Hi girls,

Well, I thought I might reply to all of your wonderful responses on FB here. I'd like to kinda debrief a little too I think, so doing it here is easier than writing an epic reply on FB! Mind you this could be an epic post Here goes......

Where to start then? I guess I will say that I am feeling a bit better today. I have been struggling for a few weeks. I can tell because my house ends up like a bomb has hit it. And when people say don't worry, just leave it, well...there is a point you have to worry. The is a stage in time when the dishes in the sink are unhygenic, when DD has no undies and DS needs clean pants to wear. I need space on my kitchen bench to prepare food, pots to cook in.....yada yada! So it's fair enough to say don't worry and for me not to worry, but eventually, someone has to worry about it, and being the SAHM it's usually me. While DH is a great help when he can, he works. But he also doesn't see the mess like I do. He doesn't care so much (which is great in one way, and torture in others!) He will do what I ask, but often with a sigh like he's thinking 'why should I do it, and not you who stays at home all day?' And he's a 'gunna', he's always 'gunna' do stuff. He's just had 2 days off (today being the 2nd) and this break he was gunna clean out the atrocious spare room, do a bit of gardening and mow the lawns. He's done nothing and what's the bet that at the end of the day, I have mown the lawns (plus everything else I will do) and nothing else has been done that he said. He will help with the kids and maybe do some other things like hang a load of washing, but not what he ways he wants to do, which I also would love to get done too! But other than DH, we have noone out here. I have no family and not really any friends I can really rely on. The other day when I posted was a particularly atrocious day and if I had a friend or family I could have called I would have, but I had noone, not even DH that day, he was a 2hr drive away.

We can't afford any more help than the kids going to childcare one day a week. I wish we could get a cleaner! And a gardener for that matter!! S/he could do all those crappy jobs I hate, like ironing, I don't iron unless there's a special occaision! Though I love ironed clothes...oh the conundrum! Or cleaning the shower cubicles. Plus our yard is huge! Having come from Sydney in a 2 bedroom apartment, to the outback in a huge 5 bedroom house, on over half an acre of land....well, I love to garden, but it's a little too much to handle at the moment! Part of the issue with my depression is that I am a bit of a clean freak. But I won't do stuff unless I can do it properly. I won't do a job if it's half arsed, so because I don't get enough time to do things how I really want them done, alot of the time I don't do it! Silly because a job half done is better than a job not done at all, but hey... I really am trying to see it that way!

As for Caelan having reflux, I have started him on gavascon after feeds. Only been doing it for 2 days though, so no real noticable change at all yet. Not sure if it will do anything anyway. I really took notice of what he does on Wednesday (when the big kids are at day care and I can breathe a little!) and he was throwing up, just little bits though, and it's watery, not really milky looking vomit at all. It's also a fair while after a feed. Adn through the night he also pulls his legs up and yelps out like he's in pain. I don't know if that's pain from reflux or wind. He's still very windy and farts alot. He also bury's his head into my boobs when he feeds sometimes. I always think he's going to suffocate himself, lol! And pulls on and off a bit, I have to force his head on sometimes so he's nt on and off and hurting me. Last night I didn't feed him every time he woke (2hrly) like I usually do, I just stuck his dummy in and patted him a little, which worked! I fed him every second time he woke. Maybe it will encourage him to not wake so frequently if he's not getting feeds so often?? Who knows! I also inclined his snuggle bed on a pillow, I don't know if it will help or not...had cut out dairy, and chocolate as well as spicey foods and caffinated tea and coffee (as well as having too much tea and coffee, only one each pe...r day now!) from my diet, though the last few weeks I have been eating it all again because of pressure from (well-meaning) friends, and just comfort eating too. Maybe that's the issue for Caelan now, why he's gotten worse, that I'm having dairy, coffee and chocolate again. I will cut it all out again and see how we go.

Yes, I am only one person, but people do this all the time. And some alone, or in terrible circumstances. I am lucky. I am healthy, with a healthy family. A home, food, clothes, money to spare (if only a little!). We have enough, and more. Rationally I know all of that,and it makes me feel even more guilty that I am so lucky, but feel so ****ty. People would kill to have my lifestyle, to have health, wealth, home, clothes, family. But the horrible thing about depression is that it magnifies the tough times. It makes the hard bits of life seem so huge and insurmountable. The sleep deprivation is what really triggers my depression. When I'm not sleeping because of the kids, then I find it hard to sleep at all. Caelan wakes 2 hourly, sometimes, I haven't gone back to sleep in that time because my mind is racing, or I don't see the point, especially at 5am and the other kids will wake at 6. Why bother trying to get comfy and sleep....But then I feel terrible in myself, tired, irritable, just the ***** from hell. My brain no longer works, literally. I get lost for words, I can't think straight, I don't remember what I was doing two minutes ago, what I was thinking I need to write down so I don't forget it. And it all just goes to s#@t. I find it so hard not to dwell on the fact I have been living on 5 hours (if that!) broken sleep for months. If I got sleep, I could handle the rest of it. I am a person who needs sleep. Really, not just saying it! I just can't cope without about 7-8hours good sleep a night. I have always been the same. And here I am blessed with three of the most gorgeous non sleeping children a mother could have.

I think alot of my issues also stem from not having adult company except for DH most of the time. Literally. Some weeks he's the only adult I will see for days on end, and if I do see others, it's the shop attendant, or the doctor, not a friend who I can actually have a conversation with. I don't have friends who just drop by. I don't go out anywhere like the club or even just for coffee to catch up I don't have hobbies or anything I do for me, besides the odd bath alone... I try sometimes plan to have coffee and morning tea dates with kids and all, but there's only one SAHM here and she has school aged kids as well, which she does stuff for like canteen duty and reading and things like that, the others work too, so it can be hard to organise. I should go to play group and reading time at the library. I always think I will, then in the morning I forget it's on until after the fact. I need to find a better way to remind myself than writing it on the fridge white board.

I went and had a haircut yesterday and come home, so much more like my old self. I could laugh again. I was playing. God I feel so sad and teary now thinking that, realising that. I just don't have fun. I laugh with the kids, I see that they're fun and funny. I make myself play with them, I make myself laugh with DH. But really I can't remember when I last really had fun. Unthinking unadulterated fun. In one way I just can't wait til Caelan finishes breast feeding so I can leave him for a day or two and go and have fun with friends and DH. But then I also don't want him to because he's our last, he will be the last one I breastfeed, the last one to snuggle with me and feed at night and sigh with satisfaction when he's done, with that tiny milky grin on his sleepy little face. Where will I be then?? Gosh, I will be lost. Not mummy to babies anymore. Who will I be then? I have no idea who I am now, let alone then!

Urgh! It's all too hard. I can't think of that right now. My brain is going a million miles an hour. Thanks for reading if you got this far. Thanks for all of your kind wordsand advice. I do appreciate it all. xxoo