howdy everyone.
Klee- the idea of acting like a mountain goat makes me smile. thanks. your dp sounds like fun. i hope we do all fall in one big group! i don't know if i'd recognize Yeti's spirit. he was quiet, calm, and peaceful. he felt like he had things more figured out than i did. fortunately, his peace rubbed off onto me when he was in my womb, so i guess if i feel peace i'll recognize him. i'm not expecting much peace if we are lucky enough to fall again, iykwim. how about Phoebe, what was she like?
Jo- sorry to hear about your dh and the gp's lack of guidance. is there someone else he could see?
a bit down today, i feel trapped already by the extra work hours, but i know it is just in my head. dh doesn't want to look at our photos of Yeti, and i really want to now. i don't want to push him, but feel like i need some more connection to Yeti than the ephemeral. maybe soon.
Hello beautiful ladies!!
I have a broken finger at the moment so i am typing very slowly. I broke it at netball, Makes me reconsider playing while TTC, just in case something more damaging can happen. Its casual in door, but some girls still get fiesty. Aunty M netball an aussie game, it is kinda like basketball mainly a girls game, its supposed to be a non contact sport, but some girls can get rough!!!
Aunty M.... my DH is a bit the same re your photos. He didn't even want to see or hold Zahra. He did in the end very quickly, but it was myself and the midwife who dressed her and cuddled her every night. I know it hurts our partners in a lot of different ways, but for me its the internal thing.... we carried the little ones we felt them grow and move and live inside us, so we notice considerably when they are gone, and we need to see and recognise and acknowledge that yes our angels did exist. We can do that by looking at our photos and our mementos.
For the guys though i think instead of helping them feel better it brings the reality back to them. And invokes the general male rule... they cant fix it (the pain, loss, hurt) so they dont even want to go there. After re reading that i sound abit harsh towards the men. I dont mean to. And i am one for standing up and saying it all DOES effect them too, just in different ways. And they will handle it differently. Just as two women may handle it differently.
Have you looked at your photos at all? Are you waiting until you are both ready? If thats the case and you feel ready but he's not, maybe ask if he minds if you have a look with out him. It may be what he needs to hear to look at them with you. Im sure he would hate to feel like he is hampering you in any way.
My grandmother painted a picture of one of our photos of Zahra so we could look at her everyday without the harshness of death in the actual photo. Its a nice idea, i was lucky that my grandmother is an artist, i dont know how you would go finding a painter to just do one. It would take a big heart. Shane can look at that, but not the actual photo.
To answer Klee about whether i could recognise Zahra.. well she would move around ALOT when ever sports were on, and i mean to the detail of a team scoring a try, she would flip around like crazy. Plus, when i was in the pub, when things would get loud and people were laughing she would flip around. When Shane played the playstation she would flip around. She would kick me in the one spot over and over and over like she was practicing kicking a goal or something. I joked she had her daddies precision. She would hit that same exact spot day after day. And one other thing... she would never ever not once move for my sisters. Either of them.For My mum she would wiggle and kick, for all my friends, but she would never move for my big sister. Not once. So from that, i took that she was perhaps going to be daddies little tom boy. (a bit like her mum) I pictured her as someone who would have determination and strength. The week after she died, i watched the Ashes test where Australia won the series 5 nil for the first time in Ashes History, i imagined Zahra up there cheering on her Aussie cricket team!!
As for Darren, i felt protected. I felt safe. Honestly it was like a constant cuddle from behind. I felt strength in myself that i'd never felt before. Part of that could have been the feeling of a first time mum, thinking her world is falling into place, but i associate it with him because it remained abit, even after i lost him. I think it was because of him that i made it through loosing him. I wanted to believe that it was Darren back when i was preg with Zahra, and by the end i knew it wasn't because it did feel very different. I felt darren around me, like physically surrounding me, whereas i felt Zahra as someone inside me. Sorry if that is abit out there, but its the only way i can think to describe it. And yes maybe my crazy thoughts are weird, but they help me though each day.
Klee you asked what sort of dog i have, well here is my entire minagerie 2 dogsKarma(girl) a roman nosed bull terrior, Zane (our new boy) a napolian bull mastif ( he is a huge sook) 2 cats Gizmo (boy, looks like a small dog) and Bullet (girl, grey like a silver bullet) 2 fish (they're fish) 1 silky rooster, 1 silky chicken, 2 silky chicklings (they have like long hair and they are funny looking, hair on their feet too, chicklings are like 4 weeks old) 1 normal rooster, 3 black chickens (currently laying lovely eggs, waiting for chickens to go clucky and sit on eggs) 2 peking ducks nearly full grown, not sure if they are boys or girls or one of each
16 animals needing loads of love and attention.
Do you think we might be trying to fill a void in our lives much??????? It seems to work most days!!
Well i best get back to work.
To all us ladies preparing for another month.........
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