TTC after Recurrent Miscarriage/Stillbirth/Late Loss

Hello ladies, i have gotten all that pesky work stuff out of the way and i am all yours!!!

OK, things are still see sawing for me. Up and down. One minute i feel completely pregnant, then the next i feel full of energy and fine. I just do not know.

I had to have the blood test on Wednesday morning, the dr said he will call as soon as he knows anything, but not to hold my breath till friday. I had to have a glucose test where i had to fast overnight. i did another test with my mum yesterday, got a neg then as Judy said, i keep them all and after we had been shopping (like hours later) i checked and again there was this faint line, but the dr has already told me that happens when they get left to dry up, so i dont know. And judy, i am not sure if i could get a picture of it on here, i am not in the digital age yet, i still have the old fashioned camera with good old film. I could send my pee soaked tests to you if you would really like!!! :lol: Just let me know!!! I have them all!!!
But seriously, the lines are there, i am just not convinced.

NOW ladies, when i get my blood test back- Judy you mentioned a number 152, what does that number mean and what number do i want to hear???????? I have never needed a confirmation BT before or even know what the go is, what actually comes up in my blood? I have heard other women in here talking about having levels chacked to make sure they are still producing something which means the pregnancy is happening or if their levels are down that M/c is going to occur. Can anyone give me a heads up on what the number should be and what it might mean so i may be prepared when the dr tells me??? Or is that another test all together?? I was also tested for my anticardio again and CMV which i had while in the last stages of preg with Zahra. Plus the glucose thing and something else, i cant remember what it all meant. I hope they dont make me wait for the results on everything before they call me, i specifically asked for a ASAP phone call re being pregnant.

I am abit scattered at the moment. I am quite edgy and flittery, i am telling everyone who asks anything everything that is going on, all the girls at work know, even my fav old mate Fred our 100 yr old licensee who lives here is up with whats going on. He said i shouldn;t have put up with the lady telling me i had to wait to have my BT (coz of the glucose thing) he said i should have told her to do it anyway and bugger the results coz all i cared about was whether i was preg and now i have to wait an extra day. "I just tell them what to do- you will learn when you get to be as old as me" quote.

Everyone has been really good. We had an old friend visit on Tues night and he brought a friend with him and as conversations happen, we told them where we were at (WAITING) and Ben, they guy we just met started to say congratulaions, Well Shane said thanks, "but even if we find out she is for sure, we are not accepting any congrats until the baby is born because we have tried this before and it hasn't worked." So straight away he says sorry and we showed him Zahra's shelf and he actually really looked and was really considerate and caring and we had just met this guy!! AS the night went on (we were watching the eclipse) and the boys had had a bit to drink, he actually pulled me aside and asked if he could ask me about it all. He was curious as to what had gone wrong in the past etc and we had a little chat and it was nice to have someone be really genuinly interested and not afraid to ask questions,(especially a bloke!!) but still have the respect not to intrude. It was a nice change, He wished us all the best when they left the next day and he said he will be thinking of us and to make sure we let him know either way, and let him know as soon as he can start congratulating us.

I tell you what tho- i am seriously thinking (in worst case senario) that if this isn;t going on now, that i may have to really consider surrogacy. I just stress myself out too much, I would love to be able to have my egg and shanes sperm make a baby and then put it somewhere else for 9 months where i am not reponsible for my thoughts and feelings to be influencing things. I am too aware of how much i influence my body. I know i am stressing out now, and i dont even know i am pregnant. I am aware that even that stress on my body is effecting everything, i know all of this but i cant stop it from happenening. Plus i may have to consider the fact that my body does not have a good track record for this and it may just be the option that i need to take. i just dont know. i know i am trying to cope, and i am trying to maintain some normality in my waiting days but it is so hard. i feel like i am floating around me and i am too scared to actually feel anything, oh ****, i am starting to cry, this sux.
the worst part is that i am not even coping waiting for a week to know if i am pregnant, how am i going to realistically make it through 9 months????
With plenty of ups and downs thats how.
BOOST OF DETERMINATION
i have to do it. i know i want to do it, but can i do it?

Going to hang around and wait for some replies, i will be floating in the threads. i am ok, its just nice to get it all out and it is the first time i have shed a tear, this week anyway.

THANKYOU EVERYONE FOR BEING HERE!!! i am ok, just letting it all out.
xox Kat

p.s Judy yes you can call me kat in here, its just on headings and sigs and stuff i didn't want my old name coz it was too obvious if someone checked new posts or stuff, but in here should be fine!!

JO when i lived on the hill in my farm house, we used to leave the cobwebs coz they caught the bugs!!! :lol:

phew Thanks for that kat, I thought I had put my foot in it again. Still getting used to BB as opposed to other forums.
Ok beta tests.. when you go to your dr to confirm a pregnancy they can do one of two tests. There is the qualiative test or the quantative test. the quali one just gives you a yes/no answer. The quan test gives you a hCG level. The level varies between how many DPO/weeks you are. Generally around 13dpo anything over 100 is good. The test is normally done twice, 48 hrs apart. The number is supposed to double in 48 hrs to indicate a healthy pregnancy.
If it goes up but does not double then they may suspect an ectopic pg. I had that happen in November 05. my first beta was 141 then 48 hrs later was 205. I had to go straight to my OB and he did a scan and another beta. The scan showed no ectopic but inconclusive as to whether it was a slow pg or a failed pg.. that beta came back at 178 and then 4 days later was down to 15 but I had already started to m/c the day before.
It can be very useful as one of the earliest signs of a succesful pregnancy or whether it is doomed right from the start.
However. a good doubling does not mean you end up with a baby either. Joey was 123 at 13dpo then 271 at 15dpo so a more than 48 hr doubling time but I still lost him at 11w4d. Then Ethans betas were 150 at 13dpo and at 17dpo it was 968 so a doubling time of about 31 hrs.. but I lost him at 7wks.
Samuel was 390 at 16dpo with no 2nd beta and he is here...
I never had any betas with the others.
I hope that has proved a bit of an insight into what the early tests can show. :)
As for stress.. I often think about that and how much it influences pg or not and as was pointed out to me people have been in extreme stress and hardship and still have babies. So don't stress about the stress lol.

I hope you all have a good weekend and we all get some much needed rain and of course BFPs
hugs
Judy

Thought I would just pop in and say hello :)

howdy everyone.
Jo & Klee- thanks so much for the hugs. it helps so much just to be able to tell you all how i really feel knowing i won't be judged, and better than that, i will be understood. thanks! i feel much better today, lots of sleep and thinking about Yeti being happy for us and helping us . . .
Klee- good on you for spoiling dp for his birthday!
Jo- cobwebs are a specialty at my place too- fun fun- like Kat i leave them up for as long as i can stand them and until they start to take over so they can catch the bugs.
Ellie- so sorry for your losses. i wish you didn't need to be here, but am glad you have found this thread. these folks are a lifeline for me.
Starbright- big hug to you darlin. what stress - i'd like to knock your doc one for not getting that test faster. you are a strong lady, Kat, i know that from your posts - i don't suppose that will make it easier, but it is true. your stress and fear are so normal. try to take a big slow breath, and remember what Judy said -- lots of stressed out ladies have healthy babies. take good care of yourself.
LizJessie- hi!

