbing flash backs. I hope today was a calm day for you and you are ok :hug:

I am going to chill on the couch and will pop in later. The guy across the road came over to tell me his house got broken into today and his motorbike stolen. We have an alarm but it still doesn't really make me feel much better. He thinks he knows who it is.

Oh well, I pitty the poor bugger who tries to break in here, Frank and Vinnie take their job very seriously.

Luv Spring

:happyforyou: :happyforyou: :happyforyou: :happyforyou:
Yay Spring! See, you should always listen to all of us wise old women, we all knew bubs was ok. It's great news, and so fantastic you have got such an understanding OB.
I will pop in again later to say hello to everyone but I just wanted to say how happy I am for you Spring, and hopefully you can relax a little now!

:happyforyou: Oh Spring I am so happy for you!!!!!!! It must be a relief to see the little one fluttering around and to see the heartbeat. It will be a long 9 months but just remember we are all here for you. :grouphug:

Hi all.. haven't caught up just letting you knnow I am taking a break atm. I will be back soon (I hope) but need some time away just now.

Jo I hope everything is ok. Take all the time you need and we will be here for you when you get back. Thinking of you and big :hugs:

Awesome news Spring - absolutely fantastic, I know the relief you are feeling! Only 2 days until mine, :pray: for at least a measurement of 9weeks.

Mel - how are you feeling today? Hopefully you are a bit better today

Lynn - I haven't received the bracelets yet, but hopefully they will come in time for thursday's scan, so I can take Max with me to see his brother / sister.

Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes, had a lovely lunch with my mum, just about to go out for dinner with DP as well! I can see the kilos attaching to my hips already but hey you only have one birthday a year. I got a box of choccies from Shelby and Max, and season 4 of All saints from DP. Really excited.

Anyway, must get going, yummy Thai food waiting.

Ohh, pap smear results are supposed to be back Friday, :pray: I don't know why I am so convinced there is going to be a problem,(never had abnormal results in the past) but I have already got it in my head they will be bad. Really have to stop doing this to myself! :wall:

Bummer on the bracelets Clare. That would have been a nice birthday present. I guess it is a long way to Perth so it might be taking a while. I hope I put the right address on the envelope. I hope they get to you by Thursday so you can take them with you to your scan.

I'm sure your pap scan will be all clear and yes you do have to stop doing this to yourself. You don't deserve any more bad news and I'm sure that all you will receive this week is good news :pray:

Hi everybody (as Dr Nick would say - for those of you who watch The Simpsons)

Clare - :happybirthday: I am glad you had a nice day. I am sure your pap results will be fine.

Bailey - The 5th is always gonna be a crappy day cause its just one more month that we have been without our precious little angels. And then there is Tuesdays that I wake up thinking about it, I think the 5th is the hardest though definitely. I agree, your son will always remember his baby sister because you will always talk about her. DH's children talk about Nicholas a fair bit, but sometimes it really hurts, for example not too long ago the middle girl who is 5 got spoken to cause she was being a sook and we said some things you can cry for but not just to get attention and she said "its ok to cry if your baby's dead" :( I got so angry and DH went off his nut, but I guess its not her fault. Kids = foot in mouth disease.

Nat - All the best for the test on Thursday, hope you get good results.

Jo - Hope everything is ok.

Spring - :hugs: for you and Harrison today. On a different note though I was so happy to hear your little bubba is doing well in there, I am glad I could help today... anytime. Look after yourself, I am glad you are having another scan next week cause it will put your mind at ease even more to see he/she has grown another week bigger.

Lynn - Thinking of little Cooper :hug: I am with you that Tuesdays are sucky! Well, lets face it most days are but some are more sucky than others. I was ok today, but after the last couple couldn't be worse. I am so glad you have your mum around, mums are the best huh (that goes especially for us mums!).

As far as I go, I had an ok day. I was a good girl and went to work. My boss didn't say anything to me (lucky for him!), actually no-one really said anything. I had a couple of girls ask me how I was feeling, one is a close friend who I work with so of course she did. But other than that not a word, no I hope you are feeling better. No how did you go yesterday. Nothing. They all know why I wasn't in, and I think they are all just too scared of upsetting the "fragile" one, so they ignore it! Oh well, that's life I guess. Anyway, I had to work late unfortunately but DH greeted me out the front with an iced choccie so that cheered me up.... mmmmmmmm, chocolate!

Take care all.

Hi to anyone I have missed.

Mel

Hi girls

Spring :happyforyou: On the scan, Im glad you got to put to mind at ease. Your OB sounds wonderful, im sure he wont mind you ringing after everything your been through, Im just so happy for you. Can we say it?........told it would be good!!!!hehehe Im glad your got frank and Vinnie with you they sound like good dogs to have around! Take it easy at work today.

Clare your day sounds like it was very special, lunch and dinner wow and kilos....dont even worry just enjoy it. Thursday going to be fine you just wait and that pap test ....just fine!

Bailey How are you going?

Mel Im glad to hear your day went ok, Im sorry that only one person asked how you are, but know im thinking about you and we all care so much about you, I hope today is a little better but I must say that ice choccie sounded mighty good!!! If i hadnt just walked my bum off I think I would head off now and make one....but I think after this I'll go and clean my bathrooms instead!!!!! dont you just love that job. Thanks for the wishes on the test im just thinking the worse case so if it is no good than I wont be so disappointed.

Lynn Hows your day going? Thanks for the call yesterday, it was good to talk to you.

Jo Take your time, just know we are here if you need us.:hug:

Deb If you pop in for a read, just want to let you know Im thinking about you and hope you ok.

Well im off to clean my bathrooms...wow,(Wed I try to keep busy) Just counting down the days till I can test for myself, I think I'll try next Tuesday before I do bloods on Thurs, waiting, waiting, waiting, my God I need to get a life!!! Anyway I hope all you wonderful girls are having a good one. Try to pop back later and see if anyone is around.xxx

Hi Girls

Just a quick one
Lynn - the braclets have just arrived, and of course I am in tears, although I definately wanted them, I wasn't quite prepared for the emotions that would come with it. They are so beautiful, thankyou so much.

I have decided "finally" to get the photos of Max from the hospital. I have been juggling the idea for a few weeks now, not prepared for what Max will look like, but all the same I now I wil love him. I have wanted to do a photo memorabilia frame that can be hung on the wall next to Shelby's photo's but have been to scared, worried about how others may react. But in the words of my wonderful mother "screw them, if they dont like it they can f@#k off!" (gotta love ya mum for honesty)
So I am now, clutching Max's bracelet in one hand and just about to ring the hospital with the other. My heart is pounding so hard.

OMG, I did it! Going to pick them up at 12.30 today. I am shaking, I really dont know if I am prepared for this.

Oh Clare, Max will be so proud of his mum right now, Im thinking of you and know how brave and strong you are. Your mum is so right who cares what anyone else thinks.....he will always be beautiful in your eyes. Natxx

Clare, I think you will LOVE the photos. Max will look unbelievably perfect and now you will be able to fill your eyes with him. Bravo for deciding to get them! I cherish DD Sophie's photos (17 wks). I don't have them out, they are kept in a special box, but I do show them to people. I've had extra copies made and they are the first thing I'd take if the house burnt down. Lots of Hugs. oooooooooooooo

Clare - I am so happy that the bracelets arrived. I guess when you first receive them, it can be a bit emotional. Max's bracelet is so little, just like Coopers. I hope now that they can bring you some comfort and you can take them with you tomorrow for your scan. I'm sure Max's photo is absolutely beautiful and good on you for getting them. I think that it is beautiful that you are going to put Max's photo next to Shelby's.

Today has been a day of mixed emotions.

My mum came over and finished making some curtains for Cooper's room. They look beautiful and finish the room off. We were supposed to do this before he was born, but he came a little early and we hadn't quite got them finished. They are finished now and the room looks perfect. I just wish that Cooper was here to see his room complete.

I received the call from the crematorium to say that Cooper's plaques have arrived. I wasn't prepared for the phone call as they weren't supposed to be ready yet. I'm just not ready to let him go again. I like to have him at home, it makes me feel like he is here. DH said that he can stay here until I am ready to take him to his new home. I just don't know if I will ever be ready. The crematorium said that they will put the plaques in place and we can take him there whenever we are ready. I just don't want to say goodbye again........................

Guys Max is beautiful! I picked up the photo's just after lunch and opened them straight away. They have even put a little nappy on him for the photos and he is laying on his blanket that we bought him the day he was born. I don't think they are photo's I will share with people, they may shock some as obviously he was very early, but I have some closure now.

Now in my mind and heart, Max is my little boy, he has been now for nearly 4 months, I have grieved for my son, buried him and thought about him every day, but we got confirmation today, that the amnio doctor stuffed up and Max is actually a girl! I haven't told my DP yet, but I dont really have any choice, they wrapped Max in a pink blanket for the photos.

I automatically thought, Oh my god, what if the amnio doctor stuffed up my results as well, what if Max was perfect! But I know from the ultrasound and in my gut that he was unwell.

I was prepared for this, I am not angry. We had a suspicion a while ago they had stuffed up but decided to dismiss it as a typo. Just really emotional now, I really am not prepared to say goodbye to my son and then grieve losing my daughter.

Lynn - I am thinking of you today. Big hugs. xxx

Oh Clare I am so happy that you got the photos and you can see how beautiful your little angel is. The photos are a precious reminder of your angel and they are beautiful memories. Don't feel bad about not showing people the photos. We don't show people photos of Cooper, they are for me and DH only.

It must be so hard to have grieved for 4 months for your son and now to start griveing for your daughter. My thoughts are with you and your DP. I'm just glad that it wasn't a complete suprise to you and that you were prepared for this news.

In regards to the bracelets, if you would like me to change the blue to pink, I would be more than happy to - whatever you are most comfortable with or whatever you would like me to do.

Take care and big :hug:

Clare: I am so proud of you for having the courage to collect the pictures of your daling little Max. You know what, I am with your Mum, if you want to put the pictures up on your wall you go for it, Max is your child and nothing can ever take that away. If they don't like it, they can leave. I also respect the decision if you don't want to show anyone. When I first lost Harrison I wanted to show everyone, he was my son so like any other Mum I wanted people to acknowledge him. Now I don't share them so much, I have a full copy in a photo album in my purse and also a copy of CD that I take with me everywhere. You have done so well sweetie, I hope this has helped you on the path to healing. Good luck with your scan tomorrow, I can't wait to hear all about it.

Lynn: What a wonderful mother you are to Cooper and what a special Grandmother he has. I know it must have been so difficult for you and your mum to put up those curtains today, but you have given your son such a precious gift of a wonderful nursery filled with love. :hug: to you babe.

Dream: Thanks for the wishes babe. I know, I know I should have listened to all you wise women but the freakout mode just took over. As soon as the doctor said there was a heartbeat I started stressing about the next scan. How is that cleaning going, you don't want to pop over and do my bathroom aswell, I agree that is a crappy job (pun intended) I have everything crossed for this Tuesday hun, sending you the biggest :stickyvibesboy:

Mel: How are you doing sweetie? I am glad that work was ok but I can understand why you were a bit upset that they didn't acknowlege what Monday meant to you. I think people don't know what to say so instead of using that thing on the shoulders, they just pretend like nothing has happened. Just know that I am thinking of you. Oh an yummo about the Iced Choccie, boy do I want one right now, but it is fruit for me tonight, need to do the groceries so the fridge is a little bare.

Me well, I had a little bit of pink coloured CM this morning but nothing since. I am feeling heaps better but now freaking out about next tuesdays scan. I think I am going to ask for a scan up until I can feel bubba move. Paranoid I know but I think it is what I need to do.

Well a huge thanks to all your support and encouragment over the last few days. You guys are amazing and even though each one of you has your own tragic story to tell, you have been kind enough to reach out to me. For that I am forever grateful.

Huge huggles

Luv Spring

Hi Girls,

Clare - I am so happy for you that you collected Max's pictures. I didn't think I wanted Asha's pics, I thought it would be too hard, and it was, but now they are my greatest treasure, I just wish I had more. I am not sure what to say about the mix up with the sex, but I hope you are OK about it and I am glad it didn't come as a complete surprise to you. I too throughout my entire pregnancy had a gut feeling that Asha was not OK even when the docs said everything was fine. I am wishing you the best of luck tommorrow with your scan.

Mel - I am glad you are feeling a little better, it's such a rollercoaster this whole thing isn't it?

Lynn - I'm so happy that you got Coopers room all finished. And I don't think you should have to say goodbye to him yet, take your time and do it when you are ready. I only just picked up Asha's urn from my mums house on friday, I had been too scared to do it until then. I was dreading it, but now it is such a relief to have her home. We have decided that the right thing for us at the moment is to keep her here with us. Just take your time and make the decision when you are ready.

Spring - Vicious circle huh? You have a good scan which relieves you for a couple of hours and then you will freak out til the next one. I know that is exactly how i would be too. I am sure that tuesdays one will be just as successful, and try to get a pic to show us all next week.

Dream - Thanks for your word yesterday and also for the OB info, I am going to start looking into all that soon.

Well, don't have too much to say, I have been stuffing lolly bags all night for DS's birthday party on sunday. What started as a little gathering seems to have snow-balled into the social event of the year:rolleyes: so I have been flatout. As I said, we only just bought Asha home last week, and as sad as it was, it really is good to have her here with us. I wish I did it earlier. Also, after lots of deliberation and research DP and I have decided to officially start TTC this month. :D My doctor at the hospital said to wait 6 months because I had a cesarean, but it seems too long, so I have talked to a friend of a friend who is a midwife, and she said that that is a standard line the hospital uses and is more to do with emotional healing than physical. My GP said I am good to go, I am healed well. Physically, all went perfectly with the op and I feel excellent, emotionally, I know I am ready, it will be hard now, but I doubt it will be much easier in 3 more months. And hey, if Britney Spears can have two C's in 12 months, so can I!! :lol: So I can join you all legit now. Yay!!

Hey everyone,

Clare - thinking of you today. Let us know how you go with the scan.

Bailey - welcome aboard - officially!!! That is great that you are TTC and can join us on this journey. I wish you every success and hope that you get your BFP very soon :hug: Have fun on Sunday - sounds like you will have a very full house!

Spring - hope you are ok and not stressing too much for Tuesday's scan. I know it is easy for me that say that and I know I will be just like you when I finally get there.

Nat - how are your bathrooms???? I need to do mine - think it will be a tomorrow job. I am off the the Stitches and Craft show today at Rosehill with the MIL. Sorry I'm a bit of a crafty nerd and like to make things like jewellery and handbags. My next project is Cooper's scrapbook but I have no idea where to start so hopefully someone today can help me. I also wouldn't mind learning mozaics (sp???) All these things help to keep me busy which is the main thing. Have you tested yet?

Jo - in case you are reading the posts, just want you to know that I am thinking of you. Hope you are ok :hug:

Mel - how are you going? I hope work is treating you ok.

Hi to everyone else.

Well I better go and get ready for my day out, I'll pop in later. (let's not hope it is baby's day out like last time I decided to venture out of the house!!!!!)

Just got back from scan, baby now measures exactly to my dates, 9w4d so we have made up 5 days in 3 weeks! Of course we cried, especially seeing bubs dancing around the screen, waving his / her little arms about. I will download the photos when I work out how so you can all have a look. I have also had to change my NT scan to 28th Feb instead of 7th March due to the change in due date.

I hope you are all well. Thanks for your support over the last few weeks / months, you have all been amazing.

Clare I am so glad the scan went well and you got to see your little bubba. Would love to see the photos. Big :hugs:

:dance: Yay Clare!!
Glad to hear bubs is doing well.

Hi y'all

Just a quick post tonight

Clare: :confetti: I am so happy that the bub is well. Catching up 5 days is awesome. Yippiee

Lynn: I hope your day out went well. I would love to be a crafty person but I am pretty much hopeless. Some friends and I started a craft group which after 30 mins would turn into a gossip and cake group. Seriously though, I hope it was a nice day for you.

Bailey: Wow, congratulations on making the decision TTC. It sounds like it is the perfect decision for you and DH. I really hope this is a short journey for you.

All you other wonderful women, I hope you are doing well. I am really exhausted tonight so off to bed for an early night.

Take care my sweets.

Luv Spring.

Clare - That is fantastic your scan went so well, I had a look at the scan and he/she looks so tiny... but still cute. Shelby is a gorgeous little girl, I don't know if her page has always been there as a link but I haven't seen her before. I am so pleased that you picked up Max's photos, and I hope they bring you some joy out of such sadness.

Lynn - Hope you had fun at the stitches and craft market today and that it was reasonably baby-less.

Spring - Hope you are feeling relaxed and not stressing too much.

Bailey - Glad to hear you have decided to TTC, wishing you a bfp very soon.

Hi to everyone else.

Mel :)

Hi Mel

Sorry babe, I must have just missed your post. How are you tonight babe? Whenever there is a short post from you I get worried.

Are you Ok?

I hope you are alright mate, take care

Luv Spring

Hey Spring,

Am I that see through? lol :rolleyes: I am ok, just life is getting harder every day and anyway you know how it is. I hope you have a nice sleep, rest plenty for you and your special little miracle :)

Mel

Hi everyone
I have posted a link to both shelby's home page and a new one I just created for splodge. They are both very basic at the moment as I have only downloaded one photo to each but I will work on it more.

I just wanted to take some time to thank each and everyone of you for the tremendous support you have given me since I lost Max. I am now ready to take the step to the pregnancy after loss thread, I will continue to keep you all updated on our progress, but I just feel that my ongoing presence in here may start to upset people. This has been by no way implied by anyone, I just feel it's time to move on.

I hope and pray that you all will get your BFP really soon, you are all absolutely terrific women and I will treasure your kindness forever.

Lynn - I am sure you know how much the bracelets meant to me, they will never be out of my sight and have brought me such comfort in the last few days. Again Thankyou.

Mel - stay strong honey, you are a truely amazing mother, I know your little man is watching over you.

Spring - I will be stalking you! I will be keeping an eye on your progress.

To everyone else that I may have forgotten, you are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.

Hugs and kisses to you all
"MWAH"

Clare - Shelby is gorgeous! Splodge is so little but thank you for sharing the photo with us. I am so glad that the bracelets have brought you comfort. You are very welcome. I am just glad that they are able to help you. Helping you, helps me - so thank you :hug:
I am so happy for you that you feel comfortable to join the pregnancy thread. Please make sure that you drop in to see how we are going and to let us know how you are going. I would love to hear the progress of Splodge. I will drop into the pregnancy thread to see how you are going. We are going to miss you....... I can only speak for myself but I'm sure the other girls feel the same way - your presence here has never upset me. In fact it is the opposite. To see someone go through the pain and heartbreak that I have gone through and then to fall pregnant again gives me so much hope and positive vibes and I just hope that one day soon I will be able to join you in the pregnancy thread. Take care..........and don't forget us!

Mel - I hope you are ok babe. If you need to talk, you know where I am. Big :hugs: to you.

Spring - take care of yourself and get plenty of rest. Big :hugs: to you and lil' Spring.

Hi to Nat and Bailey and anyone I have missed.

Well the craft show was good. Got lots of ideas for jewellery and bag making so I better get motivated. I also bought a lead light star that I am going to hang outside my kitchen window so the sun can shine through it. I am a sucker for anything with a star on it!!!! I'll take a photo and add it to Cooper's website so you can see it. There were a few babies around but for some reason it didn't upset me today. Must have been a good day..............what does that hold for tomorrow then?????????

Hope you are all well, take care.

Sweet dreams :bedtime:

Hello there - thanks to all of you who welcomed me on my initial post, I think this is the place to be at the moment.. Can't say I know your stories well yet, but I'm looking forward to having a moment to go back through the posts and get to know you all a bit better. We are off to the beach for the weekend so hopefully that will take my mind off whether AF is going to turn up next week - wish I could say it will be exciting if I do conceive, but really that's when the hard waiting part starts... enough complaining though, I hope you all have a lovely weekend and look forward to reading all your news next week...

Mish