I've just lost my baby. Today. At about 5am thismorning. Bubba was 11wks, 2 days old.
I never thought I'd post a thread in this forum, but I'm very glad it exists because it's so hard trying to deal with this...
I'd been spotting on Wednesday and yesterday it got a bit heavier and last night more-so. I had 3 hours sleep and then woke, lay in bed for a while listening to my body and finally got up.
It was then I could feel contractions starting. I went into a kind-of labour and I just paced the room, praying.
I opened a great book (Supernatural Childbirth) and read one sentence of a prayer (to God):
You said numerous times in the Bible that You formed and fashioned our baby in the womb and at the right time You will separate my baby from my womb and carry it gently from my womb.
At that very point I felt the gush and knew what was happening...and it was real...
That verse gave me such comfort, knowing that the time was obviously right.
I birthed my baby around 5am - my husband was there - I'm so glad.
Today's been so incredibly hard. I've kept having labour-type contractions as my body's been contracting my uterus and doing what it naturally needs to do.
I had to go to my GP to get an Anti-D injection because I'm RH negative.... It's all been so intense!
My midwife has been amazing. I was planning on having this baby at home (like my first) and I just love the fact that I've been able to call on her at any time of the day, for support and advice. Thankyou Jacqui...
I felt quite peaceful earlier today - knowing where my baby is and in some sense, a relief that it's over. Before I went to sleep I felt I needed to free my baby to go if it needed to - that was so very hard!..... because now it's gone....
Now I find myself just crying quite a bit. The reality's setting in that I'm no longer pregnant and that my baby is gone. We're going to bury the little one tomorrow in the garden.
I often read messages in this forum and think i hope i never have to post a message here! im sorry that you have found yourself having to post here! im sorry for your loss! hugs
Thank you for your beautiful words of support and encouragement. I'm learning that so many women go through this - and sometimes several times.... people just don't talk about it much it seems..... which is sad, and hard, because I feel like I have lost a child - well, I suppose I have...
This experience has given me a renewed appreciation for the anguish that losing a little one causes to those involved, even though they weren't full-term (or even able to survive outside the womb). I think I'll give my friend a really big hug next time I see her (I know she's had a miscarriage in the past).
This afternoon I prepared a beautiful white box with the prettiest paper I could find and wrote prayers and messages in and on it. I picked the choicest flowers from my garden - often the only ones on the plant (first sweetpea, first bud of a favourite rose ...) and placed them in the box with my little one.
My husband, son and I then said our goodbyes with more flowers, hugs and tears, out near the passionfruit vines.
Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I'm still a mum. But am I a mum of 1 or 2 (or 3, if you count the little one I lost at about 8dpo)?
[I wish there was an emoticon for "Bawling my eyes out!". A sad face just doesn't cut it...]
I hoped I'd never have to write this.....
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please be easy on yourself as you grieve your loss.
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