TTC after Recurrent Miscarriage/Stillbirth or Loss after 1st trimester ~ December 07

howdy everyone
Katie- yeah, being told to relax and even knowing it would help is a far cry from being able to do it. you are so fresh to the loss- take what ever comes and seek what helps you rather than what could help you if only you could do it. the rest will come later.
Jo- ikwym about work - i just didn't care for so long, i just came because that is what was expected. and i needed to pay the damn hospital bills. even now work doesn't hold the same place it once did. sorry about your cry with dh and dtd - i did the same, that physical area was so linked to Yeti's death. i cried at your story about your customer's response -- some people really do get it and it makes such a difference. sorry your other friend did not - that seems to happen more often that the other way. death of a baby is something many people cannot face.
Barbara- oh, i hate those reminders and facing people who will ask questoins and probably not react as well as Jo's customer. i ran into a meeting just yesterday, on Yeti's 10 month birthday, where someone asked me how our first born was doing. i don't think the "reminders" ever end.

Katie - glad to hear your spotting has stopped. my cycle is a bit crazy too. fertility friend said I ovulated 4 days ago but my chart looks a bit crazy. and yes you are right everthing is a waiting game. what exactly is a naturopath? i ahve heard several women talk about them but I have no idea what one does.

Jo - sorry about the spotting. i am glas to hear about your customer. it is great when people achnoewledge our children and ask about them. I have a friend who always refers to my son by his name. it gives anthony dignity and i cherish that.

Auntie M - i am so sorry to hear about your meeting. it is hard to realize that the pain never goes away. it all never ends. but there are things to look forward to. how is Pea-no nuts doing? is she a kicker? that is one thing i wish i felt. i never felt anthony move. i have said it before and i will say it again, all you pregnant women give me hope.

TM - hope all is well.

my conference went well. i did get some head tilts though followed by how are you with that look. i am pretty used to it. i was fortunate though b/c after i lost my son some of my close work friends put the word out for me before i ever got back to work. so there really wasn't anyone i had to tell myself. all of the women at the conference knew...well except one. i don't ven think sheknew i was pregnant which is weird b/c at the last conference we were all talking about it. anyway a week after i delivered i bought myself this beautiful angel charm for my necklace. i have worn it everyday to keep anthony with me. well this other teacher saw it and asked if it was b/c i am such an angel. a few of my coleagues looked up knowing that this was going to get uncomfortable. i told her no that the angel didn't represent me. she then asked who did it represent. i muttered "my angel." there are 70 people squished in this tiny room and I didn't want to break down in front of all of them. then she asked who is my angel. well that was it. it took all my power not to lose it. i told the women i would tell her later. the reminders are everywhere. normal has gone out the window. today was better. back to my regular work routine. tomorrow morning (right now it is 10pm thurs) i will call my OB. i am supposed to get more blood results back. i am terrified. monday i see a genetic counselor. never ending

barbara

Hi Barbara. I can't believe that woman kept asking you questions, she obviously is not overly observant! It sounds like you handled it well.
A naturopath is someone who specialises in herbal medicines and remedies. You can see them for all areas of health care and they deal more alternative therapies like herbs, acupuncture etc. I am currently taking a variety of herbs and vitamins. My naturopath specialises in women's health and fertility.
Now a question for you - what is a genetic counsellor?
I also never felt Nathaniel kick. As it was my first, I had been told that it was not unusual to not feel movement unti 20 weeks - so I guess if I hadn't had the scan that week I would have started to realise something wasn't right. I would have loved to have felt him kick, but at the very least I saw him move around at my 12 and 14 week scans, so I do have those memories. I also can not wait to have that opportunity again.

Auntie M - I love watching your ticker move forward. I am so excited for you - it brings me such joy to know that you are being given the gift of another child. You have certainly already shown what a loving mother you are to Yeti.

Jo - I hope the spotting stops soon for you.

