Goodbye little Caterpillar

[nic]

BW, that's great that your GP may be able to suggest someone that will suit you

Nic

[Willow]

BW, I'm glad you're not upset with me hun, that was the last thing I wanted to do!!

Can I suggest one thing though? Don't make the mistake I did, make sure if you do see a counsellor or psychologist that they are trained specifically in this area. I don't think it's something that just anybody can understand, let alone 'treat'. I know that you would prefer to see someone who shares your faith, but try to find someone that works specifically in this area also if you can. I think if i'd known to do that, it would have made the world of difference to my 'recovery' (which to be honest, is still an ongoing process!).

[monnie]

Hey BW...so sorry to hear about your appointment yesterday...

I think Willow has written some amazing posts...and I must say I agree with her...both regarding the emotional issues and seeing a counsellor who specialises in this area...

As you know, I'm a Christian...and I also work in the area of mental health. I'm a huge believer in finding a counsellor that you relate to as well as someone who is competent and professional. Your GP sounds like a great resource and someone who should be able to refer you to someone who is really going to make a difference.

As I was reading your post about yesterday's appointment, a saying kept going through my head. It's one that an old pastor of mine often quoted..."you need to eat the chicken and spit out the bones". It's a saying that I use so much in my own life...especially when a message is delivered in such a horrible way...

Take care chickie...I'm definitely thinking and praying for you.

[Willow]

"you need to eat the chicken and spit out the bones"

Monnie - I love that! That is brilliant. I'll have to remember that one.

[butterfly_warrior]

Willow, you've been such a support to me for such a long time, and I know the heart behind your words. I know you mean well and have my best interests at heart so that even if something you said stings a bit (and it didn't), I would know you weren't trying to hurt me and would look deeper... A little bit scary that you seemed to be able to pluck the thoughts out of my head and make some sense of them, and I thank you for that.

Now, do you think I can have my brain back? Between you and BG it seems I can never be sure just who has custody of my brain cells at any particular moment, but it is absolutely fantastic to have friends such as the two of you who can help me sort out my thoughts and help me find a way through to clarity and calm once more.

Monnie, I too love your saying. I guess I do tend to choke on the bones a bit, getting caught up in an emotional response to things and it's only later that I can sort through things and find my way through to what the FS was trying to tell me.

I do know one thing... the harsh reality of yesterday's appointment and the fear of the FS having another go at me when we go back is going to stop me from trying to go back before I really am ready.

Strange how last night I saw myself being put back so far - I saw the point where I could go back and try again being unreachably far away. Tonight, it feels closer than ever. I know there's stuff I've got to sort through between now and then, but it feels like reaching that point is a real possibility now while last night I felt like I'd never get there.

BW

[Michelle71]

BW - I have been off line due to a computer shortage in my house (long story ) but I am still here with you and I am continually amazed by your forward progress, even if you feel like it is often backwards. Personally, I would have killed the FS (he was, after all, going to be mine too!!) as I don't tolerate being treated like an unintelligent person and having my valid questions rejected. However, if you believe he has your best interests at heart (despite his less than appealing delivery) then I am happy. Just make sure you stay happy with his ability to provide the best care for you.

I am so pleased you have the ongoing support of so many and you know where to get me if I am not on line. Make sure you are looking after yourself

[Inanna]

Butterfly, what is important is that you are happy. I personally wouldn't be happy with someone who spoke to me that way.
It may be so that you need some help to sort through the emotional stuff etc etc. I think that is really really important. It is true that depression and anxiety gives a predisposition to post natal depression. To suggest though that you would develop post natal psychosis and harm your child is really going out on a limb (imo). I really think that is an outrageous and harmful claim to make.
I would certainly see a counsellor. Most good clinics will have one working there. I actually feel sure that if you contact ivf Sydney (where gavin is based) they would be able to give you some contacts. You imo need to speak to someone who understands the ins and outs of infertility and it's pains. Just a regular counsellor may not be so helpful. Just like the best place to take the car to get the electricals seen to may not be a general mechanic... iykwim

Keep an open mind butterfly until you see Gavin. I would be shocked if he spoke to you this way...
This person has to travel a very emotional and difficult journey with you. Make a list of what you want in a care provider. Does this guy fit the bill? This is your gig. You are paying the big money. There is more to a care provider than his/her knowledge. We need to feel treated with respect and intelligence. We need to feel that are fears and concerns are heard. If you feel this way then well and good but do ask yourself these questions.

This person will travel your pregnancy with you, you need much much compassion and caring as well as top notch skills.

This is a flying visit but I wanted to respond. I will come back this afternoon.
I am sending you much love and hugs my love...

[paradise lost]

BW i'm glad to see you're feeling more positive about things already - you're SOME woman hun

I guess it comes down to individuals, the PND thing did disturb me the most, BUT that's because my mother told me repeatedly i'd get PND and then died before i got PG and i fretted and fretted. But then on the other hand i was very careful with myself and proactive about avoiding it so i guess there was a silver lining. My mother would always tell me "you have to hurt to heal" and i guess that's true.

Though it's hard having to sort through stuff before you can go again, knowing WHAT that stuff is, being able to put a name to your obstacles, means you're already halfway over them.



Bx

[Missy]

No words can take away your pain. Life is unfar some times.

[butterfly_warrior]

Little bit of an explanation... I don't think my FS has crossed the line or done anything wrong here. I know that I had an initial response to what was said that was highly emotional, and that I probably took things at the time to be a little more hurtful than they were intended. I know this is what DH thinks and he was in the room at the time. In hindsight, I agree. He actually even shared aspects of his own life which explain to me just why he's so insistant that I get this sorted. I won't go into details, but he has seen first hand what can happen when this sort of thing is not dealt with.

Now that the emotional response is over and I've done my hurting, venting and crying I'm actually much more able to deal with the things that were said in a rational manner. I know that he was absolutely correct in what he said, and that if he had not done it in such a forceful manner, it probable would not have been at all effective.

I don't like subtle - I appreciate honesty and directness in my medical practicioners and while my other doctors (GP and rheumy) are more gentle, I honestly don't think the gentle approach would have worked this time. Sometimes I need a sledgehammer to the head to get something, and I've seen this a lot in the past when my mental health has become an issue.

I guess where we are at now is that I'm still in a position that I trust my FS. I may not agree with him in regards to the further testing, but I'm exploring other avenues for that anyway. He may frustrate the crap out of me, but I do know that he has my health and wellbeing in mind, and that he's not going to give me false hope.

Having been in the position before where I have sought help from a doctor with regards to my depression and been fobbed off, I certainly do appreciate the fact that I've got a doctor on my side now who won't let it go untreated and ignored any longer. I know I'm not going to be tempted to go back and try again before I really am ready to do so. I know that my FS will see straight through any facade I can put up. I know that all of this is for the best in the end. Happy, healthy mum = happy, healthy baby... and isn't this what it's all about?

I'm happy with the decision to return to the current FS after consulting with Dr S. I don't know if other FSs focus on the head stuff like mine does, but I certainly do know for a fact that this is something I need.

BW

[Meltoby]

i'm soooo sorry BW.

[monnie]

BW...you are just sounding so strong.

In no way do I want to sound condescending, but I'm so proud of you.

You are an amazing woman...no doubt with an amazing DH by your side.

Take care chickie!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

BW, you are so amazing. You never cease to knock me over with your inner strength and beauty. You really are an inspiration.

[Inanna]

Good on you Butterfly. What is important is that you are happy with the care you are receiving. You are amazing. What a woman!

[briggsy's girl]

BW - have been thinking of you all afternoon

hope your appointment with Dr S was productive

take care of you, hun

[Cuddlepie]

Thinking about the same thing, hope the appoinment went well and have answered some of your questions...let us know

x

[butterfly_warrior]

Seeing a different FS today really showed up just how far I've come in a week... and just how much I love the fact that my FS is an FS only and doesn't do OBs at all. Next Gen is a much more comfortable and peaceful clinic... Dr S was very, very different to my current FS, though. Very nice, very gentle, a listener, without a hint of the arrogance that comes through with mine. And yet... I still love my FS and appreciate all he's done for me. The harsh reality of last week's appointment is actually making sure I get the anxiety and depression issues which have been there for a very, very long time sorted out. Ultimately, sticking with Next Gen is going to be better for my overall physical and mental health in the long run.

Current plan... DH is to do another semen test looking into DNA fragmentation. I'm having a crapload of tests looking into clotting problems and auto-immune things, plus Dr S's special test with the NK cells and stuff. Then I go back on the pill for a little while, have AF then have a hy-co-sy... and back to Dr S in about a month (assuming I can get it all done without wiping out my last three sick days) to get the results and see where to from there.

BW

[Inanna]

So glad you are having all of that testing done! I just heaved such a loud woop of relief my DS came in to see if I was alright!

WOO HOOO!!!! I hope you get some answers Butterfly...