i wont get to hold you

[joshnmattsmum]

i have two healthy boys, and i started ttc 5mths ago i fell pregnant and took 7hpt before i actually believed it wow here we go again how exciting, i started having cramps thought it was normal pregnancy stuff. friday i started bleeding, saturday admitted to hospital, sunday 0230 i believe i passed my baby, monday home today beta hcg results levels dropped so no d and c at this stage and no ectopic.

i can't stop thinking about certain things such as i flushed my baby down the toilet, where would the babies spirit be would it be stuck in limbo because it wasnt baptised?, and my husband wants me to be normal and happy and i just cant be, i get really sad because i think this was as much as a child of mine as my other two boys and i am devastated as much as i would be as if one of them died, so why is noone else? i feel very alone in my grief and i cant stop crying.

has anyone else thought like this?

[Willow]

Oh hun, I'm so sorry for your loss

What you are feeling and thinking are all very normal things - 2 years later, I still wonder some days 'where' my baby is...

It's hard when you feel like your whole world has ended but people around you carry on just the same. As mothers, we feel the grief the worst, but I'm sure your husband is grieving too. I thought the same thing about my husband, but much later down the track he told me he felt he had to be strong for the family's sake, because if he lost it too, then where would that have left us? I guess he's right, but it was hard at the time.

One thing I always suggest though is counselling - I left it waaaaaay too late and wish I'd been to see someone much, much earlier than I did because it really did help to get some of these thoughts and feelings out, some of which were very painful to talk about and things I never would have said to family or friends. You have been through a very traumatic experience, there's no shame in getting some help to process that. I was pretty stubborn about it, I figured I should just 'get over it' and move on. But when that hadn't happened after 6 months, I got some help. I didn't stick with it though, and stopped going because I didn't think anything would ever make it go away. But with the birth of my son, it all came bubbling back up so I went back and this time I kept going. It might not be for everyone, but for me it really helped.

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but eventually, this will get better and you'll find a way to move on.

[Inanna]

Firstly I am so very sorry for your loss my love... You will find some exceptional women (and men too) here on Belly Belly who will help you through. Many of us have been where you are.

It is good news that you won't need a D & C - it's less invasive.

It is an awful feeling to know that what was this little baby growing inside you is now in the toilet bowl. I too have grappled with that one.

As for being baptised - my faith isn't Christian so that's a little hard for me to answer but I will give you my take on it.

I believe that this body we have is only the vehicle for the essence that is us. So for me the body is gone but that essence lives on. Maybe that may help with the images you have.

We are all here for you - and will help you through...