TTC after Late Loss, Recurrent Miscarriage or Stillbirth ~ #4 2011

Congrats Skybie and now the wait begins. I hope all goes well for you hun. Time for some happiness now after the sadness.

Gigi so sorry this was not your month hun. :( Big hugs and roll on TTC the new cycle.

Dory I hope all the sickies have now left your household.

I've been away a few days, went over to Melbourne and came back with a souvenir, not a nice one though. My car is going to be towed away today after a light pole fell on it while we out on the Nepean Hwy in Mordialloc. Just turning off and the car in front of us hit the light pole head on after a skid and it fell on our car. On a lighter front (no pun intended there) I am in the 2ww after the miscarriage at the start of the month and NTNP so who knows...

Good luck to everyone.

Hey ladies...

I am having a major anxiety week this week. I need some info.

I have a specialist appointment thursday and I have myself convinced she is going to find something wrong... I know stupid. Matthew was perfect, nothing happened to him in utero
but I guess I am just being over anxious about everything.

The question I need to ask you lovely caring ladies is. If there is something "fataly" wrong I will miscarry wont I? I dont even know if I am offending anyone here. I really dont mean to, and I think you all know me a little better than that. I am just trying to cope. I am sorry if I have caused stress.

Gigi I am sorry it wasnt your month hun. ((HUGS))

Kateo - has anyone heard from her??? how is she going to we know?

To all the other ladies out there with BFPs and BFPs-to-be. HUGE MASSIVE TESSIE HUGS...

Angelic Dragon...my god thankfully you were not in your car at the time. How incredible. xoxo Good luck with TWW.

Tess- That is a tough one hun. Not offended for you asking. Look, my DD had a lot wrong with her and they were surprised she lived as long as she did. Babies can actually die weeks before they are born. So I am afraid i don't have comforting things to say on that front as we have all learned...a lot CAN go wrong, but more often than not it doesn't go wrong- infact it goes a whole lot right! So normal to feel irrational right now when you know the above is always possible, but all i can say is this...

Find strength in your baby growing and know that it might be even more scared than you. Find that motherly lion inside of you and protect that baby from too much fear. Bubs needs you to find your strength and pull through. I don't know what you believe but I believe Bubs is very aware on a spiritual and physical level and can feel you, can learn from you and can teach you even at this early stage. Feeding anxiety will not serve either of you and will not change a thing. Try everything you can to enjoy this moment and the next, not because it might be the last but because it exists, if that makes sense. I hope to combat my fears this way when the time comes so i will call on you to remind me...how very challenging it is but also how very empowering to defeat. I know you can get through this and if you just need to off load...without the opinions and suggestions on how to handle it...rant away my friend. Sometimes i think that can be so helpful to blurt out all your feelings only to find the answers yourself.
I hope Specialist has plenty of good things to say that will last you until the next appointment. It was going to be inevitable that you find this tough, but the universe didn't realise you know have an extra tool under your belt...you are a Mother and the strength of a Mother will flatten anything should it be needed.
Good luck sweety. Concentrate on the good. Get a visualisation going for yourself...walking out of that office thrilled with the result, beeming with love and skipping to the car. ;) What ever happens, it will be what it will be and you will handle it perfectly. xoxoox

Thanks for asking after me , Tess, your new little one is due the same day Ellen was due only two years later!
I still pop in and read but rarely post as I just don't have the energy for persies and I can't keep up very well. I feel bad I am crap at supporting all these wonderful women properly.
I am now 33 weeks and trying hard not to stress too much but having gestational diabetes and having to cope with going to 38 weeks is doing my head in a bit.
I stop work at the end of next week so that should give me more time.
I haven't yet worked up the courage to sort out Ellens things and make room for the new bub in the nursery......I hope I do something soon!
We have bought a bassinet but beyond that neither of us seem to be able to face getting ready for an earthside baby.

Tess big hugs. I will be praying your Dr will tell you everything is ok. I am sorry to hear of Matthew :( The worst diseases and afflictions do often result in m/c early on. I guess I have to believe that in order to cope with having 9 m/c and countless chem pg. If there wasn't something wrong then why else would so many be lost. My stillborn angel was perfect, she just got tangled in her umbilical cord.

Kateo yes it can be hard thinking of having an earthside baby after a stillborn angel, but you have to try to find the happiness and joy for this new baby. I know it is hard but this new baby also deserves all the joy and expectations you felt for Ellen.

