TTC after Stillbirth/ Recurrent Miscarriage or Loss after the First Trimester

Hey everyone, Sorry it took me ages to post that last one cause I got a phone call from work asking for help (I tell ya this better not continue) and in the meantimes everyone had posted and I missed it all.

Lynn - It does seem we have our bad days together at the moment, maybe one of us goes out in sympathy with the other unknowingly! I really wish I was in Sydney and could catch up with you and Spring, you girls are amazing to me :heartbeat:... If only I could talk DH into moving ;)

Spring - Please dont feel like you cant support me because you have lil Spring, you have no idea how happy I am for you and while I want a lil Mel for myself I would never take that away from you. I would be devastated if you disappeared from here, you have given me so much support over the last 4 or 5 months since I joined BB, both on the phone and here, and I honestly wish you nothing but the best. I still want to hear all about you and lil Spring and I might give you a call over the weekend, but I will choose a night when I am not so upset cause I dont wanna bring you down.

Tess - Glad you popped in, Spring might be right - knowledge is power, tests are a good idea.

Deb - :hug:

Well I have decided I am doing sweet FA today, I cant be bothered and the kids can have fish n chips for dinner and I will pay the rego next week. Cant even be bothered going to Subway.

I have decided I will sit here and listen to music and cry my little heart out and hope that I get it all out of my system before I have to go pick up the kids tonight. I have listened to the song The Rose which was played at Nicholas' funeral (and also my auntys funeral 20 years ago) and I think it is the most beautiful song I have ever heard, I dont listen to it all the time cause it makes me cry but I have listened to it over and over today and I think it is starting to help me get it all out. Not many people I know have heard the song (they all look at me blankly when I talk about it) so I have written the words, Lynn I dont know if you know the song but I hope it can bring you some warmth like it does me. I know I may sound like a freak sitting here torturing myself with a song played at my sons funeral but it really does help me. Now I think I will play around of my guitar and cheer myself up even more.

Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you its only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose

Love Mel :hug:

Sorry all, I just realised how absolutely corny and pathetic I sound! I need to get a life and stop feeling so bloody sorry for myself! So I am going to try really hard and I think a smile is called for to start me off :D

Sending you :biggrin: vibes!!!!!!!!!!! It's okay to be down Mel and strumming away sounds like a nice way to spend the afternoon.

Mel - I used to play "The Rose" on the guitar when I was learning too (shows my age really :rolleyes:)

I just wanted to let you know that some of the worst times for me after Caitlyn was born was the wait to be pregnant again. It took 10 months (6 of those on clomid) and we fell pregnant last cycle before taking a break and seeking IVF. I felt like my body had failed to be a safe haven for my baby to grow and then to top it off, failed to get pregnant again to give me another chance to be a good mummy. I felt repeatedly like I had failed (Caitlyn, myself, DH, our families) and while I KNOW this isn't true, it didn't make me feel any better during out TTC again journey.

I guess I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone and what you are feeling is completely normal. I spent the weekend (Caitlyn's 2nd EDD anniversary and the day before our progress scan) in tears on and off with her ashes on my lap. I even took her to bed with us that night (bedside table - not IN the bed. Co-sleeping is not safe with ceramic ;)) You are still in the early grieving process so make the most of every opportunity to allow yourself memories, tears and reflection. It's good for the soul :hug:

A big hug and lots of baby dust for everyone.

Hi - just wanted to sort out some confusion (sorry my posts have been quite garbled lately - no wonder everyone is confused). I do not have any children Thomas was our first baby and he was born preterm without any warning. One minute I was fine (eating lunch) and the next I was having 3min contractions.

I am not sure what tests can be done except monitoring during the next pregnancy - I am hoping they will put in a stitch if I request one so that we do not have to risk losing our second baby.

Sorry just thought I should get my story straight - thank you all so much for your support. And i am very sorry about my selfish post.
T.

Mel, you are living this life because you will be a great and wonderful mother to an earth baby very soon. You are such a special person who deserves all the happiness in the world and I wish you could have that soon. Thank you for sharing Nicholas' song with us. I don't think you are a freak at all for listening to the song. I listen to the songs that were played at Cooper's funeral all the time. I used to listen to them every day and only stopped a few weeks ago. Now I listen to them when I am feeling down (which seems like all the time at the moment!).
I envy anyone that can play an instrument. I am hopeless! I couldn't even play the recorder at school!!!!!! I hope that playing the guitar has brought a smile to you face to today :hug:
I wish you were in Sydney too, then when we are having our bad days we could be together and cry. Next best thing is to be here together and on the phone together. It is always good to chat to you. I feel the same way that you do - and I will also try to smile today.

Thank you Michelle for sharing your thoughts with us. I'm glad that what I am feeling now is normal because I too feel like my body has failed, not only me but my DH. I say to him aren't you angry that I can't give you a child. And he says what is anger going to do. I know he is right but I think sometimes if he is angry at me, then I know he is hurting too.

Hey ladies, just a quickie from me because I just got home and I am starving.

After a 2 hour wait, my scan was awesome. The ob was delivering a bub and I never complain about waiting when I know a beautiful little child is coming into the world. It is so nice to see that lil Spring is taking shape and was moving around like a champ. It is amazing how much they grow in a week and a half. Dates are still spot on which means a lot to me because with Harry I was out by 10 days and was always falling behind in dates. I know Harry is looking out for me this time, I have my own guardian angel.

The Ob asked me about my plans for the birth today. A bit taken aback because it seems so soon but I guess I need to get my mind ready. I blurted out that I wanted to have an elective C-section at 36 weeks and by the end of the converstation he had convinced me to go natural and be induced at 38 weeks. I started to freak out but he made a deal with me and said that if I wanted, he would admit me to hospital from 36 weeks (or earlier if I need it) so that I can have continual monitoring. I don't think I will do it, but it seems like a fair compromise to me and at least, I will be at the hospital daily for monitoring and then go home at night. He is just very anti early intervention because what happened with Harry was due to problems with him and that this is a totally different experience. I don't totally believe that yet, and I think I will have some more confidence after my 19 week scan. I do understand that he just wants to do what is best for little spring. He said that a c-section is a very involved operation and he wants me to have a positive birth experience as he thinks it will be part of my healing. Especially because I want 3 children so this is not just about this birth, it is about building confidence forever. Well, I do see what he means but I can't help but freak out and started crying straight away. He said not to worry about it and discuss it with DH and my psychiatrist. He is such a kind OB and I know that he is trying to do what is best but the thought of going into labour again is so frightening.

Oh well, I'll be back later to do personals.

Well after I stuff my face.

Big Love

Spring

Hi all,

The "unstable" one is back - feeling a little bit better. I feel totally exhausted tonight though, the kids didnt come tonight. DH thought it was best for me and them if they stay with their Mum tonight and he will get them in the morning. Surprisingly she was pretty cool about it. So I am going to have a quiet night and make myself feel better for tomorrow. DH was going to cancel the whole weekend but I said that is unfair. He rang and spoke to them and told them I wasnt well, so the 6 year old got really worried cause he thought that meant I was in hospital and when it was explained I wasnt his next question was "is it anything I can catch" LOL... KIDS!

Michelle - Thank you so much for responding to me, I feel just the way you said you did. And it is sometimes just comforting to know that I am "normal". When you said about feeling like a failure, it really does echo my own feelings. I feel like a failure when I have to explain to people that my baby died, I feel like a failure everyone my MIL gets teary and says she is having a sad day, I feel like a failure everytime DH's kids say they have a brother but he died, and overall I feel like a failure every time AF shows up. Did they find any reason as to why it was taking so long for you to conceive? I only ask cause everyone keeps saying to me to relax and it will happen but I feel like it is impossible to relax as I just feel tense all the time, especially during the Oing time. I am sorry to hear that you had such a hard day on Caitlyn's 2nd anniversary, I think those days will always come... even when we are old and grey I think it will still hurt. Knowing you have that healthy beautiful bub growing steadily in your tummy does give me some hope, thanks again.

Spring - I am so happy your scan was good and that lil Spring is kicking and punching away, wont be long and you will be able to feel all that activity and it will be the best feeling in the world :hug: As soon as you can pick some pics you will have to try and scan them and email them to me so I can see him/her.

Lynn - Thanks again for your support, or should I say as usual :) You and I are feeling such similar emotions at the moment and as you said you can also relate to Michelle's post. I am glad to hear I am not a weirdo sitting down listening to these songs, but as far as the guitar I am not the best guitarist but I know how to play around a little and it does give me some enjoyment, although because I dont play often enough can be tough on little fingertips. I hope you are feeling ok today and that trying to smile has helped you a little :hugs:

Hope everyone else is well, and Deb I am still thinking of you and hope you are ok.

Mel

Nighty night everyone. I am feeling really crampy again... I am going to bed with a wheat pack...

Mel: I'm glad that you have the chance to relax and enjoy some time with DH. Don't think that you are being unstable. What you are experiencing is totally normal and as Michelle said, she experienced the same emotions when trying to fall. I want the world for you. I have also just emailed you the pictures of my scan today, I understand if you don't want to look but you mentioned in your last post that you would like to see them.

Tess: A big sorry from me from thinking that you had a son already. I hope that I didn't upset or offend you. I think I just got myself totally confused. I hope that it didn't cause you any worry. Big :hugs: sweetie.

Flowerchild: I think an early night is the best thing. Thank you for reassuring me that I am still welcome. I know it is a little self indulgent, but I was begining to worry that I was outstaying my welcome. Thanks also Mel for letting me know that I am not about to be booted out.

Lynn: How are you sweetie? Has the witch arrived yet? I hope she arrives soon and is easy going on you so that you can begin the next cycle. You are a gem, you deserve so much from this life. I hope you don't mind but I sent you the email of lil Spring also, just delete it if it is too hard to look at. I honestly won't be offended.

Michelle: I've said it before and I'll say it again, you are such a brave soul. Thank you for sharing your story with us all. It is nice to see that people who have experienced this pain have survived and will have healthy babies.

To everyone else a huge Friday night hello :hello:

Here's to the weekend. I'll be stalking BB all weekend as my DH substitute (lol)

Luv Spring

:hello: Hi everyone,

Wow can you lot talk!! I don't know if I can keep up with it all. I'll try.

Mel - I know you got another BFN but you still have a couple of days right? I resisted the urge to test again today, I am trying to wait til monday. Yeah right! But even if AF comes this month, maybe embrace the witch, cos hopefully it will be your last visit from her for a year or so. Now that you have finished up work, I am sure that it will just happen. As I told you, with my two pregnancies, I fell when I was on hols and not working. It is great that you OB has a few things up his sleeve though for the next couple of months though. It's great to hear that the tests that you have had show everything is perfect. Thankyou for sharing Nicolas' song. I know the song well, my mum used to play it when I was little, I never really thought about the words, but when I read them in your post, it is just a perfect choice and so beautiful. I will think of you and Nicholas everytime I hear it now. Oh and when you said in the post about being unstable - if there is a group of chook's that are entitled to be a little bonkers every now and then, it's us!! So don't worry. Enjoy your time with the kids over the weekend, you will need all the practise you can get right :)

Lynn - How are you feeling? It is hard to hear you saying that you should have known. It is the first thing that I said when they told me my little one was gone. I just kept thinking, what kind of mother am I that I didn't even know that there was something wrong. Or worse, I always had a feeling something wasn't quite right with this pregnancy and I pushed those thoughts away and didn't do anything about it, not that anything could have been done for little Asha. But there is absolutely nothing that can be done, once you realise that something isn't right, it's usually too late. Please don't ever blame yourself, this will only put stress on all of your future pregnancies. You know, last night I was thinking about all of our future bub's and I thought, these little buggers will be the luckiest kids in the whole world, cos their mum's know what it is like to lose their babies and they will cherish everything about theses next babies and appreciate them like no one ever could unless they have been through what we have. What little Cooper has given his little brothers and/or sisters is the best mum in the world who will adore them and give them the best possible life. I hope you are feeling better. Oh, and about the recorder at school, could anyone actually play those well? I am having massive flashbacks of those dribble-filled obnoxious instruments. Our poor teachers.

Spring - What you talkin' 'bout Willis? Sorry if you are too young to understand that, but you can't leave us!! you need to stay here and send us all of your leftover baby germs. Plus, we all now have a vested interest in Lil' Spring now. this poor kid will have that many crazy but doting aunties :) I think if you left this thread we'd all just follow you around BB anyway, lol. But seriously, I think we need to see that this is possible for all of us and we will all get our little tickers too! Yes, I admit, I just want to get UTD so I can go and design a cute little ticker, lol. And your birthplan, it is great that you have an OB that is willing to compromise and take your fears into consideration. You say it is a little far off, but how fast is it coming along? it doesn't feel like that long ago that you announced your BFP. Avoid the csection if you can, as I was telling you, they aren't that bad if everything goes to plan, but it's not worth the risk if you can avoid. But also keep in mind that you can demand it if you get to the stage that you think you need it. You a tough cookie though, you can go natural, you have already done the hardest thing anyone can ever do, give birth to an angel, so bringing out Lil Spring should be a walk in the park.

Flowerchild - How are you feeling? I hope you are ok.

Hello to Dream and Tess and anyone that I have left out, I hope you all have a great weekend.

Bailey - LOL at "what you talkin' 'bout Willis?" My sister and I say that to each other all the time, I usually dont say it to others cause they look at me like WTF!!! Well done on the willpower and avoiding testing, even though I really dont think I am pg I know I wont be able to stop myself until the day AF arrives. I dont know why I continue when each one upsets me. I hope youre right and now that I have finished up work that it will happen in no time. You could get a TTC ticker, the site that I got my ticker from has pretty cool options, anything cookie monster like I have to tigger or pooh and non cartoon ones as well. Oh and by the way, I hate to say it but I am one of those dorks who was really good at recorder - I was the best in my class so my parents got me into flute lessons and I sucked big time LOL. My dad is a muso (or should I say ex, he is 58 this year) so I have just grown up with it I guess.

Spring - Thanks for the email, lil Spring is gorgeous and I cant wait until you are at that 20 week or so mark when you can see every feature of their tiny little faces. I will chat to you tomorrow.

Lynn - Again, I hope you are ok :hug:

Deb - Sorry to hear the cramping was getting worse, you really are in my thoughts :hugs:

Goodnight, sleep tight, dont let the bed bugs bite :)

Hey Mel, ha ha on the Willis. I knew it was a risk to put it in, cos same here, people are always looking at me like I am mad - they'd be right. But it really was a What you talkin' 'bout moment, so I just needed to have it there. Thank god you got it :) Oh and the recorder thing, good for you. I was about 6 and I could tell our class was terrible. I can hear it in my head now woooo woooo woooo, no tunes just that monotone whistle sound. I must admit, I did like the little bag mine came in. Also, I had a shiny black one, and everyone else was that bad brown or cream, ha ha I do remember the boy that say next to me in class always had to wipe his desk after recorder, there was dribble everywhere. Oh man, I can't wait to get a ticker...maybe I'll get one for something really irrelevant. I'll think of something!

Mel - there was never any reason for me not being able to fall pregnant. The clomid was a way of increasing the ovulation hormones and the progesterone level. My OB said I was ovulating - just not well :rolleyes: I seem to take between 9-12 months between pregnancies before I can fall pregnant again. Just my body and its personal schedule. I am more than happy to remind you how normal you are anytime you need it :hug:

Spring - thank you :hug:

LMAO - Yeah that sound, I used to be able to play hit the road jack and greensleeves and of course the all time favourite baa baa black sheep. Oh the memories! I am so jealous I always wanted a black one but only got a crappy cream one :angry: I used to tell my parents that I was so deprived as a child, not only with the recorder but I also wanted a Barbie bus which I NEVER got :rolleyes: LOL at the kid with the drool, gross but funny.

Re the ticker you are still entitled to a ticker if TTC, time ticks by every single day just like when pg so why not get yourself one. I get bored with mine all the time and create a new one. I get bored very easily actually.

Michelle, in a way it is comforting to know that there was no reason for the length of time it took you other than your bodies own schedule. Maybe in the next couple of months my body will work out its own schedule and I will be able to join the PG thread too. Thanks again :)

Anytime :hug: The hardest part for me was feeling so alone. BB has been a blessing and I am pleased to be able to give back.

Mel - Greensleeve's AND Hit the Road Jack!!:cryinglaugh: You must have been in Super-Advanced Recorder, cos I can only remember Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and even then, I don't remember us actually getting the tune, just a whole lot of woooo's. Wow, is that what the little holes are for, the tune?? Lol, I thought it was just a spit release:lol:

Oh well - another :bfn: Guess I should be used to this huh... but I'm not :angry:

How you feeling Deb? Hope the crampy feeling has eased :hug:

Hi to everyone else.

Hard as it is, be patient with yourself. Your body has undergone an ordeal that often takes as long to return to normal as it did to get to that state. You never get used to the negatives no matter how many you see but I understand the need to BE pregnant, and preferably yesterday :hug:

I know you're right, not only does our body through an ordeal but I guess also our head which I am pretty sure isnt helping the situation :wall: And yes, yesterday would be great.

Spring - I'm so glad that your scan went well. Only you can make the decision on when you want bubba born and how. I can totally understand the freak out because all you want is that little bubba screaming in your arms. Whatever you decide to do, you have my support and I'm sure you will choose whatever is best for you and bubba. It is good to have a plan but also remember that you can change your mind at any time. Thank you so much for emailing me the scans. Of course I didn't delete it!! I looked at lil' Spring and got a tear (but a good one!!!) I am just so happy for you and glad that everything is going ok. I just wish I was travelling this journey with you! I will be there soon......very soon. Positive thinking.

Mel - I'm sorry that you got another BFN. I just don't know what to say because I know how you feel. Every time I got one, it just breaks your heart and you just don't understand because you think you have done everything right - if it's like me you have probably been bedding for what seems like forever and you think how did I miss it :wall:
I hope you had a nice quiet night last night and relaxed. Hope the kids are being good for you today

Bailey - :hugs: to you. Your words are so true - thank you. I know that I can't blame myself and that it probably isn't helping with fall pg. I will think of this next time I am in the deep hole! You are so right about cherishing our bubbas. I am going to kiss and cuddle my babies so much and spoil them rotten (not brats though - need to find that line lol) And they will be the luckiest kids because they will have a angel watching over them and protecting them for their whole lives.

Deb - I hope the cramping has eased up a bit. I have been thinking of you and hope you are doing 'ok'. Big :hugs: to you.

Nat - I hope you are having a nice relaxing weekend and not too busy! Take care, talk soon :hug:

Well no AF for me yet which in a way is good and in a way is bad - totally confused! Me too. Well it is good that it hasn't come yet because I am only 7dpo (I think) so I am hoping that I get close to 14dpo before she arrives because at least that is close to normal. Last month it came 7dpo which isn't good so maybe this month it will be closer to 14 and my body is starting to get on track. The bad thing is I can't start to plan next month until she arrives - aghhhhhhh I can't control it, so I will just sit back and wait! I'm having a BT on Monday to check my prog levels so it will be interesting to get those results. Not good having a BT on my birthday!!! But that's ok, don't really feel like celebrating when I don't have my baby here with me. Another year older without any earth babies.

Enjoy your weekend my special friends

Luv & hugs
Lynn
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello ladies, have been on the road in far north queensland for a week so it's just taken me most of the day to catch up on all the goss and it seems to have been quite a week. Don't think I have enough of a handle to do too many personals but to Deb I am just so devastated that this wasn't the one - I am absolutely amazed and inspired by your strength and courage, I'm so scared that I will just fall apart if it's happens again but you are an inspiration.

Mel and Lynn I'm so sorry you are having a tough month and there wasn't a BFP to celebrate, sounds like you are both in a better place now though and ready to face the next round?

Spring it's wonderful to hear your scan was great and you are so well - I for one enjoy hearing how you are going and would miss the updates if you left so please hang around and bring some good baby luck into the forum!

I think I'm curently on CD 23, (my ticker isnt working and never seems too!) and this morning have been feeling quite 'off' - I noticed some of the posts about how early can you tell, I guess there is no formula and is probably always different but I can live in hope! Not sure if it is really too early to test - I'm very tempted, haven't yet turned into a test junkie because I'm scared if I open the gates I may never stop doing it!!!!

Its interesting that a lot of you talk about testing HCG levels right from the start, it's something my OB has never done, he just gets me in for a scan at 6 weeks to check for a heart beat - is it something I should be asking for? The only other thing he has ever suggested is the progesterone pessaries (which didn't work)....Nat you asked me once what meds they had me on, is there something else he could/should be considering?

Hi to everyone else, hope you are having a lovely weekend and are giving yourselves a well earned treat of some description..:rolleyes:

Oh Lynn: I didn't realise that it is your birthday on Monday!! We will have to catch up some time soon so that I can give you a birthday pressy. I know you really don't feel like celebrating, but a birthday is a time to be spoilt so I hope that it is a special day for you. I understand your mixed feelings about AF, I too hope that you get closer to the 14 DPO but I also hope that she turns up soon (not making much sense am I0

Mel: I'm sorry that you got another BFN :hug: how are you going with the kids there today? I hope that they behave for you. I know that Monday is fast approaching so just know that I am thinking of you. Talk to you tonight.

Bailey: 'What you talkin 'bout Willis' is that something to do with that short black man who used to be on TV? Or may be the A Team, oh no that is 'I pitty the fool', can you explain it to me as you can see I have no idea. But thank you for making me feel so welcome 'you complete me' (lol)

Flowerchild: I totally understand that you need some time to yourself at the moment, but if you are reading these threads, I just wanted to make sure that you knew that we are all thinking about you.

Well I have had a bit of a rough day. DH has been a bit weird about Lil Spring, he just doesn't seem excited and I guess it all came to a head yesterday when I tried to call him after the scan (which I said I would) and it went to his message bank. We talked about it today and he was totally honest with me and said that he is so nervous and scared about this pregnancy that he feels like when I call, he is so overcome that he can't answer. Now this is a big thing for DH to admit. He puts on the 'everthing is going to be great' face and as far as I could tell he was just disinterested, now I know that this is his protection mechanism and his way to protect himself by not allowing himself to get excited. At first I was so glad that he was honest and opened up to me but now I feel really worried. DH has always been the one to say 'it is going to be ok' and now is he having doubts. Should I be worried? It is a huge thing for him to admit he is scared, he is such a tough bloke that the stress is really getting to him. I told him I loved him no matter what and that being honest with me helps me to understand his actions now, I guess I just needed to get it off my chest and we can talk to the pshyc about it on Thursday. I am also letting doubts enter my mind about my Ob. He is certain that he doesn't want to induce me earlier that 38 weeks, should I listen to him or should I go elsewhere? I am just feeling really confused and really unsettled about it all. Doesn't help that DH isn't home at the moment.

Oh well, I am sure we will sort it all out.

Luv Spring

Spring - I'm sorry that you are going through this by yourself and you don't DH at home with you. I'm sure that he is just as scared as you are but at the same time is there to support you. He is probably scared because he hasn't seen lil' Spring like you have. Maybe when he is home next week and he goes with you and he sees lil' Spring, he will be more excited. I don't think he is having doubts, he is probably upset that he isn't there for you at the moment and just isn't as strong as he normally is.
Is your ob definite about not inducing before 38 weeks? I guess it is a decision that you will have to make soon because you don't want to get to near the end and then you really want to be induced at 36 and he won't do it. Maybe have another chat to him and ask him his reasons and this might help you to go through to 38. Also being in hospital might help too because you can be monitored. I guess I don't really know the risks of inducing at 36 weeks so can't really advise you - sorry I wish I could. I know this is a difficult decision but I know you will work out what is best for you. Remember at the end of the day, it is your decision. Take care and I'm thinking of you. :hug:

Ahhh Spring - you have to love the male mind. It is their *job* to protect us, to say it is all fine and to put on a tough front.

My DH didn't truly cry and let me see how distressed he was after Caitlyn was born until the night after her funeral. It was then that he sobbed and let it all out. A close male friend of his rang us on Sunday for Caitlyn's EDD anniversary which brought him to tears too.

They are marshmallows with a tough coating. I have no doubt our next scan (which DH can't be at) will leave him in a complete state waiting for the phone call, purely because last pregnancy when I rang him it was to tell him *lentil* didn't have a heartbeat and our baby was dead (not the kind of phone call you want to receive). He has been to all the scans this time so far.

It took a lot of courage for your man to admit how he feels. We have no guarentees in this world and it is hard to hold up the end of positivity all the time. That doesn't mean he thinks it will all go wrong, just that he has doubts at times too ..... which is completely normal.

As for the OB, well I would say stick with them at this stage. They have already suggested monitoring (in hospital if needed) from 36 weeks. See how you are emotionally as this pregnancy progresses. You may be able to discuss the option of an elective c-section at a later stage and if needed you can change your mind (and your doctor) later. It is not something that needs to be completed today, or even this month. You have a baby to grow that needs another 25 weeks of cooking before that decision is required :hug:

Oh Spring :hug: I am sorry you are having a rough day. I can really understand where DH is coming from, I think it is almost natural to protect yourself "just in case" you know, he is probably just so terrified not only of himself going through losing another child but probably most of all seeing his wife who he loves with all his heart go through it. As much as we sometimes get caught up in how WE feel (I am so guilty of this), our DH's lives have been shattered as well and I think they just dont show it. If you think about it, you are scared yourself which is totally natural and I am sure he feels the same way. He is probably thinking the same way us mums do... how will we cope if we have to bury another child? I think it is great that he was honest with you and I can imagine how difficult itt was for him to do that, he wouldnt want to upset you and he knew that is was possible. I think it says alot about your relationship that he can be so honest, and that you can accept his honesty. Although, just because he is worried doesnt mean that there IS anything to worry about, he is just being cautious. Re your OB I really think only you can know what is the right thing to do, you know how comfortable he makes you feel and if you have confidence in him, maybe you should stick it out. However, you are the one with the power, this is your baby and at the end of the day after everything you have been through, you should have the option to do what YOU feel is best for you and your baby. Did you say DH was going with you during the week? Maybe wait to make any decisions until then and discuss it between you and make a joint decision then. Anyway, probably should have just waited til I speak to you but didnt want you to sit there all afternoon stressing.

Mish, nice to see you back. Sorry but I cant give any info about HCG levels cause I never had my levels done when I was pregnant with Nicholas. But, I really hope you a :bfp:

Mel

P.S. "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?" is that short black guy from Different Strokes. LOL at "you complete me" I love Austin Powers. But the mini-me guy is a bit creepy. He is on the Foxtel show Surreal Life and he just freaks me out bad.

Thanks Lynn and Michelle

You are so right, they are big marshmallows with a tough coating. With my first pregnancy DH came to every appointment and it wasn't until he was holding Harrison after I had given birth that he cried. He had kept it together the whole labour which astonished me as I was crying so hard I was making myself sick.

I think my ob is fairly certain about the 38 week mark. I know he is trying to give me the confidence to get to 38 weeks but I feel ill just thinking about it. I am considering getting a doula to help me more with my preparation. I just keep thinking, what if at the 36 week mark, something in me switches on which caused me to lose Harry. I know that none of the medical evidence suggests that, but how can they be sure. I am driving myself insane thinking about it.

DH will be at my appointment with me next Thursday and although he will listen to everything the Dr advises, I know if I say I can't make it to 38, then he will support me. Apparently with taking a baby out early (before they are ready) there is an increased risk of respiratory (sp?) distress and some babies need assistance breathing, in the worst case ventilation and risk of infection is higher.

I have made a decision though, I am going to try my hardest to get to 38 weeks but if I can't, I am going to turn up at the hospital with my bag and DH and induce myself (lol) I'll probably get admitted to the pshyc ward instead.

Luv Spring

Sorry Lynn I didnt see your post before, I see what you mean sort of like a catch 22 - you just want it to come but then you want it to hold off longer, I really do hope it holds off a bit longer now I think because as you said it means your cycle may be getting some sort of routine. I didnt realise it was your birthday on Monday either, I wont say happy birthday now I will save it til then. I totally understand why you are not looking forward to your birthday, I felt exactly the same you do when it was my birthday. "Another year older without earth babies" - exactly.

:hug:

Love Mel

Sorry Mel, just missed your post.

You are right, I am going to be empowered and make the decision that is right for me. Nothing can take that away from me. I am very happy with my OB but feeling a little railroaded at the moment. Perhaps I can write down how I feel and give it to him in writing. It is so hard to communicate when you are at the appointment because all I want to see is that heartbeat and everything else is a blur.

Oh and thanks for the tip on 'What you talkin 'bout Willis" I think I was on the right track with the guy I was thinking of.

Talk later.
Spring

Thanks Mel. I knew you would understand the whole birthday thing because you felt the same way. It just isn't fair to be turning another year older without our babies. I just find it hard because I have been trying for a baby since I was 26 so here comes 29 and my arms are empty.

I know Monday will be hard day for you so if I don't hear from you, I understand :hugs: I will be thinking of you and Nicholas :hug:

Hey gals,
Just a quickie, we are off to the footy tonight to see my team get flogged as usual, but I will come back later tonight.

Spring - Please don't stress out to much about DH, as everyone has said, they just deal with things differently, and he must be so scared. You have to remember that they are still cavemen,lol, well mine is anyway, and they think they have to protect us, as not only is he petrified about becoming attatched to this baby like he was and is to Harrison, he is so worried about you too. I am positive he is distancing himself a little so that he can be strong for you. Imagine how it must be for him, his current and past jobs are all about being a protector in a sense so this must be instilled in him, so he must be so protective over you and it must just kill him to not only go through losing his son that he couldn't protect, but to see you so upset all the time, and with the added stress of another pregnancy and being away from you. It must be so hard on him. I can understand this whole distanceing yourself thing, it is what I did automatically when I found out Asha had died. I was like just take her out, I don;t want to know or see anything, it was just my brain shutting me down I guess so I could cope. My DP never talks about it all unless I almost force him and though he wants another baby so much, he doesn't talk about the future with 2 kids anymore like he did when I was pregnant, so I think that he is kind of doing the same thing as your DH. I know that it is not that they are disinterested, it has to be because they are trying to be strong and prepared for whatever might come. Don't give yourself more things to worry about. You take it easy and be good to you and Lil' Spring. When you guys see that little baby for the first time, I am sure he will turn to jelly. Oh and with the OB and going to 38 weeks, I would just humour him and go along with what he says, when you get closer to the time, you may feel different about going early, and if you don't and still want Lil Spring out, then it is your choice and they will have to take your history and stress levels into account. As stressful as being pregnant must be, you, like me had the feeling that something wasn't right with our babies, and you said to me you didn't have that feeling this time, so trust yoursef and your body and try to relax. This baby WILL be coming home with you, he/she has a special big brother that will make sure of it. I hope you are feeling better after getting it off your chest. Sorry, I have been babbling I know, but I just really hope you are ok. Oh and lol at the A team, that was my brothers favourite. :lol:

Mel - Sorry about BFN. I tried not to test today, but I did and I am the same. I think I have officially joined the Test Junkie club :) I even went and bought more today!
Hey, how funny is the Surreal life? Did you watch the one where Mini-Me got really drunk and rode around the house on his scooter in the nude? Creepy but I couldn't turn away.

Well, I will come back on later and punish you all later after I return from the footy. Go the Rabbitohs!!

I don't know what someone has done with my caveman husband and where this new SNAG has come from. I just spoke to him then and he said his eyes welled with tears when he opened my email with the scan pics of Lil Spring. He said his feelings about this pregnancy are so amplified because of the fear and nervousness. What a sweetie, I just want to give him a big cuddle but I can't. I will see him on Tuesday because I am in Canberra for work but it will only be for a few hours. It is Harry's 5 month Birthday so no doubt we will both just sit in and cry. Well at least we can be together.

He is such a wonderful man and I am just in an emotional mood. I think those pregnancy hormones are really kicking in.

Bailey: thanks for your kind words, everything you said made complete sense to me. I hope your footy team came up with the goods.

Talk later

Lv Spring

Spring you will be able to give your DH the biggest hug on Tuesday. That is good that you will be together for Harrison's 5 month birthday and if you both sit and cry, it doesn't matter because you are together. I'm glad you are feeling better about DH emotions. I guess we forget that men have emotions too.

Bailey - Just watch the end of the footy game and your team lost by 2 :doh: at least it wasn't a flogging!

I went out to dinner with some friends tonight and my closest friend told me that she is moving to Brisbane. :crying: Her husband goes at the end of March and she is going in August. I said noooooooooooooo I need you here and she said that she is only an hour away by plane and that she will be back by the end of the year to meet my second baby - she is so positive, I hope it rubs off on me.

Hi Lynn

I know how hard it is to be away from friends, but don't worry, I'll take good care of you and it gives you the perfect excuse to visit beautiful Brissy.

Bailey: Bummer about your team. Hopefully it was an exciting game anyway.

Mel: so nice to talk to you. I'm off to bed now.

Big love until tomorrow
Spring

Thanks Spring :hug: I know you will look after me and I appreciate that.

Have a good nights sleep. :asleep: Sweet dreams.

Luv & hugs
Lynn
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hey all,

Yes, my team lost by 2 stinking points...but I am ok, I've gone for the poor bunnies my whole life, and they always lose, so I am used to it :wall:

Spring - Yay on your snag. That is excellent. I know I babbled on lots before, but I could see a little of what you must have been feeling. It's not fair that you two should be apart during this time. Cheeky Lil' Spring, giving mum and dad all this worry. You will have to ground them and punish them with love and kisses when they get here.

Lynn - I am sorry about your friend moving away. That sucks. One of my closest friends lives in Germany at the moment. But you have lots of bestie's here to look after you.:hugs: ha ha, I went to put the hugs smilie here and I accidently put the BD'ing one on and had to change it. We really would be looking after you then huh? Lol.

:hello: and :hug: to everyone

Well just when I thought life was going smoothly, I find some blood on the toilet paper. It was only microscopic, but it was there. No cramping or pain, just a few small dots.

I don't know what to do. My Ob isn't in his offices on Monday and I am in Canberra on Tuesday. Why does this have to happen?

Every time I see blood I immediately think the worse. I hope that is the last of it. I can't handle anymore. My next appointment is on Thursday, but I don't know if I can make it till then. I would never forgive myself if my first scan with DH and there was no heartbeat.

I have my obs mobile number so perhaps I should call him tomorrow. I know I had a scan on Friday but I can't wait until Thursday for another one.