I know I don't post very often, I feel really out of the loop. But I often think of you all ..
I made it down to the beach again yesterday.. finally!! Last time was April last year. Anyhow I wrote in a whole lot of new Angel names yesterday. Many are from here. Check out the link in my signature to find your angel. There is also a page 9 but I have to get DH to make a link for me. For now you you just change the page number in the url bar from whaterever page you are on to 9. ie sand8 to sand9

many hugs
Jude

Judy - I just wanted to say thank you for creating such a wonderful website. It is a beautiful way for all our angel babies to be remembered. It has meant so much to Steve and I to see Nathaniel's name written in the sand. It feels like in doing this you have given him life. I can not thank you enough. You are obviously a very special and caring person, who is bringing comfort to more people than you will ever know.

Barbara: cyberhug, pronto.

hey everyone!
good news! my spotting has officially stopped! Wo-ho!!!!:dance::clap::dance:
Now the waiting begins on the AF!:wall: We are putting in an offer on a house tomorrow -wish us luck! For once I have something else to think about and overtake my mind!
Had an another emotional meeting with a customer on saturday...she was a week behind my due date and she came up to me and said you lost your baby? and i was like yes as i had'nt seen her for awhile. She said i lost mine too. Neither of us could believe it and right there we had a teary together. She lost her baby at 12 weeks and said she had been too scared to come in and see me as she did'nt want to see my belly when she had miscarried. and to think i was worried about catching up with my friends, at the moment it seems to be my customers!
hope you all had a good weekend! esp you barbara - a nice one to relax after your conference! xxx

jude!
everything katie said to you and more. i just went into it and i do not know what to say but thank-you for such a wonderful touching site that you have created and words cannot describe the meaning that the photo you took has! you are doing an amazing thing for us all and are an incredibly compassionate person to take time out of your life to touch others in this way.

I will post more later, but just wanted to say hi ladies. I just had a temp drop this morning and thinking I am not pregnant. I ma okay with it b/c DH and I said we were only casually trying, but still deflating.

Judy - I jst wanted to tell you how much it meant to see my son's name with all the other angels. you are a wonderful person for doing it. I showed my husband this morning and he started crying. he hasn't cried for anthony in awhile. can you add his name next to mine? DH's name is Ian. it would mean so much to us. thank you.

Barbara

Good morning everyone. Jo - glad to hear your spotting has stopped. It is such a relief to finally feel that that the MC is over. I also am pretty certain mine has stopped - and I might even have ovulated the last few days. Who knows though, it is so hard to know what is happening with my cycle.

Barbara - sorry to hear your temps have dropped. I will keep my fingers crossed just in case. We have only just started to TTC again and I am certain that I will also feel deflated when AF comes. Like you we are taking it casually, but I know we all have the baby thoughts at the back of our minds. If this one does not stick for you, than I will you lots of luck for your next cycle.
I really would love the day off today, I just don't feel like working. I am not upset, just lazy.

I also have to prepare myself for seeing our friend this weekend, who is due 2 weeks after I would have been. I am really scared, as it will be Steve's 30th and I really want to stay happy for his sake. Any hints on how I can handle seeing her? I am sure she is probably aware of how I feel, but you just never know.

jo76: congrats on the end of bleeding and good luck with the house thing.
But what a shame for you and your customer--such bad luck at the same time, but at least you both understand what the other is going through.

Anthonysmom: I'm pulling for you

Katiegirl: without knowing more about your relationship--is she somebody who's sensitive? are you comfortable around her usually? are you planning to spend a lot of one-on-one time with her or in a group? if she asks you how you are and you say something like "hanging in there" maybe she'll get the hint to be sensitive to your feelings. I don't know. Good luck.

Barbara I have added in Ians name.
Thank you for your mssages. I write the names because our babies should not be forgotten and it i sjust one way of showing to the world that they did exist. They may never have drawn a breath, or in some cases they did but it was for such a short time.. but our babies made us mummies (and daddies)

I know the heartache in TTC after stillbirth. I do have one Rainbow baby who was 3 in September but since January 2005 we have had no luck. Only miscarriages.

AuntyM I did get around to doing Yetis name too.

