Who would have ever thought I would have to name a baby that I would never get to hold, feed, hear his cry, or even his first breaths? I was 17 weeks and 6 days when he was born. I went in for a routine visit and the doctor could not get a heartbeat. She tried three different machines and still no heartbeat. We went to the hospital that afternoon and I was induced and delivered the next day on January 27th. He was so beautiful. So perfect that I could even see his features and tell you who I thought he looked like. He looked like a tiny, sleeping baby. His arms, legs, hands, and feet were all completely formed with 10 teeny tiny fingers and toes. He even had a cute button nose. He looked like his big sister Bethany with his shoulders being slightly broader than his waist and his precious little round belly.

I have a set of natural fraternal twins, both girls, that I carried to 35 weeks with very few complications, no bedrest, etc. (pretty much term for twins), so this was truly a shock for us. I love my little girls, they are such a blessing to us, but that does not make me love this baby any less. I have a sister-in-law that just found out she is pregnant (exactly one week after Michael was born) and I am SO angry that it is not me anymore. I want to be excited for her because I know they really wanted a baby, but I just can't right now. I just can't. I was almost halfway there! I had passed the point where I was nervous about losing him and yet he is gone.

It was excruciating to have to be induced and put through labor and delivery only to see a baby who had already died. I am sorry that I am so angry right now. I know that there are stages of grieving and this is one of them, but I hate it. I don't want to be angry anymore.

It helps me to think about him in the arms of my Granny (my great-grandmother) as she holds him until I get there. I know that she will love him and take care of him just like he were her own.

I know this post is all over the place and I apologize. I have lots of things that I am thinking and feeling today. For some reason, many more than I have felt in the last week-and-a-half.