Dory unfortunately we were in the car :( I have a very sore back, neck and hips but really don't want to report it or go to the Dr. My husband was in a very serious accident years ago and I still remember with dread all the forms I had to fill out for him because it was a car accident. I thought too I was in the 2ww but mucking around with HPT and opks today for the fun of it and lo and behold the opk test line was much darker than the control line, so maybe I am only just about to O and I am way too sore to even think of BD.

Has anyone ever noted after a m/c D&C how there are up to 3 wks of cm. I have to wear a panty liner and each day it is full of cloudy sort of CM. There is nothing yesterday or today though so hopefully it has now gone. Just had me concerned and wondering if I had picked up an infection.

Kate, I think hun you will wake up one morning and just get to doing it- the bedroom. I have total faith that you will get through this. I even think you will do it well. You will find that strength ...i am sure of it. Keep going love, not long now. Ask yourself some questions to go deeper into your feelings, and I truely think you will get to the other side. GD makes it a tough one, just do the best you can and that will be perfect. I won't crack the whip on you as i think you are doing what you can and you are being hard enough on yourself. Cheering on the end of work though, so you have the time to face these things. xoxo Hugs hun.

Angelicdragon...my goodness you were in the car??!! That is horrendous, you are so lucky to get out of that with the few injuries you have. That is just madness. I have never had a D&C hun so can't help you with your question. Hope someone can help you with that. Hugs hun, hope you feel much better soon. Car accidents throw so much up in the air and remind you how precious love and life is. xoxoxo

AFM- AF is giving me a good kick up the bum atm giving it's last hoorah...CD5 now. I will be glad when this one is gone. Ouchy and grumpy. I am getting in to the chiro today thankfully and i can fix this lovely neck of mine. Will be nice to put the hot packs away.
Made some scrummy muffins today...healthy enough too.

3lge or 4sml Bananas,mashed...or Cooked Pie apple (about 400g cooked)( you could use a tin of sliced apple if desired. I have done this once before and it was fine.
100g honey
200g spelt wholemeal flour
1/2 teas salt
1 teas bicarb
2 tabs butter, melted
8 dates, chopped
1 egg

180oC oven, makes 9 muffins...i can't remember how long they took...but not long, keep checking for a spring when pressed.
Large bowl, place apple or banana in bowl with honey. Mix very lightly. Sift in flour, bicarb and salt. Mix lightly...about 4 strokes. Melt butter and chopped dates with a tabs of water. When butter is melted add to bowl of fruit and flour. Just combine then add 1 egg and lightly mix through. Spoon into muffin trays and bake. Enjoy...nice and light, scrummy and wholesome. xoxoox Add some nuts for fun if you like.

I best duck off now and get ready for chiro. The house is a mess but i will deal with that when i get back. I was supposed to do it last nigth but DH needed my attention. His work has become very stressful again and it is just horrible the aggression and bullying going on. Unbelievable. My poor man, it makes me feel sick to the stomach. xoxo

Hello Lovely Ladies,
Sorry I have been quiet on here for a while. James's EDD was the 7th of July which was a day of all emotions. I should have been as big as a whale complaining "why wont this baby come out!!" Instead we were lighting candles missing our gorgeous son! As I was 3 days late I decided to test and got a :bfp:! Lots of tears followed as you all can imagine. Now I have gone from obsessively thinking about getting pregnant to trying not to think about this pregnancy. I dont know if it is a defense mechanism that I am trying not to get too attached just yet. I know that it is silly as we didnt lose James until our 27th week. I dont have an appointment with my dr until the 5th of August so just trying not to drive myself insane before then.
Gigi - Hi honey I was reading your posts that I have missed and I am so disappointed for you that AF showed up. I so want a beautiful baby for you and your husband. It is so unfair that a lovely couple that obviously would be the best parents ever are being denied the opportunity. This month will be your month. I have my fingers and everything crossed for you. Your muffins sound amazing, I might have a crack at them tomorrow :)
Ladytess - How did you go at your appointment today? I thought the same as you - if there was something that wrong with my baby the pregnancy would end early. I felt so ****ed off that whoever is in charge let us get to 27 weeks before taking our son. I am not sure how I will be during this pregnancy, I have had a few moments of panic already as I dont feel that rush of love that I have in my last 2 pregnancies. Maybe after an ultrasound all will change?
Kateo - Only 5 weeks to go! Your so amazing working up until this point! We had everything ready for James's arrival and I am already feeling the same, will I look at all of the stuff and think of it as his stuff? It really sucks that all of us women on here have been cheated out of a fun, carefree exciting pregnancies that women who have never experienced a loss has. The pregnancies we had before our worlds changed.
Tashybabe - Just a quick note to say I think of you and your beautiful boys often and much love to you and your family.
To everyone else I have missed I am sorry - I will try and be more diligent in my posts - I felt guilty that we got a positive test so quickly when I know how long alot of you have been trying for.
Much love to everyone
Trace

