Here is the other one I wanted to share, I know this is a long time ago, but again this is somethng that is kept close to my heart and is something that I never thought that I would share with anyone, need alone on the internet.
I have often thought about sharing this with you all but only now do I have the guts to. Yet I still sit here saying to myself can I, will I, should I.
I know there are a few of you going thru a loss now, and by no means do I want to upset you but share with you I guess my journey thru what I went thru and I guess how I felt and yet keep my story/letter to my bubs as a keepsake even tho it is still firmly implanted in my mind to this day. I also wanted to let you knwo that you are not alone.
So here goes -
To My Baby, My Love, We never Really Got to Know!!!!
I really wanted to have you.
I prayed to have you.
I had found out that I was expecting you, my baby on the 7/7/01.
This news was the most wonderful news that I could ever have hoped for.
I had never felt so happy.
I still however could not believe it, although I had expected it.
For about 2 weeks prior. I was feeling so sick everyday.
This had given me hope.
I was so anxious in finding out if I was pregnant that I went to the Dr on 03/07/01.
This dat was just too early and was not the answer that I wanted to hear.
It was just too early to tell.
A few more anxious days had rolled past, hoping for this day.
Finding out I was expecting you made me so happy, that I had phoned your daddy straight away.
On this day you were 5 weeks, we had already started to bond.
Weeks had gone past, on some days so sure that I had felt you move.
I had felt even more happier, and everything that had happened this year whilst I was pregnant with you just didnt seem to matter as much, no matter how upsetting they were, I knew that I still had you, and that was the most important thing in the world to me.
This feeling of you moving inside me, made me look so much forward to having and holding you in my arms, come that special day 07/03/02. The month that your daddy was born. You would have been the same star sign as your daddy.
Your daddy would have been so proud.
Week 12 had approached, and I had thought that I had past the worst period, what they call the danger period.
I had felt you a fair few times prior to my first appointment with our DR, on the 30/08/01. I had been very sick, and stayed in bed most of the time with you until the 9th week. I had explained this to the Dr.
Also I had many many headaches that made me stay in bed also.
You see I really wanted to protect you.
The Dr wanted to give me a Pap smear, but I did not let her, as you are my pride and joy, and I did not want anything to happen to you.
After our first appointment, I could not wait for the next, which was due on the 27/9/01, 17th week.
This day I would have been able to hear your heart beat, and a week later at 18weeks, I would have had an ultrasound, which means I would have been able to see you for the first time. ( I could not wait for that day: it would have been so exciting)
I was looking forward to this day more than ever, this would have been prrof that you were ok, and growing well.
I still kept praying that you would come to me and your daddy, healthy safe and sound everyday.
Saturday 22/9/01 however D day, my prayers were not answered on this day. Some blood had appeared, absolutely terrified and worried about you, I had phoned the Private hospital where you were to be born, for help and for some reassurance.
Unfortunately that is not what happened.
They had told me to rest (what I did) and also were told that they were unable to help.
There was nothing that they could do.
They didnt even want me to see my GP as I would be upset if I didnt hear a heartbeat. ( I was already upset) But listened.
That terrible night my waters had broken.
This happened while watching Water boy Video with your daddy.
It was about 9pm.
I was so worried about you and I did not want to lose you, you were my baby.
Your daddy phoned the Private Hospital straight away, but again they turned us away.
They told us to go to the Public Hospital, which is where we went.
I want you to know that this was the most devastating day in my life, to feel you slipping away from me, and there was nothing that I could do.
I am so sorry my baby, that I could not protect you.
(The pains that I was getting before my water broke, were constant not like contractions at all, I was not expecting anything like this to happen)
Your daddy and I got to the hospital at approx 9.20pm, where I was taken into emergency straight away.
Blood was coming out so much, that the Dr's were concerned about me as well.
My main concern was you, and your daddy and brothers, and knowing that I had lost you. This was so horrible, but I knew it was true.
Your daddy looked so devasted in losing you as well, but was also so worried that he and your brothers could lose me too.
I felt like giving up, but I knew that I had your daddy and brothers who needed me to stay.
This still hurt, as I did not want to lose you. I was shaking so much.
More and more blood kept pouring outso heavily, but there was still no sign of you. I had needles galore, gas to help with the pain, but this did not help with the pain from within my heart.
I was then moved to the maternity ward from emergency, to a room with other patients, but then I was moved to another room in maternity, No.26.
In this room, I knew it was here that you had left me for good.
It must have been at about 2am in the morning.
At approx 6.30am on the 23/9/01, more of you were pulled away from me. Then at approx 8am I was taken to theatre which was after they had given me a blood transfusion.
This was so terrifying, I could not stop shaking, and a special drink was given to me, some Oxygen and a needle to make me sleep. Tubes were put down my throat as I slept and you were completely removed away from me.
I woke up hoping that it was all a bad dream, but as I awoke, I could hear my name being called. Once awake I knew that it was not a bad dream but it was ever so true, it was my real life nightmare, alone and no more of you to be felt or seen. Just emptiness.
Through all of this, there was still no sign of you my Angel, they had told me that I had bled so much that maybe you were missed, in amongst all the clots.
There was nothing of you for your daddy or me to hold, and to see if you were a boy or girl. Your daddy and I could have given you a name, but now I feel even emptier inside, and the pain just keeps getting worse.
I keep wondering what happened and why it happened to us, and why no one would help, until it was too late.
You need to know that I loved you so so much with all my heart and soul, I had such a wonderful future in sight for us all when you were to be born on 07/03/02, but now I need to keep you as close aas possible in my heart for the rest of my life. I want to keep your memory alive, as you made me feel alive while you were still inside me.
It is going to take a while to get used to the fact of losing you, and I doubt that I really ever will.
For as briefly as I had you, I got to love you so much, but just as briefly and as quickly you were taken away from me, but I will still always love you.
Your daddy and me, your brothers will always hold a special place in our hearts, and will always love you. We will all miss you deeply,
I will cherish the little time we had together with you always,
Love and miss you always....
Mummy
25/9/01
Your life was precious and touched us all, even if so short.
Your life will always be remembered, you will never be forgottem.
Thank you for sharing the story of your precious angel with us. I really hope it has helped you in some small way. Your angel will always be close to your heart.
Thankyou Rainbow and Diane for taking the time to read such a long post. I am hoping that having my story on here it may help someone going thru a similar thing feel somewhat normal. I used to think there was something worng with me for feeling the way I did. hugs
Csab - you have gone through so much, my heart breaks at the thought of you having to go through such a heart renching experience. Thankyou so much for sharing your stories - you are a strong and brave woman.
Thankyou so much Beata, Bec and Jodie. I would never ever thought that I would feel so much heartache in my life, and I know you all know what I am talking about with the losses you have experienced. I am so sorry you had to go thru that too. Thankyou for reading about my experience. hugs
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Another to share
RIP little angel.
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