TTC after Late Loss/Recurrent Miscarriage/Stillbirth after the 1st trimester ~Jan #2

OMG!!!! I am sitting here at work in tears :cry: DH and I had an argument on the way to work and I am so angry I could punch something or someone (preferably him). What happened is that I mentioned that I had forgotten to bring the number of the cemetary where Nicholas ashes are so I could call them today to make an appointment to discuss what we are going to do. We don't discuss this very often (last time we did I said I wanted him to come home and he told me NO so I got annoyed at him), I have asked him to call for me a couple of times but he hasn't so I thought I would do it. He said why do we need an appointment I thought we were going to bring him home, so I said yeah we probably will but we can still look at costs for the children's garden before we make a decision. So he said "we haven't got the money for that and it's only a lease of the plot so you can forget about it" - YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT IT - WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He did correct himself immediately afterwards and said that he meant to say WE can forget about it, I told him I didn't care he still said it. I said I wish I didn't have to think about what to do with my sons ashes at all let alone have arguments with him about it. He has apologised several times and says he didn't mean for it to come out that way, and that he just wants to have him home with us where he belongs. But I can't get over it, I am so angry at him! So now I keep thinking about something he said to the psychologist and that is "I think its harder on me than it is on Mel cause I have 3 kids and I take comfort in them whereas she finds it harder". He is right, I think his kids are great but no I don't take comfort in them, they are not my children my only child died and now I have to think about where he will be spending his eternity. I repeated that comment to him and said that maybe he should keep that in mind when he is giving me a hard time, I feel a bit bad about that now cause I think it was maybe harsh like saying he doesn't love Nicholas but that isn't what I meant. Anyway, he knows I am having a hard time why would he put me through this? Am I being oversensitive? Am I losing my mind? I feel like I am :( Now I am stuck at work and all upset, and I can't go home today cause I am covering for my friend at work who is going to her MIL's funeral this afternoon.

Sorry to do this to you all, I just don't know who else to tell cause I am sure everyone gets sick of my whinging. Its like Spring said to me once its like their sympathy has run out.

Mel

Mel - I don't know what to say to cheer you up. I wish I could come down there and take you out of work and give you a big hug :hug: I don't think you are being oversensitive. You have lost your son and now you have to make a decision of where you want him. No-one should have to make that decision and you are not prepared for something like this because you don't think that it could ever happen. I'm sure DH didn't mean to upset you and I can only imagine how hard it is for you guys as he does have other children and your only child is not with you anymore. You are not whinging and I think it is good to let these things out so people like us that understand can help you.

It is a hard decision of where to have our precious angels. I am going through the same thing at the moment. I always wanted Cooper at home with me whereas DH wanted him to have a garden at the crematorium. I love having Cooper at home now and I don't want him to go to his garden. It is a hard decision because it is something that we both have to agree on.

I hope today gets better for you Mel. Take care
Lynn
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Not a good day today. I just feel like everyone is moving on with their lives and have forgotten about me and Cooper. Friends used to ring me all the time and send me text messages just to let me know that they were thinking about me. My three closest friends have children and I know that they have to look after them but I just feel like they have forgotten about me and what I am going through. I just don't know what to do. I am sitting here crying because I don't know if it is because I sit at home all day and maybe the days go longer and therefore I think of things and just think that people don't care anymore...........I don't know what to think. I just feel alone :(

Ok, I'm still crying but I just had a good talk and cry with my best friend and told her exactly how I was feeling but I just didn't want it to come out the wrong way. I told her that I understand that she has kids and has to look after them but I just feel like she has forgotten about me and Cooper. I upset her because she said that she could never forget about me or Cooper and that she looks at his website every day to see if there are any updates and that she thinks about us all the time. I guess because I can't see that I didn't know. I feel a little bit better. She is so understanding but felt really bad that she upset me. I am glad that I had the courage to talk to her about it. She said that it is hard sometimes for her to come and visit because she has to make sure that her DH is home to look after the kids and that her DH wants to come and visit us too because he is my DH good friend too. I feel bad that I have made it difficult for her. She said that she would come over all the time if she could bring the kids but she knows that it is hard and that it is still early days. I started thinking that maybe to help me through this, it might be time for me to see her kids. Her eldest is 4 and is my godson and her youngest is 1. I was just worried that I would see them and just start crying and I didn't want to upset the oldest because he thought that I might be crying because of him. He is at that age that he knows what is going on. I just think if I started with my best friends kids with her and her DH around and my DH that it might start to help me. She doesn't want me to push it as she says that she can see the strength that I have gained and she doesn't want me to go back 10 steps. She aplogised for being a terrible friend and that hurt me when she said that because I don't want her to think that she is a terrible friend because she is a great friend. My emotions are all over the place and I just don't know what to feel. Maybe I was just in need of a good cry.........:crying:

Hi Lynn - I am sorry you are having such an awful day, seems like it's the day for it huh? I know what you mean about feeling like everyone has forgotten, it gets to the point where people stop ringing to see how you are and no even asks you (like when I got back to work on Tuesday). About your friends children, it is a tough one and only you know if and when you are ready to see them. I found it very hard with DH's children at first, and sometimes still do now. As much as I care for them, they are not my own and never will be. As someone who is surrounded by other peoples children all the time my advice would be... In terms of your godson, he is only 1 and therefore you could cry as much as you like and while they can sort of sense your emotions, to a certain degree at that age as long as they have something to play with they are happy. With the 4 year old, as you said they are old enough to understand. Are they aware of what has happened, has their mum explained the situation to them? If so, when you get upset (cause you probably will) just explain to them that you are upset because you miss Cooper, it might start them asking questions but that is ok just answer them as honestly as possible. If they are not aware of what has happened, ask their mum if it is ok to discuss it with them. I assume they were aware you were expecting a baby, so just explain to them i.e. say that you had the baby and you named him Cooper but he had to go to heaven. The finer details are up to you, if you feel you want to share them. DH and I explained it to his 3 children by saying that Nicholas got sick and went to heaven. I guess alot of people would criticise us for "lying" because I guess he wasn't really sick, it was more that there was something wrong with me but we didn't want to tell them that because we thought it would make them worry about me. They have a limited understanding of death and all they really know is that you either get old or you get sick and then you go to heaven, so for us to tell them something other than this would have confused them I feel. We will give them the "real" information when they are older and can understand it. But basically, we did what we felt was in their best interests at the time. I am a big believer in kids need to know the situation, you shouldn't feel compelled to be all happy go lucky around them as if nothing has happened because this is reality, as harsh a reality as it is (I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but ykwim).

