Relationship with your mother post-natally

[BellyBelly]

Having read the post about family and becoming a new mother, it reminded me of an article I am gathering info for. I'm interested in hearing from those who had a worsening relationship with their mother or don't have the relationship they hoped for with their mother, since the birth of their own children.

I've been really interested in investigating this since I went to the mother and baby unit with Marisa in 2002. Of the 10 or so girls that were there, all but one had relationship issues with their own mothers. One had a mother who was overseas - to me, I see a strong link with how we cope as mothers and the relationship we have with our own.

Please email me at info@bellybelly.com.au and let me know if you would like your submission to be confidential. I'd like to know things like:

*How did things change between you and your mother when baby was born?
*Did you think your relationship would be different after the birth or did you expect your mother to react in this way?
*What would you like to be different?
*What support did you expect a mother would provide for her daughter?
*What would you ideally like for your mother to be able to do for you?

Any other comments greatly appreciated. Thanks guys!

[barbie-up]

We have a few external factors when it comes to my mother and us offspring. My dad has been gone (dead) almost seven years and the youngest sister left home about two years ago and monther is revelling in her new found freedom. If I ever say anything to my middle sister about something mum has done or said, it's just put down to 'her being her'. I think it is something genetic as my mum had issues with her own mother until the day she passed away.

*How did things change between you and your mother when baby was born?

Has not changed, she still lives five minutes away and I'm lucky if I see her once a month. We were never especially close and having a baby has done nothing to make it closer. You'd never know I'd given birth to the only grandchild on my side.

*Did you think your relationship would be different after the birth or did you expect your mother to react in this way?

I knew it would not be any different. My mother is very critical on all decisions I have ever made with regard to Cait and has no hesitation in letting me know this, again and again and again. Right from finding out the sex, to using disposable nappies, to what we named her, my decision to breastfeed, using legally approved child restraints in cars (she does not believe in them), my avoiding chocolate and lollies, to discipline and the things i buy her.

When I had Cait, all I heard was how hard it was to have two children, and now I'm pregnant with the second, guess what she's saying now !


*What would you like to be different?

A bit of support would have helped in the beginning. I heard of other mothers who slept over with their daughters and newborns to help with the baby and housework and shopping. I didn't see mine for six weeks ! But after that time, I really felt I accomplished something and really felt a lot less for her. It's probably sad, but I'm beyond trying to make a positive difference, as she does not think anything is wrong.

*What support did you expect a mother would provide for her daughter?

SUPPORT - whether or not she agrees or disagrees, my child rearing decisions have never been life threatening, so button your lip and support me.

*What would you ideally like for your mother to be able to do for you?

Keep her trap shut !!!


cheers,
Barb.[/b]

[BellyBelly]

Thank-you for your reply Barb! I might move this somewhere where I can get more exposure for it... want some more replies

[christy]

My mum lived overseas, so I only had her here with us for the first few weeks which were a hormonal mess on my part, but I guess I expected more from her and didn't really communicate that well to her either.

*How did things change between you and your mother when baby was born?
My mum had no idea what to do. She looked really uncomfortable the entire time she was around us. I think being her first grandchild it had been years since she had been around a newborn and was worried about what to do.
*Did you think your relationship would be different after the birth or did you expect your mother to react in this way?
I think I sort of expected her to know what to do, to help with her more, I mean just do things without being asked... rather than stand there looking helpless...
*What would you like to be different?
I think if I was less stressed it would have been better too... I wanted so much done a certain way, my mum was afraid of doing things the wrong way which put her off helping more, and I should have just relaxed a bit. However, I was in a hormonal nightmare too... 8-[
*What support did you expect a mother would provide for her daughter?
I guess in practical terms, doing housework, cooking, holding the baby for a while so I could do something, changing nappies etc... basic things to help survive.
*What would you ideally like for your mother to be able to do for you?
Ideally I would love my mum to be able to babysit for me, help me go shopping occasionally. If we lived in the same country I would hope that I would have her available to me one day a week, or a half a day a week for help with things, or to watch Matilda so I could have some alone time.

[Debbie Lee]

*How did things change between you and your mother when baby was born?

I think I had a new respect for what she had gone through after having 5 babies (and losing her 1st baby and only boy because he was still-born). I guess you kind of understand those "knowing" looks your Mum gives you when you say "My child will do this, my child will do that". Once you have had your own baby, you know that a lot of that idealism is far-fetched. I certainly turn to my mother more often and she doesn't annoy me as much as she used to.

*Did you think your relationship would be different after the birth or did you expect your mother to react in this way?

I knew that things would be a little different. I had hopes they things between my mother and myself would be better as we had had a pretty rocky relationship during my teens and early adulthood. I was expecting Mum to be over-bearing and take over a little but she hasn't. She has been a wonderful support. She is an enthusiastic Nanna and there is no doubt in my mind that Gabby will know how much she loves and cares for her.

*What would you like to be different?

I wish that Mum and I lived closer. She doesn't have very much money so petrol to come and visit is an issue. Sometimes it's just too difficult for me to get to her.

*What support did you expect a mother would provide for her daughter?

I think that fact that Mum has "been there, done that" helped me. She has always been up-front with any questions we had about labour and birth (especially in regards to my brother being still-born). I also expected that she would be there to help me once I got home with house work, meals etc. Of course, she did all of that and then some!

*What would you ideally like for your mother to be able to do for you?

She already does it! She is there for me when I am at the end of my tether. She knows when to tell me I am being silly (but puts it in a much nicer way) and she also knows when I just need to vent. I know that she would drop everything if I needed her. She has already said that she would look after Gabby any time (and is more than keen to have her to herself!! ).

[{sarah}]

*How did things change between you and your mother when baby was born?
Mum & I have always been closer, but I think we are closer now since Alexzander's birth. Not alot has change, she is still super supportive & willing to help me out whenever I need it.

*Did you think your relationship would be different after the birth or did you expect your mother to react in this way?
Everything is just as I expected, mum just adores her grandson & is a great support.

*What would you like to be different?
It might sound soppy, but nothing! Mum is great, she supports all of my decisions & offers her advice without demanding that I do what she did.

*What support did you expect a mother would provide for her daughter?
She should offer advice while not expecting you to do everything her way. She should, even if she disagrees, go along with your parenting ideas to be consistent for her grandchild/ren.

*What would you ideally like for your mother to be able to do for you?
She does everything I need her to do already

[RUSERIOUS]

When I was growing up, I didn't ahve a good relationship by any count with my mother.
After giving birth to my first daughter, our relationship changed.

I understand where she was coming from and she knows what I am going through. United in motherhood.

[froofy]

This isn't going to sound good, sorry...

*How did things change between you and your mother when baby was born?
At first it brought us closer together. But over the years, our relationship is worse than it was before I had a child. My mother was often trying to get me to do things her way, even when I repeatedly told her we had already decided to do it a different way. She did try to take over a lot and not listen. She went against my wishes on a lot of issues and this upset me greatly. Even now, she will use my daughter as a way to manipulate me, for example, make me out to be a 'bad daughter' because I used to scream when she brushed my hair (but neglecting to mention how she was beating me with the brush or hairdryer, which was why I was screaming). There are many other examples, but I won't bring everyone down with those. The most upsetting thing that really shocked me was when she told me she'd really like our daughter to call her 'mama'. It took me a long time to calm down from the hurt and shock of that, and it made me very cautious of her.


*Did you think your relationship would be different after the birth or did you expect your mother to react in this way?
Yes. I really did think we would be closer than ever.


*What would you like to be different?
I would like more distance.


*What support did you expect a mother would provide for her daughter?
To enjoy a new grandchild's ups and downs. I really didn't want too much help, I really like to do things my way LOL

*What would you ideally like for your mother to be able to do for you? Ideally, leave us alone LOL. But, for our daughter's sake, I have chosen to keep her in her life, so I guess the least possible damage would be greatly appreciated.

Sorry mine's not so positive, I'm probably not the best one to be asking.