Goodbye little Caterpillar

[Jennifer13]

Oh BW, I am so upset for you... It seems everything you expected at that appointment happened. While depression in the past is a risk factor for PND, which I know since I suffered from depression for some years quite a while ago, all it should mean is that they keep an eye on you (after birth), not that they make you feel WORSE by telling you you'll get it, when you are still trying to get pg. I didn't get PND, so it doesn't happen to everyone. I think Bec is right on the money, he's uncomfortable with what he doesn't know.

Even if you do stay with the same clinic, is it possible to see another FS after you see Dr S? I would have assumed you have the right. I wouldn't be embarrassed about seeking a second opinion - you weren't treated very well.

Incidentally, why couldn't you use your snowbubs if you were at another clinic? Surely they're still yours?

I hope your headache clears today and you cope at school okay. Thinking of you...

[butterfly_warrior]

Wrote a long post earlier... lost it...

We do have the option of moving the embryos to another clinic and using them that way, but I'm not inclined to do so. I know that my FS is right - I'm not ready to go again yet. Simple fact. I'm happy with the protocols that the current FS uses, and I suspect he's one of very few who actually uses the medication that has worked for me - I'm not happy to go with medicated cycles, I don't go well with clomid, I don't want to run the risk of hyperstimulating again...

However when I'm told "you don't need the answers, you just think you do", I do get really frustrated. Sure, I may not find it helpful, but that's something I need to discover for myself.

We'll go see Dr S and try to get the physical causes for miscarriage ruled out. I'll go see my GP and talk about whether the depression/anxiety is appropriate considering circumstances or whether it is out of hand and I do need to go see a psychologist. I'm hesitant to take that step unless we can find a good psychologist who is also a christian. I'm not going to let someone interfere with my thought processes unless they share my faith.

Funnily enough, despite the FS turning around and saying "you know you're paying me to be a complete a**hole to you right now", I'm not at all inclined to change.

I am worried that the fear of another appointment like yesterday will have me so on edge that he won't be able to see any progress in my state of mind next time we go back. DH says I don't need to worry because if I reach the point where I'm ready to go again I won't have that fear, but I can't see it ever going.

Headache has gone, I'm getting through my day ok, I think I'm actually at peace with events yesterday. Although it wasn't pleasant, it was partly what I needed. I'll get the other part of what I needed elsewhere, and then we'll go back. I am incredibly tired - it's been a long week already and I'm physically as well as emotionally exhausted.

I'm not sure if any of this makes any sense, or whether I just sound like more of a fruit loop than before.

BW

[nic]

What an appointment BW!
I can understand what the girls have said about your FS being right (in some ways), but also understand what you said here

I know I may not ever get answers - but I need to at least look for them. If I get there, the fact that I have searched for the answers will make it easier for me to move on, rather than being told that there may be no answers and having to accept that without proof. I need to eliminate that possibility.

A quote I like, "Knowledge is power, Information is liberating" I hope you can get some answers to give you the power to move on BW. In the meantime, we are all here to lend an ear and a cyber shoulder.

Also, would you church be able to help with suggesting a psychologist?

Lots of hugs,

Nic

[butterfly_warrior]

We do actually have some councellors at church - not sure how I feel about seeing them as both of them have daughters that I'm good friends with, and I think it would be difficult to view it as a professional relationship. My GP is actually a Christian as well, which has been helpful in the past, so I'm sure he'd be able to suggest someone that will suit me and won't go trampling all over my beliefs.

In some ways, I suspect that if my FS hadn't been as hard on me as he was yesterday I might be tempted to go back before I'm really ready. I think the fear of having him poke holes in any defences I may put up will actually make sure I really am ok before we go back.

Could there have been a gentler way to do this? I don't know, really. Yes, it was painful, exhausting and extremely frustrating. But it I know that it was in my best interests, it was necessary, and I think in many ways will ultimately be useful.

How I wish for the ability to write and speak clearly right now!

BW