I just needed to post my thoughts somewhere before my emotions get the better of me and this seemed like a good place to go.

I found out that I was pregnant around the end of Jan I was shocked because I was on the pill and wasnt planning on having a baby. But I was so excited once it set in that I was going to be a mother! My boyfriend was nervous but I figured he would eventually be excited. I remember the first thing that got me super pumped up and I had to call my mom right away was that the expected due date was 10-10-10 (and 10 is my favorite number)
I ended up having a miscarriage in mid Feb when I was about 7wks along.

I have cried a lot since then, sometimes randomly for no reason. My friends try to talk to me about it but they have no clue how I feel. They try to say things like 'it will happen for you some day" or "maybe it was for the best, it will happen when the time is right" or "at least it wasnt a planned pregnancy" It just makes me even sadder. I feel my sadness turning into anger and resentment.

I have resentment for the other people I know who are pregnant. I feel myself judging them and thinking I wouldve been such a better mother, wondering why my baby was taken and not theirs and I feel horrible for thinking that.

I feel like people expect me to be over it already someone I know even said she didnt know why I was so depressed because "I didnt know I was pregnant for that long and I didnt talk about it a whole lot when I was". I just want to scream because it doesnt matter to me how long I knew because from the second I found out I was excited to be someones mother, even if I didnt talk about it 24/7 (which i didnt because I didnt want to jinx anything, what good that did.) They dont know that I thought about it every second of the day; I even started thinking about the sex and names and our future. That was MY BABY and I just cant get over it right now.

I also feel resentful to my boyfriend because he isnt sad like I am. He even asked me a few days after it happened "arent you a little relieved?" I wanted to punch him. but I just walked out of the room and started crying. We have talked about it a few times but I still feel like he has no clue just how devistated I am.
I wasnt planning on having a baby anytime soon but since the miscarriage it is all I can think about and I want a baby so badly now. But he does not.
He keeps asking me to get back on the pill but I just cant do it! To me it feels like it will be a tiny daily reminder of what I feel was my failure.
We have had sex a few times since it happened but now he says he wont have sex with me until I get back on birthcontrol.

Ugh, I just dont know how to hadle all the sadness and anger im feeling, it is overwhelming at times.
Getting it out on here has kind of helped even though Im fighting the tears with every letter I type. Thanks for letting me vent a bit.