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Klee- chicken fried steak is a southern realllllllly bad for you food. You take a cubed steak( steak thats been beten within an inch f its life) and dredge it in flour and fry it... serve it with cream gravy and mashed potatoes. Its the bestest ever. I can hear my arteries scream in clogged agony just typing it.
Gday ladies!!
How EXCITING JO!!!! When will you do your first test??
HAs Ellie tested yet??
CecE- Big hugs to you, i hope this is a good sign for this month. Fried steak!!! Have you tried fried chocolate?? We do it with Mars Bars here- but im not sure if you have those over there- they are a bit like Snickers but with out the nuts!! And they have caramel in them!! YUMM!!
Klee- i bet you are glowing beautifully!!
I ended up at the hospital last night. I was feeling a little weird and DH got worried because i was pale- he thought i might be heomoraging again. All good- i had lost a fair bit of blood(Heavy AF)- but not enough to be worried about. I am giong to the dr this afternoon to check a few things out. I might be low in iron too.
The nurse was a bit concerned about my week late-faint lines, level 9 ( hcg level) last month. I think she was concerned i had actually m/carried sort of. I will get a full exam and possibly a scan to check it is all ok. I may have just gotten an infection. I was putting last month down to me not implanting- so i doubt that there is anything still in there- as the prob was that it didn't implant so it wasn't really stuck there to begin with. KWIM? But its better to be safe then sorry. I sort of felt funny all month- hence why i wasn't trying too hard- i didn't want to get preg until i got AF again just in case.
Has anyone else had anything similar happen? Does anyone thik i may have really m/c?? Didn't want to beleive i was really preg enough to call it a mis carrage.:(
starbright-- I had something VERY similar the cycle before we conceived Eli. I had a ton ( ok 16) faint pos hpts. I went into my doc and my Hcg was at 12. I was told I had a subclinical M/C. Its what most people call a chemical pregnancy. The fertilized egg starts to implant and just doesnt succeed.. sometimes its a lining issue and sometimes its a chromosomal issue. A normal menstruating woman will have levels well under 5. Most will have levels under 2. Chemical pregnancies are often mistaken for a late period. I was only 4 days "late" when started bleeding. Thats one BIG reason I don't like to test early... ignorance would have been bliss. That being said, I know I will test too early this cycle too. Some women can't be taught... and that woman is me.
I would ask your doc if baby asprin would help with implantation at all. I know a lot of women who got their bfp's the cycle they started the baby asprin (myself included). Also with 3 losses... I think a thrombosis panel would be warranted. I found out that the baby asprin helped Eli to implant but I didn't realize (nor did my docs) that I had some more serious clotting issues that ultimately led to Eli's death. SO now I am on heparin shots for my days DPO. Worth looking into for everyone who has unexplained losses, IMO.
Best of luck hun! I'll be praying for ya.
CeCe
Well, yeah i have anticardio lipin antibodies and i was on the aspirin for about 3 months prior to giong off the pill and then i was taking it right up until last month. After what happened there- i went back to my Specialists instructions to wait until i get preg before starting to take the aspirin as i needed to clot a little bit for implantation. My ACa levels were really low last time i checked (last month while late) and i will be getting them checked again today. I stopped taking the asprirn coz i thought thats what made it not happen for me last month. I am thinking about still maybe taking it when AF is here- just for safety reasons. TMI WARNING My AF is really clotty, i pass them when i pee and they are about the size of a 10 or 20 cents peice (cece/auntie m- probly more like a quarter from memory) WAY TMI WARNING but i can feel them sort of sitting just inside me if you know what i mean- and then when i go to the toilet they fall out. my dr has told me about hepporon, but that we will have to wait and see if i have troubles in the first 12 weeks first. I would think maybe that was the case- but that my ACa levels were down, so it rules out that being the cause.
I am so confused- no wonder shane doesn't want to know any of this- its all going around in circles and i have no definate answers- and we all know how much males hate wishy washy stuff with no answers!! LOL
WHERE IS DR MEL??????????
sb - i have no answers, but i think its best to get checked out thoroughly, like i said when i pm'd you, its only going to benefit you in the long run. I guess the only other thing to remember is that every af is different, but then saying that my accupuncturist said you should never pass clots, but i can't say i've ever had one where i haven't. as for dh, unfortunately thats men for us, but you know we are all here for you if you ever need to chat, and for all the gory details.
cece - wow that does sound artery clogging doesn't it, don't eat red meat myself but df would think that was heaven.
how bad is this, I'm blaming the hormones for this, i just went down to get some lunch, and as i was waiting 2 pg ladies walked past me, as i looked out the window another lady started rubbing one of their bellies, right there and then i nearly hurled, i wouldn't wish their bubbas any illharm it was just a timing issue.
Where did Jo go??? I hope she went to get a hpt........
I hope sooooo, Jo where r u????
nope, haven't gone to get a hpt yet, I might give it a day or so!
It's funny, I want to GET pregnant, but I'm s*#%^ scared of BEING pregnant again! As you ladies can fully understand!
Oh yeah!! I hear you!!! Crazy feeling hey? So is AF due today? Your cycle is usually pretty spot on... i have my fingers crossed for you!! How are you feeling?
Not feeling pregnant thats for sure, but my boobs are killing me!
Now I've been meaning to ask you Kat, are you anywhere near Grafton?
Boobs sore = PREGNANT :pray::pray::pray:
Here's hoping! I think! LOL!
Do they know why any of your babies were stillborn, is there any explanation for it? Sorry to touch this sensitive issue, if you don't wish to reply, that is fine.
Sheree, i don't mind, even though Storm was classed as a misscarriage, I think of her as a Stillbirth because of the fact that I still gave birth to her & held her etc... Does that make any sense?
There seemed to be no apparent reason for Storm dying, the doctors said finding a reason was very slim!
So I guess i'll never know but will always wonder IYKWIM.
Jo, oh I thought Storm was a stillborn because of the fact you had to give birth an you buried her??? At what stage do they call the baby stillborn. At what stage do they not make you give birth too???? Sorry for all the questions.
jo - so hope you are pg, the sore boozies are a good sign lol. what day are you on?
Funny you should ask- i'm not- but thats where the chicken farm is. we do the office work out of the pub- but thats where the farm is.
Sheree joy- i have just up dated my TTC journal with most of my full story in there if you want to check it out.
If you make it to about 16-18 weeks they induce you as a d&c is too dangerous. you dont have to have a funeral until they are past 20 weeks or so, i like that Jo decided to do that- i didnt for my first loss (18 weeks) and sort of feel bad about it. At the same time though i didnt associate his spirit with his body(you will understand why when you read my journal) so i wasn't too concerned with what happened to it. (GOd that sounds awfull, but it was how i was feeling)
I had Zahra cremated and she sits in a Noah's Arc childrens Money box on a shelf in our lounge room. We still brought her home- just not how we expected to.
****- i have to go to the dr';s i will be back!!!!
Where do I find your journal sb?
Klee - af is due today or tommorrow.
Sheree - as Kat said, before 18 weeks there is no law that says you have to have a funeral, but the Ob that delivered her, said that anyone is most welcome to make arrangements if they want! We chose to for our older kids sakes(& our own too i suppose), so now they have somewhere to go to visit her KWIM?
Kat - Only reason I ask is cos we might me heading up that way just after xmas & for some reason I thought you might have been near there?
Jo I think it was lovely you buried her, but was it cruel for them to make u deliver her. How did you feel about that?
At first I just refused & cried & screamed that I just couldn't & wouldn't do it, mostly I think I was still in shock that she had died, I didn't think I could face it.
After they induced me though, i seemed to get really calm up until she was born, & now I don't think I would have done it any other way, at least this way we got to see her & Know her a little bit IYKWIM
Yes I do, thank you for sharing that with me.
I reackon I would be the same, irrationally say no, but realistically in the end, it is the best way, I agree.
Sorry to ask so many questions. I just want to try to understand what you have been through. I feel for all of you ladies.
jo - hon, sorry you had to go through all of that, its soo hard isn't it. when we found out we were sent home, they induced me the next day, but she didn't come for antoher 2 days, so we waited 3 days knowing she had passed away. even though you might think sending me home was bad, it actually gave me a chance to come to terms with the fact she wasn't coming home, i wouldn't have changed going home that first day, i got to tell my family and they basically rallied around me.
jo - good luck i am going to have a look at the stillbirth foundation stella day tomorrow and i'll let you know about having one in melb, will be thinking of you tomorrow, good luck, c'mon bfp
Sheree- go to the bottom of your screen to the forum jump thing and click on it so you can scroll down all the choices. click on TTC Journals and then look for StarBright's TTC Journal.
Anyone is free to look.
i was devasted when i found out i had to deliver darren. i ended up quite high on pethadine and i was pretty out of it. Shane begged them to just put me under, but they just dont do that. I had an emergency c section with Zahra- went to sleep and woke up with out her.
Still no Af jo??
Jo - thinking of you and sending you heaps and heaps of :bluedust: I hope so much that you get your BFP very very soon! :hug:
SB - how are you feeling? I'm sorry to hear that you were in hospital. I hope you have got some answers.
ShereeJoy - sorry to butt in on your conversation but I just wanted to say how I felt. I thought the same thing when I found out that Cooper didn't have a heartbeat. In all the shock I didn't understand how I would deliver. I asked my ob and he said that I had to birth him. I thought that was so cruel. I wanted a c/s but he suggested that I didn't because he said that I wouldn't want to be recovering from that and grieving. At the time I didn't think it was right but did it anyway. On the day it was like a terrible nightmare and an out of body experience - but I can remember every second. Now I look back at it and I think it wasn't cruel - I got to give birth to my son..........that is special to me.:
but was it cruel for them to make u deliver her
Thank you guys for sharing that with me. So glad you all got those moments with your babies.
I kind of feel out of place here now with what you have all been through.
You shouldn't feel out of place - we have all lost, lost something that was so precious to us. And you have been through so much as well :hug:
Thats why I feel such a failure. Not only did I fail Annabelle and she died inside me but after 12 hrs labour my body would not co-operate and get past 3cms. I was on the verge of uterine rupture due to the strength of the ctx so I had to go to theatre. I had a full GA. After 12 hrs I just could not stand the thought of any more.
I'm in a hard place right now so hence my quietness.
back when I am more together
Judy
BTW Jo, I have fingers crossed for your BFP.
I am sorry I just can't help but feel this way. I am ever so grateful I didn't have to go through what you all have.
Anyway this is not about me, poor Sheree, its all good I just wanted you to all know how I feel about your losses and I do feel mine is minimal compared to yours - can't help but feel that way.
You never failed her honey. My thoughts are with you Judy. Hugs and kisses.
Judy :hugs: I too feel like a failure because Coops died inside of me. I feel like my body failed me, failed Coop and failed my DH to give him the son that he has always wanted. I am sorry that you are in a hard place now - take your time but just know that we are always here for you.
Sheree :hug:
Lynn you will have that boy that your DH has ever dreamed about, but he will never replace Coop of course. I can understand why you blame yourself, I wish I could help, it is not your fault.
Instead of seeing myself as a failure for not sustaining the life of our little guy... Let me assure you that I have cradled the thought of how I failed Eli close to my heart for a while now... but just the other night I had this thought... I hope I don't offend any of you. I think the only way I could have failed Eli would be if I didn't walk away from all of this unimaginable pain with a deeper love of life, a deeper love for each day... even the days that make you so nuts you want to lick windows and streak through town nekkid. And a better understanding of how we are all tied to eachother... the living and the absent, the emotionally bruised and the elated, we have been given a gift, as bittersweet as they come. The gift is knowing that every single moment is to be cherished and every baby... no matter how small deserves a Mommy who will love them forever.
So, as I see it, there is NO way on earth that any of you could be a failure. Hugs and Love to you all.
CeCe
CeCE, I think you are a very wise woman! lol!
Sheree, personally for me, after going through this, I have a better understanding of the pain that we women go through when we lose a baby/babies, so to me (this is just me) it dosen't matter how far along you were or anything, we all feel pain the same. Does that make any sense? Someone else might be able to put it better!
CeCE- i fully agree with what you say.
I was already a fairly spiritual person- but after loosing my babies it definatly made me start thinking more about what is beyond this world.
And one of the hardest things i have had to deal with is that some good can come out of all this pain. I remember when i got my job after loosing Darren- at first i was dead set against it. Then i started and i actually found myself really glad that i got the job when and where i did. Until one day it hit me- if i was a mummy to a little boy- i would never have statred working here. It was a really tough time adjusting to finding happiness that wouldn't have been there if i had of been able to keep him. I still struggle some days just knowing that my life would be so completely different right now if things had happened differently. And to be satisfied with my life now- doesn't mean that i am happy he is gone- i am just moving forward. But it is one very hard adjustment to make.
The other thing i have noticed is that all of this has brought my husband and i closer. we still struggle with communicating quite a bit- but we take the time to stop and acknowledge that we are struggling and we move through it together- which has been comforting. And i am not sure if we would be able to be so honest with each other if we hadnt had to go through so much pain together.
And of course how could i not mention all the beautiful people i have met in here. :)
And we all know that wouldn't happen unless we all had been through what we have. I now have more close female friends to openly talk to then i have ever had in my entire life. I have no fear coming in here- i dont worry about how i sound or what i am thinking because even though we may all be from different backrounds (even live in diferent countries) we all have a special bond we share and it is so marvelous that we can find eachother and be there for each other.
Sheree joy- i understand that you are saying that what you have been through is not as bad as what we have- but i have no doubt that you have sobbed the same heavy hearted tears i and everyone else has. You have felt that hole in your heart that just wont go away until you crumple yourself into a tiny ball and bawl your heart out. As i have said befoer, a loss is a loss at any stage. You may not have had to give brth to your angels- but you still had them ripped away from you. If you do want to find somewhere else to go where you feel more comfortable- i understand- but please dont do it because you think you dont deserve to be in here- you found your way in here and it was for a reason. Please dont under ever estimate your losses. i am talking abit from personal experience, i felt the same when i had my miscarrage- i thought, HA its nothing like what i went through before- it's nothing. Well it wasn't nothing.
Sorry i dont mean to sound like i am lecturing you- i just dont want you to feel outed
coz i really appriciate your contributions.
Enough lecturing from me!!
I am feeling better today. Dr confirmed for me that last month was an early m/c. He said that my levels wouldn't have been up unless something had been going on. He did an exam and said my uteris has contracted so he doesn't think anything is still in there but- i may have picked up an infection (i can get one just from thinking about it!!LOL) so i am on antibiotics. He also aggrees with me and Dr mel that it was most likely becuase i was taking the aspirin. So i am off it until further notice. He said i did the right thing by waiting a cycle before really trying again. (thats why i wasn't putting in top effort) But that all should be well for this month. I have booked another appt in a months time to see him again.
I feel pretty silly for taking the aspirin- but i think as long as things work out this month i will feel a little better. I only hope that everything goes ok now i am not taking the aspirin. I feel pretty responsible- not in a bad way, just knowing i probably would be preg now if i hadn't been taking it. But i have a plan and this is my month!!
All going to plan i will start opk tests in a few days.
Take care all you darlings!!
Love StarBright
p.s. mel if you are lurking- i have no credit on my phone!! Everything sounds great!! I will call you this afetrnoon!!!
How was that jo? LOL i was posting while you were!!!
Any sign of AF????
morning ladies, jeepers its been a chatty thread, i wanted to pop in to see how jo went, any news jo?
cece - thanks for putting forward your way of looking at it, its good to hear different perspectives, and allows some of us a new way of thinking of what happened. when i got home i had people ask me wasn't that the hardest thing you had to do ie birthing her, my response was easy, as hard as it was emotionally i overcame those thoughts, knowing this was the first and last thing i could ever do for my girl, that thought actually made it easier if that makes any sense at all, and i too am like lynn - i remember every second, you just ask the midwife, i think she was hoping that i would stop talking. lol
sheree - i am with sb on this one, we are all here for the same reason, losing a child, it doesn't matter how far along we are we all have the same emotions. and for you to have been through what you have on more than one occassion and still want to go on, is inspiring to me. i really do hope you stay with us, we need your support just as much as I hope we can give it to you. :)
sb - i guess its good fior you to get some answers, hugs hon
this is just a quick one as i have to take my mum to the airport, hugs to everyone
no sign of AF yet!
What day is/was AF due Jo???
How many days will you wait for before testing??
Sending sticky vibes and waiting with antisipation!!!
Grafton is about 2 or so hours away from where i live. How long will you be staying near there? if im not doing anything and you want to maybe we could meet up. See how you go though- enjoy the time with your family too. :)
Judy- its so easy to blame ourselves. I think the important thing to remmeber is that you never wanted anything bad to happen to your babies- you NEVER did anything to harm them intentionally or even unintentionally and as hard as it is, try to go easy on yourself, Blaming your self wont make the pain go away, it sort of makes it worse, because while you continue to blame yourself you cant move on.
Its terrible that this has happened to all of us- but it sort of shows that it does "just happen" I dont beleive that anyone of us deserves the pain we feel or the heartache- but its how we move on and support eachother that helps.
The hardest part about moving on and starting to feel better is that i start to think it means i have stopped caring. And i know i haven't, i just need to move on. and its a good thing that the pain isn't as bad, and it never really goes away- it just doesn't hurt quite as much.
Last night DH and i had a little bit of a talk about stuff. I got a bit upset because i feel like while he does so much in memory of Zahra-but he doesnt do the same for Darren. And to be honest, i feel like i am a bit the same. i will light a candle for him and have done for his "would have been" day of birth (EDD 10th October) and 1st and 2nd birthday and i will do the same for his 3rd- but my main point was that i felt like since we lost Zahra and we pay her so much respect, i feel bad that we never really showed Darren the same. DH said he felt a bit the same but wasn't sure how to approach me about it because he didn't want to make me upset. He said everytime he lights Zahra's candles he is thinking of all of our children- but that maybe we should set something up for Darren too. I know i have never forgotton about my little monkey (chinese star sign) and i will go shopping and look for something special to give him for his 3rd birthday to help mummy and daddy rememeber him.
Uh oh- water works are starting, Not good while at work- so i will leave it here.
Deep breath katti.
Thanks for listening
Love Katxoxox