here I am again

[MeredithD]

Can't truly believe I am back in here yet again. Deep down I am an optimist and I really didn't think we could have any more bad luck. Guess I was wrong!
2 m/cs prior to DS then lost twins in April. Reccurent m/c tests - nothing
Just fell pg with even more assistance ( seem to need more drugs every cycle (OI/IUI)).
Levels have been fabulous. Highest I have ever had. Friday at 5w2d had HCG of 53,300 and prog 170 so certainly no question of proper rising. Yet, yesterday after starting the day normally with m/s etc, I just suddenly started bleeding and cramping in the afternoon. No warning, just bang! Since then has progressed to what I assume is full blown m/c - bleeding profusely and cramping severely. I have never m/c naturally - always been diagnosed on a scan and required D&C so this is a real shock. I just don't understand how things could be looking so good and then just suddenly fail.
Can't get hold of my FS and my OB was not at all interested when I called him. He's a "let nature take its course" kinda guy. I really, really need some answers and wanted them today. I'm sure there will nothing left to see on a scan by tomorrow, so I'll never know how many were in there or possible cause
I am not sure I can face the whole grieving process yet again.This is so unbearably heartbreaking. All I want from life is another baby (or two) and yet it is the most unachievable goal I have ever faced.
What upests me almost equally is that no one really cares about 1st trimester losses. Even my DH has just told me that we will just have to "keep trying ". My family will just do the token " sorry", "what a shame" if they find out about this one but no one really cares for more than a fleeting moment. The impact on my life, however, is crushing. I know I will eventually move on from this but the joy of life just won't be there unless I can hold another baby in my arms. I have never really doubted that this would happen but am now seriously worried. I just don't understand!!!
Sorry about my ranting but I have nowhere else to turn and am totally beside myself today. This was supposed to be THE ONE!

[Lulu]

I'm really really sorry to hear you lost another little one .

[Janie]

Meredith, I'm really, really sorry to hear that

Given that you need answers today, do you think you would have any luck with your local A&E? I know it's a PITA to ahve to wait, but surely they could do a scan for you, particularly if you're having a lot of pain?

Lots of love and support, I really hope things turn out better than you anticipate

[BellyBelly]

Meredith, I am so sorry... you have had your fair share thats for sure.

I know your Ob and FS are no help to you - please find someone who is. I have been seeing Lisa Fettling alot lately and she is brilliant with grief, loss and depression. Please give her a go. She cares and always tells her clients her mobile is on 24x7 when they need her. She is VERY good and will fill that missing hole of a caring therapist that you have at the moment...

https://www.bellybelly.com.au/lisa-fettling

Come in and see her hon *huge hugs*

[briggsy's girl]

i was going to suggest the same as Janie - a trip to the local hospital might be in order. given that you were going great guns hormone level wise, and have had sudden and painful bleeding, i think it would be advisable to get checked (ectopic is always a risk with AC)

i want to offer you words of wisdom, but everything i can say at the moment isn't going to help you now. please just know that i understand how you're feeling, how much emotional pain you're in, and how truly devastating this is.

please take care of yourself - and if you can, take yourself to A&E to be checked out.

thinking of you

BG

[tiggerlinda]

Meridth I am so sorry to hear this news there is nothing I can say to make you feel better but give you a know I am here if you need me

[~Aveta~]

meredith, i can empathise totally. i've been agitating with our local hospital and the minister for health for the very reason that no-one seems to care about early losses. i've come up against that wall twice this year and i'm still angry.

please look after yourself, i'm thinking of you and i'm sure all the girls in the older women TTC thread are as well.

[nicjay]

Oh Meredith, I am so very sorry to be reading this I hope that you have managed to get some help from someone today, and that maybe everything is alright

I know all too well what you mean about 1st tri miscarriages I still have family members that have not even acknowledged my m/c last October to me. It's just like there never was a baby to them. They just have absolutely no idea

Take care of yourself, and keep telling yourself you WILL hold another baby in your arms - that's what I have to keep doing

[Angel Babies 3]

Meredith,
I am so sad to read this post.

Take care lovely lady.

Debbie

[Nicole S]

Meredith, your heart must be broken.
I'm sorry sorry to hear about your loss...

[krysalyss]

Meredith. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you get the answers and support that you need.

[Kitt3n]

I am so sorry to see you back in here for this reason hun.

[satya]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I hope you are OK. I wish the medical profession showed more care about early losses, but for the most part they don't. The "let nature take it's course" lecture didn't go down well with me when my FS said it to me around 10 years ago. It upset me so much I never even went back to him.

I think the problem is that OB's & FS's see miscarriage every day therefore it's commonplace to them, perhaps they've never experienced it themselves from a personal point of view. Many of them just don't seem to realise that even though it was an early loss the parents of this bub had already started to imagine the baby and had started to make plans for it's future. No matter how early the loss is the grief can be huge, even more so if it's taken a while to get there. I wish it was different but it's not.

[Inanna]

I felt so shocked and sad to read your post when I got back on line this afternoon. I am stalking you - hoping with all I have that this is just a hiccup and your little one is holding on tightly...

The grief and sadness of miscarriage is a very very underrated grief by a great many people - even by some that have suffered from other types of loss. So, I hear you and I understand.

If this baby has flown away my love he/she will be forever remembered in here and in your heart. I know only too well the "there there" comments and patitudes. It is hurtful and disrespectful.

Sending you my love and support.

[MeredithD]

OK, well I am beginning to believe miracles might just happen and not just to other people!
This morning bleeding and pain had eased significantly. I wasn't sure if this was because everything had gone or less possibly that things might still be ok. Was due to go into FC for another HCG so went in planning to beg for a scan.
There was no chance of squeezing me in for a scan at the affiliated ultrasound nor at another one nearby. In the end my FS did a quick scan in her rooms. Was fully expecting nothing to be left or maybe a collapsed sac. Well, low and behold.... 2 sacs with foetal poles. FS was concerned one might have been a cornual ectopic (much nastier than tubal apparently) so rang directly and got me a scan with a sonologist.
Unfortuanately, this was a few hrs later, leaving me enough time to go home and google cornuate ectopics.... bad move as they sound really nasty!
Had myself totally stressed out by the time of the scan but as I said, maybe miracles do happen
Proper scan showed the two babies both in uterus, just one tucked up high in a corner and the other quite low. Both measuring 5w6d so actually 1 day ahead and both with HB's which I didn't expect to see this early. One baby has some a subchorionic haematoma so assuming this was the site of the immense bleeding. Only time will tell if this will affect that baby and if it can still make it but I am just so, so, sooooo amazed and happy that there are two live little bubbas still in there. if they could survive that amount of bleeding then hopefully they can make it all the way.
HCG came back this arvo at 107,000 up from 53,3000 on Fri so certainly feeling the m/s
Another scan next week - hoping I make it that far without another disaster.
Thankyou all so so much for the kind words and support - I am praying I truly don't need to come back in here ever again other than to lend others support

[angelicdragon]

Meredith I am dancing with delight here fo ryou hun. I am so releived that you got to see yuor two little ebanies and they are on track.
Try not to worry about the sub hem. They usually manage to resolve by 14 wks, seems like a long time away now though huh.
I am just so very happy for you.
Don't forget to update the other 2 boards coz I know they are all very worried for you.
many hugs
Jude

[Emmy-Lou]

Meredith
I am so so sorry for your loss...all your losses. I had a loss at exactly the same stage as you previous to my angel in Feb and the nurses especially we're so cold about my early loss saying it was just a late period!! It was only when I had the ultrasound that i got some comfort hwen the fellow doing the U/S said that more than 50% of pregnancies are lost and go un-noticed as they are lost so early. It was then I could grieve for my lil angel.
I'm sorry your family won't give you the support youi nedd but atleast you can rest assure that we all understand your pain and you can vent to us all anytime.
Take Care and thinking of you xoxoxo

[8weeks]

Meredith, I am so happy to read bubs are still there.