I am packing for a week in Melbourne so must go.
hugs to you all and babydust :)

Jude

howdy everyone.
Barbara- it does never go away - but the fresh pain does scab over a little. somebody said to me - it is always a part of me, just not the biggest part anymore. yes, Peanut does squirm about, but the restful times cause such panic. i don't know how to combat it sometimes. sorry about the obnoxious lady at your conference. she must be thick. damn it on af- she hasn't come yet though?
Katie- thanks- it is so difficult to believe Peanut will be okay, but i am thankful for each moment with her. one day at a time. no hints from me on the friend encounter - i've failed miserably on many of those situations. the only thing i can say is make a plan to be out in a short period of time, and have a way to let your dh know that you need to go sooner if it goes badly.
Jo- woohoo on the spotting stopping.
Judy- i posted to you on the other site, but will here too. you are amazing to remember our angels in such a sweet way -- it touches me and dh more than i can ever let you know. big hugs to you. and i see you are hoping to be grandparents soon -- congratulations!

Hi ladies - I feel like I have had my had up my a$$ for a fe wdays (sorry about the vulgarity) DH and I are doing renovations and I expected one price and DH another. Well it is more than I expected and am quite nervous. arghh!! i just think that if i was still preg with Anthony all this would never even have been a question. i also got test results back from my OB today (which has also had me crazed) but all good news!!:) after running all tests known to man from the 9vials of blood she took everything seems to be negative (blood sugar, clotting, thyroid, etc.) things are starting to point to "just one of those things" which is a saying I hate with passion. DH and I are going away on thursday to meet our goddaughter for the first time. she was born 5 days after anthony. i am nervous and excited all in one. my best friend asked me what she could do for me. i told her to cry with me and listen. she was happy b/c she said she knows there can be a lot of crying (from her) and she didn't want to upset me. also my temps went back up today. so i have narrowed it down to 3 things. it is so cold here right now that it is messing with my temps(sometime sI have 1 blanket sometimes 4) i am nutso and am looking into things too much, or it was an implantation dip. i just recently joined FF and they send you these lessons to help teach you about your cycle. wouldn't you know I just got to the one that talks about implantation dips around day 7-10 (I was on day 8) i am desperately trying to not drive myself nts (too late). i am also not eating sushi and soft cheese til i know for sure. keeping my fingers crossed.:crossfingers:

Judy - Once again you are an angel and thank you so much.

Katie - when dealng with people i think it matters on the other person. i am praying that your friend is sensitive to you. try to be patient with her, no one really knows how to talk to us anymore. also i went to the genteic counselor today. i haven't answered you sooner b/c i wasn't too sure what she was going to do either. anyway shw takes a very detailed family history of both me and DH looking for illnesses, disorders, cancers, female problems, everything. based on that and my pregnancy hidtory she determines whether DH and I qualify to have our chromosomes tested for problems. sometmes peopke have problems with the strucute of their own chromosomes and don't know it until they try to reproduce. we both qualified b/c our m/c was late and DH's mom had a stillborna nd early m/c and my own mom had a very hard time conceiving (16 years). now we wait another 2 weeks to get results back (why does everything take 2 weeks??) this is a long shot but hey at thsi point I am covering all bases. sorry for the rant hope all goes well with your friend and happy b-day to DH.

Auntie M - it is easier said then believed but I know that pea is fine. no one wants to move around all the time. anymore luck on baby names?

TM and Jo - hope all is well with you ladies.

Barbara

Thanks Barbara and everyone else. My friend is a lovely person and I sure she will be sensitive. I am planning on allowing myself to walk away after saying hello if I find it too much to be around her. The group of friends that she is a part of all have young children so I am guessing they will be sitting down etc. Where as I have other friends coming who are single and far removed from children, so will probably be with them for most of the night.

Also Barbara, I am glad that you are okay with the results you go back. I also hate the 'these things happen' comment. I will keep my fingers crossed for you as well - it will be so exciting when we get some bfps in here.

We have officially started to TTC, and I am hoping things move along quickly. It is impossible to know for certain if I had AF when I thought I did due to repeated spotting. I think I might have ovulated over the last few days, so that was the reason we decided to start TTCing. The naturopath had told me to wait until the end of the month, but I am impatient and this felt like the right thing to do. It is so easy to get caught up in what other people tell us, mainly I presume because we have so few answers to our losses, and desperately want people to point us in the right direction. My sister who has suffered 2 late MCs (but also has 4 healthy beautiful children) told me that I should do what is right, and start TTCing as soon as possible if that felt right. She said that she thought waiting to long would make us scared and decrease the chance of conceiving. I think she is right. It is strange though because we weren't really trying (but not preventing either) when we conceived Nathaniel, and so he was a lovely surprise. This time I guess I am more aware and it seems different. Trying not to get my hopes up though....easier said than done.