Hi,

Just wanted to say Hi to Ellie & LizJessie,

I'll be back in later to do some personals!

morning ladies
kat - thinking of you today hon, i hope judy's response helps a little with the knowledge of what you should be looking at. am in total agreeance with auntie m and i've said this to you before, you are such an amazing woman to have faced what you have to still find the strength to follow your heart. you will be a wonderful mother when you get that screaming bundle of joy in your arms. you make me laugh you make me cry, you are inspirational, if not a little crazy, but thats what makes you special! lol your pm yesterday, i never want to hear something like that again lol, i am still laughing and disgusted at the thought!
jo - how you going today? is it a good day
judy - how are you? i loved the idea of the eeyore pendant, it sounds gorgeous, gives us a new way to look at how we are feeling
auntie m - give peanut a welcoming rub for me, and blow a kiss to yeti.
lizjessie - welcome, i have seen you around in a few other forums and look forward to hearing of your ttc journey, i hope its a short one for you. oh and i think we are cycle buddies
ellie - how you going today? thinking of you
mel - i know you are lurking, am looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, its going to be emotional but i know you can do, nicholas is going to be soooo proud of you
as for me, dp and i had a wonderful night, we had laughs and tears, he told me it was his best birthday ever, thats a big call. and ssh this is a ssecret but he also asked me that question i've been waiting 9 years to hear (being shall i put a new toilet roll on? kidding), and of course i said yes :). oooh now i can change his dp to df (how childish do i sound), this might sound really selfish but i just wish we were o'ing, as we might have hit the jackpot, lol

Klee can I be the first to say congratulations on converting the DP status to DF woo hoo girl, what a way to celebrate a birthday :D
Aunty M I hope you can start to see the rainbow days and that Peanut is a very sticky and healthy one for the 40 week limit.
Lizjessie I hope you get a sticky bean soon. It is hard to face recurring m/c :( Have you had any testing doen to find out why?
Ellie you have looked to have walked a long hard road to Motherhood. I hope the road will soon be a smooth one with the only bump in it being a bump that grows for 40 weeks. Good luck with the CSI.
Jo how are you? Thinking of you.
Joanne how are you feeling... anything we can obsess over yet ?
Kat it is Friday... when do you hear from the Dr?
Hi to everyone I have missed.
Sore bbs and a headache today.. one HPT in the house so I am not even considering using it unless I cave on Dhs birthday next Saturday or if not then it will be if I get to be at least 4-5 days late..rain on the roof and DS2 with a sore broken toe.. hyep roll on the weekend.
hugs
Judy
PS The rain is wonderful

Klee - :happyforyou: I am so happy for you hun! thats great news!

Well, how is everyone else?

Starbright - any news?

Judy - I saw the eeyore pendant in a magazine today, it is so cute!

Mel - Hello & come back soon, we miss you!

hiya again, just an update from kat, and unfortunately not good news, af came last night and from what i understand its pretty heavy and clotty, she is just off to docs now as they rang this morning with the results, she is going in to have a chat, she wanted you all to know and also that she is ok just, as expected, very very sad.
kat hon thinking of you today, let all the emotions out, hug dh, knowing that he is by your side through it all, as are we.

oh Kat I am so sorry .. I wish I could pass on a big hug in person. Take it easy hun.
Thank you Klee for passing on the info

hugs
Judy

Thanks Klee.

Oh Kat, I'm so sorry hun! I'm sending you huge hugs!

Kat, swettie I am so sorry hun. We are all here for you. Sending you a big warm cuddle :hugs:

Lv Spring

kat, oh darlin, i'm sending all my love and hugs to you today. :hug: i hope that doc can clear things up for you.

Klee- :dance: congrats!! i don't think you sound childish at all - it means a lot! yippee & woo hoo! hugs for you all, and Phoebe too!

Starbright - I am so sorry. Take care.:hug:

Klee - Congratulations:dance: How exciting. We were the same, been together over 10 years before we did it in March.

Kat - Just popping in to see how you are!

To all that daddies of our precious angels I just wanted to say happy fathers day!

Hi everyone,

I am sorry to be really antisocial lately but we havent had internet since we moved and it was just too difficult to get on and post at work, had a peak every now and then though. But... we have internet as of today :confetti:

If its ok I wont do personals, I just cant possibly read through everything I have missed. But I would like to say:

Kat - I am so sorry, I was gonna call tonight but didnt hear from you so figured you werent up to it. You have been in my thoughts though, and I want to send you a big :hug: I know how heartbreaking it is - you think life is cruel and then it decides to just give you one more slap for your efforts.

Klee - :happyforyou: Congratulations, you so deserve it after all the hard yards youve put in. Now can you tell DF that I said Congrats?

Aunty M - Congratulations to you too, :pray: for a very sticky bub and a very happy and healthy pregnancy.

Deb - Congrats on finding out you have a Colleen :dance:

Klee and Bailey have done a good job of keeping you up to date with IVF so now I just have to work out how to do an IVF ticker (saw one the other day and thought I gotta get me one of those).

We had a birthday party for Nicholas on Saturday and for those who are interested I have updated Nicholas' web page with some pics and a journal entry about how it went.

Best be off, DH had his kids for the first time in 6 weeks this weekend so we are due for some quality sit-down-watch-a-movie time. I have this week off work because of Nicholas' birthday and DH is working at home so we dont have to get up too early in the morning.

Glad you havent forgotten me, was starting to worry LOL ;)

Take care everyone, and I will eventually get up to speed with whats going on around here.

Love Mel :hugs:

OK turns out finding the IVF ticker thing is just far too difficult so I gave up :rolleyes:

Hey welcome back Mel :) I was starting to miss you!
Only yesterday I sent you a message via Klee's PM (she might not have got it yet)

I had a look at Nicholas's site, looks like it was a special b'day party for him (but then he's a special boy) I love his cake & his memory box!
I so wish I could do something like that for Storm, but my family just wouldn"t 'get' it! IYKWIM?

Mel I am soooo glad that you are back, we all missed you like crazy.

I have just looked at Nicholas' website and read your journal entry. Babe the tears are just streaming down my face. You were so very brave to make the day so special for your little boy. It must have been so hard but in some ways healing. I only have a month or so until my little boys first birthday so I hope that I can be as strong as you. He really is your angel.

To everyone else, take care and know that I am always checking on you.

Lv Spring

morning ladies
mel - welcome back we missed you, even though we were still in contact it just wasn't the same in here without you.
i just wanted to say that saturday was so beautiful, almost breathtaking if that word can be used in this instance. nicholas would be so proud of you two, i can just picture him beaming so proudly, reading his messages, looking at the other angels saying "see all that love down there, thats for me". ;)

Hello all you wonderful ladies!!!

Firstly i would like to say thankyou all, i have felt all your thoughts and wishes and klee has passed on your love, thankyou all, i was a bit of a mess, but i would have been alot worse if it wasn't for all of you!!!!

Things are still a little weird- BE PREPARED FOR TMI
So i got Af on thursday night it was brownish at first, then really red and a few clots, some bigger than others. I was in imense pain, belly cramps etc. AF has been like this ever since i got it back after Z. Shane went to work on Fri and took the phone as i wasn't expecting any amazing news from the dr, well the receptionist ppl called to call me in- shane made the appt and came home to get me. We went in just expecting to be told that i wasn't preg, when we got there i said, "well i know im not pregnant, my period started last night" Straight away he asked if it was normal, because my blood test had come back with the level 9 now apparently 2 is not pregnant, but anything over that is "could be" and as i have read from judy's post, it can go up to the hundreds so i am not holding my breath. He wants me to do another test on tuesday just in case.
However- AF has slowed down, and is still very red and it really only went for 2 days full on, not what i would expect if i was expelling what i think i had in there.:cry: So i just dont know. i may be in for more heartache yet. Or i may still have a little something in there fighting hard to stay.

I have to be quick- i will try to be back later.
love to all
And many many many many thanks!!
xoxoxxo

Kat - Sending you all the hugs I can send, hopefully you will know what is going on soon!


As for me, AF is due from anytime tomorrow onwards, not having any symptoms of it, but then no preg ones either! so who knows!

kat - everything is crossed for you, except the obvious cause its o time lol (hope that made you laugh), let us know once you find out,
jo - here's hoping af stays away for the next 9 months anyway
the clouds are finally closing in here, bring on the rain

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to pop in and say hi.

Klee - WooHoo - huge congrats babe! DH and I were together for 7 years before we got married so it is worth the wait!

Jo - thanks for your message - it means alot to me :hug: I hope that wicked witch stays away from you, otherwise I will come down there and kick her @rse!!!!

Kat - I am so sorry babe :hug: I thought with you big positive attitude that you might just get your bfp. Thinking of you and sending you a big big :hug:

Mel - it was good to chat today. I have been thinking of you all weekend and will continue to especially on Wednesday. You have a beautiful little angel who would have had a ball up there in the clouds with all those balloons. You and DH are beautiful parents and I'm sure Nicholas knows how special he is to have wonderful parents like you.

Judy - I hope you are well, take care.

Hi to everyone else :hello:

Morning all, How is everyone?

morning jo, sorry arvo now, how are you? any signs on the big bad witch?
my day is going well, very manic here though so not going to be around much, we are getting internet at home this week so i will be able to go online at home, woohoooo
thanks for all the congratulations, i said to df last night, how about march, he tells me march is too soon, my reply tomorrow is not too soon after 9 years, lol, will see what happens
hope everyone is well

Hey Klee, no sign of the witch yet! March sounds reasonable to me, especially after 9 years! LOL!

What a bummer, i just wrote a post and realised i wasn't logged in and now i have to start again!! oh well, here goes again

Thankyou everyone for Angel Fathers Day messages. My DH had a sad day, but he liked his pressies ( i got him a new mobile and a stainless steel kettle)
He says to say thankyou to everyone for their thoughts, he is glad he is not alone and he hopes all the other daddies got a bit spoiled too.

MEL Yay mel is back online!! I have missed you in here, even tho i have been texting you non stop, it is nice to read your posts.
I am glad you opened my package a day early, what ever helps you through these sad days is good for me. It took me a while to find everything, i dragged my poor mum through all the shops saying "No, thats just not quite right. I will know it when i see it" and i did. I take my hat off to you and DH, i am positive that Nicholas was so very proud of his mummy and daddy for having the strength and love to put on such a special day for him and for yourselves. I love Klee's discription of him looking down at all his love, it is so true. Big warm hugs to you both for tomorrow and every other day you are without your angel.

KLEE I think March would be a lovely time to get married. Will it matter when you get pregnant? Will you rush in and get married first before you start showing or wait until you loose all the excess baby weight? I had a friend who got engaged, set the date and then got preg, it was too late to change everything so she ended up being about 7 months preg at the wedding. And she broke her toe so she ended up barefoot and pregnant walking down the eisle!! She still looked beautiful, her only problem was she had to remake some of her dress coz she just kept getting bigger!!!
I am off computer duties on tuesday now- i had to wait till i actually finished work to get on, Can you beleive that? And it gets worse, i think the chicken lady logged in here on fri and read all the stuff i wrote coz when i logged in on Mon it said i had been in here on Fri, and i was at home in bed when i was Supposedly in here. I have unclicked my rememeber me box, i just have to keep it on while i am in here (or as i found out i loose posts) and then remember to log off. Its a bit sad, but i cant think of another explaination and she has been off me for the last few days so it all makes sense. Naughty Katti for bit#hing about her, i will have to watch that!
And yes i did laugh at the appropriate moment in your post!! Keep those legs open wide, let those little swimmers swim!! Remeber my tips!!

JO I am crossing everything for you (i still have a few more days till i open wide!!) I hope that AF stays far far away. You sound really positive, i hope it makes all the difference!! When do you think you will test? I really want this to happen for us all soon!!Thankyou for my pM, every bit of support helps. Its nice to log on and find people are caring about me!! Thankyou:hug:

Its really just us 4 girls trying here at the moment right? Maybe we can all graduate together, and if any of us are left behind, i am sure we can all still jump over to the other thread together to save everyone having to do both as it is basically all the same ppl. I hope we all fall togetherish, that would be cool.

Well it is too late for my BT today so i will go tomorrow as i have the day off and i am not really expecting my levels to be up at all so it can wait till tomorrow, then it has been a week anyway. I am going to check in with the Big Belly Ladies
Take care everyone and :crossfingers: for Jo
xoxxo Katti

I would like to say a big thank you to everyone who sent us & Nicholas gifts and cards and who have in general been so supportive of us. I feel extremely lucky to have you all, just to have people who understand what this time is like. I dont think I even understood how hard it would be until the time has come. I am getting really teary very easily, and thinking about you all, and how much support you give me is just beyond belief. I think the teariness comes from my dread of tomorrow, but it just makes me feel so emotional knowing that you guys are all there for me even though alot of the people who were at the funeral wont even give Nicholas or us a 2nd though. The effort you have all put in for us is something I will never forget, and I just dont know how I can ever repay you. But one thing I can do is promise I will always be there for you, in good times and bad. That's what friends are for right :)

Thank-you to you all, your DH's and your angel bubs.

Love Mel, DH & Nicholas :hug:

Mel - :hug: Here for you always :hug:

Lynn - Ditto :hug:

Klee - March is not too soon, its ages away - a whole 6 MONTHS! Dont worry, I will work on him for you LOL. DH and I got married on 25 November and we only got engaged just after Nicholas was born so we were quick. I guess it depends on what type of wedding you want. The big white wedding would take a fair bit of planning, but I remember you saying you would only want a small affair so I reckon a couple of months tops! ;) Bummer, about being busy at work - dont they know you have a life? :p

Kat - I hope you are right and we can all graduate together :crossfingers: Did you speak to any of the docs after our convo? Wondering what he thought about the antibodies being negative in the BT.

Jo - :pray: that AF stays away for you. If positive vibes count for anything, all of us are sending them out in masses.

Spring - I know you are coming up to Harry's birthday as well, exactly 1 month and 1 day after Nicholas'. I just hope that I can do something special for you, as you have done for me. And OMG I cant believe lil Spring is about to make HIS/her grand entrance into the world :dance: Time flys - well maybe not for you, but it has for me!

Bailey - Has your brother fixed it? Hope so :)

DH and I are still not 100% sure what we will do tomorrow, we are thinking we will do it on a whim. First things first, see if I can get myself out of bed. If I succeed at that, we might go for a picnic or something. What I would really like is to wake up and find it has all been a bad dream and that Nicholas is crying in his bed cause he wants to get up, and then I can watch him smear his cake all over his chubby little face :(

Bye for now,

Mel

Mel: You are a very special woman, DH is a very special man and Nicholas is a very special boy. I hope that you felt how much love there is for you and Nicholas and we will all be with you every step of the way tomorrow and every day after that.

Lv Spring

Mel...you are amazing...my heart goes out to you and DH...you will be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow. Take care xxx

Thanks Spring :hug:

Thanks Ellie - I think I just posted to you in another thread :hug:

Mel..Yep you did...and you are an inspiration! I feel so bad for complaining about my journey when you have been through so much. I just can't imagine how you've found the strength...again...inspirational xxx

Ellie, I think we are all inspirational to be honest. We all have different journeys and we all have to find the strength to get through the days. Even if someone else is going through something, it doesnt make your own journey any less painful.

I dont think I have seen you around this thread before, but hopefully you stick around... I might need to bug you for IVF info. I have no idea what I am doing LOL basically just doing what they tell me without fully understanding it. Still not 100% sure what the Synarel does, and I researched today and it said dont take it while on OCP but yet IVF tell me to do just that. Told DH and he said dont google! :rolleyes: