Wedding presents...

[Mak]

Just wondering how rude it is to give a gift when the couple have requested cash instead?

Also how much would you spend/give as a gift?

We are off to BIL's wedding and an interesting discussion was had about how much money they were expecting to receive as gifts....it was a little more than I had anticipated so was just wanting to gauge others opinions!

Cheers

[Mel A]

I tend to go with $50 Per person going to the wedding. so if it is a couple $100 for a wedding.

I think the rule is you spend on a present what they spend on your food and drink.

[alioops]

It depends on what they have and really need. Like if you know they dont have a lot of linen you could buy linen and just say that you weren't comfortable giving them cash without it being annonymous. If they do plan on having a wishing well though then give what YOU feel comfortable giving. It is rude for them to have an expectation as to what people should give, because a gift is just that and they should be thankful to get anything, especially if you are not in the same position financially that you have been in before.

[Marlene]

It is rude for them to have an expectation as to what people should give, because a gift is just that and they should be thankful to get anything, especially if you are not in the same position financially that you have been in before.

I agree!

[Mak]

Thanks girls! I thought it was a little unusual - they are expecting ~ $150 per head (so $600 from our family....even though we have 2 little people) which gave me a bit of a fright.
I am a little sentimental and would love to buy them something special for their house - rather than a cash deposit into their bank account (which was the direction in the invitation). I am really uncomfortable with the whole money thing especially after the inital conversation.

[~Hestia~]

I don't think it's rude to give a gift instead of cash, but possibly frustrating for the couple. Couples who ask for cash are probably getting something in particular with the money. I DO think it's rude for the couple to expect a certain amount, in your case $150 per head. You probably wouldn't spend $600 on a bought wedding present.
What I spend/give as cash depends on my relationtionship with the couple. The closer they are the more I'd spend/give.
When DH & I got married we had been living together for years & had doubles of everything, triples of some things!! We didn't need anymore things for the house & didn't want people spending money on stuff that would go to waste. We did need a new washing machine so our invitation said if guests wanted to give a gift, we would appreciate giftcards from XXXXXX store. I had no expectations whatsoever as to amounts or even if people would just choose not to give instead. The amounts we received ranged from $30 to $300 & we were able to buy exactly what we needed/wanted. A few people gave presents instead of giftcards & unfortunately we haven't used these household items once. I'm not annoyed they didn't give what we asked for, more regretful that it's being wasted.

[luna moth]

When DH & I got married we had been living together for years & had doubles of everything, triples of some things!! We didn't need anymore things for the house & didn't want people spending money on stuff that would go to waste.

We were in a similar situation, so asked for handmade gifts, handwritten stories, advice, photos, recipesetc. Or donations to charity. We got so many beautiful gifts that came from the heart that I ended up crying at every gift I opened. The best ones:
-A massive folder of marriage advice and recipes from a cousin
-A CD of another cousin's favourite love songs
-A framed photo of the place where we got engaged
-A photo of us on one of our first dates.

We got a platter, some towels, tea towels etc, but they were [excuse this] disappointing after gifts with so much love.

So maybe you could try something like that with a gift, and it would be unforgettable.

[Nelle]

I think just give what you can afford. If they give you stick (and that would be blimmin rude, cheeky and ungrateful), then just say 'we're sorry, that's all we could afford'. Although I'm not sure what you'd have to be sorry about...

[briggsy's girl]

we asked for gift vouchers for home reno's as we'd combined two houses full of stuff into one and were still in the process of trying to sort and donate what wasn't needed. we ended up getting vouchers ranging from $10 up to $150 i think (i just took all the gift cards of their backing and didn't look at the amount cos i didn't care!) and managed to completely paint (well, buy the paint - it's a work in progress!) inside and out, renovate our garden - and with the cash we were given we bought a video recorder.

what we GIVE for a wedding is definitely related to how close we are to the couple getting married. basically we look at how far we have to travel, how much we fork out on accommodation, and things like that. i'd never give more than about $100 as a family cos there is so much more to consider than just the dollars you give them! i'm usually more likely to buy a gift than to put cash or vouchers in a box unless i KNOW what it's going towards - and i'm glad i'm like that - DH's nephew and wife got married over four years ago and asked for cash for a new fence out the front - they used the money they got on bills for someone else (her eldest son from prev relationship!) and it's only now, over 4 years later, they've made a start on replacing the fence! it's not usual for me to judge stuff like that, but really, if you say you want money for X, use it for X!!! i ended up not giving them money - i was bridesmaid and did soooo much for them - so i got them something i knew they didn't have (a meat keeper for bbq - not exxy but i was sick of having to find plates for hot food and try to keep it warm while we were there!). i also put a lot of effort into making sure they got a lot of other sentimental things from the wedding that they didn't think of... i think a well thought out gift (sentimental or something you know they don't have and could use) is much better than cash

as to the expectation of $150 a head - that's just bloody greedy!

[*Ang*]

I think that the expectation part is greedy/wrong as not everyone can afford that realistically...but I hate to say it can also depend on what cultural background the couple come from -certain cultures expect more and I can say this quite honestly coming from a European family myself.

My BIL got married last November and as they are immediate family we gave them vouchers to the value of $400 - they had asked for cash and knowing how frivolous they can be we chose vouchers instead. My fave cousin got married last month and we gave him and his bride $350, they had also asked for cash.

As to whether it is rude to give a present instead of cash, no not at all but perhaps go along the lines of something really sentimental and from the heart as opposed to linen etc.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I always buy a gift unless I know to where the money is going. On the invite if I see "we'd like money donations to go towards..." then that's fine. Otherwise, a gift. A nice gift and a pretty gift, but not money.

Also, travel vouchers for a honeymoon - no. Gift from me there too. I want to buy you more than a drink or a meal or some duty-free for your wedding!

[Just Me]

I was told that the tradition with giving money at a wedding was to give 2 envelopes - 1 with a card (which goes on the table) and the other with cash but no card (which goes in the wishing well).

$150 pp seems incredibly ludicrous. If they are expecting that from each person at their wedding I would think they have a snow flakes chance in hell of it actually happening. Most people would not give that much. It is an interesting concept though - a wedding as a fundraising event

I think $50 for each adult is a reasonable amount. Unless you are particularly close to them and want to give more.

[tk1999]

We are going to DPs cousin's wedding in a few weeks... he and his bride have asked for gifts of money and DP and I were discussing this also.

In the past I have gone for the $50 per adult - so we give $100 as a couple... I think they are being incredibly rude by expecting a specific amount - and were the cash gifts are not anonymous (ie wishing well) we give a card and then the $$ in a separate envelope

Also, I don't think it is rude to give a gift instead of cash

[Michelle71]

We asked for cash for our wedding as we were already living together. BUT we also knew there were some who would not wish to give money so we also had a gift register so we could get items we really needed or could use. With the cash we had a bookcase and a combined bookcase / display cabinet / wine rack made from hardwood for our home. It will be with us forever!! I then took photos and sent a copy to those who had given us money as a gift to show what we had used it for.

As for what to give - I usually work on $50 pp but we gave more for immediate family (siblings). But only do that if you can afford it and want to. What I expected from others - for them to be there and to share our special day. Their gift was an added bonus and not the reason for their invite.

[Mak]

Once again thanks for your ideas - I love the idea of the special personalised gift for the couple .... The family is of European background but the wedding is a little different, it is very small and low key. It is 2 hours from home and DD1 is the flower girl so we have spent considerable $ on her dress etc. I sound really mean but they are just planning on putting the money in the mortgage ... which is admirable but not quite what I want to contribute towards. There are quite big expectations of others but none from their end. Thanks for your suggestions to help me out! To be honest I will be glad when it is over...

[JLeigh29]

A couple of things...
First, we must be stingy because I think even $100 is a lot of money to spend on a wedding gift!!
Second, I dislike giving money, but I think gift vouchers are fine, especially if you know what it's for. Maybe if I knew what the money was going towards I'd do that ... Michelle71, I love your idea of taking a photo of what you bought and sending it to those who gave money or vouchers.
Third, for our wedding DH and I wrote a list of gift ideas of things we needed in a wide price range (from tea towels and egg flips up!) so people could get a pressie that wouldn't be wasted. We also included gift vouchers from XXXX store so we could buy a mattress.