This is how I feel

[daddy]

I’m mostly posting this just to get it off my chest and to feel like I have someone to talk to. It’s almost been 12 weeks now since my DD passed away and this week I’ve started to feel it more than ever, even more so this morning. I just wish so much that we could have her back, I really do miss her. It really hurts a strange kind of hurt, a little lost, angry, frustrated and confused. I was backing up our photos last night and I was looking at her very last few photos, standing up at the TV, she wasn’t far off walking, but I’ll never see that now. I know my DW is there for me but she is always so tense and up and down, I want comfort from her but because she is so up and down and I just don’t know where I stand from one minute to the next. She is doing a lot of great things, heaps around the house and this really makes me happy, I tell her how great she is and that I appreciate everything, she can be happy for a while but it never lasts. I feel a little unloved and alone. I sit her at work quite often and I’ll have a little cry to myself, I am coping ok but I just have my moments where it has to come out.

[Mel1977]

Oh Daddy

I have not been through a loss like yours with your DD, I just cant imagine how hard it is for you and your family, my heart really does go out to you. I can only speak from my own loss and that was my son at 36w1d. It has been a year now since he passed and I have actually said to several people that I believe the hardest part is from about 3 months onwards. I know we are in different circumstances but in some ways grief is grief, and the stages are the same. I believe that the first 3 months are simply just spent numb, in disbelief, like you know one day I will wake up and so on. After a while, it sinks in that you are awake and this is your reality, the numbness subsides a little and you start feeling the pain and the big hole that is now in your heart. Also from my point of view, one thing that I found is after a few months others seem to go on with their lives. The phone calls just to see if your ok dont come as often, people dont ask you how you coping you just get the usual how ya going. People dont seem to talk about your baby anymore because it either makes them uncomfortable or they dont want to upset you (of course you know your upset all the time anyway). I might be wrong but that is my take on things when I think back. I am sorry to hear you feel alone Do you try to talk to your wife? I know my DH tries not to talk to me when he is upset sometimes, especially if he sees that I am having a "good" day. But I have told him that I want him to regardless because we are in it together. And not only that, if he never came to me and said hey I am really having a bad day and thinking about Nicholas alot, I would just think he was ok and it would probably upset me more. Have you and your wife sought any help from Sids and Kids? My DH and I waited about 6 months to actually contact them, we felt we could do it on our own. But I have to admit that I think the best thing we did was get help (we attend a stillbirth/neonatal death group, you would attend a SIDS group). They also have fathers groups which meet I think once a month or maybe every 2nd, that might be helpful for you. It is hard cause men and women are so different, my DH has found it extremely helpful getting to know other men who have gone through something similar.

Anyway, I probably havent helped at all - but I do wish you all the best and we are all here whenever you need to talk. Take care of yourself, you do have to take care of your wife and kids but you cant neglect yourself either.

Big :hugs: Daddy.

Mel

[slyder]

daddy, I've never lost a child, but I've lost a sister, and the best thing I can suggest to you is not to bottle it up, not to ignore your own needs, and not to feel like you don't have equal rights to letting go of the emotion. If you set aside the grief and don't deal with it, you'll end up like my Dad who is incapable of talking about my sister without breaking down - and Dad is not the tears type at all.

I strongly suggest you and DW both see a counsellor. It probably sounds cliched, but you can do it and see how you go with it. The loss is the biggest pain you are ever going to feel and you need to have strategies in place to cope with it. Keep us informed; I'd like to know how you are going.

[MistyFying]

daddy as you probably know, everyone grieves in different ways. I think that's why a tragedy like the one you and your DW suffered when you lost your daughter can cause immense stress...even months or years after the actual loss. My only advice is to be gracious enough to let her grieve in her own way, and hopefully she will extend the same grace to you. And keep supporting one another (the practical things like doing more around the house are little outward symbols of inside attitudes, I think).

And I agree with the others who have suggested an outside counsellor. For your emotional and physical well-being, and for the health of your marriage.

[Lynn]

Daddy I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug

Grieving is so hard. There is no book, or the right way. You just need to do what your body is telling you and if that is to cry, or scream then do it. We all grieve differently and it took me a while but I eventually understood that men and women grieve differently. For me it was about accepting that we grieve differently. Just because my DH doesn't cry every day doesn't mean that he has forgotten our son. Perhaps you and your wife are grieving differently and it is sometimes hard to understand that.

Although our losses are different, I feel a similar pain. The pain is hard to describe, it is like your heart is beating slowly and with every beat it hurts. You have every right to feel angry and frustrated - your little girl was so cruelly taken from you.

If you feel alone and have moments of when it needs to come out perhaps trying talking to a counsellor. I saw a counsellor when I first lost Cooper and it helped me so much. I always thought that I didn't want to be part of a support group but I really need my support group. Talking to other people that know your hurt, that know your pain and someone that you can talk to............and remember we are always here too if you need to talk.

Take care :hugs:

[Auntie M]

Daddy, i just wanted to say how sorry i am for your daughter's death and for your and your dw's grief. this is such a painful thing to make it through, and i too became much worse at three months. i couldn't believe that i was in shock before until it wore off. then the pain was so intense and new, and like Mel said, just when the support systems around seem to slip away.

this is such an important time for you to get the support you need. i found a counselor, a support group, and bb. each has helped me so much, and my dh goes to the support group too. we grieve so differently, he and i, we hang onto each other tightly but i'm not sure either of us could have derived all of our support from each other. as my counselor said, it is like asking two newly blinded people to teach each other braille. it won't work very well, because each needs support and has less to offer the other. so, while hanging on to each other and your love for each other is so important, so is getting the support you need.

please be good to yourself, and let those feelings out.

[daddy]

We went to the coroners yesterday to have a meeting with the pathologists and counsellor as we now have the results of the autopsy. The result is SIDS II my DW is finding it a little difficult to come to terms with, as my DD was also sick, but the findings say that her sickness wasn’t enough to have caused death, but they can’t say for sure that it didn’t contribute to her death, she had no signs of suffocation which is good as this means that she wouldn’t have suffered. It’s like her poor little body just switched its self off. She was such a strong little girl, it just goes to show that it can happen to anyone.
There are still some findings of the mistreatment we had at the hospital, but as her death is found to be SIDS this won’t have contributed to her death. I just say one thing, don’t ever assume that the person who is treating you or your family is fully qualified or even has the qualifications you expected, always ask and if you aren’t happy with an opinion or your treatment, then push to see someone else.
Thanks for all your support.

[slyder]

Daddy, I hope this information starts to help in some way. At least you're not so much in limbo now.

ETA: By the way, how is your employment situation going now? I recall you were having some trouble getting leave etc...

[Mel1977]

Daddy, I am glad you got the pathologist's report back. Hopefully it will take away the "limbo" feeling. I am glad to hear your DD didnt suffer. Big to you and your DW.

[munchy]

Hi Daddy

i wanted to say how sorry to hear how you were feeling sending a big from me like all the girls said grief is so hard and everyone deals with it differently i hope that you can express to your DW how you are feeling. ever since loosing my little girl i have felt that my DH has never felt the same as me and not felt as upset and it makes me angry as i think he should cry like i do all get his down days but he never mentions his emothions and i always ask him but nothing i would love for him to connect to me in that way so really do talk to your DW. its not a nice feeling thinking that your on your own cos your not i really hope that the pain easies for you i just cant imagine what you are going through it must be so hard take care of yourself.

Munchy xxx

[Auntie M]

so glad you got some answers, even if they aren't what you expected. any answer can sometimes help heal. sounds like such a traumatic situation, and i am glad for your advice to not always trust what is going on. hugs.