Hey ladies - thanks for the words of support and encouragement. I am surprised at how much I need them. Today at least, I conquered the snake. lets see about tomorrow.
You know, I have really tried to avoid thinking about the twins EDD, hard to believe its come around. So no plans except I am not working and neither is DH. Plan is to do something together. I was thinking of having a memorial service for Amelia, but I am not ready to organise it, so am going to wait. Lots of ideas spinning around but nothing stands out as something that is right. So, it just needs time.
Gigi1 - thankyou so much sweetie. Big hugs back at you. When I feel sorry for myself I would like to think that multiple bereavement is really so much harder. It's harder in the sense there are more occasions that are significant and maybe more layers of emotion to process, thinking about my own experiences of my grief. But in reality, it's hard no matter what. For me probably the most significant aspect of multiple losses is that it is harder to feel hope, and not just in relation to pregnancy. After Amelia I remember thinking this can't possibly happen again, so despite my fear, when I was pregnant with the twins, I actually hoped it would work out ok, even when Nicholas miscarried but Sophie was still alive I had hope. It makes the next pregnancy that much harder, as hope is more distant. But, I wouldn't even be contemplating another pregnancy if I didn't think there was hope, nor if I wasn't prepared to risk the anguish of another loss. But then a long term TCC journey is I imagine just as harrowing, if not more so, especially one that involves loss. How can I compare my loss to my friend whose eldest son has cystic fibrosis, and the hurdles she must overcome every day? I am not minimising mine, just really saying it's hard to compare.
For each of us a loss is a loss and to us the loss is significant and we are the only ones that walk our own path, even if others are beside us, our path is our own.
I wear a gold heart shaped pendant with 3 amythests( a gift from DH in remembrance of our babies) and I regularly sleep with their bunny rugs. I have kept a journal. We have photos, even of wee little Nicholas. We donated a digital camera and printer to the hospital after Amelia was born, because they didn't have one, and we were unprepared and didn't take one. We live close so DH went home and got the camera. I didn't want other parents taken by surprise to miss out on the opportunity to have lots of photos. I will put together a "montage" eventually.
But as much as anything I feel that DH and I the best memorial of and for our children. They were created in our love, the grew in our love and died in our love. Their legacy, is the woman and mother and wife ( and man, father and husband) that you all see. They are always with me in everything I do.
Chez I like the idea of your connected charms. Your little Ryan is always with you.
Gigi1 - I too have toyed with the idea of a tatoos, but in the end have decided it's not for me, but I do like the symbolism in the hip and wing concepts.
Blessedatlast - I have thought long and hard about "my story". As everyone in here knows, it's so easy to read the word loss/miscarriage/stillbirth but those words belie so much anguish and torment and I am not sure I can do mine justice. For some reason I am reluctant to put it in my signature, in a brief version. And I was never comfortable with the idea of just blurting out my story in a new thread. So in reality it's come out in bits and pieces across various threads. I won't go into to much detail tonight, but just by way of quickie ( still have some sense of mischief!) I miscarried in July 2008 at 8 weeks- blighted ovum, I must look up the date, Amelia was born alive extremely premature at 21 weeks and 6 days gestation on 23 February 2009 and lived for 35 minutes and weighed 455grams, Nicholas ( or twin 1 as he was known before he was born) was born at 14 weeks and 5 days gestation on 28 July 2009, but only lived briefly and he only weighed about 90grams, and Sophie ( or twin 2 as she was known before she was born) was born at 19 weeks and 6 days gestation on 30 August 2009 weighing 230grams and she lived amazingly for 3 hours. The twins were dichorionic diamniotic (DCDA) fraternal twins. We have had a small service for each our precious ones and had them cremeated, even wee Nicholas. We are currently trying to settle on the words we like for the inscriptions. We have Amelia's sorted, but still working on one each for Nicholas and Sophie. Maybe that's one of the things I will do on their EDD, let them give me the strength to finish.
I know what you mean about a epic and draining journey to memoralise your angels.
Gigi1 I second the burning holes in the HPT's hoping for that second line. I haven't tested again... am holding off. I am sorry about your BFN.
Chez - good work on the big O. Hopefully it works into a BFP soon. Don't go mental in the 2WW.
) I think I'm heading toward the tail end of it now though, the worst seemed to be yesterday.
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