PP - Did you try expressing before the morning feed? I didn't do it this morning cos I was tired and it's hot again today! And Maya did 3 big spews afterwards. She never spews so it was a bit of a shock. I think it would be from too much milk shooting down her throat!

As for work: I didn't know how much maternity leave to take (I can have up to 7 years off!). I decided to put down Jan 2010 for going back. I thought I'd love being a SAHM, but TBH I'm not really enjoying it and I feel like I'm the only mother who doesn't enjoy it. I love Maya so much!! But I still find it so hard. I still have no idea what to do with her when she's awake and TBH I'm bored with the sameness of every day! I am so used to every day being totally different and never knowing what might happen. I also really miss adult company. I am basically on my own with Maya every weekday from 8am-ish till 6-7pm-ish.

I feel like I'm being such a terrible mum for her at the moment cos I am just not enjoying it and all I want to do is be able to put her down to sleep or to play. But to put her down to sleep I still have to rock her to sleep. Plus I still don't know what her tired signs are! So I just go by how long she's been up for (1 1/2 to 2 hours).. which may or may not be enough awake time for her. So I'm prob either putting her down when she's still happy being awake or over tired! And as for putting her down to play - she doesn't last long on her own plus I feel guilty that I'm not entertaining her and talking to her.

No one comes to visit me and I can't visit anyone cos she hates being in the car! So I feel trapped at home. And at the moment I don't want to even go for our daily walk cos it's ridiculously hot outside - so I really am stuck at home. I don't have any routine at all and I don't know what kinds of activities I can do with her.

What do you do with your babies when they are awake? I feel like I should be talking to her more than I do. I swear she doesn't smile as much as she used to. I think maybe she's picking up on the fact that I'm not happy. But I have no idea what to do! I love her to bits and I want her. But I don't want to be with her on my own ALL THE TIME! I want to be able to get out and do things. But when I take her to the shops any time I stop to look at anything she starts crying. I feel like I can't go out for a coffee, shop, library, anything. Just long walks. And at home I try and do some exercise with her, read to her a bit, give her a rattle to play with, do a little tummy time, put her in her rocker sometimes when she's happy to be there, walk around with her, and yet there are still so many hours to fill and I'm out of ideas on what to fill them with.

It's funny though cos I do think about having more kids.. so obviously it's not all bad. But I think it'll be when Maya's a lot older!

I think I'm just not a 'natural' mum. Which is what I thought I'd be. And I feel guilty and sad that I'm not enjoying it like I thought I would and that I just feel at a loss nearly all the time as to whether she's tired, hungry, etc and what to do with her when awake?! And I am bored and tired of having to entertain her, feed her, everything for her all the time, when all I want is time to myself - which just makes me feel even less like a good mother and more guilty. I think I really need some time to myself though!

hmmm.. prob can tell.. I'm feeling extra down today. But have been feeling this way for a while now. It seems to be getting worse though.

And she's awake again!