hi everyone...
off work today as josh was sick last night and it seems to have passed onto me. BLARGH!
we got the house and move in on march 25th. Very excited that that part of my life really seems to have moved on. Unforunealty everything our agent told us to do has gone out the window as i ended up too sick to remember it! oops! Barbara - i know what you mean about costs with houses, we actually went a bit over our original ideal budget with buying this one but the more i think about it the more it will work out in the long run to have got this house as it is somewhere we can be for quite awhile now. I also KWYM by the "its just one of those things" - it still bugs me that that is all i have to explain how someone who was the start of many dreams was taken away. I know i will be just like you tho, if i even think i am close to being preg, i'll avoid all those "bad foods", i can actually become quite anal with stuff like that! (sorry for lack of a better word!)
still no spotting so i think i can safely say i am done on it now for sure until AF which at least will give me an indication of where i am at. My body is displaying some of its usual pre-AF symptoms but unlike some of you i am not temping or anything just yet. I think i will for a few months just take whatever comes and if it happens again for us it happens and then after that look into checking everything like my temps. i think i just lik it would be one more thing to put pressure on myself so i kinda just want to have some hope in nature doing something nice for me!
Katiegirl - i am the same as you tho we have just started trying without "trying",DH and I both know what we are doing but i don't want to put pressure on myself although i know i will at some stage. I think in some way we need to follow our gut feelings also and def do what we think is right for us. We are the ones at the end of the day that need to deal with our feelings/and bodies head on etc.
hope the rest of you are all ok! I really hope too that 2008 brings some happy news for us all and i am so happy to have found this site to have my little releases! This site and you all have been a very big part of helping me get through my feelings!xxx

Anthonysmom: You're lucky to have a friend you can be real with. Best of luck and fingers crossed.

Katiegirl: good luck with TTC. sometimes you just have to follow your own heart

jo76: congrats about the house!

Hi Everyone. I need some advise. I think I Oed on the weekend (possibly) and I have started wondering the last 2 days whether it could have been successful. With my last pregnancy I did not pick up until I was 5 weeks and 3 days past AF - but the moment I became aware of this, I noticed how high my body temp was at night when lying in bed. So the past 2 days I have started to think that I feel hotter. Then this morning I woke at 5:30 in a sweat and DH even commented on it. I am sitting here with what feels like hot flushes - but temp is around 36.5. I have been sitting around 36.3 until today. So what do you think....is it way too early to think I may be pregnant? I need a fan on me!!!

just a quick note from me as I am gettign ready for work. DH and I are leaving this afternoon to meet our goddaughter. i am excited and nervous. anyway i wanted to say have a nice weekend. unfortunately my temp seems to be dropping. i am not that upset this month, but I hope it is a quick TTC journey... for all of us.

barbara

Anthonysmom: enjoy your trip!

hi katie! can't believe i wrote you back last night and somehow i have erased it as it did'nt make it on this page....how are things? how are your temps going today? i would love to give you advise but i am pretty hopeless on this topic, the biggest preg symptom for me is tiredness as i never experience anything else and since i don't have any experience with temping i am not really sure of what means what! sorry! and what makes it worse for us is the "did we did'nt we" question of our AF during all our spotting etc so that is my confusion at the moment for me. Going by when the bleeding changed to extra heavy etc (and what my OB said could have been a AF) i would "normally" be due today due to my reg cycle length, so who knows? if you get any responses from anyone off this forum let us know. until then, take care! have a fab Aust Day weekend (i actually have it off for a change! WO-HO!)
barbara - have a great weekend too! Take it easy and just go with the flow!
tm - how are YOU? you are always so supportive for the rest of us!...

hi ladies - just a quick note from me. i just got back from airport. what an ordeal. my flight was 45 minutes late due to air traffic and then my cousin's car got towed because he is an idiot. my goddaughter is wonderful!! i did get AF on Saturday. I am okay with it. But boy she must be mad at me b/c she is very very heavy.

Barbara

I read in one of my nursing journals that in some cultures heavy menses are considered a good thing because they see the menstrual cycle as cleaning out your system. (Gotta find that silver lining, right?)

Hi all. It has been quiet in this thread. I am being brave today. For the past month I have worked from home (I am the only representative for my company in Melb) - and today I was brave and came back to the office I have. I was dreading having to face people etc, but it has worked out okay. I did go into my usual cafe and the woman there was chatting to me and kept looking at my stomach. Last time she saw me I told her I was 18 weeks pregnant, so she must have been wondering. I was waiting for her to ask how the pregnancy was but she never did - so I didn't say anything either. It felt weird, but at least that is another thing I was scared of that I have conquered.

Went to the naturopath and she said that looking at my temps alone it looks like I haven't ovulated. Using FF I should now be 15DPO - so not sure what to think. If I still have ovulated than it means I have a long wait ahead of me. Joy. She also said I am low in Iodine so that is another tablet to add to my collection.

I am feeling okay today though. It was good to push myself a little and realise I can do things that I thought would upset me. This morning I felt down because I took my temp and realised that it is dropping again. The good news is that instead of that meaning I have a day that spirals down, I have managed to focus on other things.

Anyway that is my rant - hope you are all well.

hey everyone...
have been busy packing up my house so while i have been on quickly have'nt had a good chance to look around. Can't wait till it is all done - by this weekend we will be out of here and then just have to wait 8 weeks to get into our new one! We are moving in with friends for awhile which will be hard as it will take me out of my "late night time out" time. if i need a teary i'll be rushing to their toilet!
i got my AF which i am surprisingly happy about. i think only because now i have an AF to actually date from should anything decide to happen. And i think most of all it is a sign that my body at least is moving forward. So barbara...i am feeling your pain as it is heavy and tempus thanks for your "silver lining" outlook on the bleeding. i was shopping today and had to rush out of the centre as i bled right through,it had'nt even been long enough to worry but i freaked out nonetheless.:redface: it was the moment where you can't walk quick enough and hope no one could notice anything, eventhough as uncomfy as it was for me they would never have been able to tell. So i really hope it is an extra clean out for me!
Katie - congrats on the strong face with the cafe lady -you have spoken about how worried you were to deal with something like that and eventhough nothing was said the situation was still there which in its silence can almost be worse. So you did well...this is one of your steps forward! We need to take all of them that we can get. When do you see the new OB - is'nt that this month? Maybe that will help answer some of those questions you have re: temps and give you another spin on it and what your body is doing.

Katiegirl: sending a cyberhug because you sound kinda down today.

jo76: good luck!

TM: Thanks for the hug. I don't think I was down as such yesterday. It was just a big day doing a lot of 'firsts' that I have been avoiding. It was tough but I felt good for doing them as well. It is a good reminder that I can be strong.

Jo: Thanks for the encouragement. It is always hard for us to face our fears, more now than ever. I hope you are able to find a quiet place whilst you are at your friends' house. We all have bad days and need that time to grieve. Glad to hear AF has returned, and returned with a passion by the sounds of it! Fingers crossed that your cycle will get some normalcy for you.

I had another Kinesiology session this morning. I really enjoy it, but can't describe it! It is very unusual. The lady is lovely and she really seems to understand what I am saying. I told her that I think I am focussing too much on having another baby, and that is means that I am easily disappointed. So we are going to focus our sessions on motivation and positive thoughts - all things I struggle with. So feeling good after that session, but tired as well. Tired - and only the start of the day!

Barbara: Hope you had a lovely trip seeing your god-daughter. How are things?

TM thanks for the silver lining. i have been looking for those a lot these days.

Katie - I know what you mean about focusing so much on having another baby. That is all I think about these days...how many days til i ovulate. I wasn't like this when we TTC Anthony.

Jo - Glad you are ok with AF. I was too. It is a pain when it is so heavy. Hopefully she doesn't stay too long.

Well AF came in with gusto and left pretty quickly. I had a very heavy AF for three days and then Tuesday cam and **** she was gone. No spotting no nothing. weird. It is DHs bday weekend. Yes even at 33 he needs a whole weekend to celebrate. We went out last night with some friends and today is with family. His bday isn't even really until tomorrow!! but i love him and he deserves it. it is good bc we get our last set of test results on monday (hopefully they are not late) these will tell us if DH or I has a chromosomal issue within ourselves that can be passed on. The genetic counselor thought there was enough fertility issues in both our families to warrant testing. DHs mom had a stillbirth and s mc. My mom took 16 years of TTC before she conceived and her sister had a mc. well i am off to the store to buy a new vanity for my bathroom. fun.

Barbara

Anthonysmom: good luck with the tests. hopefully the results show things that are easily treatable.

What a quiet thread. Where is everyone. Hope all is well. Got my test results back. all is well.

Barbara

barbara- so glad your tests results came back well. that's worth a little woo hoo!

Hi Barbara. So glad to hear your test results have come back and are okay.

Hope everyone is well. I got annoyed with DH last night. I sometimes feel like everytime I mention babies etc, he is keeping a tally and then makes it seem like I am baby-obsessed. It makes me feel like all the positive things I am doing are not being credited. So I got annoyed with him and vice versa. Aaghh. It is so hard at times, I don't think he can understand fully how there are constant reminders around us every day that we are not pregnant. It all started because he told me another woman had told him she was pregnant. I in innocence said to him that I feel like every second person I speak to is telling me they are pregnant and that sometimes it upsets me because it reminds me that I am not. I also said that I don't resent them and am happy for them. He had a go at me about it and basically said I am baby obsessed - which of course made me angry. We seem okay this morning, but as we said goodbye I told him we need to start having some honest conversations (that don't end in arguments) as I don't want to feel like I have to hide my thoughts etc.

Anyway long rant....we were happy with each other again this morning... but I think it is just another reminder of how men grieve differently to women.

I feel like i am intruding a bit here ladies... i have been reading since i left, but i havent posted, i'm sorry to "ditch" this thread as i fell preg, but i didnt want to be as Katie Girl describes as another preg women IYKWIM... but its actually reading your post Katie that i feel like adding something...

DH and i have had the same discussion many times over the years, and as you say men and women are soooooo different it gets very hard during these times to find common ground...

DH said the EXACT same thing to me, basically that i have no right to be upset by the fact that other women are pregnant. Even now i still get a twinge, coz i still doubt that this bubs coming home,(i know, naughty negative thinking, but some days i cant help it) where as anyone else being preg its a given that they get their babies IYKWIM... i ended up yelling at him that i think its great and its nice that these ladies are pregnant, but i dont need to hear about it and i dont need to jump for joy for them because while its all nice and happy for them, it breaks my heart and it is a dagger of a reminder to me what "WE" have lost.

He has since stopped trying to tell me how to feel as much, but to be honest i still dont think he understands 100%, for some bizarre reason men can seperate themselves from the pain, and for some reason we cant. While i tell people that my DH has grieved and has felt our loss, i would be lying if i said he felt it as much as i did. For us women, like everything, pregnancy is sooooooo internal, we cant ignore the changes in our bodies, the changes we relished in while pregnant, which turn to the changes we despise as the "full" feeling disapears and the emptiness takes over our body.

Even now in my early stages of pregnancy, my DH can be in ignorant bliss, yes he knows i am pregnant, but its not overly obvious and he isnt feeling what i am feeling, so in a sense he is seperate from that side of things, if i were loose now, my god touch wood, but i would "feel" my baby gone, where as he hasnt got those "feelings" to miss if that makes sense.

Woah, sorry ladies, i disapear for months and then return with a marathon post!! I do apologise again for intruding, and i will keep following you brave ladies and your journeys, and if its ok, i may start posting again, with some more supportive posts!!

Do take care everyone, and good luck and loads of sticky baby dust to you all

xoxoxoxox
StarBright
xoxoxoxoxo

Hi Starbright - thank you so much for your post and you are not intruding in any way. In fact seeing your pregnancy progress is so special and gives me hope.

I am glad to see that you understood what I was saying. I also don't feel anger or resentment towards anyone having a baby - I have even held babies since we lost Nathaniel - but it also has a twinge of sadness as it reminds me of all we have lost. I just don't get why he can't see that. He even said that he doesn't want to tell me about pregnancies etc because I will get upset or angry - and that is so untrue. We all work so hard at not being swallowed by the blackness of negativity that when someone says a comment like that (or that we are too baby focussed etc), it feels like a slap in the face.

I told him this morning that we need to be a team again and he agreed. I just hope that DH and I can have open conversations without me feeling I have to censor what I say. I go through each day keeping most of my thoughts from people because I don't want to confide in them, so it makes it even harder when I feel that I can't be completely open with DH.

Whoo there it is....glad I am not alone in this feeling. I love my DH and he has been amazing but at times his 'maleness' is very evident.

hey everyone!
I have missed already being on this thread as we are now in our friends place and i feel uncomfortable asking to use their computer so have jumped on the one at my parents now i am over here! Our house is officially settled as of 12.30pm today and yesterday spent an hour in the empty house having a bit of a sook thinking of all our memories there. But now i can't wait until the 25th of march when we get our new one!
i have had really mixed feelings over ttc over the last few days and it has got me down a little, worse because i don't have a space (except the bathroom or toilet) that i can just go and "be" while i am at our friends... i don't think that is helping...but my AF is over, turns out is the longest i have had, so Tempus, I am DEF taking that cleaning out option! While i was intially happy to have it for obvious reasons, by the end i was so over it again. It was a really heavy one, much more than i am used to and since a normal AF is 4 days long and this was almost 10 i got really tired. especailly as my other bleeding and spotting continued for so long, what our poor bodies have to go through..
I also had my ivf friends baby shower on the weekend just gone and i thought i would be fine going as she has been through so many years of IVF and has finally got pregnant so my feelings towards her have been true excitment as this is what she has always wanted. (and she has had alot of girly issues with fibroids / bulimia / destroyed tube etc) but i sat there watching her unwrap her presents and i got really sad but felt really selfish for feeling that way when she had had so much bad luck in the past. i had to pretend my emotions were for her rather than feeling sad for me so i would'nt upset her and then later she said she wished another one of her friends had been there for me as she had been through a later loss also. Everyone was touching her belly and all i could think about was where i would be with mine! So i think that helped spirall some locked up feelings that now i have had to deal with. And i still feel really selfish as i love her to death....
anthonysmum - i am so happy to hear your test results were ok!:hug: Must be at least a relief on one side of things...small steps!!! The worst part i think sometimes is the waiting for the results, a week can feel like a year when it is something as important as that...hope the renos are still treating you well, and :lol: at your DH, sounds like mine...he is still a little kid when it comes to birthdays and we have to make it a big thing for him. DH has his a week after Jacks due date so will be a little harder this year as i am already dreading the date. (due date that is)
katie - DH and i have had to deal with alot all at the same time (putting house up for sale, selling house, loosing Jack, DH getting a promotion, josh starting school, finding another house, staying with friends, me cutting to part-time hours) and so sometimes i really feel as though we are on tenderhooks and that i can't be as honest with him as a couple of my friends who i have been able to open up to. I don't think he gets either that i am not done grieving yet and that is not to mention the people who still run a mile should i bring up the pregnancy or Jack. JUST BLOODY LET ME TALK! :wall: They may feel uncomfortable but i feel as though i am in a box sometimes...just listen sometimes, its all i want!
starbright - post away!!!! we all need as much support as we can get from each other! I guess continuing to talk to our DH and kinda opening their eyes up that tiny bit in how we feel may help us all in the long run..When is your next OB appoint?
anyway - i really hope you are all going well, sorry for my rant - my lack of daily jumping on to this site is obviously taking its toll! hope next time i am on that i have some wonderful things to say that are a little more upbeat! Cause lets face it, my post has got ME down...

sorry no personal tonight as it is almost midnight here and I am feeling down (and tired). Well DH DTD a little while ago (soory for TMI) since I will be O'ing in a few days and it is so weird. i should be almost 32 weeks preg by now, but instead of waddling around and setting up a nursery, I am starting over. i read somewhere that after you are medically cleared to TTC after a loss, you should wait until you are emotionally ready to handle another loss, in case it happens again. are you kidding me. can you ever be ready to sustain another loss? i hope i (or any of us) never have to answer that question. good night.

Barbara

Thanks katie and jo!!

yes, over time dh has learned sometimes i just want him to listen and cuddle, but i still have to ask or remind him thats what i need!!

I have a scan on monday to check for downs syndrome etc- i think at this point we would continue with a pregnancy no matter what the risks, so for me its really just a chance to check on bubs and get a looksie!! I will be 13 weeks on monday- so i guess i am only now really accepting i am pregnant (i have had a few vERy early m/c) and while i thought it would make me feel better- its really just allowed the true panic to set in!! I am now definalty embarking on this tough journey- it all feels so serreal (sp).

Jo76>>>> I am sorry to hear that AF has been so cruel and heavy. Glad to hear she is gone!! I rememebr mine being extreamly painfull after both my losses, and longer too, i remember getting so angry because it was a constant reminder of what had happened to me. I just kept bleeding!!!!And i guess it reminded me of the days when the bleeding started IYKWIM

Barb>>> Its good to hear that your tests came back clear. At the same time though, i'm sure you wish you had some more answers.:hug:At least you can elimate the things you were tested for, and just hope and prey that things are different next time.
Oh i had to laugh about your DH still needing a whole weekend for his 33rd Birthday- my DH turned 34 a few months ago and has decided he now get's a a whole WEEK to celebrate!!! LOL I hope you had a good time!!

KatieGirl>>> I hope things are getting a little easier at home :hug: A man's "maleness" is always close by!! LOL We are usually just able to easily compensate for it haha!! Its just a little hard to do it with something like this. Hugs to you for getting out and about too!! Thats a huge step!
How r u going with your cycle? When is testing day?

tm>>> Hi there, how r u going??

It time to walk my doggies, hello to everyone, and :bluedust: to all!!

xoxo StarBright xoxoxo

Won't go into the details here because I talked about it in TTC after MC, but FIL is in the hospital dying of cancer and we're just trying to keep it together emotionally. DH is being a stabilizing influence for MIL and I'm being the stabilizing influence for DH.

Barbara: glad to hear your results were normal

Katiegirl: times like these are really when the rubber meets the road in a marriage, isn't it? Its so hard to be patient with him, and him with you, and yet it's so important. Sending encouragement vibes

Starbright: don't be silly, girl--we're always happy to hear from you. Sending happy postive vibes for a happy positive preg...

jo76: congrats on settlement--sending encouragement vibes to you re: other people's babies

howdy everyone.
Katiegirl- it all sounds so familiar . . . i couldn't be around babies and didn't want to hear about them for the longest time. like, until this very moment. meaning, i haven't "gotten over" it yet. hopefully i will be able to in the future, but i doubt i ever look at a pregnant woman the same as "normal" people again. my dh and i went to counseling with a woman who had her daughter die 14 days after birth, and she assured both of us that this was so normal. and that there was nothing to do but to allow the feelings to happen. i don't think my dh understood really, he doesn't link any of these other babies or pregnancies to our son. but i think hearing it from someone else that this is just the way it is for a grieving mother made it something he could at least expect. hopefully, your dh can come to that same conclusion, because you need to be able to feel and communicate the feelings you have without judgment. do you have someone other than your dh to bounce things off of too? i haven't tried, but i think mine would break under the pressure of all of my feelings. i tell a little here, a little there, you know. big hugs.

Jo- i too have tried to "step up" and be joyful for a friend's pregnancy. i was happy for them, but at the same time so hurt at the world and angry. it was difficult not to turn that hurt and anger on my friend. now her baby has been born, and i was so happy and relieved that it was healthy. but i cannot hang out with her and watch the breastfeeding and the snuggling and the questions about the birth . . . it is too much to ask of a grieving mother that she set aside her grief for someone else's joy. it is enough to ask us to wish them well from afar. that's my opinion.

Barbara- i've heard that saying too. and some do wait for the immediacy of the grief to wear off a bit, even a year or more. it is such a personal choice, there can be no formula and so i think that saying is bunk. what is right for one is not necessarily right for another. and you are spot on - there is no "ready" for another loss. there is only the knowledge and fear that it may happen again -- and that never dissipates.

TM- i am so sorry to hear about your fil. i hope his journey is not too painful a one. big hugs to you.

tm - i am sending you many many hugs and you are in my thoughts! I hope someone is there to support you also, you sound like you are carrying alot emotionally!:hugs: