TTC after Late Loss, Recurrent Miscarriage or Stillbirth ~ #5 2011

Hey Dores...thanks for passing that on. I had no idea. I have not been on BB for about 10 days. Can't stay long now either and can't write about it here. Nothing i want to keep from you girls i just have to keep it from socail medai altogether. Finding it tough not to be able to talk about it all though.

Thinking of you all.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY for beautiful HANNAH!!

oxoxox

Hi Ladies,
Having a weird day here. Can't seem to get myself together. It's raining inside (me) and outside (the weather). I am in Beta fright-- the numbers were rising last time we checked but I need to make it to the ultrasound in two weeks for a viable pregnancy and heartbeat. It's so difficult-- trying not to worry, making a space for the whole mystery thing, and trusting that whatever happens, happens. Spent some of the morning ironing. It brings some relief.

Blessed and babe: you are not forgotten; holding you in prayer!

Hello, Tash and anyone lurking out there!

Dores, boo to u being sick again hunny, u havent had a good run lately huh?
Gigi, hope everything is ok babe, sending u strength and love to help u through whatever is going on. hope ur puppy is filling your home with love and happyness.
S and S, keeping everything crossed for u hunny. i chose not to monitor my Beta's with this pregnancy, the thought of it was all to stessfull. i hope the next to weeks pass quickly for you.

AFM, all going well, waiting on a return phone call from the hospital to discuss appointments ect, i put it off as long as possible but as much as im not looking forward to being there i think im ready to get the extra care and feel at ease with my ob ITMS.
Baby is going well, my uterus is growing nicely, not too far off my belly button atm (so glad the ob taught me how to feel for fundal height!) getting the odd kick and roll here and there. it always startles me, i know im pregnant, but i think i keep forgetting that being pregnant means theres a person in there and its real IYKWIM? not long until we find out baby's sex, something that is causing many anxieties but i need to know, for my mental preperation and for DD1 who is pretty confused atm and thinks that Jack is back in my tummy. i want to know so we can start calling bubby by its name and help DD1 to recognise that this is a different baby.

Much love and baby dust to all of you, you're never far from my thoughts xxx

Blessed, thinking of you love and hoping for you lots of strength and rest as your little man grows stronger each day. I am sorry i don't know the details but thinking of you a lot.

Skybie, What a nice idea to help DD1 with recognising new bub. Sounds like you are growing nicely. I remember it being a strange 'knowing' that i was pregnatn but for a period of time didn't feel so different...then with movement it takes you by surprise. Hope you are enjoying it hun. xoxo

Sunshine Stars, Hang in there hun, it must be tough. Try everything you can to live in the moment and enjoy now....easier said than done. I love the idea of creating space for mystery....sounds like a perfect way to think. You will get there, promise, and i hope the nerves will be squashed with a wonderful scan for you. oxoxox

AFM---Well, miss OV this month and hands busy with a little monkey puppy testing my every calm moment. WOuldn't say she has brough happiness just yet but i am sure she will. Challenging and bringing up a lot of emotion in me, grief, frustration, fear, sadness, and the rest. We are getting there. Why oh why are my reserves just not as fruitful these days. All good xoxo

Hey girls - seems we are going through one of our quiet spells again.
Gigi - as loveable as puppies are I'm sure you are being tested a fair bit at this time too. Hope the fun part starts soon
for you. Just remember what you are doing is an awesome thing. Sorry you missed OV this month.......
S&S - wishing you the the best for you ultrasound - time almost stands still at times like this huh....
Skybie - fab news that things are going so well x
re:BAL's news - wow that sure is an early arrival - hope all is going well for her & bub - got to be a rough few weeks ahead I would think.....Hugs....
To everyone else - HI!
Nothing to report in my world other than the usual merry go round stuff that you girls know all about. Oh, I did start Weight Watchers on Friday to try & shift a few of these unwanted kg's so helping that has a flow on effect with my ttc efforts. That's about as exciting as it gets lovelies.
Check back in later xxxx

MT2- Hey love...yes it has been testing for sure but we are getting there. Her new nickname is Snap Dragon...she has been through 'Hoodini', 'Monkey', 'Panther', to name a few...all of which have been chewed up and spat out. Thanks love for you words of support. Means the world.

I knwo your merry go round love,,,riding it with you. Thinking of you hun and make sure you post shoud you need to vent or anything at all.
My hands are full atm but i am around and if an update comes in, i will see it in no time hopefully. xoxo

Hello Lovely Ladies.
Not a great deal of news to report from here. Saw my new Dr on the 16th of last month and so far he is amazing. He didnt make me feel like a d#$khead when I asked questions, my old ob/gyn would laugh at me and brush my questions off. Also he sent me for a heap of blood tests (10 vials worth!) I got a letter in the mail from him today saying that I had a positive ENA (extractable antinuclear antibody) and positive lupus anticoagulant test and he wants me to retest just to be sure before my next visit. Any of you lovely ladies had any experience with either of these tests and what this might mean? I see him again on the 27th of this month. I am just impressed that he actually read my results before I was sitting in front of him like most Drs and that he got in touch with me before the consult and included lab forms so I didnt need an appointment just to get them! As you can probably tell from my gushing I have not had much luck with Drs!!
So for the last year I have been in pretty intense pain and had been seeing a rheumatiod arthritis specialist and while preg with James - but new Dr doesnt think I even have it! Old Dr did blood work and said I had tested neg for RA but keep taking the prednisone as it was working! Great help he was if it turns out I dont even have RA!!
Ok that rant over :)
Well our fundraising "High Tea" is on this Saturday afternoon. We have about 40 ladies confirmed to come already so we are pretty excited about that, for a small town I think that is not a bad turn out. Hopefully it gets bigger and better every year.
I dont know what is in the water or if its just because I am more "aware" but nearly everyone I know that has had a baby since losing James has had a boy! 11 in 6 months!! No girls. Sigh, it just sucks - no other words to really describe how I feel about it all, none that baby belly will let me use anyway lol. I thought I was going really well and getting back to some level of normal but the last 10 days or so have me wondering if maybe I do need to go and see someone. One minute I am fine, happy, normal, nearly the old me and the next I can be that cranky I want to punch someone or a blubbering mess on the floor! Or a combination of both and that is not pretty. I try to keep my crying to in the shower in the morning so my husband and daughter dont see as it just upsets everyone more. I know this sounds weird but it nearly feels normal now to have my big cry and then I can get on with the day.
Last friday I had to go and do the 2 hour glucose test (another test for new Dr) and I had to ask to sit in another part of the waiting area as there was a mother there with two little girls - both in nappies so under 3 I would think. She kept telling them to shut the f#$% up and swearing at them, of course she was there for the 2 hour test too as she was very pregnant. The last straw was her equally bogan friend arrived and asked her if she would have any more after this baby was born and she said "nah didnt even f$#%ing want this one!" So was either move waiting rooms or choke her til her head popped off (I dont really mean that but I am sure you lovely ladies have all had that moment!!!!)
Ok enough rants for one day ladies, I know everyone has issues they are dealing with daily - not just preg or baby related. I do have good days, hopefully tomorrow will be fun. Off to a playland with a 3 lovely friends and our 8 combined children 2 hours away!
Much love and baby dust and terribly sticky babies to us all.
Love Trace xoxoxo

Hi all. I'm still around. Will bbl to respond better. It's 5pm and I just got out of bed. Had no sleep last night at all and ended up taking a Temazapan this morning. I thought I was getting better. I can only assume it's the lead up to J's EDD. Though I'm sure he'd have been born by now. Maybe if he had been healthy I'd be holding a living baby by now.

Sorry for the me post. Not coping. Again.

hi everyone

Phew - I am not going to be able to catch up today....

Tashy - oh sweetie, I have been thinking of you a lot lately, as usual, but not that you would know because I haven't told you until now. I am sorry my friend that I don't reach out enough. I just want to give you the biggest squishy hug ever..... I know it won't make things right, but maybe for a moment you'd feel at peace. ( Wow, that's kinda arrogant huh? Thinking that a hug from me would actually help you feel a serene moment).... hugs for hard times.

Gi - how is the four legged fiend? Hugs for missing O :(

Trace ( EJ) - wow that is such good news about your Dr, it makes a world of difference to feel respected and worthy from your care givers. I am kinda lucky to have stumbled on a Dr like yours too. And I gush too. I don't know anything about the results and what they mean. I hope what ever it is it's fixable or not a problem for you or the baby. Seeing that sort of attitude from someone would have made my blood boil too. Good on you for asking for a different room. The thing is, I would have thought of a hundred smart things to say but would have said none, because people like that usually start yelling and swearing right back and they always seem to have a cadre of thugs around or at their beck and call. So you did the best thing. It's so nice to hear you talk about your pg.

Mt2 - well done on starting WW. It's good you've made a committment to help yourself, always the hardest thing. Before you know it you'll have achieved your goal.

Skybie - that a good idea about helping you and DD1 accept this new baby. It must be so hard trying to explain over and over again to DD1, who just wouldn't understand. How is Blessed going? I think of her a lot. I want to help as I live in Brissy. I sent her a PM, but understandably she's not gotten back to me. I just feel so helpless and I feel like I can help and want to help? Maybe that's just about me though.

Cindee - hiya! I am not sure if I've "met" you.... but welcome and sorry that you've had the heartache necessary to join this thread.

Sunshine - how is your 2WW going? I am so proud of you for doing this cycle. A friend of mine has just today gone for egg collection after a really emotional cycle where the Dr's were thinking of cancelling it as the follies just were slow off the mark. So she will be starting her 2WW soon, if things go well in the next 3-5 days. FX for her and you.

AFM? Well, touch wood, I seem to be over the fatigue and worst of the symptoms of my cold. I know it sounds so minor " a cold" but I have just been knocked to the floor with virus after virus this winter. It's nice to feel some energy returning. HB turned 1, and we had a nice bbq in the park. I can't believe that I get to do this. Sometimes I wonder if it's all a dream and I will wake up to my other reality, the one that Tashy is going through now. It's CD 14 for me and I O'ed late monday or yesterday based on CM. I was super keen to get DH into some BD action yesterday before he went to work, but it didn't happen. :( Hoping that the weekends efforts might have helped. Sometimes I wonder if these "forced" delays are actually the universe saying to me that I am not ready just yet....

I have a small admission to make. I have been day dreaming about being pregnant with twins. So much so that I spent most of the night thinking and hoping. And I am also checking out internet sites on parenting twins and I finally worked out that fraternal twins are hereditary on the maternal side as hyperovulation tends to be hereditary. So there you go, another thing I have learnt about my family of origin ( I am adopted and know next to nothing). But then I think of the reality and even then my desire is still strong.

Anyway, better go. Keep strong my blossoms.

EmJ, Love thank good ness for losing hte old OB and findign the new one. Makes such a difference to how you feel. I know it is something i kind of dread at this stage. All my previous care in the country was under special care and she only handles risky pregnancies...and i am not sure i want her anyway. I want midwifery care but nt sure if i would be eligible anyway. I grieve for the loss of choice in home birth these days and the lack of financial support to do so. I guess i will be chasing midwifery care, unless there is an issue. I envy you for having it all worked out.
I would be 'gushing' too hun. I woul dlove to find a gp that woul doffer the same consideration. I had to op for picking up my results without the consult last time as i just couldn't fork out the cash to see her again. I rarely go to the dr and she charges by time and costs a bomb. I will need to find another. The last 2 years have been all about finding someone.
Would your apparent RA be something like Ross River. We tough D had Arth and it turned out to be Ross River. We got him treated alternatively with Mora Therapy and found it and the homeopathics that come with it very good. Just a thought.
As for the twit in the waiting room....god that would have provoked me too. I would have moved just to stop myself from telling her off. God it takes all types and infuriates me that nature is not so selective, or it is and has no idea what it is doing. Why why why???
Suckful timing on all the baby boys in your life right now reminding you of James. I am sorry this makes it harder for you hun xoxo
Thinking of you on your hard days as well as the good ones. I think it is normal to cry in the shower...i also think it is normal to have thoughts about having to see/speak to someone. I believe we generally have these thoughts at appropriate times and we should listen to our inuition. I tmight help to have a third party just remind you that you are normal and doing well despite the horrendous journey.
Love and hugs to you hun. xoxox

Tash, I am sorry love you are finding the days tough right now. This will be an off and on reality for a while now...as you know more than all of us. I wish i could take the pain away for you hun, give it all back and a happy ending. EDDs are tough times and not much i can say to make it better but i promise i am thinking of you and wishing you every calmness. Sending you much love hun, go gently and stay in touch. Vent all you need to, we are here to listen.

Dores, I woudl simply love you to have twins again. Not to replace N and S in anyway but to show you your body can do it and there can be an alternative ending.I say alternative because i know having them were a beautiful blessing and a happy moment even though their lives were short. I would just love you to watch you beam with another pregnancy ...and twins to boot.
Ahhh, forced delays- I tend to agree that they have some sort of devine plan. I don't know. Iguess i have the feelings that if i was a day late from getting started...it might mean that my body was actually going to ov later than usual. I am trying to believe that if i trust myself enough and my inuition..it will happen, eventually, but perfectly.
In saying that, libido for me is out the window right now with a 4 legged madam in the house.

AFM- Tough week...actually a tough couple of weeks. Some of which i will explain. The first 2 weeks of having our little friend has been challenging and ther have definitely been times of resenting her a little that we have her and not our baby girl running about the place. I have cried many tears these last two weeks. I was starting to get my head above water/tears and DH came home early enough for me to go to Yoga. He looked after madam for us and i set off for 2 hours to lose myself in bliss. This particular day i really needed it, I had just found out SIL is pregnant with their 3rd and last child. She has also had an early miscarriage inbetween the two she has. I am thrilled for her and of course it also brings up heartbreaking moments of joy/sadness for me and DH too.
I then found out that a friend is losing her baby at 20 weeks after just finding out now that there were severe issues. I just lost it. I am heartbroken for them. It is also at a time everything feels so raw for me again. My period arrived the next day. And i have had to pull out of looking after any of my nephews right now with the pup we have. I feel broken, i miss my boys and i miss my baby. I am trying to find the new me in this life we have and today she is a bit lost.
Pup getting much better. She is very bright and we are learning how to occupy her...it requires a lot of time and energy but we are moving forward.

Better run. xoxo

Gi - oh my blossom, thankyou for you kind words. You are not broken my dear, just down trodden with the weight of the world on your shoulders. Hugs for hard times. You will see your boys again soon and they will zoom around with their super hero capes on saving the world one little boy moment at a time. Even though I never met her, I feel like I know your DD. And that's because you keep her light so bright and pure, and I feel blessed that just sometimes her light shines on me. Or at least it feels that way when you talk about her. Oh sweetie, I am so so sorry for your friends and their wee baby. Congrats to your SIL too, lucky them huh? But at the same time it just reminds you of what your heart desires.... give the four legged fiend a pat for me and glad that things are improving. Good work DH for giving you a break so you could go to yoga - see if you can do it next week too!

Tashy - I have had a weird couple of days not really knowing whether I was coming or going and just really vague and disorganised. Makes it hard I know. Hope we can sync things soon. Hugs sweetie for Jude's EDD. I never really askedbefore, but what's the story behind Leo's name?

This is going to sound really weird, but I just realised that I am in the 2ww. Can you believe it? OMG. I am actually quite stunned and it feels a bit surreal. But like Gi, I have some sad news around me and it takes the shine off. My friend just had an ivf cycle that was going to be cancelled then wasn't. Anyway, no eggs were able to be retrieved. My friend is doing it real tough, and my heart just aches for her. Anyway, I had better be off. Have to be up sparrow fart tomorrow. Yikes.

Hi everyone :hello: I just thought I would post a link to my blog, if anyone wants to know the story of Baby Button.

Many :hug: and :bluedust::pink-babydust: being sent your way.. I hope no one thinks I am being insensitive by posting..

Hi-- we just found out that this pregnancy is not viable. No heartbeat. I suspected it...but it still sucks. Royally.

Oh S&S, I am sorry hun. That is horrible news. I am thinking of you and hope with all my heart you heal in time, you are one strong lady. I am just so sorry.

Blessed- Hun, I can't see the link. I might not have worked it out though. I am sorry you are going through such a tough time love. It iwll be good to know your story.

Dores, precious...good luck through your TWW, how very exciting. My fingers are crossed tightly for you and my hopes could not be higher. It is time! Thinking of you. Thank you for your kind words hun, yep i think Yoga is out this week. DH has been so under staffed lately but the good news is he has found a couple of new staff, so once training is done, i might see him a bit more....starting to forget what he looks like! ;) I woke up this morning, wanting a weekend from little miss four legs. She took me for a ride yesterday for sure. Devilish miss she is. Absolute waste of time getting mad...although sometimes i do, at myself. We are getting there. This is tougher than i thought it would be. But there have been improvements.
She is asleep, might try and get a spot of yoga in now.

Hi girls just popping in to let ur know our little bear is a girl. Will be back to catch up properly when I've had some time to process. Feeling a bit deflated atm

Oh Skybie, that is wonderful news hun...a little strawberry shortcake. Hope you are feeling good about it. Were you expecting a little boy? Hope you are doing alright babe and hope you feel less deflated soon. xoxo. Thinking of you and throwing a princess fairy party here for you!

Cindee, so sorry i missed your post. Welcome and hope you find the support you need in here. A wonderful bunch of women and we are most of the time active and chatting. Let us know your story. So sorry for the heartache you must have experienced to have found us. xoxox

Warning: Griping and TMI will follow. Sorry.
I wish I would go ahead and bleed already. This is crazy-making. Not sure when my body is going to figure out what is happening. I do not want to end up at the hospy.
In addition, my very public job means that I may start the m/c in a very public place.
SCREAM.
Not a good day, exactly. I feel disappointed and sad...and wondering how bad this is going to be.
SCREAM again.