*whinge* Balancing Work and Baby

[Mollygirl]

I hear you!!! I agree with catrionalee about the cleaner and when I go back to work in 3 months I will be getting a cleaner once a fortnight even though I will only be working 3 days a week and we can't really afford it.
I am lucky my DH cooks even though I am not working, because I find BF and a toddler and baby really tiring so he doesn't expect me to cook every night, but I just wish he would pick up after himself instead of waiting for the fairies to come and pick up his clothes or put his shoes away!!!!!
I feel stuck in a messy house with no time to tidy and clean and look after the kids.

The only suggestion I would say is doing a list and seeing if he can do some chores and splitting the workload. Can you get someone else at work so he doesn't have to work 7 days, but only works 5 or 6???

Sending you lots of support!

[Roryrory]

It's funny, I was just thinking today about the old saying "a woman's work is never done". Traditionally, and by the sounds of it in your marriage, men would go to work 8-10 hours a day and come home and that was it, but for women there is always something that should or could be done at home. Even if the house is spotless and the meal is cooked, you could always plan next week's menu, wash the curtains, vacuum under the cushions on the couch or whatever.

And traditionally, men have shouldered the "burden" of supporting the family. It sounds like your DH has really got it into his head that he is putting in his fair share by running the business. You said you wanted some honest advice, so here are a few home truths for both of you (from my persepctive.

1. Yes, it is a big "burden" to carry the family financially, but usually that is a choice, of sorts, that we make before we have kids. I am the main breadwinner in our family and my DH hasn't worked outside the home for 3 years. I keenly feel that I am responsible for how quickly our mortgage gets paid, whether we have enough money for food, how often we holiday and so on. But we decided to arrange our lives like this - I love my career, I earn more, DH wasn't into his career as much, so it was an easy choice. It is wrong for me to carry on about my "burden" because, quite frankly, that's life for those of us who aren't independently wealthy.

2. When you are home you can run your own ship. The days that you are at home you don't HAVE to clean if you don't want to. You don't have a boss or customers hassling you to get the job done. If you want to work like a maniac for 3 hours and then spend the rest of the day playing with your bub you can. Your DH, when he is at work, probably has to be "on the job" the whole time (UI imagine this is especially the case if it is his own business). Yes, you do work two days a week, but for the other five you can pretty well do as you please. During my mummy years I have variously worked 2, 3 and 4 days a week so I have had the chance to compare the two "worlds".

3. When you work outside the home you have a "life". Without knowing what your DH does I can't speak about what he probably does, but most workers get a lunchbreak without a baby clinging to them, a coffee break when they chat without having to sing "baa baa black sheep" and a little bit of adult conversation. They get to feel that what they are doing is valued (hey, they are shouldering the "burden" of supporting the family, aren't they?) and often have a bit of automony in what they choose to do next. I liked working - I got to read emails in peace, have lunch with friends, the list goes on.

4. Housework can be overdone. It can be "underdone". You need to find a balance. Sounds to me like you want a clean house - heck, so do I - but that your DH doesn't value the effort taken to get it or even value the clean house in the first place? When he says "pull your weight" it sounds like he means the business, not the dirty washing he avoids. Ideally, you two will decide TOGETHER (ie: not him saying leave it messy and you insisting it be perfect) how clean the house should or shouldn't be. I would strongly suggest you then draw up a list of what needs to be done on a weekly basis to achieve this.

5. Organisation makes a HUGE difference. Take a look at websites like "FlyLady" or "Organized Home" and look at creating a household planner. Basically you divide it up into sections for cleaning, cooking, and so on and create a workplan for your house. I am a career girl through and through and I have actually found that this kind of approach actually helps me deal with the never-ending drudgery that can be housework. I personally have a love-hate relationship with housewifery - the very nature of its economic dependence and lack of perceived worth in our society repells me, but at the same time the promise of domestic bliss is deeply attractive. Organsing myself with a household notebook helps me deal with these contradictions in my life.

6. Men just don't see mess. They need to be shown. See if your DH will agree to a list of jobs for him to do.

7. Has your DH ever really looked after your bub, full time? My DH did while I was working and BOY does it make a difference to his attitude to SAHMism. Anyone who has cared for a child alone at home knows that it is no easy job.

Hope this helps - I know it is all scattered but there is no easy answer.

[Lucy]

Is this the way it is for us women in the workforce or have I just got a lazy sod on my hands?!

A bit of both I reckon.

10 years on and 3 children later, I still get cranky with my DH over this issue. He is not too bad, BUT, I still get resentful that not only is the house my job as well as the kids, but also all of the 'extra' organisational stuff life throws at us such as kindy, swimming lessons, Dr's appts, birthdays, Christmas etc.

We have a rule now (and bear in mind it has taken a LOT of negotiation to get to this point!) where:

~ When I am at home with the kids the house is my job
~ When DH is at work, that is his job
~ When we are BOTH at home, the chores get spilt 50/50

There is a good article that may help here: Writing It Down

BUT, it may take YEARS before you get to a position where you can be satisfied..........

(I am still not there to be honest, but if I think back to when Olivia was a newborn, we have moved in leaps and bounds since, so there IS hope!)

[Bathsheba]

Great post Rory! And that's what we do Lucy.... it works for us too.

I learned with my first child 13 years ago that having a career and juggling children was going to be tough... i swore to never try to attempt to do both... but I have... and studied at the same time as well. After trying many things I decided that it was going to be one or the other. I prefer to live simply and all that juggling was making me dizzy and this affects your mood and therefore your children. My DH is bloody brilliant though. He will come home from a management job (banker) that can also be highly stressful and he will roll his sleeves up and get stuck into it. Now that I have an illness that involves incredible fatigue and muscle weakness DH has to do even more. Before I was diagnosed i thought I ws just being slack by not keeping up with the housework (i've been a SAHM for the past 5 years) but at least I know now what was going on. I wonder what your DH would do if you fell ill? He is going to have to learn to accept more responsibility for the domestic work. There are many a business owner who doesn't have a wife that have to find the energy to grapple with the domestic drudge. I would cut back what you do.... down to the bare bones. Put him in a position of picking up the slack. Don't fight about it.... just tell him that you are pulling your weight and will not do any more. Who gets to sleep through each night? Does he get up at night? if you are getting up make sure you make up for it during the day.

Do what you think is fair. Don't fight about it. Make a calm stand. If he wants something done so much then he is capable of doing it just like my DH and every other professional bloke who is single. Getting a cleaner in will only help so much... you can't ask the cleaner to: pay the bills, go buy a gift for the party on the weekend, make appointments on the phone, plan the menus.... keep the cleaner but know that there is more to running a house than she will ever be able to do. But most importantly try to relax into the mess until your DH "adjusts".