Nicole- i am so sorry for your loss of Nikolai. i wish my tears could ease your pain. you are so fresh to this pain, and unfortunately, there is no cure -- but time will ease the raw edges of it. when i was at your point after my loss, i thought that i would go insane with the sadness, anger, grief, fear, guilt and all of the other emotions that roll through without warning. i want to assure you that it is so "normal" and that time will sooth you eventually. you will not forget, but you may eventually feel a little better one day.

i wish that i could speed that time for you, because it goes so slowly. it took me five months to start to have more good days than bad. that may seem like an eternity, and it is, but you can do it. you had the strength to choose to make your little Nikolai's life less painful and you can have the strength to make it through this rollercoaster of grief. please be good to yourself, allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling each moment. whatever it is, it is right and will eventually be healing if you let it happen.

i hope you can find support where you are -- either a support group or counselor or good friend or family member -- and you will have support here too. without the kindness and assurance of the folks here at bb, i would have been quite lost. it helped me so just to be understood and to not be alone in this tragedy. i so wish no one ever need have this pain, but at least we can be together. keep hold of that memory of Nikolai waiving goodbye to his mom and dad. xxoom