Sunshine - hugs my sweet blossom... I am so sorry. Grieve the loss of this pregnancy as you need to. I hope that the bleeding starts in private for you, is it possible to take a few days off to take care of yourself rather than putting others first? If not, sending you as much strength as you need.
Oh darling girl. I am so sorry you are facing this. I hope with all my heart this happens at home in your time, with your focus in your space, away from the world and their thoughts. I hope you get to rest with this tiny baby and heal together. Meditate a little hun and ask your body to let go. It is such a tough time to wait. Your body needs time and it will catch up. Have faith, as hard as that is right now. It will catch up. Thinking of you and don't be scared, as much as i hope it happens at home, wherever and whenever it does will be and you wil handle it perfectly babe. Keep moving, keep living as best you can. Thinking o fyou and sending you much strength and love right now. xoxoxox HM
Hi all. Firstly, I've changed my username to honour my new avvy, but it's still me, tashybabe :)
S&S - I am so, so sorry :hug: You must be devastated. If you need to chat, let me know, either here or FB or email. I am thinking of you. I also think of your little boy often. I also had a mmc. My body held on for 2 weeks before we found out and I ended up opting for a D&C. One day, we will both get take home babies.. it will happen. Meanwhile, let yourself greive. For both this baby and your son.
Gigi1 - I hope SnapDragon stops pushing your buttons soon. I hope you're also getting lots of love and cuddles as well as having your patience tested. I know you're not allowed to say too much. I remember my mum's dog as a pup. She was a defiant little thing. She'd just sit there, staring at me as if to say "who do you think you are, you're not the boss of me", then run away! It took time but with lots of love and patience, she turned out to be a very loving dog. Still with her own special personality, but very gentle.
So sorry about your friend. That's incredibly sad. I also find myself heartbroken when I hear about other baby loss. I know what hell it is and wouldn't wish it on anyone.
EJ - so good you have a better Dr. They make such a difference. I've been tested for ANA and lupus too. They can affect fertility, so it's good they've picked it up now. I hope you're fundraising tea went well. It's a great thing to do and I hope you made lots of money.
That's awful about listening to a woman talk like that to her children. I've seen something similar and it just breaks my heart. Dont they realise how lucky they are?
cindee - welcome. sorry to see you with us. Do you feel like sharig your story?
dory - sorry we keep missing each other. the hugs are lovely and do help. Fx your 2WW ends in another 8-9 months with a healthy bundle of joy :) Happy belated birthday for HB. I think it's lovely you want twins again. DH suggested twins to me (as if it's something we can control) but it scares me. Given we're only likely to go again one more time it may solve the problem of no living siblings. But if they both had more genetic problems, it would be awful. Happily, not something I can control. There's fraternal twins on my paternal side (Dad's Mum was a twin) but that rules me out.
As for Leo's name, it was a name we thought of a few weeks before he was born. We got it off West Wing and added it to our shortlist. It was about 3rd or 4th. Then he was born early and he looked like a Leo to us, with his strong build and ginger hair. We was a determined little boy, coming out bum first, kicking all the way. Later, we realised he had been born on a full moon in Leo, so it felt like it was meant to be. Which is both happy and sad to think of.
Hugs for your friends. I also have friends who just had a failed cycle. They do have a couple of frosties, but I know they're devastated. It's their 4th go I think.
BAL - I am thinking of you and little Jett everyday. I read your blog. It looks like he's doing wonderfully well so far. I know you must be worried and feeling like you're reliving things, but he's growing and hopefully you'll be able to take him home soon (but not too soon of course)
Skybie - :hug: take all the time you need and don't beat yourself up for your feelings. You're allowed to feel disappointed and deflated. Would writing to Jack help at all?
Hello to anyone I missed
AFM. Things are rough. Sleep doesn't want to be my friend so sleeping pills are at the moment :( I know I'll get through. It's not like there's any alternative after all, not one I'm interested in anyway. I was never going to get to 40 weeks with this baby. I know I wouldn't have coped mentally. So we should have our take home baby with us by now. In another universe, some woman is introducing her 15 month old son to his baby brother. That should be me. I feel sad and low and ripped off. I don't know what I ever did that was so terrible that this should happen. I know, logically, bad things happen. I just don't understand why us? why our babies? I miss my boys so much.
So this Saturday should have been Jude's due date. We're going to do another balloon release for him. You know what's weird. In the last year or so, the only association I have with balloons is funerals, memorials, death. I wonder if I'll ever be able to have happy balloons, not just goodbye balloons? Anyway, we'll take them to a lake we went to when we found out he was sick. Then we have some family and our midwife coming for dinner Saturday night. We'll be cooking Indian, so I'll be starting prep for that Thursday :) It's also Pregnancy & Infant loss day, so I'll be lighting candles for both our boys.
There's a Walk to Remember with SIDS & Kids and SANDS at Albert Park on Sunday we may go to. More balloons there too.
I don't see me going back to work any time soon. I left the house today to pick up drycleaning. Not exactly being a productive member of society...
I think we're cancelling Christmas this year too. We did it last year, I even decorated the tree. I just can't bear it this year. We had dinner with family last week and they gave us an ornament with Jude's name on it, to match Leo's from last year. I just broke down howling for ages. It's not their fault. It's just how things are now. At least now they may see, when I say I can't socialise, I'm not just being difficult. I'm not going to big functions full of strangers when I'm likely to have a meltdown. Maybe, now, they get it.
Sorry for the sooky post. Just not coping right now.
Big hugs Tash :hug:. It's a bloody tough road some of us must travel. It does get easier hun, but it takes a lot of time, and even then I think of Josh every single day still. So it never goes away, that feeling of wanting them back every day and missing them like crazy. One day at a time hun :comfort:
I'll most likely be going on Sunday too. I went the first time they had it 2 years ago and missed the last year's one as we were going to China around theat time and the weather was crap and I was scared wee man would get sick. Pm me if you feel like having a meet up or a chat.
Oh Tash i love the new name. Very fitting. Darling girl, i have the very same deep thoughts everyday at the moment, gut wrenching and horrible with no answers to the questions- well none i am happy with. It is tough hun and I am so sorry it is a particularly raw time for you right now with dates. This weekend will be a challenge i am sure but also i think, fitting that everyone around the world is mourning at the same time for someone they know. The boys are celebrated in such a big way with such awareness. We will be lighting candles too. I went last year and found it a bit awkward, my life at the moment with this puppy is so full on, i won't get to go. But next year i might just do it again. We shall see.
Little snap dragon is doing well and improving. Still very much pressing my buttons but she is getting there. She is really wanting more and more stimulation which is good i think.
Love to all and thinking of you all. oxox HM
Tash - thankyou for sharing about Leo's name. Just as an aside, I love the West Wing too.
I am sorry that things are so tough. Always questions without answers and always just a little bit broken, that's how I feel some days too. I think you're doing remarkably well sweet. Just cause you've been there before, doesn't make it any quicker or easier to get through, it just means you know a little more of what to expect and I think the lows are much lower and any sense of being at ease is a lot harder to come by. It's also a lot harder to dust yourself off and get up the second + time. I know that for sure. After one I think there is still optimism, and a strong desire to get through the pain. After more than one, there is less motivation to find a way forward quickly and there is a bizzare comfort and ritual in the pain and grief. It is such hard work, honestly, such hard work. You are doing so well.
Skip christmas, do what you need to do. If people aren't kind enough to try and understand your feelings, then try not to worry. Have they walked in your shoes? I can understand about breaking down when your fam gave you the ornament. I think I would have too. Thing is, my fam just ignore my angel babies very existence. And as you know, one recently told me there were insignificant and I needed to not be so morbid and get on with it. To be honest, I think I would rather they at least acknowledge them.
Anyway, I am truly humbled, we asked for donations for HB's first birthday in lieu of presents to go to Angel Babies Foundation ( Tash you inspired me for this one) and we raised $800. Can you believe it? Interestingly, the person who gave me so much grief about it? I think they made a donation, annonymously because of the the message they sent to HB.... not sure what's worse, the apparent hypocracy by making an anon donation or that I may have actually changed their mind. Hell must have frozen over for me to change their mind, so iI am going to stick with hypocracy.
Oh, dear, a bit bitter am I today. Best be off.
Gi - give snap dragon a hug for me.
Dores, i have never known you to be bitter hun...you are far from it although it might be how you feel. I think you are smashing! Will give SD a hug for you...when she is asleep so she does eat me. She just did so well on an outing. Very very well. I have an hour to me now....hmmm washing ironing, dishwasher and something to eat that doesn't involve moving her from in front of the fridge door.
Tash, thinking of you today and hope you are feeling well. xoxoxo
I lost my first reply, so I will try again... Hi everyone--
The miscarriage began-- it's not too terrible-- though of course, emotionally devastating. But my body seems to be handling it well. I hope that I can go through this naturally without having to have a D&C to clean things up. Anyway...I am doing okay considering.
Tash (and others) -- We aren't celebrating XMAS either-- well, we are helping to make Xmas for the churches, 'cause of our professions, but on the homefront-- we aren't having a tree or many decorations, and we are planning to "escape" (ie "go away") to make things different. Our son was "supposed to be" with us, in a living breathing way, but we are going to acknowledge his presence regardless, albeit in a different way.
I read somewhere that preparing for "the holidays" by having "a plan" is helpful. I think that this is what we are trying to do.
Gotta go to work--
Peace to all.
S&S- So sorry things have started for you love but i guess good too knowing it was coming anyway. You seem to be handling it with much strength. Thinking of you and hoping your body does what is needed to heal without any intervention. I have faith that you just might be fine as your body has birthed before...not that is make s huge difference for the placenta to let go, but it will certainly help with your body's efficiency as it 'knows' what to do even more than before.
Love and peace to you. xxoxox
Hey beautiful people,
Only have time to say love & many hugs to those who need them (that is all of us right?).
My heart breaks for the sadness some of you are feeling & the pain you are going through.
Having to deal with imbeciles on top of that......sheesh, as if it aint tough enough.
I am sad to hear some of you are cancelling xmas but I totallly understand why you are doing so.
Will bbl for proper catchups but wanted you all to know I was around & reading & sharing in your journeys.
xxxx
Hello lovely lady MT2- Good to hear from you and knwo you are still around.
Hope you are doing ok love. x
As for Xmas, well it has never been the same and we have definitely pulled back but we still get invovled to some extent for my nephews. We have have avoided xmas get togethers and xmas has been slowly growing in our home. Last year we put up some decs but not many. We have a stocking for DD and each day of December we write down a thought, memory, something we have done or want to say to her and on xmas morning we open them all and read them out loud for her. That is our xmas morning. I do tend to feel quite gloomy and really don't want to get all that invovled. It is a time of year that is such a strong reminder that our family is not as we hoped or dreamed. We don't have a living child and xmas is so family and child orientated...even our own memories of our childhoods. We cry a lot over xmas time. It is also a really busy time for DH's work so we resign to that and we don't fight it. We are used to not being able to go to 'get togethers' at that time and to be honest, it is a good excuse to have as we just don't feel like it most of the time...yet. I find myself saying...we are just so busy, sorry we can't catch up...and banking of the years of service in hospitality, I have been able to say..well you know it is not a great time of year for us to get together.
We went to an early xmas dinner last year with all the family, as everyone would be elsewhere and travelling. We wanted to give the kids our gifts and have dinner with all. My family have a tradition of sorts that started on a family trip one year...highlights and lowlights. Each day on the trip we would all list our highlight and lowlight. Well everyone said, right....time to do highlights and lowlights for the year. My brave Dh spoke up and said he couldn't think of a highlight as our lowlight was that our daughter can't be here for xmas. HE said a bit more through tears and i admire him so much as i still don't have the courage to speak up to my family. They forget and expect so much sometimes. But who can blame them, until you walk in someone elses shoes. I would never wish this understanding on anyone.
So I am not sure what we will do this year with the family. I think we will celebrate early again and try and keep xmas day to ourselves. The actual day has become a bit of a calm and peaceful day for us these last couple of years, expressive don't get me wrong, but open and free to feel how we want and that can be calming. I think the stress that coems from being around everyone can often be ...for me, that I can't be and feel myself. xoxoxo My two bobs.
Love and hugs to you all. xoxoxox HM
Hi Lovely Ladies,
As I read through I see a lot of talk about Christmas! I cannot believe we are coming up to this time of year! As many of you on here our Christmas this year is not what I had pictured in my head last Christmas! Our daughter helping our new baby open their presents etc. We will just do Christmas like we normally do I guess, I am sure it will hit me closer to the day that this is not how it was meant to be.
Hi S&S, sorry to hear about your miscarriage and I hope that it has finished for you without any intervention. I was 'lucky' with mine in August that I started to bleed on the Saturday and had bub on the Sunday (the product was complete, quoting the Dr!). So no medical intervention was needed.
GiGi - how is the new pup going? Our dog that I got suckered into taking from work, has FINALLY stopped chewing absolutely everything! He loves coke bottles with water frozen in them (label and lid removed) He spends ages chewing on them and loves when the ice comes out. How is everything with you? I hope that you are well and in a great baby making place right now. I hope that the new pup is not stressing you out too much and that they settle into a great routine for you xo
M2Two - Hello! Hope you are well xo
LionsandBears - Hi honey - I hope that you are doing well - I have no real words for you. I hope that you got through Jude's due date ok. As you already know it is a hard day, but just hard in a different way. Everyday we are aware of what we have lost and what could have been, it's just these days are such an important date from the moment we fall pregnant ( i know its the first thing I work out - when am I due!!) I hope that you are sleeping better and doing whatever you need to do to get through your days and nights. Big hugs and much love to you xox
Cindee - I hope your going ok? I have only seen your one post and hope that you feel like you can post here soon.
Dory - Wow!! $800!! That is amazing! You should be so proud. Our angel babies are our babies. At no matter what age we lose our babies they are a child that we do not have with us here on earth. I have lost at 27 weeks gest and at 8 weeks 5 days and they are both terrible. I am lucky that I have such a great family and group of friends that I openly talk about my pregnancies and losses with them. People who just dismiss them as being insignificant should really take a good long hard look at themselves. Would they say the same if we had lost our babies to SIDS or illness or accident? It doesnt matter that our babies didnt make it to be here at home with us. Our loss is our loss. Sorry for the rant - I have had a few comments like "its ok you can have another" etc. Other peoples ignorance really ****es me off.
AFM - off to see my Dr on Thursday to get some results from the truck load of tests that have been done. Apparently its some type of auto immune thing so fingers crossed he has some answers and we can get to making babies lol. Our fundraiser went really really well. We raised over $1800 on the day and had 61 ladies come to the event ( and my husband - lol. He just loves being with all the women!) So now we are going through the process of becoming a registered charity and that is amazingly difficult and costly! Our local bank - Hunter Mutual have given us an account fee free and we are one of their charities now so people can nominate us and 1% of their interest the bank will donate that to us. Hopefully we can get some massive accounts :).
Ok I better go and cook tea before the family fades away :)
Big hugs and much love to you all.
Love Trace xoxoxo
Hiya, just sneaking in to let you know I got a bfp this week. I will pop in every so often, to check on you my lovelies. I know nothing is guaranteed and it is very early days at the mo. I am excited but just trying to live in the moment. I am going away for a while so that will be a nice distraction. Little raspberry is being kind to me so far.
EJ - fx with the results, and also fund raising. thanks for your rant, it soothes the soul.
Dory- I am so thrilled for you :dance: that's fabulous news. Lots and lots of sticky vibes. I hope you have a healthy, boring pregnancy. Moment by moment is the way to be.
I'm out of town. I'll respond more when I'm back. I hope everyone else is ok.
Dory!!!!! I am super excited for you, congratulations Hun!!!
Hello ladies, I am still lurking in here as u can see. Afm: anxiety has kicked in but I think I am doing reasonably well keeping it under control. 1 meltdown in 30 weeks is ok isn't it??? I am trying to stay out of stressful situations as they tend to get my anxiety in over drive. And I am so sick of telling me everything is "normal" nothing is normal for me, I understand people are trying to make me stress less, but it is annoying and I don't know how to say stop it!
The fact that I feel bubs isn't as reassuring as one might guess, I felt Matthew move and wriggle right through labor. My thoughts on the c section and my own mortality is a weird one.... But these things are to be as expected yes??? Haha I can only trust people who have experienced loss and carry that weight around to "get it"
Anyway I hope all of you are loving and taking care of yourselves this coming Christmas. Thinking of you all and you are all in my heart.
hi ladies
I'm home briefly between trips. DH is away for work and I'll be joining him for a week. I really dont cope well with being away from him too long anymore. Years ago, I used to dislike it but I'd manage. Not so much anymore.
Gigi1 - I hope you're OK and snap dragon is still improving.
dory - congratulations again. I hope you're doing OK as well. I know managing the fear is hard. One day at a time, darling and we're here to support you whenever you need.
I feel hurt for you that your family dont acknowlege your darling children. I cannot understand that - it must be devastating for you. Well done on the fundraising. It's nice to make a difference.
S&S - thinking of you. I hope the mc wasn't too hard on you physically. I know it will take a long time to heal emotionally. Take things easy. We wont be going away for Xmas, as we're going away in Nov/Dec and will be home by then. However, we will be keeping it quiet. Just walking into shops with all the Xmas decorations up makes me cringe and I want to close my eyes. I feel sad about that, as usually I like Xmas. I even made an effort last year, decorating the tree in blue and gold for our boy. I just cant do it this year. We'll probably end up watching the Godfather trilogy or Star Wars or something.
Mummyto2 - how are you going?
EJ - I hope your results give you a roadmap as to where to go next. Well done on your fundraiser - that's a fabulous result.
Lady Tess - I think 1 meltdown in 30 weeks is extraordinary. i'd had at least 2 or 3 by 20weeks. Sadly, they wont sedate me through the next pregnancy (that was a sort of joke). I get the frustration with people trying to assure you of normal. I dont suppose laughing hysterically at them would help. Can you say gently, I know you mean well, but it doesn't help me at all, so can you please not pretend everything is going to be OK until I have a living, screaming child in my arms? I understand the fear. I felt Leo kicking on the way out. So what? Yes, a kicking baby is good. Absolutely. And it's good to engage with baby, talk to baby etc. Doesnt mean you'll feel safe until it's over. Take care, you're in the home stretch now. I imagine the anxiety may actually increase, but I think having a definate end date may help.
AFM. crap. I had an appointment with the shrink today. On my own, as DH is away. Which was good, as I could open up about what a **** wife and mother I think I am. I feel so fat and ugly, I dont know why he's still with me.... which is what I think on bad days. Even though DH assures me he still loves me. I just take the blame of our sons dying on myself even though there's nothing I did wrong, nothing I could have done differently, at least that we know about. At the moment we're still just monitoring to see if this becomes depression that needs medication. Because we know I'm not taking anything in pregnancy and if I have to take ADs, despite how low risk they are, I wont cope at all. I am so paranoid about exposing myself to anything harmful in case we have another sick baby. If I end up on ADs, that will delay TTC for at least a year.
I do feel rubbish for not losing more weight. I have the mummy tummy and no babies. I never got to see if breasfeeding helps. Never got to do any of those things normal mummies do. I feel like maybe my babies were taken because someone knows I would be a **** mum. That doesnt explain how crack whores are able to produce living children they can then abuse and I cant, but that's how I feel some days.
In other news, I have been researching my family tree. It started as a way to see if I could identify genetic reasons for our babies dying and ended up being a hobby. I went away with family this week and part of the trip I spent researching ancestors on the Victorian goldfields. I found some useful information. I also visited a couple of cemetaries to see where the ancestors are buried. It was beautiful and sad. The old sections of cemetaries are full of baby graves - many families losing multiple children. I took some flowers for 2 baby girls in the family who passed a 9 and 16 months and later found out another baby is in the same grave. I just felt so sad. What haunts me is the grave of a 24 year old woman with 4 of her babies, aged 10months, 11months, 12 months and 6 weeks. I just can't comprehend that kind of loss and grief.
Even turning on TV seems to be potluck. I was watching some UK crime program the other day and it turned out to include dead children.....is it just me or is it everywhere? Is it like when you buy a blue car, you see blue cars all around? I just wonder, did I not notice before? Is anyone else more sensitive now?
On a happier note, a babyloss mama I know is having a scheduled c/s today for her rainbow baby. I am waiting for the birth announcement. She's had a very stresful pregnancy and is struggling to believe she'll be taking home a live baby. I can't wait to see pics and find out her name.
I am back but will be back in later to read...just wanted to let you know I am here. Hope to be in tomorrow. xoxoxo I have not read yet so sorry if this seems insensitive to good and bad news out there. Promise to be back soon. xoxo
I promise to make time for you lovely ladies over the weekend also.
Feel I have been a bit neglectful of late..... I have been reading your news
but will defo be back for some persies on the weekend. Pinky promise :)