A HUGE congratulations for you EmJ....Just fantastic news that you will be welcoming a new little baby into your life. You deserve such happiness despite the obvious turmoil it brings that we are all too familiar with. Thank you for your warm wishes for me and DH too. I hope we are following in your footsteps real soon.
I am glad you got to spend time thinking about James in such a special way and at the same time welcoming a new gift...from him i believe, into your life. Very special. What a wonderful connection.
I am off...to help Dh get ready for work. There is so much rubbish going on at his work but i am thrilled to say we are both feeling very empowered about it all. Nice knowing you have done what you can and the other person is proceeding to make more mess for himself. Thankfully he has now dug his own grave. Horrid, revolting man...it still shocks me a bit that people can be this way. Lessons learnt!

love and hope for you all xoox HM

Kateo - I agree with Judy... it's ok for this baby to be welcomed with love and anticipation.... but I know just how hard it is to find that when you're so scared about history repeating itself... and to be honest we did very little to prepare for Hannah... it's just all bound up with guilt. Guilt that you can't muster the same enthusiasm for this new baby, guilt that you couldn't bring home Ellen. I just couldn't face the prospect of a nursery. But it was also like Gi said, one day we just woke up and said "we give ourselves permission to do this"..... and so do our wee ones....... all we did was buy a cot and put it up and get a bassinette and a change table. No decorating or anything like that. Really they don't need a whole lot of things. The baby will have you and your love. The rest will come. So what am I saying? Whatever happens will be the right thing for you and this baby.

Judy - I can't say as I've not had that experience.... but hope the cm "dries up" soon, well just long enough to then be ewcm for some BD'ing!

EJ's congrats on your BFP! That is awesome. It's a very hard journey you're just about to embark on.... but you can do it.

Gi - glad AF has left! Hope you and DH avoid being contaminated with the noxious vibes from person from work. Those muffins do sound nice.

AFM? Well I have another cold, I think mine is a continuation of one from 3 weeks ago that never really left. H has one as well - her nose is streaming and her eyes are all red... but she is just the cutest little button.

Lady Tess - oh sweetie, it is so hard not to worry. I hope the specialist appointment gave you some answers that helped your anxiety. Hugs.

ergh girls, i know i should be happy, but im so paraniod already!!!! have absolutely no pregnancy symptoms, no ms, no sore boobies, no nothing!!!! your brain cant fake hormones if u want it so much can it?!!

Hey lovely ladies,

Skybie, you know m/s can come out of the blue when you least expect it! How many weeks are you hun? I didn't have any with no.1 but with n.2 it started from 6 weeks. Both my mum's pg were m/s free, she breezed through it like a champ. Lucky duck! If you like I'll pray for m/s for you, but do you really want it? lol.

Dory, bugger about your cold!! Can you get your hands on a good garlic and horseraddish tablet? They used to help me heaps with my colds (as in I didn't get that many on the tablets). Hope you darling Hannah Bear gets better too :)

Judy, what a bugger about your car hun! I can't believe how close you came to me, I'm next suburb down from Mordi!

Emily James, congrats hun! Wishing you a happy & healthy pg hun!

Gigi, those muffins sound delish! Hope your chiro app. went well gorgeous :)

Oh Kate, I can really sypathise with you about setting up the new baby's nursery and sorting Ellen's things. Must be pretty heart wrenching. Thinking of you. On the upside, 33 weeks hun, that's so close now! GL sweetie!

LadyTess, hope your app.went well hun. Try and not think the worst, I'm sure all will be well sweetie.

Mummy2two, GL in your 2WW hun! There is no reason to think you can't add to your brood, even if your hubby's swimmers are on the dud side! lol. My DF has a zero count but he is convinced there is one good one in there.......I just let him think it but then again, maybe there is just the one!lol.

Hello to anyone I missed!

AFM ladies, I had an aweful call yesterday from my IVF nurse. It seems my egg reserve count has dropped from 13 to 3.8. I am devastated to say the least. We go in next Thursday to talk to our FS about it.

B xoxo

Oh B...that is not nice news. I hope they have some solutions for you babe, something you can do. xooxoxxo Thinking of you xoox

Skybie...hang in there sweet. The early stages are so hard. You will 'feel' something soon, so find your peace, quiet your mind and i hope symptoms pop up to reassure you. xoxoxo You can do this my friend. xoxo

Hi ladies

Skybie - congratulations on your BFP. I thought I'd already posted that, but doesn't look like it. Remember, it is completely normal to become paranoid about everything. Anxiety and fear are normal, just try not to let them rule, ITMS. Sometimes it's easier to just go lalalala to life and pretend nothing is happening :) Wishing you an uneventful pregnancy and easy birth.

angelicdragon - sorry I didn't say hi before. I read but post depending on my energy levels. I'm sorry you've had so many losses. here's hoping you get a sticky baby soon. The car accident sounds scary.

BAL - I hope the cerclage went well and wasn't too painful.

Lady Tess - that must be so hard dealing with solicitors re: Matthew's death. It's bad enough having our children die, but to then go through legal proceedings must be so debilitating and feel like an intrusion in your grief. I've just bought a book called Still at Birth about a family who lost their DD due to medical incompetence. I havent had the energy to read it yet.

As for mc imperfect babes, I'm the wrong person to ask. Yes, many babies who have something wrong miscarry. Sadly, many do not. DS1 and DS2 had fatal problems. We think they were completely different things. But we just seem to have been hit with the unlucky stick. Either that or committed some major crime in a previous life. Please try not to stress. Fear and anxiety don't change the outcome, they just ruin the journey. Your baby is most likely perfectly fine. Gigi1's advice is really good.

dory - thank you babe. The weird thing is when I'm in my worst staste, I dont have the energy to pick up the phone or post. I just want to crawl into a ball and stop the pain. I'll get there, I know. I've walked this path before. It's just so hard to keep going sometimes.

Gigi1 - I'm sorry AF came again. Doesn't she know she's unwelcome? I hope you're doing OK. It sounds like you're staying positive which is great. Any chance your DH can change jobs? My DH was dealing with a lot of stress at work which was just debilitating. Thankfully he found a new one and he's much happier now.

Miss B - I hope you get a better result soon. I assume the results change the needing to wait until November now? I hope you can jump straight in now.

kateo - all bub needs to start with is boob and somewhere warm to sleep. The only thing you should organise is the car seat. Everything else can wait. Peopl will inundate you with clothes etc. Don't stress about the nursery. My grandmother used the bottom drawer for her first baby and he turned out fine :)

EJ - congratulations on your BFP. That's wonderful news. The first trimester is tough after a loss as symptoms can not be obvious and you can't feel anything. I think it helps to just not think about it if possible, but make sure you take time to also send bub lots of love.

AFM - barely managing. It's Leo's birthday Tuesday, but of course he was born on a Monday. So I'm reliving everything and it's killing me. It was midnight Sunday/Monday that I woke with contractions and he was born Monday evening. We had lunch for Mum's birthday today. We did the same last year. We watched the Tour de France last year and I used it as visualisation to get through the birth without drugs. I couldnt watch it this year.

It feels like this year has gone so fast but at the same time, it happened so long ago. We should have had a 1st birthday party for our little boy this weekend, with gifts, cake and little people crawling and toddling underfeet. I'd much rather be trying to settle an over excited little boy right now than staring blankly at walls wondering what the hell did we ever do to deserve this.

We didn't know what to do for Leo's birthday. We've decided to go down to a beach and let some balloons go. But I'm not sure what else to do. We need to re-pot his rose and we'll have dinner at Mum's. I wanted to be more organised. There should be an instruction book for the babylost - on the EDD do this, on the first birthday do that.

We were expecting to be 28weeks pregnant now and that was supposed to help us get through. Jude wasn't a replacement for Leo, but he was our hope to be able to heal someday. Now we don't have him either and we don't have any answers as to why he got sick, so we feel like we're in limbo.

Insomnia rules me atm. You'd think if you got tired enough you would actually sleep, but it eludes me which doesn't help. I feel like I'm drowning. I dont want to be like this. I dont feel strong. I dont feel brave. I hate feeling weak and fragile. I hate whinging and whining. I hate people asking me how many children I have. Most of all I hate that I am a mother without living children and no idea if we'll ever have one we can keep.

Hi Everyone :)

Emily James - Congratulations on your BFP :)

Gigi - So sorry AF arrived for you. She SUX!!!!

Tashybabe - Oh Tashy, I am just so heartbroken reading your post. Happy 1st Birthday to Leo for Tuesday. 1st Birthdays are so so hard. i think it's a really nice idea to release balloons. That's what we do and it is nice. I totally get what you mean about another pregnancy is healing though not a replacement. I'm so sorry that you now have lost that now too when you lost Jude. It's just heartbreaking and unfair. I knowI have said that 1000 times. I don't know what else to say. I think although you don't feel strong, you are showing amazing strength. You are still breathing, and as far as I am concerned that's all you need to do right now. I really really hope that one day you can be a Mummy to Earthside Bubs. Sending loads and loads of love and strength your way xx

Hi to everyone else :) No more persies, my ice cream is melting ;) xx

Oh Tash, if I could reach out and free you of the pain somewhat I would :hug: Even though there are women out there that have experienced the loss of a baby, sometimes it feels like we are the only person in the world that has gone through it doesn't it? It feels like we are doing it alone. Sometimes it doesn't matter what people say, how much they feel our pain, how much they are there for us and want to help us, the reality is still the same. We have lost a baby, no one can give him or her or them back to us. Losing two or more babies is unamaginalbe to me. But it does happen and then you must think to yourself, why? Why has it happened more than once? Wasn't once enough for, like, the whole eternity? It must be tough hun, I can imagine, but this road of grief, anger, disbelief, even denial sometimes, we must travel alone and eventually heal with the help of time and our wonderful support people, be that family or friends, most often both. If someone told me years ago that I would lose a baby, I wouldn't believe them. Tash, it really sucks hun, and it bloody hurts. Honestly, there isn't a day I don't think of Josh. And it's almost been 3 years. I have his pictures in my dining area, I see him everyday as I walk past. I refuse to put the pictures away, much to my family and friends' disapproval. I should be over it now. I don't think so mate. I get the reminders ever year not only on his original EDD which was 12 Feb, and of course his actual birthday, I can't watch the Grand Final witout relieving the whole thing. I woke up on the Friday before the GF with back pain and pain where the fibroid was. Spoke to a friend who became worried. Saturday GF day, off the hossy to check out the pain. Drive back home with some meds just in time to watch the game. Hoorah! I love the footy. I sit there on my couch, all drugged up and remember the lovely sun hitting my belly throught he window. The pain eases and I am relieved. All is good again, I will be OK. Wake up Sunday, pain is much much worse. Off to the hossy again, this time I am told to bring an overnight bag. I dont' click why I could possibly need my bag. Mad rush to pack a few essentials. I don't leave the hossy until Thursday, the day after Josh was born. I go in with my baby and I leave without him. I feel empty, broken, angry and in shock. I relieve this every GF day and I will for as long as I live.
Big hugs lovely lady, I hope the next few days are as gentle to you as possible. I will certainly be thinking of you tomorrow and on Tuesday and will light a candle for Leo.
Much love to you :hug:

Tash, I couldn't go past without saying a couple fo words. I will keep it brief as the ladies gone before me have spoken my mind. I am left sad and shocked still from your post...which is an honour to feel for a friend. I hate that someone else feels this anguish and overwhelming heartbreak. I just can only try to imagine what your must be going through right now. It is also a reminder of our own pain and times we have felt a similar way through our own journeys.
I will shed a tear, light a candle and think of you and your little family this week. Have a special time for Leo's day and i hope there is some comfort knowing he is not alone. He has a little brother to take care of, be with and play with. I wish both your boys were in your arms hun, with all my heart.
Please know you post has touched my heart. You have written so openly and truthfully, which takes bravery. But I also no in the depths of grief as you type through tears, you can and will write anything and everything to relieve some of that pain, some pressure. Feel safe to do that here and know they your words will be met with some understanding and much love.
Well i was not as short as i planned...much love. HM xoox

Hi Ladies,
Tashybabe - it is immense the pain you are going though right now. I feel for you from the very bottom of my heart. I can't believe what some people are made to go through & why they are knocked down time & time again. Praying you find strength to get you through & get some answers as to 'why' so you can move forward in a positive direction. Big hugs to you sweety xxx
Emily James - congrats on your BFP & hoping for smooth times ahead for you x
Miss B - big hugs to you too sweety. Sorry the reminders are so painful for you & sending healing vibes your way x
Skybie - hoping you get some reassurance real soon. You know lots of women have little to no symptoms so hang in there :)
Hi to everyone else - try & get back later for proper persies
xxxx