Anyway, only you know when the time is right but don't feel scared of what effect you will have on them. They will be ok as long as it is explained why you are upset, you may even find the 4 year old has enough compassion to give you a cuddle and try to comfort you. But, don't push yourself you will be ready when you are ready. You are going through a really tough time and you are entitled to some time.

This probably hasn't helped at all, but I really hope you feel a little better this afternoon.

Take care :hug:

Mel

Ok Mel and Lynn I just want to reach through this computer screen and give you both the stongest hug I can.

Lynn: You should go back and read some of my posts and Mel's posts about feeling forgotten. We went through exactly the same thing. I felt like I had been forgotten and put in the too hard basket. Out of sight out of mind. There were people that I had known my entire life who seemed to drop of the face of the planet, at first I was upset and then I got angry, really angry :angry: I thought to myself, I am a great friend, I have helped so many girlfriends through there trivial little problems like crap boyfriends and where are they now for me. I was a bit of a coward and ended up sending an email to all of them before moving to Sydney. I was astonished at some of the responses. It made me realise that my friends were honestly scared of calling me because they didn't know what to say. A poor excuse in my eyes but I got some of the most heartfelt replies to my email that it made me realise Harrison did matter to them and that we hadn't been forgotten.

I think you have done the best thing talking to your friend. Honesty, although really difficult, is definately the best policy. About seeing your friend's kids, that is totally up to you. I agree with Mel that as far as the 4 year old is concerned, it would be better if his Mum could explain to him what has happened. Perhaps if we as adults were more honest with children about death, they wouldn't grow up to be adults that are frightened of it and don't know what to say. Just take your time though honey, and if you cry, don't feel bad. I think kids have more emotional maturity then we give them credit for so just be yourself.

Mel: Sweetie pie, I am so sorry you an DH had a fight. The stress that you are going through really puts strain on a relationship. You are right, it shouldn't be a decision that you should have to make about where your son's ashes will be. It is crap, unfair and a lot of other words I can't use on BB. I don't know if it is a little bit sexist, but I think you as Nicholas' mother has right of veto about what to do with his ashes. I am not saying that a father is any less important, but you are his mummy and you need to do what is best in your heart. Can you change you mind down the track if you want to bring him home? Harrison is sitting on our dressing table with your neckace, teddy bears, photos and his box of memories. Initially DH wasn't so keen about having him in the bedroom because of when we BD, but I said that he is my son, and I want him near to me when Matt is away. I give him a big sloppy kiss every morning and talk to him every day. It is such a personal decision that only you know what is right for you. Take your time honey. I know that DH loves you to bits so don't be too angry at him. Trust me I know how stupid men can be sometimes. He has Valentines day to make it up to you big time.

Clare: I am so proud that you have the courage to join the Pregnancy thread. I am too scared to even make a pregnancy announcement yet so I really admire you. I hope you pop in and I will continue to stalk the Pregnancy thread, until I am happy to join. I think after my scan on Tuesday I will pluck up the courage.

Mish: I hope you have a wonderful time at the beach. I am sorry that you have had to join this thread but I look forward to getting to know you.

Well me, I have had a dull pain in my lower back on the right hand side, well actually it is almost in my bum. I had an occupational therapist visit me at work yesterday and she adjusted my seat/desk so that would explain it. It definately isn't cramps so hopefully after a restful night it will go away. I plucked up the courage today to make an appointment with a Psychiatrist. His name is Dr. Blows (lol) and he specialises in pregnancy loss and Post Natal Depression, I hope he is worth the $265. My new ob wants me to see him regularly and DH will come once he gets back. It isn't until 22 Feb so hopefully it helps.

Oh well all my special ladies, I will check in just before bed to make sure you are all ok.

I think a day like today calls for a :grouphug:

Luv Spring

Hey Spring,

Feeling a little better tonight, worked out the problems with DH. He says he just choses his words badly and he finds it hard when I start getting upset cause he can't think under pressure and just digs his hole deeper. I told him that he should make sure he thinks before he speaks because I look to him for support and it makes life harder to think I don't have it. Anyway, I got over it - life is too short huh? And, he rang this afternoon to say he had called the cemetary and made an appointment for Saturday 21 Feb, and that he does want to bring Nicholas home and we will buy a nice urn. One that won't smash if the youngest of his kids happens to get to it. He said he is really worried she will get to it and either break it or tip it over and the ashes will spill out. So I want to ask them if they put the ashes in something else inside the urn cause I would be devastated if that happened. I think he is trying to make it better.

More dramas though, our business has bought a new computer (so excited, a really fancy speedy one with a massive hard drive) and organised to give this one to DH's mum and we were told earlier in the week it would be ready yesterday so DH rang his mum and said we would take it over tomorrow. So we go there tonight to pick it up and it wasn't ready :angry: They tried to tell us Monday but I cracked it and said get it ready earlier than that or cancel the sale, they very quickly changed it to tomorrow afternoon - funny how things change huh. Plus they are throwing in a bluetooth mouse for DH's notebook for the inconvenience.

Going to get my hair cut tomorrow, with colour and foils (courtesy of MIL's birthday money :)) so big dilemna is whether I go for blonde or bright red foils, I like both. Also, DH said he will take me to PP and movies tomorrow night. So hopefully it will be a good weekend :pray:

Your psychologist is charging the same as mine does, you get about $120 back from Medicare, but when you reach your safety net you would get more. With all those scans and everything it will be in no time. I hope you find it helpful, I am still debating whether I go back to mine or not. I worry sometimes that I am just too tough on people lately so maybe she is more helpful than I think. I know I definitely need to keep seeing someone cause my mind is not "right". LOL at his name though, hehe. My psychologist said it was necessary for DH to come with me, I wanted him to though and was a bit disappointed when she said that. Mind you the initial outlay can be tricky, especially after having only just moved states! That's not good about your back, I hope you are right and that with a good nights sleep it goes away.

I hope you are ok with DH away this weekend - thank god for Frank and Vinnie. Do you have any nice plans? If you want some verbal interaction let me know and I will give you a buzz (my turn this time I think).

By the way, I just have to say it is really weird to look at the '30' next to Me on my sig :redface:

Oh and also I put in another order with Fertility Naturopath yesterday, I ordered 50 pregnancy tests, the rate I am going it is gonna take long enough to use them all. I didn't order ovulation tests cause they just frustrate me and I figured I have been testing ovulation for about 4 cycles now and have ovulated on the same day each time so chances are more than good that it won't change... is that right?

Thanks Spring and Mel :grouphug: I know that you guys have gone through the exact same feelings I go through (I'm just a few weeks behind). I guess sometimes it helps to put it in writing and get things off my chest.

I spoke with my friend again and she is coming over this afternoon with her DH and kids. She said that she will ring me before they come just to make sure that I am ready. I think that I am. I think I need to do this. She has explained to the 4 year old so he knows that I lost Cooper. When I was pregnant he used to say that I was having a boy, called Glenn! I don't know where he got the name from but at least he guessed the gender as everyone else said girl (I knew it was a boy but then again I am the mummy and I know ;) ) Anyway, I'll you know how I go.

Well yesterday the plaque arrived for Cooper's memorial garden at home. So his garden is complete. Now we just have to watch the plants grow. We also went to the crematorium and his plaques have been put into his garden. Our surname plaque is on the headstone and then his plaque with the southern cross motif is on a granite base in the garden. I didn't really get that upset when I saw it I guess because I know that he isn't there yet. It was kind of weird reading it though............

Spring - how's your bum! lol I hope it is ok now that they have fixed your chair. I hope seeing the Psychiatrist helps you - love the name!

Mel - I didn't realise you could claim Psychiatrist bills through Medicare. That is good to know seeing as though I have spent over $400!!! I'm glad that you sorted out things with DH. I don't know if this is something you want to do but when we take Cooper back to the crematorium they will put his ashes into a bronze box (it weighs a ton!). This has been engraved with his name and his little 'shine bright quote'. This will then be put into his garden and his plaque will be placed over the top. Maybe you could ask if they could put Nicholas' ashes in a bronze box and then into an urn. This way if the kids did happen to drop the urn the bronze box is so tough that it was smash. Just a thought............
The 30 on your sig doesn't look bad at all. OMG! I have to change mine too soon :doh: I stocked up on the OPK - I have bought just enough for this cycle because I have decided that this is it! This is the cycle - positive thinking, hope it helps. :pray:
Hope your hair looks good - what colour did you end up going? Have fun at the movies.

Nat - I hope you are well. Probably busy as always (lol) I'll speak to you soon.

Hi to everyone else. Have a good weekend.

Take care & best wishes
Lynn
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Hey gals

Mel: There is nothing better than a new do to make a girl feel better. I hope it worked. What did you end up going with, blonde bits or red bits? I absolutely love getting my hair done, it is such a treat. I'm glad things worked out with DH and that he made an appointment for the 21st. Although it is something no mother should ever have to do, it will be nice when you have finally made your decision. We have Harrison in a solid bronze urn with an engraved bronze plaque. It weighs a tone and cost about $700 but it is fire proof and there is no way it is every going to break. If you dropped it you would more likely break the floor. I am not sure if the creamatorium you are going to have that option but if not I am sure they could find one for you. That way your would never have to worry about the little one getting her hands on it.

Did you get everything with the computer sorted out? I hope so, it is such a bother when you have to worry abour incompetent people but don't let it get to you too much.. About my psychiatrist, I just checked the notes I wrote down when speaking to the receptionist and apparently I get $195.50 back on Medicare. I hope what I wrote down is correct, to be honest, I really need it so I will find the money.

Lynn: I hope this afternoon with your friends and her kids goes well. I think you might be surprised how much a distraction it can be having people to talk to. I hope that it isn't too upsetting for you and that you have a positive experience.

Thanks for asking about my bum (lol) it is a lot better today and the twinge feeling has gone. I think it is because I am actually sitting properly at work for once. I have a tendancy to slouch so any adjustment is going to put strain on different bits I suppose. I haven't done anything too strenous today, cleaning the bathroom was about as energetic as I got so hopefully by tomorrow I will be better. I am with you sister about the positive thinking this cycle, I am going to be sending heaps of positive vibes your way.

I hope both you Mel and Lynn get that BFP this cycle. I can't wait to share this journey with both of you amazing women.

Hey just a question, I don't know if you guys realised but Kirsty is no longer our moderator? Do you know who is our new moderator? They haven't introduced themselves so if you are out there we would love to meet you. I might go and have a look at the start of the thread after I have posted to see if it says there.

Anyway, have a nice saturday night, I have a major craving for softdrink that I have been putting off all day. I just can't stop thinking about lemonade and fanta. It is weird because I rarely drink softdrink. I feel so sick in the tummy that I think I am going to give in and treat myself to a lemonade. I hope it works.

Hugs and cuddles to all

Luv Spring

I just checked the start of the thread and it says the moderators are

Kirsty
Flowerchild
Tiggy, and
Cailin

Well Kirsty isn't anymore, Flowerchild hasn't been here in about 2 months and I have never read a post from Tiggy or Cailin so perhaps we have been dumped :( Only kidding but it would be nice to hear from them once in a while, I like hearing from my mummy moderators. Big sook I know but I miss Kirsty and Flowerchild.

If you are out there, don't be strangers, I hope you and your families are well.

Love Spring

Hi Girls

Clare: I was glad to hear that all is well with little splodge and great that you got the extra 5 days, that always helps!

Mel Hope things are looking up, I do wish we were all closer (living) so we could just go I need a coffee and meet or something but as I have said before those things that dot kill us make us stronger and Spring is right the lose of a child is so challenging on a relationship, we just need to take time and work through it, my DH as good as he is, finds it hard to voice things the right way, I think its a male thing! I hope your weekend has been relaxing and your hairs im sure looks great what colour did you go?

Spring Im so glad your feeling so tired......in a good way its such a great sign! I hope your time is passing fast, when is your next scan?

Lynn Im so sorry your feeling like this at the moment, I do wish I could just give you a big hug and make it all better, you know you can call me anytime even though I havnt been here I thinking about you (and all the girls here) Im just trying to keep busy to make time pass......not that its working! The craft show sounded wonderful, did they have scapbooking stuff out there, any good ideas?

Mish Nice to hear from you, I hope you can join us more.

Bailey Hows everthing going?

As I said Ive been trying to keep busy, I have this very empty feeling deep down that this is not going to be a good month, I dont think Im pregnant............which means thats it. Sorry girls I hate being so negative but S#@%........it just sucks, everyday I take a whole lot of tablets from the time i wake up till just before going to bed, insert 1 perg supp morning and night, inject a needle to thin my blood,put on 15extra kilos, and look hay presto..............nothing, nothing. I know life was not meant to be easy but this hard to do something "so natural" :wall:

I going to go I think I need a walk some freash air or something or just go back to bed and wake up on a better side!!!! Sorry

anyway I do hope you have all had a great weekend or even just relaxed, hopfully next time I get on here my head will be a little happier.

Dream: Oh sweetie, I had no idea that you go through so much day to day. I can't imagine how you must just get fed up with that routine. You are entitled to feel negative, but don't give up on a BFP just yet. When is AF due? I am going to absoultely cover you in baby dust. I hope that you feel better after a walk. Take care honey, I think you are Amazing.

Well it has been kinda quiet in here. I guess I keep forgetting that people actually have lives unlike me :( Poor me I know, I am just missing DH like mad. I swear I have the most high maintenance dogs in the world. It has basically been storming on and off since last night and poor little Frank gets totally freaked out. He just won't sit still and whines like the sky is falling the entire time. He gets so worked up that he pants like crazy and looks like he is going to hyperventilate. Even if he is inside with me, he still gets worked up. We call him chicken little because he honestly thinks the sky is falling. Well I spent the entire night trying to reassure him it wasn't the end of the world. When DH is here he tells him to cut it out and he stops, well with me, I just don't have the same effect and he goes on like an absolute maniac. I know I treat my dogs like my children but they are my family so high maintenance or not, I love them. I just don't want him to freak out and give himself a heart attack. Poor little chicken little.

Apart from that nothing to report. I have been feeling nauseous on and off but nothing I can't handle. I sort of had a breakdown on the phone to DH last night and he has promised that no matter how much work he has to do, he is going to come home on weekends. It makes me feel so much better. He has a huge test tomorrow which they have to get 80% just to pass, so after that he will be mine on weekends again. I know I have gone on a bit about myself but apart from talking to my crazy dogs, this is the only interaction I have really had. Well apart from chatting to my big sis this morning. She is in Brissy and was amazing when we lost Harrison. The things she did for us and still does I will never forget. Anyway it is really hard talking to her because she doesn't know I'm UTD. The reason I haven't told her is because I don't want to break her heart again if something goes wrong. So I have to be really careful when talking to her that I don't slip up. Anyway, she wants to plan a holiday with me later in this year, sort of hard to seem excited when hopefully I won't be going anywhere because of the bub. Oh well, she is going to do some reseach into either NZ or TAS and let me know the costs. I now it is a little deceitful but I know she won't care once I tell her I am not going and why. I won't let it get so far as booking, only 4 weeks before my 12 week scan and then I can tell her.

Well I really have been going on so if you have made it this far through my boring post congrats.

I'll pop in later to see if anyone else has visited. Although it will be early to bed for me and the puppies to make up for last night.

Luv Spring

I know it is stupid and supersitious but I just realised I was at 213 posts so I wanted to get to 214.

Crazy, I know :confused:

LoL Spring

Hi
Sorry I have not really been posting since my original post a couple of weeks ago - things have been very tough recently and I am still coming to terms with what has happened.

Spring Angel - I know what you mean about your dogs being your family - our dog is very high maintanence but we could not do without her. She is terrified of storms and we have had quite a few lately so she has jumped the fence and run away 3 times in the last two weeks. Fortunately we have got her back with minor cuts and bruises - we are going to try to desensitize her to the noise and hopefully will stop her trying to run away!!

I have read through all the posts but am finding it hard to know how to respond at the moment - please bear with me and I will be more chatty soon I am sure.

T.

Hi Tess

Nice to see that you are back hun.. Don't feel like you have to do personals and catch up on everyone, I'm just glad that your back.

You mentioned the last few weeks have been tough, I hope you are doing a little bit better. Just take your time mate, until then just know that we are all here for you.

PS I get the award for Thread HOG today. (lol)

Nat you know I am thinking of you :hug: I wish so much that this is your month. Please don't give up on your BFP until the wicked witch sings. I wish I could stop her from visiting you, you deserve a BFP so much. How was your walk? Anyway I will chat to you tomorrow. Maybe we can cheer each other up.

Spring - remember I am just around the corner or just at the end of the phone if you ever need a chat or want to catch up. I don't want you to feel alone especially when your family don't know that you are UTD so you can't talk to them. Just know that I am here for you. That is great that DH will come home on weekends. I hope the week goes fast for you so DH will be home before you know it. Sounds like your boys are keeping you busy. Poor Frank - I hope he is ok today. My girls are pretty good with storms, it doesn't really bother them. I know exactly what you mean about treating them like your kids. I do it and I think some people think I am weird sometimes. I don't care, they are my girls and they help me through each day. And you can talk to them and they listen but don't talk back!!!

Tess - welcome back. Hope to see more of you. Just know that we are all here for you when you are ready to talk.

Well I went to my friends place and it wasn't as bad as I thought. I got upset when I got there and that was just hugging my friend and her DH! It was just nice to get hugs. The 1 year old was running around and didn't really know what was going on. The 4 year old was in trouble for something he had done before we got there so he was hiding in his room. He eventually came out and said hi Aunty Lynnie and that was it. It was weird, I didn't really feel anything when I saw the kids. I didn't feel sad but I didn't feel happy. I don't know what I felt. DH started playing cricket with the 4 year old and it sort of made me upset because I wished that he had his own son to play with (not that Cooper would be able to play cricket yet but ykwim). I thought I was doing ok until we were leaving and I justed started thinking that Cooper and the 1 year old could have been playing buddies as they are closer in age than his brother. I also wished that my friend had the chance to meet Cooper and hold him and see how beautiful he is. I am just glad that I got through this next step and I'm glad that the kids helped with this because they didn't really say anything to me about Cooper.

My mum's cousin arrived from England today and we met them out at Cooper's garden at the crematorium. Although he isn't there yet they wanted to see it. It is so hard when you see someone for the first time after something like this has happened because you feel like you go back to the beginning because you start talking about everything. Don't get me wrong, I love talking about Cooper but I always get so upset. They then came back to our place and saw Cooper's memorial garden and everything else that we have done and it was nice to show people.

Hi
Having a tough day today - came back to work last Thursday and was doing okay but this weekend has been a roller-coaster ride and today is just not getting any better. Went to meet my DH for lunch today and the waitress (who we see every week) said "How's the baby?" - I just froze and said "we lost him". I felt awful as though I had carelessly lost my car keys or something. I am sure she felt bad too but why don't people think before they say anything!! Sorry I did not mean to blurt all this out but I am so upset today I cannot concentrate - my poor DH is finding it hard too and it doesn't help him that I keep crying all the time. When will this start to get easier??

Sorry ladies I just needed to write all this down - I am not asking for answers just trying to clarify things in my own head.

Thanks, T.

Well hello Gorgeous women!

Firstly I would like to explain my absence from my beloved BB! I have actually been around but not posting since early Jan. Many of you know my story but for those newbies that don't I have had five angels in trying for our 5th child.

When on holiday's my husband expressed his fears of another pregnancy and his concerns that he may not be able to "do it" again (pregnancy that is!). This truly devastated me though I understood and honoured his right to feel as he did. Anyway we/he have been having counselling to help come together with a resolution. It has been really harrowing for me - wanting so much to have another child yet also being aware of my partners needs also. I am sure you all get it but it's been tough. So I made the decision to stay clear for a while while we sort through. I felt the need to be 'alone' with this until a resolution could be reached.
My husband has come to a place where he will support another pregnancy. YIPPPEEE! We have agreed though should I have another mid tri loss then we will not try again. I am comfortable with this. I guess he needed to know there was an end in sight. However, I am CERTAIN that next time we will hold a live, pooing, hollering baby at the end!

I am sure you will all understand. As a Moderator I do feel I need to keep it together a bit and I haven't been feeling so together. I have been watching from afar but I needed to look after me for a while. Think of it as a little bit of stress leave!

I am not going to try and do personals - as there is way too much news to catch up on.

Due to our "discussions" I didn't do Clomid this cycle and next cycle my husband is going to be over seas unless he can work some magic and change some dates. Sooo I will be waiting a while by the looks (sad face here!).

Any way gorgeous ones it's good to be back! :hug:

Tess, I am so sorry that you are having a bad day. Unfortunately people do say things to us that we find insensitive. I hope she hasn't upset you too much but I know what it is like to say those words to people. I remember having to tell someone that we lost Cooper and it was so hard. You don't know how to say it and you just want the world to swallow you up so you don't have to answer the question.

I would ask the same questions as you - does it get any easier. I would read posts from Spring and Mel, who lost their boys a few months before me and think how strong they are and how they can support so many people after what they have been through and I thought I could never be in that position. I could never be that strong. But they would say to me that it does get easier as you learn to live with it. I have found that over the weeks I have got stronger and that is thanks to the wonderful women on this forum that have supported me through this. Some days feel as raw as day 1 but I have learnt to live with the pain. The pain doesn't go away. It hurts like hell every day because every day I miss Cooper and wish so much that he was here, just like you wish that Thomas was here. You have lost all the hopes and dreams for Thomas as I have for Cooper and I think that is the hardest thing.

You will start to go through all sort of emotions that you will ask yourself are these normal. Most of them will be normal but the best advice I can give you is to write down what you are feeling and tell us what you are feeling because we have all gone through it and it is completely normal and we can help you. I know I was thinking that I was so alone and that no-one else has gone through what I am going through but unfortunately there are many of us that are going through the same pain but fortunately we can all support each other through it. By writing here and telling the girls how I was feeling and them responding that it was normal made me feel so much better because I realised I wasn't alone.

One thing I found out is that men and women grieve differently. I think understanding this helps. I wanted my DH to cry every time I cried. I wanted him to talk to Cooper every time I did. I wanted him to come to the counsellor with me. I didn't think that he was grieving like me and I wondered if he missed Cooper as much as I did. I hate myself for even thinking that now. I know that my DH misses Cooper just as much as I do, he is as much a son to DH as he is to me. My DH gets upset at different things but I know that he grieves for Cooper it is just different to me. You need to cry, it is part of grieving. Your DH will find it hard because he has lost his son, but if you need to cry, cry.

You are probably thinking that it can't get easier because it hurts so much but just remember that we are all here for you and will help you every step of the way. The support that I have received from these wonderful women have helped me so much. I just hope that I am able to support them and you.

I can't imagine how hard it is for you to go back to work, because I still haven't done it. I just can't. This little step just shows how much strength you have. Sending you and your DH the biggest :hug: and I hope today gets a little better for you.

Take care and best wishes
Lynn
xxxxxxx

Hey Deb,

I am so glad to see that you are back. I totally understand the need for 'you' time. I'm so happy that it gave you and your DH time to discuss what you are going to do next and that you have come to a conclusion that you are both happy with.

I hope so much that this time is your time and that you do get to hold your pooing, screaming miracle.

Totally understand you not doing personally - we can talk!! so there is so much to catch up on.

Welcome back!
Take care & best wishes
:heartbeat: Lynn

Thankyou Lynn...

Your words to Tess were so very understanding and wise. It does take time. That time is different for us all and the journey is different for us all. Some days you will feel "hey I am doing great" and others you won't feel you can move from your bed.

I hope Tess that you are feeling a little more okay. It is so very hard when people ask us how the baby is... In time you will be able to answer without bursting into tears. You will. But for now you need those tears so you let them go my love...

Tess: Sweetie pie, be easy on yourself, it has only been a month. I know it will feel like a lifetime ago, but you are still at that really raw stage of grief. As Lynn says, still there are some days that are raw and others not so bad, but the best advice I can give you is not to push yourself to far to soon. Are you working full time? Can you afford to work a little less? I admire you so much for having the courage to go back to work so soon. It took me over 3 months to go back to work and I still feel totally overwhelmed. I saw a collegue from Queensland today, and although I am sure he thought he was being discrete, he kept staring at my empty tummy. I got so upset because I hadn't seen him since before I had Harry.

I am glad that you have been posting your thoughts though. We are all here for you and although there are sometimes when words are just not enough, just know that we are here for you. Yet again, Lynn is right, writing what is going around and around in your mind is really quite theraputic. My DH is such a wonderful sensitive man, but his tears dried up a long time before mine. I wanted him to be as sad as me, because I thought being sad meant showing it physically but then I would catch him giving Harry's urn a kiss, or saying 'morning mate' when he woke up and realised that it was just as tough on him, he just processes his emotions differently.

I don't know if it gets easier, if you go and read some of my posts from a few months ago you would probably think that I have come so far, but I think the best way I can explain it is that the way you express your grief changes. I find I am getting very anxious and stressed out, Harry's birth keeps running through my head so I have finally decided to get some professional help. It has taken me over 4 months to even feel close to ready to talk to someone. What I am getting at is I think in retrospect, the earlier you ask for help, the better.

Just know that no matter what, you will always have our compassion and understanding. Hang in there babe.

FLOWERCHILD: :confetti: I for one am so happy you are back Flowerchild, you are our Mummy moderator and I have really missed you so much. I respect your decision to have some time out, and I am so very happy that you have come to a decision with DH which you have obviously put a lot of thought and emotion into. Welcome back (she says smiling)

Mel: Are you ok hun, you have been a little quiet in here lately, I hope you are ok. Let me know how you are going.

Dream, Mish, Bailey and all you other wonderful women, I hope you are ok. Take care my wonderful women.

Well me, I have another scan tomorrow, I can't wait to see that strong little 8 week 3 day heartbeat pumping away (see positive thinking) I keep thinking 'what if it happens again' but I can't let myself think that. This baby will be ok and I will be holding them in my arms soon. I am really excited about this weekend. DH is taking me to Taronga Zoo on Saturday as a belated Valentines day. I am such an animal fan so I am as excited as can be to be seeing him and hanging out at the Zoo.

Well early to bed again.

Take care my sweeties.
Love Spring

Hey Gals, I hope everyone is well.

Spring - You are so right about how men grieve diferently. I know that my DP is still having a hard time but you would really never know it because he hides it well and sometimes when I want to talk about it with him, he won't and that upsets me more. But then and different times I will catch him having a look at the urn or just quietly staring off into space and I know he thinking about her. I know he is feeling the same as me, but I think he hides it for me iykwim. He's trying to be the tough one. I just sat here and bawled when I read in your post how your DH says good morning to Harrison, it's so sweet. Have you been to Taronga Zoo yet? You will love it! Good luck with your scan tommorrow and try to get a pic to show us all on sunday.

Lynn - It's so hard having to go through everything again when you see someone you haven't seen since isn't it? I sometimes feel like a broken record, or like I'm on auto-pilot and go into a script telling my story. I am so glad you were ok after spending the day with your friends and the kids, it must have been hard. I hope you are feeling ok.

Dream - Don't gove up on a BFP just yet, when is AF due?? :crossfingers: for you!!

Well, I haven't been on much this last week. I have just had such a huge 10 days or so, so I was feeling a little over-whelmed. I had to see the geneticist, started back at work, went to a friends wedding where I had to see many people that I hadn't seen since losing Asha and had my son's party yesterday. There has been so much going on I just realised that life is still going on around me, but I sometimes feel like I am standing still iykwim?? Does anyone else feel that sometimes? Well, a new start this week, and my first week of ttc, so that has given me something to look forward too. I hope you are all well.

Hi Girls

Im sorry to be a downer, just a quick one did a test this morning and big fat BFN. I will post later .

Deb Im so glad your back and all is good missed you lots.

Hi ladies
Thank you all so much for your kind words - I have sat and cried my eyes out all morning reading them but crying for a different reason (if that makes sense).

I could have taken more time off work but did not want to sit at home on my own - all our family live in the UK so it is only DH and me in Australia. Never thought it would be a problem but feeling like it is at the moment. Still I have an office on my own so I can shut the door and shut out the world at the same time.

Good luck with your scan Spring Angel - looking forward to hearing about that heartbeat.

Bailey - hope work was okay for you this week - it is tough isn't it but as you say life goes on. I feel like I am living someone else's life at the moment and keep having to remind myself that it is happening to me. Hope the geneticist gave you some good news.

Dream - sorry about the BFN, how many DPO are you? Could it be too early?

Lyn and Flowerchild - thank you both so much for your lovely words - it really does help.

I tried to telephone the hospital yesterday for an appointment to discuss what happened but found I just cried when trying to explain my reason for calling so I hung up the phone. Fortunately when I got home there was a letter from the hospital with an appointment date so that makes things easier. Maybe I will finally get some answers as to why it all happened and the chances of it happening again in the future.

Have a good day, T.

Nat - I have just sat here crying at your post. I just hope that it is too early and that by the end of the week you will have your BFP. I have left a message on your machine so if you need to talk, give me a buzz. Babe, thinking of you :hug: You are probably at the gym punching the s*%# out of the punching bags or something. Take care and big hugs to you.

Spring - good luck this afternoon. I'm sure everything will be fine and lil' Spring will be pumping that strong heart and kicking around. Thinking of you. Love your positive thinking!

Bailey - sounds like you have been busy and keeping your mind on other things. How did DS party go? I know what you mean about life going on and your still standing still. I have felt like this the past few days especially Friday when I lost it. I just felt so alone and that everyone had forgotten and are moving on with their lives. You're not alone on this feeling babe, I'm with you. Good luck on the TTC :crossfingers:

Tess - I hope you get the answers that you are looking for. Take one day at a time, it is still so early for you. Big :hugs: to you.

Mel - how are you going? You have been a bit quiet lately which worries me because that is not like you. I hope you are ok. I know today is hard, so thinking of you. Don't we wish that Tuesdays could disappear????

Jo - I hope you are doing ok and that you have lots of support around you. When you are ready, let us know how you are going.

Mish - I hope you are well.

Hi to anyone that I have missed.

Well another Tuesday rolls around and another week without Cooper. Today he would be 11 weeks old. Miss ya buddy, forever in my heart and dreams.

Good Morning Lovelies,

Nat: :hugs: it feels really deflating not to see those two lines. I truly understand. What DPO are you today? I don't know how many preg tests I have almost stood on my head trying to see two lines on... I am so sorry. Big Big Big hugs to you and know I am thinking of you...

Spring: Thinking of you today as you have your u/s. I am sending you lots of positive thoughts for today. :hug:

Lynn thinking of you and Cooper on his 11 week birthday. Tuesday's must be a tough day for you my love... :hugs:

Bailey: YAY on your first week of TTC. May the journey be short and sweet for you...
Yes, sometimes it feels like the world is still turning and you are stopped in suspended animation. I do know that feeling too. I hope today is a good one for you...

Thankyou all for your warm welcome back. I have missed you all and it's nice to be missed also!

NOW... We are gonna be seeing some gorgeous :bfp: in here in no time. Let's all send each other some cyber baby dust and positive thoughts and begin our next journey together. By the end of the year we will have babies in our arms or at least nice fat bulging bellies full of healthy babies. :babydust:

Thanks Deb. Yes Tuesdays are hard. Well every day is hard but Tuesdays are the worst.

It is so nice to have you back and get some really positive and encouraging words.I hope that we all get our BFP soon and that we can continue to be together in the pregnancy thread.

I would love a fat belly!!!!! Well as long as it has a bubba inside :)

Hi Girls

Well feeling ......like crap really, but anyway what do you do Im just hoping someone up there has bigger plans for me than having a tribe of kids.

Deb As i said this morning, im so glad you are back and that things have been resolved, sometimes I think men just worry so much about us women they go into over protect mode they dont seam to be able to cope with the things we do, maybe thats why god made us women and them men,. I wish and pray for you a BFP and babe hanging off your........well you know what i mean!! before the year out.Your right about those stupid test Ive now done two and I hold them in all different lights and ways but they seam to tell me the same thing! AF is due friday and yes yes I know I could be early BUT I know when O took place so. I will test again and wait till friday. Thank you for all your kind words.

Lynn You beautiful women, what would I do without you thank you for your call my love, you brighten my day. You are so strong just remember that.xxx

Tess Thank you also for your postive words.I am so very sorry that your angel went to heaven and there are no words to comfort you at this time but know im thinking of you and send great big hugs to you. if I had one thing I could do is make all this pain for everyone here go away, but im only human like you and then can only pray that in time you smile will return and things become better. Take time as you tavel down this road be easy on yourself and cry when you feel like crying.:hug:

Bailey How was your sons party, my goodness you have been busy! I hope this is your month and I will be sending with all my might lots of baby dust your way. Thanks for postive vibes I only wish they would darn work for me but I will wait till Friday to jump!! only joking even though I agree about time going by and my standing still.

Spring I have been thinking about you all day, I cant wait to read all the good stuff soon and please I want all details. I love you postive thinking. I bet your looking forward to seeing DH this weekend. I cant wait for you to post!!!!

Mel Where are you? I do hope everthing is all right. Im thinking of you and miss your posts.

Mish & JO Hope you are both doing ok, look forward to hearing from you soon. And to anyone else if Ive missed, oh Clare are you around if so hows everything? Hope you are well.

Me..........the mental case from the south, I just do my head in, I sit and cry about what Im missing and I think how very lucky I am in the same breath. If by friday when I get BT results to confirm or deny we will have to make some plans. I so much wanted to be able to feel a baby growing and kicking inside, to feel sick, to feel tired to feel so full of happiness and joy that Im going to burst and even to go through labour pain by pain. Im not sure why I cant do this again and as I said before I hope God has a bigger plan for me or watch out when I get there!! But it may come down to wanting a baby so much that I can let another women do all that for me as much as I breaks my heart.........I know in the end I will have my dream.....I just wan to thank you all so much for all the kind words and advise that you have all offered my, you all dont know how much you have helped my through some of the darkest days so thank you all. I hope you al want me to saty around I mean if we do surrogacy I will be going through a pregnancy and hopeful have a baby in the end. I look forward to talking to you all later. love and baby dust to you all, Natxxxx

Hey everyone - Sorry I have been MIA, new pc had some teething probs over weekend so didnt have internet connection until last night :throw_computer: But it is working now and is so fast, I love it! My new keyboard is beautiful to type on too. Plus, I also came on this morning and typed out this massive post and then I lost it all - not happy!! But such is life...
Deb - So great to see you back, I have missed you lots and been wondering if you are ok. Glad to hear you and DH have come to a decision you are both happy with. I am with you, I hope this year we ALL get those bouncing babies we so desperately want, and deserve.
Lynn - Thinking of you and Cooper :hug: Tuesdays are tough days and they bring out feelings and memories that we go through every day, but they are just more prominent on Tuesdays.
Spring - I hope for the best scan and that your little bubba is happy and healthy in there. I know you wont need it but good luck all the same.
Nat - I am so sorry that you didn't get a positive, I hope you are ok and just know that we are here for you if you need to vent :hugs:
Tess - It is hard when people ask you about your baby, even after all this time sometimes I dont know what to say. It must be really hard having your family so far away. I am so pleased you got your appointment at the hospital, when do you go?
Bailey - Good luck with your first TTC cycle, sending lots of positive vibes your way.
WARNING: Babbling ahead! Feel free to overlook.
Sorry for the really long post, but in my defence I havent posted for a few days so I am just gonna make up for it now (LOL)...
Well firstly, I QUIT MY JOB YESTERDAY, yay!!!!! When I got to work I sat down to do a few things and had to go online and get an address and found that he had been checking up on what Id been doing online. I am so fed up with him, not just this but he has become really unsymathetic to the situation even to the point of being a bit unhappy that I took the day off last Monday because it was Nicholas' 5 month anniversary and I got my period after convincing myself I had been pregnant. He has asked me to make sure all of my appointments, like psychologist and OB, are not during work time. I have decided he is just one of those people who thinks I should be all better now, like I have an illness that can be cured. So I confronted him and he was absolutely speechless that I knew what he had done and I handed him my letter of resignation and walked off and he just sat there stunned. He hasnt said a word to me, although I had today off so tomorrow may be interesting. Anyway, I feel great about my decision and looking forward to another part of my crappy lifes doors closing!
To add to that yesterday DH called me at work to say his ex wife had just phoned to tell him the kids are stressed out cause they arent seeing enough of him. He says she was nearly teary while she was talking to him. I have no idea where this has come from, but we are kinda p***ed off about it considering in June/July last year we were forced to spend 7-8K on a lawyer to stop her from taking a night a fortnight away from him, because they were supposedly getting stressed after they left our place. She wanted him to only see them 1 night per f/night and in the end the judge laughed at her and said it wasnt enough time (he currently has the most common arrangement possible of every 2nd w/end and 1/2 of school hols). So now she is saying they are stressed not seeing him enough and would like him to have then for some of the time on the weekends they are with her, he said he would discuss it with me and let her know (of course I would not say they cant though). He then got a manipulating message saying she will have a partner at some stage in the future and that he shouldnt be expected to be a father, that he is their only father and he needs to be a parent to them... WTF!!!! What does she think happens when they are at our house? Does she think we leave them to their own devices? Does she think they feed, bath and protect themselves? Does she think the 2 year old changes her own nappies? This woman has given him so much grief in the past and to be honest sometimes to the detriment of the kds and when she has been nice it has been shown she was being so for selfish reasons. Plus on top of that she has suggested that they spend Christmas and Easter Days together!!!!!!! As in at the same time!!!!!!! Meaning him, her and the kids!!!!!! Is this lady crazy? I have to be honest, I am starting to worry about the kids being in her care. I dont think she is all there. Sorry to go on about it, but it is really frustrating because I know if she doesnt get what she wants she is gonna try to make our life difficult but we cant agree to him spending those time with her. What happens in the future when we have children of our own? Also DH said to me that they are things families do together and they are not a family anymore. I dont think she is trying to get him back because she seems too bitter towards him to want that and obviously knows he is married, but I cant figure out what she is up to. Does anyone have any theories? I am driving myself crazy wondering what she is playing at. Also can anyone believe this women is a social worker...OMG, those poor families she tries to help!!!
Anyway, I know that is a long one and I am really sorry but I just thought I would use this to get it out. I cant to DH cause when I keep bringing it up he just dismisses it and says dont worry about her she is a nutcase, but I cant help it.
Also had the saline infusion hysterogram today, it was a little uncomfortable but not as bad as I thought although for about half an hour afterwards I was walking around feeling like I was wetting myself cause I could feel it all coming out (sorry TMI) but on a positive apparently everything is perfectly normal, the uterus is exactly as it should be and the ovaries are working well and have already started creating follicles for the next ovulating so now I know 100% that it is the anticardiolipin antibodies that caused me to lose Nicholas. So now to see OB on Fri to see what he says and ask him why the hell I cannot get pregnant even though everything is working fine.

Hope everyone had a good day.

Mel

P.S. Do you like how I squashed it all up so it didnt look as long, LOL ;)

Hey Nat - I didnt see your post until after I posted mine (spoke to my sis half way through for over an hour, see its not just in posts that I can chat LOL). I am really so sorry :hug: You are right though it is still early, but then you know your body. Is there any possibility of trying one more time or is that out of the question now? Even if you try surrogacy please stay around, I think I can speak for everyone is saying that would be sad if you didnt hang around. I agree you would still be on a journey, while it will be slightly different than ours, its still a journey and you will still need support.

Take care of yourself :)

Mel

Nat: I just want you to believe. Believe you are going to feel a baby growing inside you. Visualise it. It WILL happen. You WILL conceive a healthy whole baby. You CAN carry that baby to term. We all can.
Are you on the prednisone? Asprin? Remember that prednisone isn't so great for the old emotions (just ask the she cat over here!!!) and this time of the month - the dreaded TWW is an absolute shocker. I know for me when I get those bFN's I feel soooo down and then a few days later I feel a bit more up at the prospects of the next month. I am so sorry that you are feeling like this but do believe. I am sending you a big big :hug:

Oh Nat, Have I missed something. Had you decided that this month was your last month of ttc? I am sorry if I am behind the 8 ball...
Mel: :hugs: for your day.

Hi all you gorgeous people,

Well the heartbeat is there and pumping away at 160 BPM. Measurements are perfect for my dates and all seems ok. I have another appointment in a week’s time for sanity rather than necessity. Thanks so much for your texts Mel and Lynn, it seems like you sense just what I need and when I need it.

I am going to be a little selfish here and not do personals just now; I just want to take this opportunity to say....I think my time has come.

As petrified as I am of actually admitting it, I think that I need to admit to myself and others that I am pregnant and make the move to the pregnancy thread. I am scared out of my wits that I am going to jinx myself, but I am not going to change my destiny and I am trying as hard as possible to be positive. I think my presence here will start to be of detriment and I defiantly don't want to make this journey harder for any of you.

So here is what I have decided to do, I am going to post about my pregnancy in the pregnancy thread, but only visit the TTC thread to do personals and check on how you are. I don't feel comfortable talking about my pregnancy in this thread because I just want to devote 100% of my attention in this thread to supporting every single one of you.

If I can't even begin to put into words just how much I thank every one of you for your support, unconditional friendship, advice, care and encouragement. Just know that I thank you, my DH thanks you and I am sure Harry thanks you for taking such good care of his mummy.

My eternal friendship to each of you.

Love Spring and Lil Spring :grouphug:

Nat - babe, you know what I think. I hope you are completely wrong and that the wicked witch doesn't visit you on Friday. I am sending you so much :bluedust: It breaks my heart to read your post, you deserve so much to have that little bundle of joy growing and kicking inside of you, making you so sick but loving it! You deserve it so much and I really really do hope that you still get your BFP. You know I will support you which ever way you decide to go and of course you are still welcome here if you go down the surrogacy - you are still TTC just in a different way. In the end you will have your dream, I just know it. Sending you the biggest :hug: Just remember it is the year of the golden pig - this is our year!!!!!

Mel - I loved the way you squashed your post so it didn't look as long. You know you are the Queen of long posts and you will never lose that!
I am happy that you are looking after #1 and did what was best for you and quit your job. I can't believe your boss was looking what you were doing on your computer - isn't there something about privacy issues!!!! And worse he told you to have your appointments after work - that is appauling!!!! When are most places open - during business hours you ........ idiot (fill in the blanks if you wish). To give you some positive info - I quit my job last year because I was so stressed and had just had enough and a month later - presto! Pregnant!! Then not knowing I was pregnant started a new job - oops! Maybe this is just what you need, a break from work, time to relax and not worry about anything and it will happen for you, I just know it. :crossfingers: When do you finish?
Sorry you and DH are having difficulties with the ex. She may be finding it hard because your DH has moved on and re-married and she hasn't found anyone so she is trying to make it difficult for you guys.
I am so glad that the hysterogram went well. Good luck on Friday when you see your ob.

Deb I do hope so much that i am over stepping the mark and it is just early, I am on everything, prednisone 25mg, metformin, clexcane inj, progestrone supp x2, Bgroup and multis I tend to rattle as I walk at the moment!!! As far as lines in the sand yes this was our last month...it seems that all the drugs are taking a great tole on my body and emotions. Ive put on 8kils since starting on pred. my skin looks like crap and I feel like S*%T most of the time, I go to the gym 3-4 week to "help raise the endorfens" (????spell check) but to no avail. Im just not sure how much more I can do.......when do you give up, I dont want to have regrets in 5 yrs when its all to lateI just dont know:wall: I was saying to Lynn that 99% of my babies have been due May/June or Aug/Sept and nothing in between, I always think this is my natural cycle so in saying that do I try again in Aug/sep I just dont know? I do know I need some time to heal my body and get better, I just dont want to put all my engery into this and turn around try again and end up with nothing. any advise would be greatly taken.....

Mel Whats with these women who want it all, she sounds nuts or a Princess want to be!!! I wish you didnt have to put up with this and good for you telling that boss of yours to shove it, im so proud of you, who needs that sort of abuse and distrust, Are you going to look for another job? I must say I loved you warning :lol: it is great but never think your babbling I love your posts. Im glad you want me to hang around as im not sure what I would do when I needed you girls who else would know how I feel and say all the right things.

All you other girlies are quiet tonight so I will hang around or pop back later to see how you all are.

Spring sorry we must have posted at the same time.

I am so happy that your scan went well. It must be amazing to see little bubba kicking away and to see that all important heartbeat.
I understand your decision to move to the pregnancy thread (well you are pregnant after all) and know that you will get wonderful support there but we would love for you to stay here as well. I am just so happy for you that you feel comfortable to move there. I'm so happy that you will come back to see how we are going - hopefully we will be joining you in the pg thread very soon :pray:

I was so upset and thinking about all my .... that you girls all posted.

SPRING :confetti: for that wonderful news on little spring thats made my day:D As for leaving us and all the rest I for one want you to hang around please dont go I look so forward to hearing about everyones littles ones, it sort of gives me hope and encougement so please please please dont go and if everyone else is fine with it I want all the UTD women to hang around as well and keep babydust here!!

Lynn I want to be so so wrong and for you to go "I told you so" so I will try to be postive but ...... well you know, and yes it is our year!

Nat I never want to be one of those people that say "I told you so" but on this occasion I do. My fingers and toes are crossed as hard as they can be!! :crossfingers: