I'm not sure where to post about my losses, but I need to respect them by posting somewhere.
On Wednesday I lost my fourth baby, Pip, and ectopic pregnancy that nearly claimed more than my ability to get pregnant again. I almost died, after the ectopic ruptured, but the pain I feel now is all in my heart.
I have one beautiful DS who is 4 years old who was a clomid baby, after trying for 2 years to get pg. In 2008 we decided to TTC #2 and ended up on clomid again in 2009. I m/c twice in 2009 just before 5 weeks, and then had a polyp removed in 2010. I then m/c again and my FS threw up his hands and said "there is nothing more I can do", and put it down to bad luck.
I did a heap of research and found an excellent FS who is also a Reproductive Endocrinologist and she said get rid of clomid and lose 10kg, both of which I did. In December '10, I started on Gonal f and then took pregnyl support in the luteal phase. And what do you know on January 1st, 2011, I got a BFP.
I was scared and had HCG tested twice a week untill 6 weeks. All looked pretty good. I got some pains, but no cramps, no bleeding, all the right symptoms. I let myself believe I was actually going to end up with a baby by the end of the year.
For 19 days I was elated. I bought clothes for the baby. I started to get out the baby stuff from DS to see what I had.
I woke up on Wednesday and I knew something wasn't right. I wasn't bleeding, but the pain was terrible, like I needed to go to the loo but couldn't. By 10am I was beside myself and my sister came around and we decided I should at least go to the dr. I was determined not to go to the hospital becasue then I was admitting that I knew the baby was in danger.
We went to the Royal Women at 12.30 when I was in so much pain I just couldn't bear it. My first scan of my baby was in a hospital with me writhing in pain and not seeing the heartbeat I was so desperate to see. I knew Pip was ectopic, and I saw al the blood pooled in my abdomen and I knew I was in big trouble.
My baby and my left tube were removed by laproscopy. They told me I was bleeding so badly I was very lucky and they had put a drain in the draw the blood away.
Now 5 days later I feel...numb. I am angry that I couldn't keep my baby. I am angry that I put so much effort in to get pg again and again. I am angry I can't seem to find a path through the gloom and emerge glad that I lived.
I don't know what path I can take from here. Will I be able to get pg again? Will I have another ectopic? I want answers and I can't find them.
I am so blessed to have my beauitful DS but I didn't imagine him being an only child. I want him to have a full, rich life and learn what it is to have the love of siblings, which I hold so dear.
Thanks for giving me the forum to honour my lost babies and pay tribute to anyone who had had to bear the pain.
How awful and scary.
Talk things through with your FS, she sounds awesome and will be able to answer some of your questions or find the answers. Also, if you haven't already, maybe consider some counselling, you have been through so much.
And be kind to yourself. Your spirit, mind and body have been through the wringer.
Biggest cyber hugs
Bec,
I am so sorry hun. Ive been there, and i know what its like to so deperately want a sibling for your son. BIG
PM me if you need to talk
xoxoxoxo Fly free little buba
Know that I am thinking of you constantly during this horrible time, I just want to take your pain away and give you all the answers to your questions and give you another earthside baby. I just wish I had some words of wisdom or advice, but I don't Whatever you decide to do in relation to having another baby or not, know that I will be with you, supporting you. I think it is wise advice that Polly has given you in relation to counselling - it did help me a little to move on from the grief I was feeling. xx
Bec, I am so sorry to hear this and to hear you had such an ordeal. Big hugs to you and stay strong, you have been through so much, love to you, saffy xx
I am so sorry for the loss of your little one. It is so very unfair that you have had to go through this. I hope that the future will grant you your dream of a sibling for your DS.
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4th time unlucky
thinking of you
. Thinking of you
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