After 4 yrs of ttc my partner and I decided to take a break and just have some us time, low and behold one month later we became pregnant Nick was surprised but supportive. As the months flew by and I grew bigger and we felt baby starting to move we decided to name my bump felix, although we were not sure of the sex of our growing baby. Nick loved the name and although I wasn't so keen we came up with an agreement that the bump would be named Felix and we would name the baby when it was born something different, a good compromise.
At 21 wks I had my first appointmemnt with the midwives everything during my pregnancy had been fine no diabetes, no blood pressure issues, and I was feeling great. My checks every 4 weeks showed no issues. At 30 weeks I had not felt baby move over the weekend and although I was worried did not think it would be too serious but on the monday morning I decided to see if I could change my appointment and come in then, the receptionist was really helpful and I dragged Nick along to the clinic for my check up.
"Your blood pressure is up but it could just be that your anxious" the midwife explained, "And be sure to take your rings off as your hands and feet are quite swollen we dont want to have to cut them off!" The midwife checked the baby and the heartbeat was strong at 150bpm I went home a lot calmer. The midwife explained that she wanted to re-check my bp on Wednesday
I arrived on the Wednesday morning about 9:30am for my bp check it was still up so the midwife sent me for a blood sample and told me to come back so they could check baby with the trace monitor. I did and when the midwife was trying to find bubs heartbeat she was having issues determining my bp and the baby's bp, she explained she would get the doctor to have a look, I was not worried at this stage and the midwife had also given me no indication something was wrong. 3 doctors came back and after using the mobile ultrasound and the trace they were still not sure if anything was wrong " we will just get you down to ultrasound and have a good look" one of the doctors explained During the ultrasound I was relieved to see the baby heartbeat and a huge big kick everythig was ok. Two of the doctors left the room and the remaining doctor explained " the baby's bp had dropped to 50bpm, its in distress so we are going to have to do an emergency c section" I started to cry, Nick was at work and he wouldn't be here for the birth of our first baby. I messaged him -emergency c section getting done now baby in distress- I hoped he would make it... I walked straight into theatre and was poked and prodded although terrified as this was my first ever hospital visit since I was born I remained calm for the baby's sake and eventually nodded off.
I woke from the general anesthetic to see Nick in recovery I was overjoyed he had made it, I could feel a warm bundle in my arms and looked down to see the beautiful baby I had been carrying inside me, life was perfect. A tear rolled down Nicks face as he explained the baby boy had died during the c section.
Still groggy from the anesthetic I couldn't comprehend what he was saying, only 20 mins ago I had seen in the ultrasound the baby's heartbeat and him kicking... how did this happen?? The Nurse asked " What will you name him??" I looked at Nick and replied "Felix"
I was wheeled from recovery to a room on the maternity ward still clutching the baby and reeling from the news, I spent the afternoon with Felix cuddling and holding him taking every facial feature in, he was so tiny at 2pd 15oz but had a full head of hair and angelic face.
The staff in the hospital were fantastic they took his foot and hand prints a lock of his hair and lots of pictures and made a book up for us I will treasure this always. The charity Bears of Hope also gave us a rescource bag full of information and a teddy bear which didn't leave my side for the next 10 days.
After 2 days in hospital I returned home without my little boy to a house where all the preperations for the upcoming arrival were still in place and although it killed me after 5 days I began packing the nursery up, strangely it helped me comprehand the fact that there would be no baby this time that as crappy as it was it was real.
And although a month later I am still not sleeping I drag myself out of bed every day face the world and tell myself that Felix would not want us to forget him, but he would want us to keep living as painful as it is some days.
Tomorrow we will plant a tree in his honour, a tree that will grow big and strong and remind us every day of our beautiful little angel baby.
im sosorry your sweet little man Felix couldnt stay.
please know you are not walking this path alone, there are many of us on this forum, including myself that are walking right alongside of you. please dont hesitate to reach out.
I can't imagine the pain you must be going through, losing your little angel.. I am tearing up just at the thought of it. I am so sorry to hear your story. Fly free little Felix, watch over your Mummy & Daddy. All my best to you x
Sent from my iPhone more than likely while I should be doing something else
Reply With Quote
Registered User
Felix
I'm sorry to hear Felix couldn't stay
I'm sure he's proud of his mummy and daddy
Bookmarks